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Original poster

Suggesting ears pinned back for teenager that hasn’t actually asked for surgery?

114 replies

Tmoto · 20/01/2023 22:28

14 yo ds. I know other kids comment as he has said they do. And my other dc have told me they have heard the comments. He seem relatively unbothered by it and shakes it off I think. But I still wonder if I should suggest surgery is an option. I believe it is relatively easy surgery and doing searches on mumsnet previous searches seem to always encourage it and say definitively do it it so worth it etc. if he was to ask me I would support his decision. But I am tending to not say anything unless he suggests it. Do you think this is the right approach? He is the sort of kid who doesn’t ask for things and I don’t want him suffering in silence.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 21/01/2023 04:42

I got teased at school because of the shape of my nose. My nose is fine, and I am perfectly happy with it. If I hadn't been teased about that, it would have been something else.

I would have been beyond devasted if my Mum had suggested a nose job to me. I would never have forgiven her

Original poster
Tmoto · 21/01/2023 04:47

Yes I fear at the moment he actually thinks his ears are fine and although he doesn’t like the comments I am not sure he dislikes them enough to get surgery. And once I suggest it it’s like saying I also don’t like them

OP posts:
EllieM27 · 21/01/2023 05:42

I would just be casual about it but do give him the option in case he doesn’t know it’s possible or doesn’t know that you’d allow it. Perhaps find a page with before/after pictures on a tablet and hold it up in passing with a casual “Is this something you’d want done? We can do it if you’d like but it’s up to you.” That way he knows that it’s open to him but also that you aren’t fussed one way or the other.

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14 year olds Children's health Families General health
SilentNightDancer · 21/01/2023 06:10

Yes.

And if you have a fourteen year old girl with small breasts and chubby thighs, you should definitely suggest liposuction and a boob job. 🙄

Oblomov22 · 21/01/2023 06:20

Please at least talk to him, offer him it as an option. If he doesn't want it, that's fine. But if he doesn't know then that's a shame. It's a minor procedure, like having braces. Why would you not? If you wanted to.

kateluvscats · 21/01/2023 06:20

DaVariance · 21/01/2023 02:05

Getting your ears pinned back is completely normal and expected if they stick out

It's free from n the NHS for kids

Not anymore, I had to pay private for my daughter.

Artichokepiglet · 21/01/2023 06:20

Unless he starts to express that he's unhappy about his ears I really wouldn't bring it up. If you suggest they could be fixed, it will seem like you also think there's something wrong with them.

kateluvscats · 21/01/2023 06:21

My daughter 14yrs had it, went to Leeds Bupa, very efficient and straight forward process. Daughter very happy.

3luckystars · 21/01/2023 06:23

He could get it done over the summer and nobody would even know. Good luck navigating it though!!

IneedsomeSleeppleasenow · 21/01/2023 06:40

I had mine done when I was 11 (20 years ago). I mentioned my ears to parents as I was starting to get comments. Parents looked in to surgery and asked me if I wanted it, they didn't push me they just explained it was an option. I'm so glad I had it done when I did, it was under general anesthetic however was free on nhs back then. I think the comments and bullying would have become worse through secondary school and I was already a very self concious /shy child. I would say if he's not bothered about it as a teenager maybe he will never be but its worth mentioning as an option I think.

tara66 · 21/01/2023 06:45

A plastic surgeon told me it was a very painful operation.

Sirzy · 21/01/2023 06:49

i can’t see anyone doing it under local and I think your underplaying the operation itself.

by choice I had my ears pinned back at the age of 10, I have never regretted it but I’m glad it was my choice (obviously supported massively by my parents at that age)

as much as I don’t regret it I still remember how painful it was afterwards and how uncomfortable the bandages where. For six weeks after the initial bandages came off they had to be bandaged at night to protect them while the new folds fully healed.

at 14 let him fully lead any discussion about whether it should be looked into. It’s his body and if you start telling him you think parts of him need fixing that risks being a dangerous message even if meant with love.

Sirzy · 21/01/2023 06:51

Tmoto · 21/01/2023 04:47

Yes I fear at the moment he actually thinks his ears are fine and although he doesn’t like the comments I am not sure he dislikes them enough to get surgery. And once I suggest it it’s like saying I also don’t like them

Why do you fear that he thinks his ears are fine? Surely that’s a good thing that he isn’t overly bothered. “Fine” is a very subjective thing don’t forget

MarshaBradyo · 21/01/2023 06:53

kateluvscats · 21/01/2023 06:20

Not anymore, I had to pay private for my daughter.

Show quote history

I’d be surprised if NHS covers it. Seems something parents should pay for.

op if he mentions it again then you could say do you want to change it

FairyBatman · 21/01/2023 06:58

If you don’t want to suggest that it bothers you then I’d wait until he mentions it again, and raise it casually in response to that. “If the comments bother you it’s quite an easy thing to have changed?” and then completely leave it percolate. I bet he’ll come back and raise it a few weeks later.

Headoutofplace · 21/01/2023 06:59

I think it's an awful idea unless his ear shape was affecting his hearing. I've always had sticking out ears, yes I was bullied for it at school but I was also bullied for being too thin, being too fat (both when I was at the same size, work that one out!), wearing glasses and I'm sure other things too, bullies will bully. Braces are different, crooked teeth can affect your health.

Obviously bullying bothered me at the time but as an adult I can see those kids were pricks and it was them that were the problem, not me. If my parents had got cosmetic surgery for me I think it would have sent a strong message that I needed to be 'put right' and I was the problem all along.

Fam23 · 21/01/2023 07:02

Absolutely do not say anything unless he brings it up.
I had my ears pinned back when I was 12 and that was through me saying to my parents that they bothered me and the comments were bothering me too. They didn’t ever say anything to me about it and I think if they had then it would have made me feel even worse thinking that my parents thought the same of me as the bullies!

Talapia · 21/01/2023 07:04

It's not readily available on the NHS now as it's cosmetic and would be considered on a case by case basis.

One of my DC has a facial disfigurement (acquired as a young child ) which could not be operated on until a certain age. DC weighed up the pros and cons and decided that surgery wasn't worth the risk and they were happy as they are. The door is always open for them to ask for the surgery, which in their case will only partially solve the issue but I know the cae would need to be assessed. DC surgeon would be able to argue the case as it can affect breathing but if it were purely a cosmetic procedure it would be much harder to be treated on the NHS.

It's a difficult one as you don't want to make him feel uncomfortable about himself. I have a severe overbite and wish my parents had acted on it. However, a GA does carry risks so it's a lot to weigh up.

BubziOwl · 21/01/2023 07:14

My mum asked me if I wanted to cosmetically fix something about myself when I was a young teen, all it did was give me an insecurity about something I didn't care about before 🤷‍♀️ I'm surprised with the comments saying this would be fine as everyone who I've ever told my anecdote too says how wrong it is for a mother to say that. In my case, my mum was truly coming from a good place (as is OP I'm sure) as she'd had the same issue 'fixed' when she was 18. But it still didn't make it any less upsetting!!

If your concern is that he doesn't know surgery is an option, you can surely find a way to bring it up without mentioning him specifically? Pretend someone you vaguely know/someone you've made up is having it done. Maybe your work is really busy because someone is having time off to get it done and so you're short staffed. I don't know. But I really wouldn't ask him directly.

Mumsfret1976 · 21/01/2023 07:27

Yes mention it. I HATED my teeth growing up, absolutely hated them. I never once mentioned it to my parents, I actually felt too self conscious to even talk about it. I finally had braces when I was 30.

Dibbydoos · 21/01/2023 07:33

Ask him, research it together, see what the operation involves - you tube may even show an animated video of what happens.

Use hospital with few if any mrsa incidents.

KangarooKenny · 21/01/2023 07:33

I just said to my DS that we could do it if he wanted, and left it at that. But my DS never took us up on it.

Vegetablesupreme · 21/01/2023 07:51

I had a large, lumpy mole on my chin as a child. I wasn't bothered about it then but my mum made the decision to have it removed when I was about 11.
To this day I am so grateful to her because I know as I became a teenager and got older I would have been really self conscious of it.
Maybe have a very gentle conversation with him about it and explain that there is a procedure available should he ever want it.

Orangello · 21/01/2023 07:57

I did, my son said also kids were commenting. So I told him that while we are all different and his ears are beautiful, it's his body and if they really bother him, there are options.
He doesn't seem to be damaged by this.

Andrelaxzzz · 21/01/2023 08:01

Dss has sticking out ears. We couldn't decide like you as did not want to upset his feelings I bring it up. As an adult he has now expressed a wish that had had it done as he now wants to have it done and it costs lots of money I wish we could afford to help him but can't.