Suggesting ears pinned back for teenager that hasn’t actually asked for surgery?

[Tmoto]

14 yo ds. I know other kids comment as he has said they do. And my other dc have told me they have heard the comments. He seem relatively unbothered by it and shakes it off I think. But I still wonder if I should suggest surgery is an option. I believe it is relatively easy surgery and doing searches on mumsnet previous searches seem to always encourage it and say definitively do it it so worth it etc. if he was to ask me I would support his decision. But I am tending to not say anything unless he suggests it. Do you think this is the right approach? He is the sort of kid who doesn’t ask for things and I don’t want him suffering in silence.

I wish my mum had spoken to me about the surgery. I waited until I was 18 and paid for it myself.

OP how would you feel if your husband said he would pay for liposuction on your tummy, but not to worry if you don't want it, he still loves you as you are?

It’s a fair analogy bluebooh I am probably going to do nothing

Is he aware that surgery is an option ?

I lived through my teens and into my twenties with a whole host of image paranoias. Spots, excess hair, big nose. Noone looking from the outside would have realised I was so self conscious. I'd have killed for my mum to find out if I wanted something done about it.

Difficult one OP. If he’s not self conscious and you bring it up, then yes, he might become self-conscious about them. Maybe he hates his ears and does not know how to raise it with you. The fact that you overheard him talking to his brother as recently as yesterday might give you an opening as in ‘I overheard your conversation with x yesterday about your ears. We don’t see anything wrong with your ears but are you self conscious about them’ … whatever. And take it from there.

Here’s my story. Mine stuck out really badly. I hated them. Had my hair long. By the time I was an adult, if I was outside I always walked looking down at the ground so as my hair wouldn’t blow back allowing others to see. I felt I missed out as a child not being able to tie my hair back like my friends because it would show my horrible ears for what they were. My parents never mentioned them, never suggested surgery. A friend in primary once did but that she heard of someone who had the surgery and ended up brain damaged!! Well, that surely put me off mentioning it. My cousin had their ears done as a child. Lucky them! Finally, at the grand old age of 30 I had them done privately. Best thing I ever did. For me, it was liberating. I can have my hair in a pony tail now, I can have a pixie cut, whatever. I took a week max off work - went back once the bandages were off and it wasn’t longer than that. I think I then had a band or dressing to wear at night to protect them. They were tender to lie on for a long time but I soon learned to position my head differently on the pillow. The pain was not excruciating - I don’t recall anything more than discomfort.

It’s a really difficult subject for you to broach and only you know your son well enough to judge how to do that but if you think he is bothered by them, bide your time and have a chat. Summer holidays would be great timing for an op like this.

Such a delicate one OP. To add my own experience. My ears stick out and I honestly think it hugely affected me until just a few years ago and I’m now in my mid 40s. I completely relate to how you felt @Onceinbluemoon . I even remember sleeping with my duvet pulled over my ears at a sleep over at my best friend’s house because I didn’t want her to see them. If my parents had mentioned in passing there was an operation that existed to have ears pinned, I would have begged them for it and I think it would have had a big impact on my confidence as a teen and 20 something. I wasn’t actually bullied that I remember, and I couldn’t care less now. Although saying that, if someone offered me the op for free tomorrow, I’d take it.

It is a very delicate balance with how you bring it up, but I like what a PP said, that next time you hear him talking about being teased perhaps you could say that you love his ears, and ask, does he? Then see where the conversation leads and drop in the option of an op if it feels appropriate.

I’d casually mention it and let him know he’s welcome to have it done if he wanted.

I 'encouraged' my daughter to have it done around 10 years old. It was done at local hospital under a GA. I would say quite brutal to do under a local. Anyway they made a mess of it, overcorrecting on one side. At that time you had to wear a pressure bandage for around a week. It fell off. She had to go to a specialist cosmetic surgery hospital for them to try to sort. They did the best they could but her ear is just not right. I wish I had left it.

Thanks thistlelass I appreciate you passing on your experience. That doesn’t sound very good. It’s hard to make these decisions for our children isn’t it

My ears stuck out when I was around that age but they flattened on their own.

If he isn't bothered about it (good for him!) then don't give him a complex where there doesn't need to be one. He'll be 18 in a few years and can make these decisions for himself.

This is not the same thing at all! 🤦🏻‍♀️

I had mine done as a teenager and I’m so glad I had them done. My brother’s ears also stick out but he chose not to get the op and he since grew into his ears. They’re nowhere near as noticeable now. There are ways to bring it up gently, but I did find it painful while recovering. I wouldn’t recommend having it done under local. It’s more brutal than you think. However I never had any regrets.

What was the outcome @Tmoto ?