Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

DH cannot get DS out the house!

114 replies

Mylittlesandwich · 23/01/2023 13:20

I am aware this is not my problem but it's really starting to annoy me more than it should.

The way we work childcare is that DH doesn't work Monday and Tuesday so he looks after DS while I work. I don't work 3 days while I look after DS and he goes to nursery 2 days a week while we both work.

DS has 2 wee clubs he goes to, one on one of my days and one on one of DHs days. This is now the 3rd week that DH has been unable to get out the door in time for this class to the point where I'm now going to cancel the class because it's just a waste of money and a space another child could use.

This class is in the afternoon and close to home, I have issues with timekeeping etc too but it's really bugging me that he can't do this one thing! DS enjoys the class but is a standard toddler and getting out the house isn't always easy.

OP posts:
BettyOBarley · 23/01/2023 20:17

Is he late for work every week?

It's not that hard to get one toddler ready for something... He just needs to start earlier or admit that he's doing it on purpose because he doesn't want to take him and do something else.

BowiesJumper · 23/01/2023 20:18

Can’t he set a couple of alarms? One when he has to start getting them ready to go, and one when they have to leave? (With 5 mins added to make it less of a rush). I mean, he’s an adult, he really should be able to do this.

PennyRa · 23/01/2023 20:24

It's really not that big of a deal. It's cold, they'd probably much rather watch Disney movies and play Lego.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Childcare & nursery Families
Runningonjammiedodgers · 23/01/2023 20:30

Skinnermarink · 23/01/2023 13:45

My 16 month old was shimmying about doing what could have been Riverdance this morning as I was trying to get his shoes on. He bolted when I came at him with a coat and then took his hat off and put it in the toilet.

Standard. We still made our 10am activity because I started getting him ready way before we needed to leave. Your DH can do it, we all can, he just isn’t making the effort.

This message brought me alot of joy 😄

Emotionalsupportviper · 23/01/2023 20:50

Bemyclementine · 23/01/2023 13:23

He can do it, he's just not doing it.

This.

DS is a toddler, nit a strapping 15 year old who is just lying like a lump in bed and refusing to move. Your DH just doesn't want to put himself out.

HedgehogB · 23/01/2023 20:51

Needmorelego · 23/01/2023 14:41

@Skinnermarink well yes all toddlers are different. Mine was quite happy on a cold winters day to be indoors doing Duplo, playing with cars, playdoh, random mess with crayons, sitting and listening to stories, dancing around to music, playing with trains and the 1001 other things that toddlers like.
If the Dad is doing that with his son then surely that's just as good as going to an organised activity?

This. I agree with OP that this is frustrating and that DH needs to sort his shit out, but also that it’s such a modern idea that toddlers need all this extra curricular stimulation. My mum raised five kids in the seventies with a sandpit and not a lot else, we are all really sociable and have degrees and good careers ! I am as guilty as the next person of going to every club and activity going when my pre-school son was at home with me but in all honesty a lot of it was for me! Nursery a couple of times a week is enough social activity for a 3 year old . I’d just suggest they kick a ball around the garden or make some cakes and to their own timetable . It’s not popular to say this but dads at toddler groups usually look embarrassed 😳 . However I repeat, if this is what OP wants and DH agrees then he just needs to get organised.

myquicheisbetterthanyourquiche · 23/01/2023 20:53

So many women on here end up sounding like their partners' mothers.

@Mylittlesandwich Is your son happy and thriving? Do he and his dad mostly enjoy the time they spend together? If so, I'd cancel the class and let them get on with it. You do what works for you when you're the parent in charge. Whatever you've agreed, probably both of you with the best intentions, it isn't working.

I used to take my DC to toddler groups etc, but the truth is that they were for me as much as for the DC. I could have said it was to enhance their social development etc (which would have been true at some level), but even more important than that was that I wanted to get out of the house with them, and it helped to have a fixed activity to aim for. But it's far easier for a SAHM to go to these things and talk to a load of other SAHMs than it would be for a part-time working dad.

Give him a break and give him free rein over the time he spends with your son. You do what works for you. If your DH wants to take your son to a class of some sort, he will be able to work out how to do it. But my guess is that he won't, because he'll be happy doing other things (which means that your son will be happy, too).

Skinnermarink · 23/01/2023 21:06

HedgehogB · 23/01/2023 20:51

This. I agree with OP that this is frustrating and that DH needs to sort his shit out, but also that it’s such a modern idea that toddlers need all this extra curricular stimulation. My mum raised five kids in the seventies with a sandpit and not a lot else, we are all really sociable and have degrees and good careers ! I am as guilty as the next person of going to every club and activity going when my pre-school son was at home with me but in all honesty a lot of it was for me! Nursery a couple of times a week is enough social activity for a 3 year old . I’d just suggest they kick a ball around the garden or make some cakes and to their own timetable . It’s not popular to say this but dads at toddler groups usually look embarrassed 😳 . However I repeat, if this is what OP wants and DH agrees then he just needs to get organised.

Show quote history

Well, we don’t have a garden and our flat is really small. I’ll take the toddler groups and the stay and plays and trips out to the park and the woods to burn off energy if it’s all the same to you.

ShandaLear · 23/01/2023 21:07

Your DH doesn’t want to take him. If he did, he would.

knittingaddict · 23/01/2023 21:09

Some people seem weirdly incapable of knowing what time they need to leave the house and how long all the things they need to get done before that will take. I don't understand it myself.

Mulhollandmagoo · 23/01/2023 21:27

Is it an early-ish morning class OP? My daughter has a class at 10am, it's a five minute drive....it was taking me forever to get her ready (because she is 3 🤣) so I started getting absolutely everything ready, and easily accessible the night before for us both and it's made life so much easier. Could you suggest him doing that?

Beelezebub · 23/01/2023 22:02

Mylittlesandwich · 23/01/2023 20:15

I will not be divorcing DH over a toddler class 😂.

Its irritating but hardly the end of the world. DH himself suggested finding something else to do that is less time restricted on a Monday as in his words he never seems to get it together in time. We discussed that this was a good opportunity for gross motor development so he's going to come up with something else beneficial that can be done at whatever time of the day they're ready to go.

It’s also a good opportunity for him to learn to “get it together” - is he going to be this crap about taking your child to places by a certain time forever? What about school?

Blueeyedgirl21 · 23/01/2023 22:04

People saying it doesn’t matter who cares, they don’t need to go to the activity etc well yes there’s a lot of things you don’t actually NEED to do, kids don’t need the park, to go to the supermarket, to visit grandpa and grandma etc but we still do it because unlike what a lot of people on mumsnet seem to think you do need to leave the house sometimes 🙄🙄🤣🤣 also the point is that it might just be a toddler class but OP’s DH was keen for the child to do it and agreed it was a good idea and now can’t seem to get a child up, a piece of toast down them and get them dressed and out in what, two hours, if they get up about 7.30am it leaves over two hours to do This!! What is he gonna do when the kid starts school? Just decide not to go because he takes a while to put his shoes on?

Blueeyedgirl21 · 23/01/2023 22:08

@Skinnermarink I’m with you, love all the toddler parents on here who suggest playing in the garden, a long bubble bath with toys, baking etc with a toddler. We don’t all live in a suburban semi with a massive kitchen to stand your toddler at the kitchen island to bake and spread crap around everywhere, we don’t all have a playroom, or a garden with a swing and football net! I don’t actually have a bath and a woman at a playgroup the other week was horrified when I mentioned I’d showered my 7 month old that morning - ‘what do you do if water goes on her face?!!’ Errr…. Nothing 🤣

smellyshoes81 · 23/01/2023 22:11

Needmorelego · 23/01/2023 14:41

@Skinnermarink well yes all toddlers are different. Mine was quite happy on a cold winters day to be indoors doing Duplo, playing with cars, playdoh, random mess with crayons, sitting and listening to stories, dancing around to music, playing with trains and the 1001 other things that toddlers like.
If the Dad is doing that with his son then surely that's just as good as going to an organised activity?

@Needmorelego Mine is like this too! We take her out to places all weekend and she goes to nursery 3.5 days a week. On the days she’s at home with me in this cold weather, she’s happy to be at home relaxing and having lots of snuggles. I agree, lots of things to do at home. Just have to use your imagination a bit

Blueeyedgirl21 · 23/01/2023 22:14

@smellyshoes81 don’t think anyone’s disputing you can have fun at home with a toddler. What I think OP’s issue is that her husband wanted to take the child to a class, asked her to book and pay for it then 3 weeks in a row hasn’t gone because they’ve not left the house in any sort of time to get there

OP’s dh could look after the child 5 days a week and never take him out the house if OP and the child are happy who cares. It’s the inability to leave the house that would piss me off, it’s not that hard

Parentandteacher · 23/01/2023 22:17

I have sympathy with both of you. Of course he should be able to. He absolutely should. On the other hand, I remember cancelling gymnastics because I kept being late and getting my two toddler kids there on time seemed impossible. My eldest turned out to be autistic so the sensory struggles with clothes and shoes plus meltdowns make sense now.

Swimming might be a good option or just going to play at a play park. There’s a bit of research that measured children’s activity in a sports class versus in free play and found children in free play moved around more.

Isthisexpected · 23/01/2023 22:19

Unless he's late for work everyday then he's played you here. You've had a discussion about how diddums can't get it together? I just don't get it.

Abouttimemum · 23/01/2023 22:19

God I’m late for everything, usually end up going for a bike ride or to the park instead where I don’t need to be there for a certain time.

Not sure where people managed to get a child that would not go feral if they were stuck indoors all day from but I’m pretty jealous 😂

Dinodelight · 23/01/2023 22:19

I quite often sit down with DD and think I really can’t be arsed to run around and get ready for our toddler classes, then I remember how much fun she has there and I pull myself together! Your DH is being a twit!

Delladon · 23/01/2023 22:22

The only way to solve this is with kindness and teamwork. Saying someone is just useless is so unhelpful. It's frustrating, sure, but it doesn't make someone want to try harder at something. None of us are perfect and I guarantee there's things you do that might make his eyes roll. I always try and keep this in mind when I get annoyed with my DH.
Have a conversation about what specifically is the problem. Toddlers and young children can be a menace to get ready and out of the house, they can behave very differently with each adult they interact with. Maybe your DH is underestimating how long it takes to prepare and get ready. I can sympathise as I really struggle myself. I get bags and supplies ready the night before now to help me. Come up with a plan together. Can he set timers off to remind him to start getting ready to go? I much prefer morning sessions to afternoons as it's the focus for the morning. It's really easy to get involved in something during the day and lose track of time.

Summerfun54321 · 23/01/2023 22:23

If your DH got something social himself out of going to the class then he would probably be more motivated to go. I dropped classes pretty quickly if I didn't enjoy spending time with the other parents there. If the other parents are a bunch of mums that your DH has zero in common with then I wouldn't give him a hard time over this. My DH really enjoyed taking DC to the park or swimming, activities that were less structured and not just full of mums.

Skinnermarink · 23/01/2023 22:25

Blueeyedgirl21 · 23/01/2023 22:08

@Skinnermarink I’m with you, love all the toddler parents on here who suggest playing in the garden, a long bubble bath with toys, baking etc with a toddler. We don’t all live in a suburban semi with a massive kitchen to stand your toddler at the kitchen island to bake and spread crap around everywhere, we don’t all have a playroom, or a garden with a swing and football net! I don’t actually have a bath and a woman at a playgroup the other week was horrified when I mentioned I’d showered my 7 month old that morning - ‘what do you do if water goes on her face?!!’ Errr…. Nothing 🤣

Ha!! Exactly. Plus I love hearing about all these wonderful toddlers who will sit for hours with a lump of play dough or carefully craft a lovely picture. No amount of ‘just having a bit of imagination’ would keep mine engaged in either for more than 20 seconds. He’s not that kind of toddler 🤷🏻‍♀️ maybe at some point he will be but for now he’s rather lob himself from the sofa or try and climb on to the washing machine or stick his hands in the toilet. We counteract this with toddler groups and huge runs in open spaces or climbing in the woods. It is really the only way to a) keep my flat intact b) keep my sanity c) burn off some of his boundless energy. In another life he’d be a working springer spaniel.

We don’t have a bath either 🤣

LunaNova · 23/01/2023 22:28

I can see why this would be frustrating as I am a "aim to get somewhere early because on time is late" kind of person but I have learnt that sometimes I have to let things go as not everyone is the same.

My DH sometimes can't seem to gauge things like this either, and it's not that he doesn't give himself plenty of time, it's just he doesn't give enough because he thinks he can do it quicker.

So for example a typical day- if I'm getting DD ready for the childminders, I'm up and myself ready an hour before we need to leave, this gives me 30 mins to wrestle clothes onto the little beast and then I aim to have her eating breakfast (which DH prepares) 20 mins before she needs to be in the car (which is 10 mins before we actually need to leave so I have some leeway in case she grows 12 arms trying to get her in the carseat).

If we reverse the roles on a normal day, DH can get DD dressed in like 10 mins because she's obviously an angel for him. He typically looks at me like he's some parenting god and obviously has it all worked out 🤣.

Then ... If I'm not there at all. He gets the full little beast experience and his cocky self has only allocated 15 mins to dressing means suddenly his timetable has gone to absolute shit and he's running behind. He's never actually been late for anything yet but he's cut it fine a few times!

Personally, if I was in your position I'd say "DH, do you actually want to go to this club? No judgement if not, I'll cancel it". If he insists he wants to go I'd remind him of the importance of factoring in some "little beast" time when getting DS ready and aim to be leaving 15 mins before he actually needs to (because obviously as soon as you've got coats and hats and gloves on, little beasts always need the toilet 😂)

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 23/01/2023 22:28

Alexa is your DH friend. He can set up timers to remind him. If you allow this nonsense now it will continue, (look up learned incompetence).