some teens are perfect?

[carnation459]

out for a drink with friends last night.
I mentioned in passing that my 12 year old seems to be going through some stuff which is tricky, here come the teen hormones etc and friend said:

"oh mine was delightful. All the way through she was nothing but lovely and never gave me a single problem".

I mean, I guess this is possible.
It wasn't the most supportive comment on the heels of my needing a little supportive nod perhaps.
Surely pre teen/teenage girls (and boys) all have their moments? Don't they? Is it possible to go right the way through with no drama, no pushback against parents, no arguments, no rebellion?

Well, no one is perfect and that includes teens. But yes, my teens are delightful, they are lovely company, they do well at school, we don't have any rows and they don't engage in any risky behaviour that I worry wil land them in trouble.

I think your friend was just joining in the conversation.

I have an angel teen dd and a devil teen ds. It's like a light has been switched on in him since he turned 15. I spend a lot of the time mouthing fuck off you brat after he does a kevin and perry on me yet again.

My 14 year old is lovely. Moody but lovely. I think some of it is parental tolerence. Objectively my child is pretty much model qualities save for the occasional door slamming. Shes polite, helpful, doesn't want to party, studious etc etc. i have got pretty high expectations though so wouldn't say she was perfect as she can still be a bit entitled, rude on occasion and is a devil to get down for dinner.

In short what i'm trying to say is i think she is pretty normal and not particularly hard work. My dh gets more stressed about the little things and is more likely to tell you she is rude. I see that as normal teenage stuff. Maybe your friend does too and therefore in her eyes her child really is just perfect.

I had quite a few friends that really were no trouble at all as teens so I think it can definitely happen, but it isn't the most helpful comment for your friend to make.

I teach teens and I have one doing GCSEs. I'd say that some, probably around half, are a complete joy. Never a moment's bother, polite, erudite, kind, funny, curious. Another 40% have their tricky moments but are predominantly calm. 10% have other challenges or difficulties and experience the world differently (still wonderful though ime). At home, I expect it's similar. I have a very easy y11 who has never given us a moment of bother but I'm not naive or smug. My y6 child is much more spirited and has low self esteem which will make for a tricky teen transition I suspect.

I have two who have made it to their 20s without any ‘moments’ at all. Literally never shout or strop, work hard, don’t make me worry etc etc. It’s just who they are.

Number 3 is more spirited. Not had any actual big issues to be fair but plenty of raised voices and slamming doors although he usually calms down quickly. He can be infuriating to reason with.

It is very much luck. In their personality, the influence of their peer group, home life (that is out of your control etc work stress for parents), bereavements, house moves etc.

It is the norm for teenagers to push back and challenge their boundaries and it is healthy and has been studied as part of brain development. Yes the odd one is different at either end of the spectrum but your teen sounds totally normal.

My friends know my eldest two’s personalities but I wouldn’t bring it up in the context of them having a hard time I’d just listen and give them a hug and reassure them they are doing a good job.

So friend may well be telling truth but didn’t need to iyswim!

I was a really good teen. Any 'moments' I had with shouting was in response to my verbally abusive father who had an anxiety disorder and used to give us a hard time about what we 'might' do. Totally unnecessary where I was concerned.

Most of mine are through the teen years. Only one has given me trouble, one had a couple of niggles, the other four have been fine. The one who gave me trouble made up for the rest of them though.

15yo DD is like this. She's well behaved, doesn't get in trouble etc. Yes, she has hormonal days where you can tell that she hates the world, but she never stops or says anything rude, she just goes a bit monosyllabic and keeps herself to herself.

To be honest, I worry about it a bit. She's a homebody so doesn't go out with her friends a whole lot, by her age I was drinking in parks etc and I think at some point she'll leave home for uni and life will come as a shock. We've also never had cause to get angry at her, and neither have her teachers, how will she cope when she gets an arsehole of a boss.

Teenager are meant to be rebellious, are meant to be arseholes to their parents sometimes, it's part of the process of growing up and disconnecting from their parents.

Your friend is an arse for gloating though when you're looking for support

Maybe she is lucky OP.
My DD was a lovely, happy baby/child. Very polite, always kind, great to be around until she hit 13. Absolutely nightmare. I really had to pick my battles with her. She acted like a ungrateful, spoilt, brat and always had a witty backchat remark. She is 16 and suddenly, has come out of the hormonal rage. Fingers crossed I have my girl back.
My boys are 13 and 11. Both are extremely laid back, very polite, kind, good to be around and at the moment, all three get on well together. For now anyway. I hops my DS's stay the way they are but if they don't, I am ready for the battle.

I think that people who think their teens are perfect may not be aware of everything going on. Not to say that they are doing awful stuff, but perhaps they are not sharing how they feel with their parents and may have their own worries about friends, relationships or whatever and just not expressing it loudly at home.
My DS15 is tricky at the moment but if he comes out at 19 as being fine, I am likely to have forgotten all this and will be telling people he was a joy. Same way he was a joy as a baby and getting up at 5:55 every morning on wintry Sundays was my own personal choice and that year where he only eat weetabix was a delightful quirk...

I think the way to not looksmug is if your friends ask for advice about an area your DC is 'good' at is to say something they are not great at straight after! That's my approach.

e.g. DS1 just eats what you give him but is a rubbish sleeper (still at 6.5), DS2 avoided the terrible twos but is a fussy eater.

My 16 yo DS is a delight. Lovely lad who lives for his football, friends and family. Bit lazy at school but capable and he's respectful to adults and well liked.
13yo DD on the other hand is rude, hormonal, engages in risky behaviours (vaping, alcohol, self-harm, going missing) and a general nightmare at school. She's been excluded for fighting, truancy and her attitude is abysmal. The police are frequently called to deal with her. We are living an utter nightmare and I've had a breakdown. We are a 'decent family' with no social issues, history of neglect, trauma or abuse. Police and social services openly admit that we are in a tough position as we are deemed capable of safeguarding DD even though it's costing us our own health. We get very little support.
You don't get 2 teens the same. Any parents who are fortunate enough to have a teen with "no issues" should thank their lucky stars and be mindful of others who are at the end of their tether. My circle of friends had become much smaller as I distance myself from unsupportive and judgemental people. It's tough.

My ds 16 and I certainly don't have rose coloured glasses about the baby days. It might be reassuring to think that parents of easy teens are hopelessly naïve but some teens just aren't that hard.

When people talk about their difficult teenage girls I nod along sympathetically because I am not a dick but I can genuinely say that DD, turning 20 soon, has literally never given me a day’s grief in her life. I always put it down to the fact that she was a surprise pregnancy and my mum died when I was pregnant so she has always felt like some kind of weird consolation/karma but of course I can’t say that to people because that sounds like I am nuts!

You never know what those ‘perfect’ teens are holding inside. It often comes out much later in resentment.

I think it depends on your personal ideas of what's normal or not and what's bad and tricky and not.

I'd say I sailed through teen years with ds with regards to challenges etc.

Yeah he was a moody git for about 6 months through puberty.

He had challenges with his MH due to his autism and being bullied and that was challenging.

But with regards wilful and deliberate bad behaviour he was and is a gem!

So much so that I could be really quite relaxed with him and now he's 18 I'm putting a bullet up his arse more often about things like tidying up etc because I never had to come down hard on him previously!

He's still extremely well behaved and compliant though 🤷‍♀️

Teens can be messy, chaotic, challenging AND loving, creative and perfect.

What is perfect for some would be boring as paint drying for others.

I think telling people who had ‘easy’ teens that they are somehow repressing their true selves and emotions and storing up future trouble isn’t fair.
I know my kids. They aren’t ‘easy’ because I have done anything or shaped them or expected compliance they are just the same personality as their dad- happy and easy going and find the joy in life. They are naturally just content. Younger DC and I aren’t quite the same!

This. I was a high achieving student, volunteered for two different groups, played instruments, coached sport for younger children, acted in plays, was polite, organised, friendly, kind, funny…

beneath it all I was struggling. Anxiety, fear, difficulty making friends, depression, self harm, my sexuality…

the “perfect” teenagers are often the ones with the most issues.

But the op isn't talking about an over achieving teen who is pushing themselves to be 'perfect', where perfect looks like a heartbeat away from burn-out. She is using the word perfect to refer to teens who aren't rebelling, pushing back, causing arguments.

Her friend didn't use the word perfect at all she said "oh mine was delightful. All the way through she was nothing but lovely and never gave me a single problem"

To me, this is a discussion about easy going teens and I'm not sure the word perfect is helping at all.

19 yr old DS has never raised his voice or slammed a door. He’s just an easy going pleasant man, so far no issues. 16 yr old DD is more fiery but no issues there either, again so far. I do feel pressure to almost lie and do the whole teenagers are so impossible thing but mine so far are polite, good company and happy (other than exam pressures from time to time). Probably name change after this post as I will be called smug or told my kids are secretly drinking or self harming. I was an easy teen too.

My dd1 is easy going, almost 17 and has caused no real trouble. I have a colleague with a daughter the same age and another with one a couple of years younger, they are an endless source of stress for them.

They laugh at me as I sorrowfully shake me head at the thought of dd2 (almost 11) being a teenager.

Dd1 was also one who slept through from a very young age.

Dd2 didn't.

I was great as a teen, I guess because I felt like my mum was very strict and controlling and I was afraid of any consequences. But then I got all the rebellion out in my 20s.

@Hoppinggreen your comment really hits home and I think you’re very kind and honest to post about your daughter.
Some teens will be a breeze but maybe they have had nothing in their lives to knock them, or they were just born with the ability to cope with anything that’s thrown at them. Either way, competitive parenting is damaging. Sick of seeing my friends perfect lives portrayed on social media, when really it’s often absolute rubbish. Rant over 😬