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Original poster

Separate bedrooms and a happy marriage

91 replies

2021s · 11/01/2023 10:59

Currently I share I room with DH but I really miss having my own space. We live differently- he is messy and I like to be tidy. We have a spare room and I would like to make it into my bedroom. A lovely space for me to relax in. He also snores and regularly disrupts my sleep so I do crave a quiet night. He thinks that it’s a bad idea to have a room each. He loves sharing a room with me. Does anyone have separate bedrooms and still have a great marriage and relationship? We have been together for 17 years, two teenagers, happy normal life really though sex life could be better.

OP posts:
SalviaOfficinalis · 11/01/2023 13:33

blesssedd · 11/01/2023 13:31

Would it do any of you admit to having separate rooms in real life?

It kind of implies there are issues in the relationship even though that absolutely is not the case in the posts described.

I admit to it.
We both just like sleeping, and sometimes it’s easier when you have a nice big bed to yourself.

No relationship issues. No storming off to the spare room, just lots of lovey solo sleeping.

Oblomov22 · 11/01/2023 13:33

Blame it on the snoring. It's easy.

IntoTheDeepDark · 11/01/2023 13:33

One of my adult kids has a separate bedroom in their house. They seem extremely happy and say they don't understand why other people don't do it. They often go to bed at different time. It suits them.

Baconand · 11/01/2023 13:34

blesssedd · 11/01/2023 13:31

Would it do any of you admit to having separate rooms in real life?

It kind of implies there are issues in the relationship even though that absolutely is not the case in the posts described.

Everyone that knows us knows we have separate rooms. I talk about it freely! Plus anyone that knows us will have seen it - mine is decorated completely differently and only has my stuff in it. DD talks about mummy's room and daddy's room too.
Nothing to fear here :)

PenanceAdair · 11/01/2023 13:39

blesssedd · 11/01/2023 13:31

Would it do any of you admit to having separate rooms in real life?

It kind of implies there are issues in the relationship even though that absolutely is not the case in the posts described.

There's no need to hide this. I think it has a stigma to some people because they believe it's the cause of a broken relationship or it will cause division but having separate spaces that you can go or not go to at any time shouldn't be the end of an otherwise happy relationship.

If anything, it strengthens it and the more people know about this non-radical way of living, the more people will have better options in their living arrangements and subsequently, a possibly better relationship (assuming personal space is the only issue they have).

RosettaTheGardenFairy · 11/01/2023 13:41

blesssedd · 11/01/2023 13:31

Would it do any of you admit to having separate rooms in real life?

It kind of implies there are issues in the relationship even though that absolutely is not the case in the posts described.

I have a colleague who couldn't understand when I said was pregnant with my 3rd, how I'd managed to get pregnant. She knew we had our own bedrooms (had recently bought a 7 bed house and she'd asked about why we needed so many bedrooms, I don't just randomly discuss sleeping arrangements at work!) but to her, separate bedrooms was a clear sign of relationship problems, she just couldn't wrap her head around it; was really funny!

PenanceAdair · 11/01/2023 13:44

Ha! I know some people who think having separate bedrooms means you're stuck in those rooms every night and could never go to each other in your rooms if you want to.

MinnieMountain · 11/01/2023 13:55

We’ve had separate bedrooms for 2 years due to my peri-menopause. It’s great. I always went to bed and got up earlier than DH anyway.

Our cleaner told me lots of her clients have separate bedrooms.

And I couldn’t give a flying fuck what other people think it implies.

Larrythellama · 11/01/2023 13:58

Another point along a similar vein, me and DH like to watch different things on TV, so a lot of evenings I go in the lounge and watch my shit and he sits in his ‘man cave’ and watches his shit, or I read a book. He pops in every so often to see what I’m doing or to tell me he’s popping out with the dogs or whatever. I actually get a bit annoyed when he comes in during Eastenders and starts asking questions! I’ve always felt uneasy about this for no reason until I was randomly chatting with a member of staff at DD nursery and she’s does the same! In laws can’t wrap their heads around this, bless them they’ve been married for ages and sit right up next to eachother watching the same thing and complaining about what they watch, even though they have 2 lounges 😂…can’t think of anything worse haha

gamerchick · 11/01/2023 13:58

blesssedd · 11/01/2023 13:31

Would it do any of you admit to having separate rooms in real life?

It kind of implies there are issues in the relationship even though that absolutely is not the case in the posts described.

Absolutely no bones in talking freely about it. It shouldn't be taboo.

You go to bed to sleep. A shit load of people sleep better on their own rather than next to another adult. There's no shame in sleeping seperating and it's fuck all to do with your relationship. You're asleep!

Also means if you're the type to like sex before sleep, you get to have it in his bed before going back to your own when you're ready. All the wins there imo.

catsandkid · 11/01/2023 14:02

Yep - we sleep apart. I suffered from insomnia for a long time, and so treasure my sleep. Part of me finally overcoming insomnia involved me sleeping alone and so now I find it hard to drop-off if DH is next to me snoring away. Meanwhile, DH hates that I nudge him when he's snoring as he says it wakes him up and he gets grumpy.

DH sleeps in our spare room (which doubles as an office), I sleep in our bedroom. We still call it our bedroom and it still contains both of our things. We tend to go up to bed together and get into (my) bed and watch TV and have a cuddle, but when its time to go to sleep DH goes to the other room.

I'm upfront about it with people in real life and apart from my parents (who say its indicative of the end of marriage //eye roll//) no one finds it odd. In fact, since mentioning it in passing to friends and family, I am now aware that 3 friends and my SIL also have the same sleeping arrangements. So it really doesn't feel that odd!

Ideally, if we move or renovate our house I'd like to add another bedroom. This could then be DH's official bedroom as I feel bad he sleeps in a spare room that is also the office. He says he genuinely doesn't mind (he could fall asleep anywhere if given a chance!) but I feel bad!

Shufflebumnessie · 11/01/2023 14:03

DH migrated in to the spare room temporarily when DD was a few months old. Her sleeping was atrocious, I was waking him up whilst sorting DD and he had to work long days.
That was 5 years ago, and he's still in there. We realised we both sleep so much better apart. He snores horrendously which disturbs me, I grind my teeth and steal the duvet (apparently!) which dives him mad!
We've been married for 15 years with 2 children and have a rock solid marriage.
The children are used to the fact that we sleep in separate rooms (DS is quite happy with that as he likes to sneak in with me during the night).

19Bears · 11/01/2023 14:15

I can see how it would save a lot of marriages. I could murder my dh every night for his snoring, taking up all the space, making the mattress dip in the middle so I'm clinging onto the edge.... so I would love a spare room to go to but as we don't have one it's lie there and hope for the best or go and sleep on the sofa. I feel as if I'm waiting all night for him to get up and go downstairs so I can have all of ten minutes comfort. Go for the spare room OP! If everything else in the relationship is good, it doesn't sound like it would create any problems, and might even increase the sex frequency when you're properly rested and not constantly annoyed. Me though, I'm sticking with the murder plan 😏

KnittedCardi · 11/01/2023 14:20

It's only whispered in close circles, but actually, I don't know anyone who sleeps in the same room with their partners! Once you start talking about it, it's very, very, common, and seems to contribute to well slept, happy couples. I thoroughly recommend.

ShrinesofGaiety · 11/01/2023 14:29

SalviaOfficinalis · 11/01/2023 13:33

I admit to it.
We both just like sleeping, and sometimes it’s easier when you have a nice big bed to yourself.

No relationship issues. No storming off to the spare room, just lots of lovey solo sleeping.

Show quote history

Same for us, married 30+ years and for past year sleep separately, life changing m, we both sleep so much better and are happier for it 🥰

UWhatNow · 11/01/2023 14:34

I know quite a few couples where the wife moved out to the guest room during menopause night sweats and insomnia etc and then never went back. They are still very happily married.

WinterFoxes · 11/01/2023 14:41

I know far too many women - mainly of my mum's generation - who had their lives ruined by exhaustion because their husbands - my dad included - refused to accept the idea of separate beds, even though their snoring kept the women awake most nights.

Don't be one of them.

DH snores very lightly and I still constantly poke him and tell him to shut it. If he got any louder, I'd switch rooms.

SingingSands · 11/01/2023 15:01

MaverickGooseGoose · 11/01/2023 11:35

We have separate bedrooms and I bloody love it, would never go back to sharing. We both snore and he fidgets like mad and liked to sleep with his arm under my pillow which drove me mad.

My DH likes to sleep with his arm on TOP of my pillow - what's that about?!

I'd love my own room, but we don't have a spare. Maybe one day <wistful sigh>

GFP · 11/01/2023 15:07

Separate rooms here, mines the en suite 🙂

I like to share the bed occasionally and I miss sometimes reading together but when we have to (visiting someone or hotels), I realise how poor my sleep is. Partly because not used to is but also I’m early to bed/early up and light sleeper, DP is the opposite and same with temperature/pillows etc. My room is always clean and tidy. I don’t clean or tidy the man cave - ever.

OhBitchPeas · 11/01/2023 15:15

DH has sleep apnea which he won't see a GP for and snores like a freaking train.

We are so much happier in separate bedrooms. He treats his room like a shed with a bed and mine is calm, serene and clean.
We have been together for 25 years, we have done all the sharing that needs to be done.
3 kids in and we need a good nights sleep!

ithoughtisawapuddycat · 11/01/2023 15:15

Different bedrooms is our life saver. DH snores, I heavy breathe. He's a light sleeper and is always very warm. I like a cold bedroom and toss and turn.

We no longer wake up tired or wanting to kill the other person.

We are lucky that we have a 3 bed house and it's just us. We both have a room that are equal sizes and both have a king size bed.

OhBitchPeas · 11/01/2023 15:16

He's a light sleeper and is always very warm. I like a cold bedroom and toss and turn.
Oh yes, that as well! I hated feeling as though I was sleeping next to a radiator!

America12 · 11/01/2023 15:42

Successful here , go for it

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 11/01/2023 15:44

We have separate rooms. It's great. I'm in meno and need loo a lot. I also toss and turn a lot.
We have a cuddle before we go separate ways and Sundays we lie in same bed together.

I love it.

As long as your both on board

America12 · 11/01/2023 15:44

blesssedd · 11/01/2023 13:31

Would it do any of you admit to having separate rooms in real life?

It kind of implies there are issues in the relationship even though that absolutely is not the case in the posts described.

I do. Most people wish they could

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