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Original poster

Do you 'shout' at your children

126 replies

cantdecideforanother · 28/01/2023 07:04

Just following on from a conversation with friends last night.

Do you shout at your children. Myself and DH don't really shout at dc (aged 7 and 10). I use other strategies and have never felt like I needed to shout and don't think it works but frilly I was made to feel like because I don't shout that I don't discipline them.

OP posts:
SnakeOiler · 28/01/2023 07:54

Yes, usually when I am at the end of my rope and so heavily triggered it comes out. I hate my lack of control afterwards and do apologise if it’s warranted.

I’m the best parent in the world when I’m calm, unfortunately my kids have reached an age where they know how to trigger me and spend 99% of their lives arguing with eachother so I am in a constant state of high stress negativity so the rope can feel quite short some days.

and no, explaining to them how awful it is hearing the way they talk to eachother and behave with one another has made not one bit of difference.

had a horrendous day at work yesterday, building work at home and came back at 6:30 to tonnes of dust and as it’s a Friday needed sorting for the weekend. Finished cleaning at 8:30, ate, shower, said goodnight to the kids and they started. In the end I shouted because I was completely done in and just needed them to shut up before I had a nervous breakdown tbh.

I was fine half an hour later once I’d had some time to chill and breathe, went up and apologised and all fine. But I hate it, every single time.

zaffa · 28/01/2023 07:54

I don't shout for discipline, but if DD (3) was about to do something dangerous and I wasn't right next to her to stop her, I'd shout to stop. (Like about to grab the cat for a cuddle despite the cat not at all wishing to be grabbed, or getting too close to a hot oven door or something). Or if she ran ahead and could have gotten out of sight.
I wouldn't shout if she was being challenging or pushing boundaries, because I think I'd just be teaching her that if people do stuff we don't like, we shout at them (and I don't want to be shouted at!). We do a combination of time in, distraction and clear natural consequences and seem to be doing ok.

Oneborneverydecade · 28/01/2023 07:55

4yo no
11yo no except occasionally to get his attention if he's absorbed by his tablet
16yo regularly. I hate it but he can be very frustrating. He shouts back

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TakeNoTwitsGiveNoDucks · 28/01/2023 07:58

If you raise your voice at your kids, you shout at your kids. Problem solved. You're welcome 😄

I'm another one who has worked in schools (primary and secondary) I have an excellent 'teachers voice' and even the wishy washiest teacher dealing with the teeniest children will use this voice too. Parents who don't discipline are a pain in the hole and their kids end up behaving like animals (I no longer work in schools as behaviour is so bad now - big boys beating the crap out of each other and having to be physically restrained etc - this was in naice schools).

LyingDogsLie1 · 28/01/2023 07:59

BoozeHound · 28/01/2023 07:08

I do but wish I didn’t. I do when I feel really stressed and out of control, usually when we’re trying to leave the house.
I feel awful afterwards, I wouldn’t talk to anyone else in the same way.

I strive to be more like you @cantdecideforanother

Same. I do. I know it’s not effective and makes my eldest more defiant. I just can’t keep a lid on it sometimes, I’m working on it.

TinaYouFatLard · 28/01/2023 08:02

I don’t shout but my DC all interpret a slightly (or very) stern tone of voice as “shouting” so I may as well have spent their lives yelling!

BridieConvert · 28/01/2023 08:05

BoozeHound · 28/01/2023 07:08

I do but wish I didn’t. I do when I feel really stressed and out of control, usually when we’re trying to leave the house.
I feel awful afterwards, I wouldn’t talk to anyone else in the same way.

I strive to be more like you @cantdecideforanother

I'm the same and I spend the rest of the day feeling really guilty. I'm really working on not shouting but it definitely comes out at times of high stress/frustration

Palmface · 28/01/2023 08:23

Fucket · 28/01/2023 07:09

I shout if warranted, I.e. they are about to injure themselves or someone else and I am a fair distance away. Mostly a stern look and a raised teacher voice does the trick though.

This is me, too.

I also shout to be heard over the noise of them, but only in a volume up kind of way, not an aggressive way if that makes sense? Then quieten down when they hear me.

Shouting raises the tensions in our house (dh does shout despite my attempts at stopping that), and the kids then shout more as they're seeing dh do it. It's hard.

callmesophia · 28/01/2023 08:27

Yep. Wish I didn't, but I do.

We're a very loud, open and eccentric family tbh. Hearts on sleeves. Lots of shouting, but lots of love and compassion.

JustDrama · 28/01/2023 08:29

Probably after the 10th time of asking them to do their teeth and go to bed. For them it's a social event where they all gather on the landing and chat for an hour. I've also been know to conversecate stuff if they still don't listen

Ricco12 · 28/01/2023 08:32

Yes i do . Boys age 6 & 8 but I wish I didn't. I feel stuck in a rut of shouting as no one listens and my kids shout - clearly learnt behaviour

It really stresses me but I can't seem to charge it

Myself and my oldest also have ADHD which contributes to it definitely

I'd love to be more like you OP.

FourTeaFallOut · 28/01/2023 08:37

No, I don't. I'm clear and no-nonsense in telling them off if it's required but I don't think shouting helps.

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 28/01/2023 08:39

No, I don’t. I’m just not a shouty person, in any circumstance - if I try to shout, I feel as if I’m just putting on an act.
Shouting wouldn’t help in any case with my autistic, ultra-noise-sensitive daughter.

mumof3now2 · 28/01/2023 08:41

I used to.... I was never very patient as a parent of younger kids.... now they are older (and our family dynamic has changed) I rarely do. We have discussions instead

daemonologie · 28/01/2023 08:43

More of a growl than a shout. My kids are very well behaved but when they've decided not to do as they're told my voice has more of a growl to it. Then they know they've really pushed it too far. Doesn't happen often.

ThisIsWednesday · 28/01/2023 08:45

I did back when it was needed. And because my kids got a proper bollocking as required, now they're 10, 13 and 16 I don't really need to because they're very well behaved kids. I couldn't wish for nicer, happier, more pleasant children, even as teens my DDs are so close to me and each other.

tired40 · 28/01/2023 08:45

DD and DS are both teens. Occasionally a raised voice is effective at getting through to them.

YouJustDoYou · 28/01/2023 08:47

When necessary, yes. Escalation and warning policy, which they know inside out. Pleasantly asked first time. Eg, "We're leaving in 5 minutes, please put on your shoes". If it;s not done, "We're leaving in 3 minutes, put your shoes on now". If they STILL haven't done what I'm asking, I raise my voice and firmly repeat. "WE ARE LEAVING IN 2 minutes. Do you prefer me to keep speaking normally, or would you prefer for me to shout as it seems you can't hear me? Shoes on. NOW". And then very, very rarely, "GET YOUR SHOES ON RIGHT NOW OR YOUR LEAVING IN BARE FEET!".

Usually it's a calm, relatively peaceful household (when they;re not arguing with each other), they know that they have warnings, and they know I will have to raise my voice if they choose not to listen so in general they just need a reminder once or twice if they've been distracted and they get stuff done. But they also know I will shout if I have to.

YouJustDoYou · 28/01/2023 08:48

I should add, that was never when they were very young though, only when they were older and undertood consequences etc.

AWaferThinMint · 28/01/2023 08:49

More than I would like to. I've been really working on it though.

Teapleasebobb · 28/01/2023 08:54

No, I use a firm tone if I need to tell ds off for something, and that works well, I also raise my voice too, but not shouty (have shouted before in the past maybe two or three times that I can remember, felt totally shit about it afterwards, felt like I'd lost control).
I know of a couple of shouty mums at school and we sometimes see them in the shop on the way home, but these aren't just shouty, they also growl and you can hear the aggression in their voices. Ds said to me once, "I feel sorry for Lola having a mum like that, she's always shouting, I'm so glad you're my mum". Made me feel so sad for the girl.

Kim82 · 28/01/2023 08:56

I shouted very occasionally when the older 3 were younger but that was more me being stressed (working full time with 3 young dc - had a 7 year age gap between number 3 and 4 so had chilled a lot in those years!). I didn’t shout often though.

Im lucky that the 3 girls who are still at home (aged 18, 15 and 8) are lovely and very laid back so I never need to shout at them. My eldest (ds) went through a god awful stage from 14-17 ish and there was an absolute shit tonne of shouting at that point. He’s now 21, lives with his friends and returned to his former lovely self so it would be weird if I shouted at him as an adult!

Wineandwinelalalala · 28/01/2023 08:56

I sure do. Especially in the mornings when my kids 10 and 12 refuse to move out their beds for school. The 12 year old is the worst, I dread what my neighbours can hear!!

Sleepless1096 · 28/01/2023 09:06

Not angry shouting but I have a loud, stern voice which can go louder and louder (same tone) until DC finally pays attention.

Saltisford · 28/01/2023 09:06

No but I do use my stern teacher voice!