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some teens are perfect?

105 replies

carnation459 · 28/01/2023 09:22

out for a drink with friends last night.
I mentioned in passing that my 12 year old seems to be going through some stuff which is tricky, here come the teen hormones etc and friend said:

"oh mine was delightful. All the way through she was nothing but lovely and never gave me a single problem".

I mean, I guess this is possible.
It wasn't the most supportive comment on the heels of my needing a little supportive nod perhaps.
Surely pre teen/teenage girls (and boys) all have their moments? Don't they? Is it possible to go right the way through with no drama, no pushback against parents, no arguments, no rebellion?

OP posts:
EarthlyNightshade · 28/01/2023 12:08

FourTeaFallOut · 28/01/2023 10:30

My ds 16 and I certainly don't have rose coloured glasses about the baby days. It might be reassuring to think that parents of easy teens are hopelessly naïve but some teens just aren't that hard.

I think if I was talking about a tough time with my teen, I would be more reassured by a friend saying "it's great now, but baby days were tougher" or whatever, rather than just hearing what a delight their DD was all the way through.

I totally get that some teens are easier than others, but if times are tough and friends are unsupportive, it's hard not to secretly hope that their child is up to something behind parents' backs.

goldfootball · 28/01/2023 12:10

I was a perfect teenager and depressed university student so there’s still time for it to disintegrate 👍🏻

Reinventinganna · 28/01/2023 12:15

Dd was great, no trouble, always polite and then suddenly she went into crisis and was really unwell. She thought that she had to be perfect at everything all of the time and couldn’t cope with perceived failure. Years later she is well and mostly happy.

The other dc are great but do have their ‘moments’. They are just trying to work out who they are.

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FourTeaFallOut · 28/01/2023 12:19

EarthlyNightshade · 28/01/2023 12:08

I think if I was talking about a tough time with my teen, I would be more reassured by a friend saying "it's great now, but baby days were tougher" or whatever, rather than just hearing what a delight their DD was all the way through.

I totally get that some teens are easier than others, but if times are tough and friends are unsupportive, it's hard not to secretly hope that their child is up to something behind parents' backs.

😁 Jesus, I still get an eye twitch when I think of trying to soothe my distressed colicky babies for hours each and every day for months on end while other mothers talked about being a little bored by the newborn days with a sleepy baby. So I have that all covered.

But actually I don't tend to talk about my kids at all when someone is letting off steam, I just provide the tea and nod at the right places and I certainly don't use their distress as a platform to gloat.

ShesGotBeef · 28/01/2023 12:19

I’ve got mid teens that aren’t so far causing too much bother.

It doesn’t mean they won’t in the future and one of them didn’t sleep for 4 years and I was a walking talking shell of a human but one of my friends with hard work teens doesn’t remember that far back 😆

Paranoidandroidmarvin · 28/01/2023 12:20

My son was like that. But he has medical problems so we are very close as a family. And he had better things to be focusing on that tantrum etc. he just isn’t that kind of person. I thank my lucky stars everyday for it.

hiredandsqueak · 28/01/2023 12:28

We my dd has never misbehaved in her life but that's down to the presentation of her autism. She's passive and over compliant and it's not a good thing if I'm honest. Of my other four teens I think I escaped very lightly, had no dramas and only pretty minor rule breaking. It helped that I'd listen to their opinions/argument before saying no and they knew that I woud want to speak with them (at length) if they were out of line. My son used to compain "Why can't you get mad and ground me like normal parents instead of discussing what happened and what would have been a better path to follow?"😂so suspect that my boring discussion was something to be avoided.

Rowthe · 28/01/2023 12:30

My 5 year old is hard work.
Tantrums.

Shouting and screaming.

Dread to think what she'll be like as a teen.

Older one was hard work as a baby. Very emotional right now, but very amenable. Never had any issues with her. Though she does just seem to cry more than I'd expect a normal kid to.

JamNittyGritty · 28/01/2023 12:33

I feel your pain - tricky times with my 12 year old dd at the moment - I have an older teen dd too whose pretty much out the other side so it does pass!

Reinventinganna · 28/01/2023 12:40

@hiredandsqueak My son used to compain "Why can't you get mad and ground me like normal parents instead of discussing what happened and what would have been a better path to follow?"😂so suspect that my boring discussion was something to be avoided.

My son said this too!

Galarunner · 28/01/2023 12:55

I have worked with teenagers for a long time and perfect can sometimes ring alarm bells! My daughter ranting at me ( and then apologising) or my son getting it a a bit wrong with how much he drinks at a party is healthy and normal . Perfectionism , depression, eating disorders are more frightening than minor teenager bad behaviour.

2bazookas · 28/01/2023 13:00

LOL. Well, we had teens none of whom was perfect.

I've encountered more than a few parents of teens who were turning a very blind eye to their teenagers high risk misbehaviour and head-in-the-sand hotly denied any eye-witness reports .

It always ended badly for the ostriches and their chicks.

Starpop · 28/01/2023 13:00

When my eldest was a teen (he's now an adult) he gave me no problems at all, very well behaved, no rebellious behaviour, I always say how blessed I was with him. However I wouldn't say that if a friend was telling me what you were I think that's smug and not particularly supportive! It is normal for kids to behave how yours is at her age.

They say you never get 2 alike and I've only just had my second child so I maybe need to prepare for horrendous teen years with him lol

saturdaymorningbored · 28/01/2023 13:10

I had a work colleague who had a daughter that honestly did not give her a minutes trouble. Colleague was lovely so was in no way showing off when she spoke about her, it was facts, her dd excelled all through school, what some would class as a "perfect" child.
The day she left for university this changed to the point my colleague had to give up work due to the stress of dealing with her.
She didn't attend lectures, failed her exams, fell out with all her flatmates, calling her mum off her face at all hours of the day. My poor colleague was ill with it all I felt so sorry for her.
What I took from this is that teenagers, whilst still at school, mucking up is not ne

saturdaymorningbored · 28/01/2023 13:12

Sorry posted to quick,
Necessarily a bad thing as they have to learn how to deal with mistakes and doing it whilst you are still there to guide them can save lots of problems later on, especially where mistakes may have far more serious consequences

FourTeaFallOut · 28/01/2023 13:13

I'm sure there are plenty of ostriches, that's human nature, but the eagerness to pathologise easy going teens as troubled in some quietly awful way is a MN pre-occupation which is an entirely different but similar act of tactical myopia.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 28/01/2023 13:17

My dad will tell you I was a great teen (my mum would disagree because we clashed). My dd1 is 14 (15 in 2 weeks) and she’s fab. The thing that makes her fab is communication. We communicate really well, both ways. I explain decisions if I’m saying no and I keep the door open on decision so we can revisit them as she gets older. She was a nightmare baby though - utterly miserable and rarely slept.

i think dtds will be trickier but we’re not into teens yet with them.

ThatshallotBaby · 28/01/2023 13:18

She was being a bit of a dick tbh. How many dc has she got? It’s a numbers game Grin

LimeTreeGrove · 28/01/2023 13:51

I wouldn't respond as your friend did, but people have different struggles at different times. Doesn't have to be the teen years. I was abused by my mentally ill mum, so had an unhappy childhood. Met a lovely husband. Struggled with having a baby and toddler. Dh died when dds were 11 and 13. They have been easy going teenagers. One now an adult.

TenoringBehind · 28/01/2023 14:07

I have a friend who used to say the same about her teenage daughter (now in her early 20s). She had no appreciation at all that said perfect daughter was incredibly stroppy and rude to other adults when her parents weren’t around, to the extent that people would avoid going to events if they knew she’d be there.

sacremerde · 28/01/2023 14:15

My mother in law says this about her three kids (now in 30s) That they were perfect teens.

I think she's just a very easy going person and doesn't notice their less desirable traits. She's still like this now - she's a very lovely, tolerant person.

Two out of her three kids dropped out of uni and did poorly in school exams, which my parents would have despaired about. She just took it in her stride and was very nbd about it all. They all drink very, very heavily now (not in a horrible way - they're mostly just gregarious and fun - jt they do drink unhealthy amounts) and she doesn't seem to notice or ever criticise while mine would be making comments.

I think it's a lovely way to be but shows how much tolerance varies between parents!

Tropicaliyes · 28/01/2023 14:16

It could also be perspective too.. I have a sister that is 4 years older than me. By the time she got to secondary school she was really bad! Bunking 24/7, got in with the wrong crowd, robbing shops, joined “crews”, had multiple school fights, my mum had the option of paying a fine or doing some time for my sister not going to school, she ran away from home a few times, was bought home by the police multiple times, had friends stay at our house without consent for months (sometimes years) and lastly she ran away from home and got pregnant and stayed with her friends family who doted on her during pregnancy! My mum went on like nothing was wrong!

Now me… when i got to secondary school i excelled the first year and then after a family holiday my mum chose to go on, i became chronically sick forever. My schooling suffered BIG time, i lost my friends, my self esteem, became depressed and suicidal, went from being outgoing and fun to introverted and never wanted to leave my bedroom. I spent most my teenage/school life in Hospital and because i was such a black sheep of the family, most of that time in the children's ward i was alone without visitor’s especially my immediate family.

My mother would tell people how great her older (first) daughter was, as if butter couldnt melt, would do anything for her and regardless of what she did wrong, she could always find a way to look past it. For me though, that was not the case, i was not to be spoken about, i was a child not worthy of giving any praise or help, she would rather cast me put like a bad mistake than admit any faults of her own. Now i have completely cut her out of my life.. she kicked me out at 16 because i was sick and “SHE” couldnt take it anymore… she done everything she could to get me out of her life before then too but its safe to say… To the outside world, my sister was such a good child/teen according to my mum.. Many dont know i exist unless they had met me when I was around.

I know for SURE if i had done even one of the listed things my sister did growing up i would never get treated the same way she did! I also know sometimes when others would mention how she praised my sister but their child wasnt so easy, she would make up a load of crap, state it was down to her parenting blah blah.. Honestly take what some people say with a pinch of salt because its not always the truth and sometimes the ones that isnt acknowledged is the not so troublesome ones.

Every child had their times but its not true to say they are golden 100% of the time and above everyone else, as we all have our own personal struggles to add on top.

Curlyshabtree · 28/01/2023 14:24

My teen dts (15) are overall very good. Good friends, homework done, well adjusted, doing well academically and reasonably helpful. DD happier to spend time with me than DS but that’s fine. Compared to their contemporaries who are drug dealing and having kids, I think I did OK!

FunnysInLaJardin · 28/01/2023 14:25

so far so good with my 17yo and 13yo. I rebelled massively and was ready for the same with my boys - and dreading it tbh - but its not materialised yet!

Mojoj · 28/01/2023 14:26

I'll take my feisty, opinionated, passionate, occasionally cheeky but always entertaining teen over a compliant wee people pleaser any day of the week