Do you 'shout' at your children

[cantdecideforanother]

Just following on from a conversation with friends last night.

Do you shout at your children. Myself and DH don't really shout at dc (aged 7 and 10). I use other strategies and have never felt like I needed to shout and don't think it works but frilly I was made to feel like because I don't shout that I don't discipline them.

No, I never shout at them and never will. I grew up with parents that shouted a lot and I hated it, and them. One of my children in particular hates shouting from anyone so can’t imagine how she’d feel if it was coming from me or her dad.

Same here. I grew up with shouty parents (father was shockingly bad). So I've had to do a lot of work and be mindful. I am improving and shout less these days. It's when the stress levels become too much and I have to count to ten instead or close my eyes. My DCs would test the patience of a saint 😀 DC3 has just vomited everywhere so I had to shout for elder DC to come help, in that circumstance I think is ok.

*eldest DC not elder 😂

We wouldn't shout at work, at colleagues or in a supermarket so why is it okay to shout at our children?

I guess it depends on your definition of shouting at children. I have a 3.5 year old DD who barrels around the place and when I say I shout at her sometimes, I mean I shout "stop" or "careful" or something along those lines when she's about to either hurt herself, break something, or hurt her 8 month old sister. I would shout similar at an adult if necessary if they were going to hurt themselves or hurt someone else.
Also I very rarely have any need to raise my voice to a colleague so they can hear me over their own full volume rendition of jingle bells at the top of their voice at the end of January, which was why I had to raise my voice at DD this morning - I wouldn't have classed it as shouting, I don't think it reached that volume, but it all depends on what you define as shouting.

@cantdecideforanother

No offence but I am not taking parenting advice from someone who only has two kids, the oldest one being 10. LOL.

I’ve raised quite a few children successfully thank you. They are delightful and doing very well. Perhaps your children know they’re not ever safe to get mother to the point of ever raising her voice.

@MissWings come on how many children do you have? I bet your one of them parents with a load of kids, don't know where they are or what they are doing and the neighbours can hear you shouting at them through the walls 🤣🤣
no offence taken by someone who shouts at their children ✌🏻

@Noonoo12344 ... So glad I'm not the only one that flips my kids off behind their backs.

My self control comes in the form of not screaming 'leave me the fuck alone' every time I think it.

I'm off now as OPs last couple of posts are either deliberately goudy or just flat out sanctimonious and I seriously don't have the patience for arsehole adults when I spend my life dealing with arsehole children.

@cantdecideforanother

I can see from your last post that you’re just here to be incredibly judgemental about other mothers and how they parent. It’s quite obvious now from your last post. Also you have two children and your username suggests you would quite like another one, oh the irony 😉.

How are you defining shouting? That’s one long spectrum really isn’t it? Do you mean shouting loudly in a child’s face and berating them? It doesn’t take a genius to realise that that is very wrong. Do you mean raised voices? How exactly are you defining this other than just coming across as a poorly educated, inexperienced and judgemental mother. So far you’re coming across as quite the mumsnet cliche and I am cringing for you.

There are different levels of shouting or raising your voice though
Getting attention
Warning of danger
Needing assistance from someone in a different room
Those are all fine. They aren't done aggressivly.

Then there is aggressive shouting and 'telling off' shouting can verge into this depending on tone and body language and really that is verbal abuse and done regularly would fit into neglecting a child's emotional wellbeing.
My neighbour regularly screams, shouts and swears at her young children one in a specialist school for developmental delay and one a toddler. She no doubt has some additional needs herself but we have to listen to her screaming "I fucking hate you", "you're a fucking retard", "stop touching your fucking brother"almost everyday. That is what I would call a shouty parent and yes I've reported to NSPCC and school hopefully to get her some support.

I’ll admit I used to, and that was because of the mind frame I was in it probably wasn’t even anything overly terrible that they were doing. I’m a lot less stressed these days and tbh I don’t have the energy to shout lol it’s for my own sanity as well I just try to deal
with things more calmly. I thought I was quite moany and shouty but my son (10 & autistic) gets upset when he goes to his dads who shouts a lot and says he prefers being here because I never shout

@Singleandproud

Thank you for the definitions. I agree with you 💯 percent. Perhaps the OP could have articulated herself a little better in which case it’s a real non thread.

Hey @MissWings how judgemental are you. I actually have 4 children, 2 grown up who are doing very well and lovely children. I definitely do not want any more children; apart from feeling too old, I probably couldn't afford it financially. Just a little bit of advice for the future on Mumsnet, don't judge a poster by their username.

I do sometimes when my son is being particularly destructive or violent towards me. He's autistic and I hate myself when I yell at him.

Please stop giving me advice 😂. I know you’re perfect and all that with your parenting strategies but I’m all good 👍. I don’t believe for one moment you have two older ones, you’re just back peddling now, or else you would have mentioned them in your OP.

Something along the lines of “I have 4 children and I have never shouted at them, even my grown up ones”.

Give over. Troll.

No I give a look.
Then I talk quietly 1:1 with a certain tone of voice if needed.

@Montague22

Ahh, I see you’ve mastered the death stare 👀. I applaud you 👏 . Particularly effective in public I find….. 😂

This made me laugh.
Yes the death stare and the tone of voice always does it 🤣🤣

Why would I mention my 24 and 26 year old in my post, whom I no longer have to discipline or use behavioural strategies with 🤔

Boundaries are pushed. Tempers get frayed. You make up and learn and reconnect. Shouting isn't great but we're humans - we err and forgive and it's important our kids see us as fallible and essentially trying hard but not always getting it right.
I'd much rather that than have children who were so amenable and compliant that they never drove me to shout! Usually indicates kids who are too afraid to test the boundary and have been brought up to think any transgression is intolerable and unloveable. Not a good recipe for long term good mental health!

@cantdecideforanother

More superiority points 😉.

By the way, what happens if you’ve raised children for decades with not so much as ONE raised voice? How do they then handle that in adulthood? Do they then assume that a raised voice is something to be ashamed about? What if they’re struggling with the emotion of anger and all the other strategies just aren’t cutting it? How will they reflect on their raised voices?

My husband grew up in a home with four siblings and a mother who quite simply never shouted or raised her voice. She also never implemented any other boundaries but that’s another issue entirely. Just recently their grandmother died and a couple of the siblings were not happy with funeral arrangements. They were all actually really quite angry and hurt about this but they couldn’t express it. They are all terribly, terribly afraid of even healthy levels of conflict. A slight raised tone and his sisters will dissolve into tears (the mother too). No one dares has a raised voice or an opinion that is too strong and they all walk on eggshells with their mother. She gets off Scott free as a person because “she never raises her voice” (but she is awfully passive aggressive).

They are not expressive at all. It was normal in my family that if you had a grievance whilst it wouldn’t be acceptable to verbally abuse a family member, you could lay it out on the table and a raised voice wasn’t really the end of the world, and still isn’t actually. How you incorporate the emotion of anger into your family, whilst sounds admirable on the surface it’s not always the case. Often those families who never ever raise a voice or have a cross word are the biggest carpet sweepers I’ve ever known and not at all healthy, despite looking it on the surface.

I teach my children the whole emotional spectrum and I am hopefully modelling normal, human reactions. If I’ve ever shouted too much, I have apologised. Again, there’s no shame in this. People make mistakes, they apologise and they move on. I was heartened actually when my teen son threw his arms around me last week “sorry mum…. I was out of line, I love you”.

@santibaby

I do agree. Most normal people at some point in their motherhood have shouted or raised their voice (I am not talking about verbal abuse here). Additionally, it does depend on the child. My middle for example is very compliant naturally because he is super laid back. It’s got nothing to do with the way I’ve parented him that’s just his temperament.

My husband and siblings just cannot express anger overtly and if they do they experience a great deal of shame. They literally feel ashamed of themselves if they’ve had to raise their voice. To be honest they have a whole host of problems but they say opposites attract and I think my husband was shell shocked when he first came into my family home 😂. We are expressive, but we say what we mean and there are no hidden agendas, no family dynamic is perfect but we sure are all human in my family. My husband is a lot better these days and he knows that if his temper is ever frayed then he is not a bad person. Took him a while to unpick the shame that was his mothers legacy.

I am exactly the same! It devolves into shouting every day over teeth, shoes and coats and now violin practice

Stop being ridiculous and re-read my post and understand what I am saying. I never said I don't raise my voice 🙄 I am asking about shouting, to me, a raised voice and shouting are different.

I have not shouted at mine, because I was shouted at as a child and teen by my Dad. This has caused me numerous issues, and I have Complex ptsd from it. I wouldn't wish that kind of trauma on anyone. There are healthier ways to discipline children / teens.

@cantdecideforanother

Oh finally, you actually clarified the difference. There’s been nothing ridiculous about my posts either, they make perfect sense.