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Original poster

Separate bedrooms and a happy marriage

91 replies

2021s · 11/01/2023 10:59

Currently I share I room with DH but I really miss having my own space. We live differently- he is messy and I like to be tidy. We have a spare room and I would like to make it into my bedroom. A lovely space for me to relax in. He also snores and regularly disrupts my sleep so I do crave a quiet night. He thinks that it’s a bad idea to have a room each. He loves sharing a room with me. Does anyone have separate bedrooms and still have a great marriage and relationship? We have been together for 17 years, two teenagers, happy normal life really though sex life could be better.

OP posts:
PenanceAdair · 11/01/2023 11:09

Having separate bedrooms is a life and marriage saver when being in the same room is negatively affecting one or both people. That is if you have spare rooms.

I'm afraid he doesn't get to decide when you are the one being negatively affected.

It would help your sanity even if it's just to have a space to retreat to once his sleep and living patterns start to affect the "being together" part of your lives at night. It's not as if he's up all night "being together" with you. You can each still share some intimacy in either room.

RagzRebooted · 11/01/2023 11:13

DH sleeps on the sofa. He has done for most of our marriage, he just can't settle/sleep when sharing a bed. It annoys me and I am sure we'd have sex more if he was in bed with me, but I understand his sleep is more important than my feelings. It's been so long that when we do have to share (guests or on holiday) I find it hard to sleep with him in the bed. Also, with just me there's more room for cats!

I'm future, if we had the space I could see us having separate rooms.

Defender90 · 11/01/2023 11:14

Do it!

DH is early to bed and an early riser, I'm always later to bed and I snore.

I was really upset at the thought of separate rooms when we first discussed it but it's been an win for us, we both get the sleep pattern that suits us and are in much better moods because of it.

Original poster
2021s · 11/01/2023 11:29

Thank you for responses. Glad to hear it works well for some people. Do you think the children would think it was weird if I moved out of the “parent” bedroom?

OP posts:
DeeplyMovingExperience · 11/01/2023 11:33

Having my own bedroom is a godsend. We shared for years until I just couldn't stand the snoring any longer. DH was very against it (that thing almost like it's a man's right to sleep in the same bed as his wife), but I put him straight and said it's all very well for him - he's not the one having a shit night's sleep all the time.

Anyway, it's worked out very well and we both love having our own space. Having my own room is FANTASTIC and I love it. (Am currently redecorating the whole room in pink!)

MaverickGooseGoose · 11/01/2023 11:35

We have separate bedrooms and I bloody love it, would never go back to sharing. We both snore and he fidgets like mad and liked to sleep with his arm under my pillow which drove me mad.

Baconand · 11/01/2023 11:35

10 years married here, separate bedrooms from day 1. Me and the cats (and DD occasionally), DH on his own with a ridiculously heavy duvet and the windows open.
I don’t do sharing with men, animals and children are fine. We’d have divorced if we had to share!

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 11/01/2023 11:52

We have separate rooms and it works well. The older he got the louder his snoring got, so I sleep much better in a room on my own.

PenanceAdair · 11/01/2023 12:46

The children may find it weird at first because it isn't what they're used to. But they'd get used to it after a while or once you let them know it's one of the many ways people live. There can be 2 parent bedrooms and it's normal too.

gamerchick · 11/01/2023 12:49

I wouldn't go back me. Love having my own room.

Fuck what they think, they're not the ones getting a shit nights sleep are they? Irritates me when people go on like that.

Thursa · 11/01/2023 12:57

We have separate bedrooms now. He’s a shift worker and I have awful insomnia. It’s the best way for us to get rest.

Abracadabra12345 · 11/01/2023 13:01

I’d adore separate rooms for many of the reasons others have said but my DH feels very strongly about it and it’s non-negotiable, it would upset him too much to push it. If he’s coughing or unable to sleep and disturbing me, he does move into a spare bedroom

gjkufbb · 11/01/2023 13:01

Yep have my own room. It's the only thing that keeps me sane tbh. Everyone needs their own space. Dh's snoring made me resent him so much. We are much happier now we both sleep well

HangoverSquare · 11/01/2023 13:04

Sharing a bed with a snorer is torture.

Do it.

I'm sure lots of couples would jump at the chance of separate rooms if their house size permitted it.

MagnoliaMix · 11/01/2023 13:05

Separate bedrooms were the start of the end of my marriage. Mind you, the separate bedrooms were a symptom, not a cause. But they deepened the division and the distance from each other.

SalviaOfficinalis · 11/01/2023 13:09

We don’t have “separate rooms” as such, but DH often sleeps in the spare room. So I suppose “our” bedroom is predominantly “my” bedroom.

Sometimes he snores, sometimes we both just want space to toss and turn. More sleep = more happiness. We’re both very happy with the arrangement.

I suppose the distinction is whether you enjoy each other’s company but just like some space too, or whether you can’t stand to be around him.

RosettaTheGardenFairy · 11/01/2023 13:10

My husband also snores, and I'm a very light, restless sleeper so we've been in separate bedrooms our entire relationship. Works great for us, each have our own space etc., and we send each other flirty WhatsApps when we want the other one to come join us for some couple time. It can work really well if it's for the right reasons and works for both of you.

PenanceAdair · 11/01/2023 13:11

Abracadabra12345 · 11/01/2023 13:01

I’d adore separate rooms for many of the reasons others have said but my DH feels very strongly about it and it’s non-negotiable, it would upset him too much to push it. If he’s coughing or unable to sleep and disturbing me, he does move into a spare bedroom

That's essentially the point of a separate bedroom so it seems you both are already doing it without officially making the spare room a separate bedroom.

It would've been a unfair if he didn't think to go somewhere so you could sleep, yet insist you don't need a separate space to retreat to when you can't sleep because of him.

Essexexile · 11/01/2023 13:19

We sleep in seperate bedrooms Sun-Thursday due to DH snoring and also getting up for work very early. This works really well for us as we both get a good nights sleep and I don’t disturb him when I go to bed later than him and vice Versa when he gets up much earlier than me. We’ve been happily married 30+ years.

Newlifestartingatlast · 11/01/2023 13:22

Just one random note to those who moved separately due to snoring.
do occasionally check up on snorers sleep quality
we moved into separate bedrooms…bliss…but I missed picking up on his development of sleep apnea. But he time I realised he was very bad and had a lot of serious symptoms.

just check up from time to time on each other if you have a snorer - that’s all

Larrythellama · 11/01/2023 13:25

We’ve been married 8 years and have a 5 and 1 year old…we have a great relationship. Sometimes he sleeps in the spare room when I consleep with my oldest (don’t ask, doesn’t happen often) and also when I was co sleeping with the baby I chucked him in the spare room. Now the baby is in her own room and sleeping great, on the odd occasion he sleeps in the spare room, I get a better nights sleep 🙈, as don’t have to deal with his grunting and shuffling around. Both of us joke about it and say if you always sleep in the spare room that’s it, our marriage is a husk of what it has been 😂. But now I’m thinking why not?

Beamur · 11/01/2023 13:27

I'm the snorer! But DH kept waking me up. So we were both awake and getting more tired and cross with each other.
So I moved into the spare room and after years of rubbish sleep am finally feeling rested again.
DH doesn't like it but I was a wreck on so little sleep and lack of space.
I know lots of couples who sleep separately - people don't volunteer this information as it's private, but it's pretty common.

blesssedd · 11/01/2023 13:31

Would it do any of you admit to having separate rooms in real life?

It kind of implies there are issues in the relationship even though that absolutely is not the case in the posts described.

pawprintseverywhere · 11/01/2023 13:31

This is why our next house will be a 3 bed. So i can have my own room. I love DH and after 15yr were lucky zero martial issues, we have a 12yr old DS but my goodness sharing a bed is soul destroying. I'm not a cuddly person, he snores, and when he rolls over and hugs me in his sleep I go top tail haha I just love my own sleeping space. Dosnt mean I love him non the less and I'm sure the odd night I will still climb in with him for cuddles ect until I've had enough

Larrythellama · 11/01/2023 13:32

That’s the thing, I would never admit to it in real life as I’d worry what people would think - even though we actually have a great relationship