Crying my eyes out.

[Rachell1]

Probably heightened by the hormonal changes tbf (heavily pregnant) but I am so so upset and just feel like a useless mum.

Yesterday I posted a thread asking everyone what they do with their toddlers all day (DS is 2 years old) as I struggle to fill the day with fun things for him.

I admit I have been very slack re the playground and playgroup visits etc because he tends to catch everything going when around other kids (as do I) and after three tummy bugs last year I kinda gave up.

Now being heavily pregnant I struggle to find much energy at all tbh.

But all of the responses were so…. Organised and regimental and everyone seems to make SUCH an effort with their toddlers (playing trains, building blocks, going to groups, painting, baking etc). I just don’t do this.. I want the best for him but at the same time I can’t imagine the amount of mess baking and painting with my 2 year old would cause!!

I did take him out this morning on the bus just to town to run some errands. Right now he is bored out of his mind again, doesnt play with his toys unless I play with him but I still need to make dinner which is going to take a bit of time tonight. He will just hover whilst I make dinner/get everything out of the cupboards/climb on kitchen table so I will be feeling as though I’m constantly saying ‘no’ and taking things away from him which I hate because he gets upset.
Oh
I want the best for him, I think I need to make more of an effort but sometimes it can feel lonely and when I see him bored it makes me so sad and stressed. I downloaded peanut as I have no mum friends but so far no responses on there. Perhaps a mum friend would help…

I understand it's difficult when you're heavily pregnant....but prior to that,I don't understand why you wouldn't take your toddler out because of germs and bugs? It's really important that they get outside, exercise and play and have a run round. Not having a go at you as I know toddlers are hard work!

One good activity if you're at home and your toddler is bored...run a bath, fill with toys or plastic bowls and jugs and just let him just splash around. Make yourself comfy by the side of the bath!

With the dinner...give him a plastic bowl and a wooden spoon and let him play with that while you prep dinner.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m also heavily pregnant with a toddler and he is having far too much screen time at the moment as it’s the only way I can get through the day sometimes. Remember it’s not forever.
We still do a couple of things through the week to break it up so swimming lessons, stay and play and this morning I took him to a soft play but that really was exhausting climbing through everything with him when so heavily pregnant!
Could you find a local stay and play group and do that once a week just to get you both out as it really does help you feel better even if it seems a huge effort at the time. I’ve met a couple of other mums through these sort of things and found that much easier than connecting with other mums on the peanut app.

I have to admit we don’t do any baking or messy activities at home at the moment either. You forget how difficult being heavily pregnant is so cut yourself some slack. You’re doing the best you can I’m sure and the fact that you’re worried about it speaks volumes. He won’t remember these few weeks you weren’t up to doing much and there will be far more opportunities to get out and about once you’ve had the baby and the days are warmer/lighter.

Hi OP. Don't be too hard on yourself and focus on one thing at a time. Does he have screen time ? If so, give him a tablet with his favourite movie/programme on so that keeps him entertained while you make dinner. Or if not, give him some blocks or whatever he likes to play with and make him sit where you can see him while he plays. In terms of the getting out, you are heavily pregnant so that can be a lot. I know it's cold but have you got a park near you??? Take him to the park tomorrow for a hour or so and let him run about. Take him to a kid friendly cafe, during the week, with some colouring pencils and paper. Let him colour while you eat. Just a change of atmosphere. You don't have to go out everyday either, don't feel pressure to do that. An old bed sheet and some finger painting will entertain him for a while. If you're not keen on soft play, join Facebook and join a parenting group in your area. I'm sure they are many mums that would do play dates with you, just so he can have some interaction with some other children. My DD is six now and some days I didn't do much with her either and I would feel guilty. It's not harmed her though. She's fine and in school now, where she gets plenty of social interaction with other kids.

It's quite emotional for me to read this as I'm at the other end of motherhood now, and have been crying today because I miss the stage you are at now.

I appreciate how hard it is, but I miss those days so much (my eldest son, now a young adult is sadly not in a good place right now) and as with your pregnancy hormones I don't think my perimenopause hormones are helping!

Life has a strange way of throwing these emotions at us.
Just know that you are doing fine, and I promise you will look back on this time and be blessed with happy memories despite it being tough at times.

I promise you, you are not a useless mum, and with the right support you will get through this and things will get easier.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Put him in the bath with lots of little cups and sponges and sit beside him.

Tell Alexa to play kiss party songs and turn it up and dance around or let him dance around.

Nothing wrong with sticking a Disney film on or whatever.

Go out to a cafe with some colouring.

Decorate biscuits (buy them don't bake them 🤣)

When I cook dinner I put dd (19 months) in the highchair and start off with play doh, and then when that loses appeal I put peppa pig on. Am I going to win any top parenting awards for that? No. Does it allow me to get things done without constant interruptions and stopping dangerous/inappropriate activities? Yes.

There will always be those who manage effortlessly (I'm in 3rd trimester and not much energy) at all times, but plenty of parents who rely on 20 mins of peppa to get shit done and that's OK too

What about nursery? He will have access to structure, games, will develop his social skills and boost his immunity, and you don’t have to plan anything.

OP, please also keep in mind that a lot of people tell a lot of fibs on here. I’ve got 4, all under 7. I take my 2 year old and the baby to a music club most weeks, soft play probably once or twice a month, dog walks a few times a week, swimming once a week, friends round for coffee once a week and the rest of the time they watch telly or play together (I use that term loosely!) while I clean, tidy and run errands. It’s fine and they are fine. There is so much fuss and emphasis on organised activities when half the time my two year old would rather get his toy cars and drive them all over the playroom and sofa. Please be kinder to yourself x

I saw your other thread but didnt really read it.
Can you afford a nursery for a couple of days a week to give you some time, this might give you the incentive to do more on days he's at home.
With toddlers, especially if closer to 2 than 3, its all about physical activity. Structured activities like baking can be a bit pointless with the younger more boisterous ones.
Swimming isnt too bad, as they like to splash and kick but you dont have to do much but hold them in a pool.
Why dont you want to do play groups/ park trips- sickness is inevitable with kids but never a reason to coup up at home.

Kids need to learn to entertain themselves a bit at some point. I'm not saying ignore him for hours but he should be able to sit and play or draw for a few mins without supervision.

When you're cooking give him some crayons and paper to sit at the kitchen table and draw with while you cook, or as another poster said, give him some plastic bowls and wooden spoons and let him play. If you've got little food shaped toys all the better but if not give him a few pieces of dried pasta (nothing that he can make too much of a mess with).

Bless you, don't beat yourself up 😘
I have to put Super simple songs on YouTube on the TV to get anything done, I also had to download Baby games off the App Store and I give him my phone (although it's actually educational as its do do with shapes, colours etc)
I was always that person who^^ said they'd never introduce TV or technology blah blah. But you know what. We're in a technological era now and if it helps you get things done (as long as they're not having hours on end with it) then so be it. When we were kids we would play in the mud and colour etc because we didn't have technology but I know if we did then I'd also be ok it whilst my DM got chores done etc.
My DS also likes me to play with his toys with him, but things I can leave him with to play alone with for a short while other than tv/my phone are:

• ball pit
• stickle bricks
• paw patrol figures
• blocks
• shape sorter drum thing which plays music
• Cocomelon magazine with stickers (although I find stickers in random places around the house for days afterwards)

I'm sure there's more but I just can't think on the spot I've never baked with him I think he's too young yet (22mo)

I have done painting before now but yes it's messy and more often than not I forget about it.

Get a chalk board it's much less messier

Good luck for the arrival of your new baby xx

Don't be hard on yourself.
I didn't post yesterday because i always find everyone says how much they do with their dcs but everyones circumstances are different.

YES we go to parks, farms, shops, pudfle jumping, play groups, soft play etc
BUT not everyday. Far from it.
I have 1 or 2 days when the house needs to be sorted. 5 beds to strip and wash, dry, re make and stuff takes forever. On top of general house stuff.
Wfh with 2yr old around. He often has ti entertain himself and play or even screen time on a tablet.
No one is perfect.

How would making a plan not set in stone plan but say ok so 5 weekday to fill.
Library Monday. Home read books.
Print a ' scavenger hunt' twig, leaf, stone etc. There's loads of downloads.

Tuesday park. Let him walk takes longer and more fun. (if he likes that)

Wed housework

Thurs play group or similar

. Fri shops? Maybe choose a small treat or something?

I must admit i do avoid a grocery shop as dc hates the trolley. But will happily go to get a few bits and when starts kicking off i say 'uh oh i cant find bread quick help me or bananas or chocolate or whatever

Please don't beat yourself up. Its also really really cold

Fwiw.
I rarely do playdoh. He does that at pre school.
We color often or sticker books from poundland (that can be a trip out)

paint only in the garden in nicer weather.

Your better than me. I let my eldest play with her favourite kitchen based toy while I'm cooking which at the moment is a box of paxo stuffing. Before that it was a packet of angel delight.

feeling as though I’m constantly saying ‘no’ and taking things away from him

You shouldn’t have to be saying “no”. Toddlers don’t really understand “no”; it’s frustrating for them and you. You need to create a yes environment - give him something to do, even if it’s just a mixing bowl and some water.

You can’t not do anything with your toddler because you don’t want to make mess or catch any germs (which are good for the immune system).

Don’t feel bad. Honestly all these things people do… my dd goes to nursery 2 days and they do all sorts with her there. She spends a day with my sister who’s had 3 kids all 9+ now and they normally do a day of supermarket trip, school run, coffee at costa, back home to potter with some toys for an hour, school run again! Hardly award winning activities but she’s always knackered and had a great time 🤣 people might claim to do all sorts and be on the park riding balance bikes at 7am followed by swimming, followed by baking quinoa cupcakes, then Spanish class then a home made organic meal from scratch … in reality they might do that one day a week or two but no one does it every single day. Honestly even if someone told me they do I wouldn’t believe them! You’re doing well being pregnant and dealing with a 2 year old!! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with putting him in a child proof space whilst you have a brew and a sit and he can entertain himself, even a bit of time with tv on and a few toys. Unstructured time is absolutely fine and never feel bad. He’ll be in school with a routine and the whole curriculum to learn soon enough.

one thing I would say - why is dinner taking so long? Can you massively pare down what you’re doing for dinners? Can your partner cook at least two nights ? Slow cooker chilli, spag bol, stew one or two nights? Maybe batch cook some stuff one weekend whilst dad takes the toddler out ? Jacket spud cheese and beans is a perfectly acceptable dinner if you’re stressed with the toddler messing in the kitchen. Take the stress out of it and rest by eating simply. It’s not forever!

I think this is a bit of a relentless age. DH was a SAHD at this point and honestly, I was in awe of how he was able and willing to play with DS so much more than I ever would have (he didn't do the cooking, shopping etc though).

I think ditching groups because of illness is pointless. You have to get all these bugs and eventually you've both had most of them and you develop immunity.

Screen time is not evil, no matter what other people try to make you feel. TV while you cook dinner is a perfectly normal thing and does no harm.

For me, I found I needed to get out the house for an activity, preferably in the morning, so I felt less guilty if there was a lot of sitting around in the afternoon. A trip to town on the bus to do some chores was frankly, perfect. DS loved it, I got stuff done, everyone got some fresh air... win. At around that age DS loved train watching - at least once every couple of weeks we'd walk up to a local bridge that goes over a railway line and just hang out waving at train drivers. Soft play or park or similar for at least a couple o hours would buy an hour of chill time. DD, amusingly, saw this as so crucial that after her sports group she used to insist on returning to her bed with an iPad for 20 minutes then would pop up saying, "I feel better now".

At home, handing him crayons and paper and telling him to draw by himself for 20 minutes is doable. agree with others - baths don't have to be quick. An hour in the bath while you're parked next to him, half playing and half scrolling twitter is great for everyone if you have enough bath toys.

Re screen time, I was reading a picture book with dd today and it referred to ‘meme cat’ in a rhyme about cats. These kids are living in the future and are gonna need to be basically doing everything via a screen so I don’t think you should necessarily keep them away like they’re some scary thing !

No no, youre doing great. Do you have a laundry drier or table? Hang a sheet over it, set up a 'tea party' (bung some soft animals in there and a bowl of rice crackers/crisps) and have him sit in there with cartoons or books. Pull the Tupperware or pans out the cupboard and let him play with. Set a challenge to get them back in again. Sit him in a cardboard box with some crayons. Basic stuff is fine if thats all you have the energy for.

I don't beleive most people have super scheduled days. I remember having endless days where I couldn't face going out and we were all still in pjs doing nothing much at all in the late afternoon. I certainly didn't tell people as I felt a bit rubbish about it but my kids are bright and engaged and happy now they are older -it really didn't cause any problems.

The biggest difference to him is just you. Not loads of activities, parks etc (as nice as they are). Try not to feel atressed and guilty, relax and accept that you cant face xyz today so youll be doing abc at home and youll be as cheerful as you can about it. Hang in there, you are doing brilliantly.

If you can find a mum friend then I think that would help you to cope so it's a good idea to be open to meeting people. Don't sweat it though, you can manage without.

Looking after a toddler when you are heavily pregnant is exhausting. Almost every afternoon once I was past 36 weeks, I would lay on the floor and close my eyes a bit while ds1 built train tracks around me.

Also colanders and duplo are great in the bath to mix things up a bit!

Oh and I had a fun pod which is like a wooden structure that lets toddlers stand at worktop height and then they can't run off they can "help" you prepare dinner or splash the water in the sink. It was a Godsend.

A) People don't necessarily tell the truth about what they're doing

B) They are likely telling you their best days - heavily pregnant with a toddler is highly unlikely to be your best day, or if it is you're a better woman than I. Baby and toddler is also tough so don't be so hard on yourself.

I find getting out a thousand times easier, so if I told you we were at the park every Saturday and Sunday you may read that as wonderful parenting but trust me it's laziness. Likewise, if you said you and your DS were playing trains I'd feel guilty because I hate stuff like that.

Mine are 4 and 2, so we did the whole covid thing in the place you find yourself. Some tips:

• online music classes. Try ragdolly annas on youtube, ours both loved this.
• Washing up - once they're tall enough to access the sink, that will kill aaaagges. We have a tripp trapp type chair so ours can get to it from there. A basin on the floor will do the same job but be slightly less contained.
• Crayola washimals are amazing - they colour the animals and then wash them in the bath. I've never known either of ours play with something so long.
• A friend used to freeze toys in ice cubes and then the kids would defrost and "rescue" them. Mine wouldn't go for that with the cold but you never know.
• If you have any outside space at all, use it just to get him a run around. Pavement chalk is great too.

But the main thing is that you are far, far, far from a useless mum.

And "No" is my favourite word when parenting!

Do you have Instagram? Follow play hooray and 5 minute mum.

I feel your pain. I found those days at home with a little one relentless

You use the word regimented like it's bad. For me, it helped a lot.

I always 'aimed' to get out of the house, every day, by 9.30am. Walk, library, garden, anything that was free in the area.

That meant I could be back for 11am for snack. It just gave me structure, which helped.

Then quiet time and lunch. Nap time. Suddenly, the day is half done.

I'd think of some activity for the afternoon.

As loads of people have said, he can 'help' with the tea. Mine used to have a pan with dried rice and a wooden spoon. They 'cooked' tea with me.

When you are playing with him, you are 'teaching' him to play. This will help him learn how to play on his own. Mine loved (and I mean loved) threading pasta on a piece of wool with a bit of sellotape on the end.

When they were a little older, I would get them to colour in the pasta. It's not big massive, instagram worthy activities, it's little ones that help the day go quicker. If I was cleaning, my little one had a tiny broom and I would ask her to clean up something I had already put on the floor with the broom. We had some chunky wooden bead things that she liked tidying up.

Sometimes, having something planned in advance helped. Also- a 50p pot of bubbles was always popular. 20 mins frantically popping bubbles = very tired child.

When I changed the bed, I would pretend the sheets were too heavy and I needed them to help me carry them. That resulted in at least 8 trips to the washing basket, carrying super heavy sheets and pillowcases while I was actually changing the bed. Again, nobody writes about these boring things on Insta/Mumsnet but with a little planning, it can help.

And if I was too tired, that was fine as well. It just meant that gradually, I built up a bank of things I could think of doing with my toddler.