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Life is over really

95 replies

Ashamedandlifeisover · 26/01/2023 07:14

I've been thinking of applying for a job. Just read on the application that they do an online search on you. I have previously been on trial for something an d cleared but it did make the papers.

My life is over isn't it. I really want to die as I feel I have this weight around my neck that will never be gone . I'm not even going to me able to move on from this. The panic when I saw it and relived it all. Already thinking about how to escape life. It haunts me all the time. I'm ashamed

Tried my best to move on but it won't allow me to.

I'll never get a job will I with this in the Internet

OP posts:
AmIThatMam · 26/01/2023 07:19

I think they are looking more at social media, your online presence. If it’s bad enough that you think it would affect your prospects, you could change your name. Nothing is insurmountable, please reach out to someone irl. X

Heartstopper · 26/01/2023 07:19

Why are you ashamed if you were cleared? I don't know what advice to give really but I want to say don't despair. You might not get this job but you will get a job eventually.

00100001 · 26/01/2023 07:19

Don't give your exact name upon application... E.g. Lizzy Smith. Instead of Elizabeth-Marie Smith

Duckduckgooseagain · 26/01/2023 07:20

If you were cleared they shouldn’t hold this against you. You are catastrophising (I am also guilty of this). You haven’t even entered the race and you’re already quitting.

I know this is scary but the first step is putting in your CV. Lots of people don’t hear back about jobs so please don’t assume it’s about your past.

Please just put in your CV you might be surprised at what happens!

GreyCarpet · 26/01/2023 07:33

I guess it depends what the job is and what the charge was along with their own internal policies. But the truth is, you won't know unless you apply.

Don't write yourself off without even trying!

YellowHpok · 26/01/2023 07:35

Register with a recruitment agency, they will absolutely be able to help with this.

watchfulwishes · 26/01/2023 07:39

If you stood trial for something you were innocent of, you've had a huge trauma. You need more support to deal with this. How long ago was the trial?

I could give specific suggestions, which may or may not work, but what you really need help with is the overarching feeling of hopelessness. Please don't kill yourself but instead try to focus on what you can do to move towards hope.

Remember people get jobs after being convicted and incarcerated. There is a life for you ahead.

user8545 · 26/01/2023 07:49

If you weren't convicted it shouldn't have any impact

Bookcub · 26/01/2023 08:04

Have a look a 'right to be forgotten ' on Google search. Under gdpr you can apply to have links to old information about you removed from search results.

Ashamedandlifeisover · 26/01/2023 08:10

Bookcub · 26/01/2023 08:04

Have a look a 'right to be forgotten ' on Google search. Under gdpr you can apply to have links to old information about you removed from search results.

Is that really true? It is hanging over me. Have panic attacks when I hear a loud knock (police coming to arrest) I don't like spaces from being in a cell is just bad such an affect was a good few years ago and yet it's still ccrippling me every day

OP posts:
Sugargliderwombat · 26/01/2023 08:15

People get jobs after actually being in prison remember 🙂. So sorry this happened to you.

AnnaKorine · 26/01/2023 08:17

Have a look a 'right to be forgotten ' on Google search. Under gdpr you can apply to have links to old information about you removed from search results.

I was also going to say this. Definitely pursue this avenue.

Dibbydoos · 26/01/2023 08:26

OP you were cleared so whilst you were accused the evidence didn't support a conviction. Lots of people are wrong lying accused, but thinking it has fd up your life and knowing that are two different things.

Apply and see what happens I have a good feeling for you.

gogohmm · 26/01/2023 08:31

Plenty of employers do not check the internet, in fact some don't even take up references. The only jobs where a search is done that brings up charges that weren't proven is enhanced dbs, even then you can have your day. Very few jobs require enhanced dbs ((mine does but nobody else in my site)

BunchHarman · 26/01/2023 08:40

Had you been found guilty, would it have been a spent conviction by now? If so, even with a conviction, people have a right to move on and not have something held against them. You were acquitted. So it can’t be used against you.

I think you have some trauma around this that you’ve not dealt with.

Felicity42 · 26/01/2023 09:30

Don't let yourself be defined by one experience in your life.

You are more than that experience.

Don't allow yourself, your life thus far, the people you love and the things that are important to you and all the good stuff that went before this, to be crammed into this tiny box of shame and fear.

Get support to help you move on.

You could contact somewhere like victim support UK. You are a victim of the legal process. They might have good advice for you esp practical help regarding the trauma you have suffered.

Don't be on your own with it.

Ashamedandlifeisover · 26/01/2023 17:29

I don't feel like I deserve help, victim support are for real victims. But it's big. So big. I have tried to move on but it's there. A big black mark forever against my name. The panic attacks the having to be on depression tablets and valium. The judge said I could leave with a clear name yet I can't. There's no future. No way out.

OP posts:
Riddlydiddlydee · 26/01/2023 17:46

@Ashamedandlifeisover I promise you this is the depression talking. I can relate a little to your situation, the overwhelming feeling of that's it, forever being judged and stigmatised for something that isn't your fault. You need support and you deserve support. Please reach out. Have you had counselling?

There are other ways into work, if you don't feel up to making applications just yet. Have you thought about volunteering or doing a college course? Lots of volunteer organisations understand the obstacles some people face. Even short term, something like that might just help build your confidence back up before taking the leap into employment. Baby steps.

AnchovyInCowlNeck · 26/01/2023 17:52

Bless you, OP. Xx

WhatIsNextNow · 26/01/2023 18:01

Feel sad reading this it does sound like you have PTSD …. I think the option for getting yourself off google search is a good idea and make you feel you’re in control a little. Also the volunteering is a good suggestion as not such a big step and help with confidence. I can totally understand why you’re feeling like you do but I would say your life is definitely NOT over. It will be ok x

Riddlydiddlydee · 26/01/2023 18:54

I'm really worried too OP, if it's making you feel so bad that you're contemplating ending your life - is this what you mean? If so I hear you Flowers
And it means you really, really do need to talk to someone about this in RL, because it sounds like you want to find a way to work, you just can't see how at the moment - is that right? You're here seeking support which is a massive step, but I'm wondering if a call to the Samaritans would be a good idea, they are brilliant, do you think you can do that?

Anonymouslyposting · 26/01/2023 19:06

Really sorry this has happened to you OP. It is just horrible to have a black mark against your name like that.

DH has a similar issue. He was arrested in his late teens for a strict liability offence. Although the police accepted that he had no idea he was committing the offence, that no one was harmed and there was no possibility that anyone would be harmed and that he would never have intentionally broken the law the CPS were obliged to charge him as it’s strict liability and he received a caution. DH was loosely involved in politics at the time and so several national newspapers printed the story.

This happened over a decade ago now so the caution is spent and he no longer has a criminal record, the caution is wiped and wouldn’t even come up on an enhanced DBS check. However, because of the newspaper stories the information is still out there and, as employers routinely google applicants, comes up every time he applies for a job. He has lost at least one job offer because of it and who knows whether he didn’t get to interviews elsewhere because of it. It is very upsetting as it was one of the scariest things that has ever happened to him and he feels like he can’t get away from it.

We tried the right to be forgotten process years ago but because of the political connection google decided that it was in the public interest for the stories to remain up. We could possibly try again now it’s been so long.

However, he now has a great job, we are a happy family and I think his life is going pretty well!

If I were you I’d try the right to be forgotten process, hopefully as you were actually acquitted you’ll have better luck, but if that doesn’t work, don’t despair - DH has declared the issue to all of his employees and with one exception they have hired him nonetheless (in a regulated profession where you have to be a fit and proper person). Speaking directly to the person who you’ll be working for (not HR) and explaining the circumstances so they feel you’ve been up front with them rather than letting them find out about it on their own goes a long way and gives you an opportunity to explain what happened.

It is incredibly unfair that we have laws like the rehabilitation of offenders act to ensure that people don’t have these things hovering over them forever but things on the internet can still blight your life. However, the more time passes the lower down the google search results your story will fall until someone really has to dig to find it. Plus, while it hurts at the time, you don’t want to work for someone who doesn’t want you based on something you didn’t even do - the ones that reject you based on that are employers you probably don’t work to be tied to.

Anonymouslyposting · 26/01/2023 19:10

I should also say - the publicity at the time for something that he never intended to do was really difficult for my DH. He lost his confidence completely for a while and it changed his view of himself for years. For a long time he had nightmares. Now he barely thinks about it - it’s absolutely horrible but it really will get better however bleak it seems at the moment.

Ashamedandlifeisover · 26/01/2023 19:47

Yes this has changed the way I feel about myself and it was a few years back. It's made me a shadow of myself. I'm scared a lot of the time I'm almost watching over my shoulder. I am grateful I didn't lose my children over it but I don't think they deserve me they deserve more. Much more than me. I won't be able to face them once they know
Which they will one day once they use the Internet
I hate myself. If my parents hadn't already lost my sibling I really do wonder. I so wanted to go with them (they passed about a year after this.

OP posts:
Opaljewel · 26/01/2023 20:07

You poor soul. I can literally feel your pain reading this.

Please don't give up on yourself. You've done nothing wrong. You were cleared. It's time to clear your own guilt about yourself. It sounds like you have ptsd.

Have you ever had some therapy over this? Maybe it could help.

This shame is not yours to bear.

As a previous poster said, please register with a recruitment agency. They should be able to help. Google ones that are friendly and non judgemental.

If anyone judges you on this, remember it says more about them than you. You can hold your head up high.

If you need someone to speak to about how you are feeling and no I won't ask you to tell me what the trial was about but if you need someone to talk to my inbox on here is open.

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