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Original poster

Separate bedrooms and a happy marriage

91 replies

2021s · 11/01/2023 10:59

Currently I share I room with DH but I really miss having my own space. We live differently- he is messy and I like to be tidy. We have a spare room and I would like to make it into my bedroom. A lovely space for me to relax in. He also snores and regularly disrupts my sleep so I do crave a quiet night. He thinks that it’s a bad idea to have a room each. He loves sharing a room with me. Does anyone have separate bedrooms and still have a great marriage and relationship? We have been together for 17 years, two teenagers, happy normal life really though sex life could be better.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 11/01/2023 15:54

I think many more couples have separate bedrooms than are commonly expected.

We have done so for the last 12 years, and it's bloody marvellous. I can't go straight to sleep as I like to read for a while, we both snore, DH likes duvet up to his nose but I can't stand that, I like space, he likes to press up against my back so I can't turn over.........

I'd have killed him if we had carried on sharing.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 11/01/2023 15:59

We are still in the intermediate stage of sharing a room but sleeping separately more nights than together. Snoring, different sleep habits, he works nights... but it has come after a mutual recognition that our sex life is also dwindling (antidepressants, both libidos).

It's bliss.

KangarooKenny · 11/01/2023 16:01

We are in separate rooms due to snoring and nightmares. I’d never share a room again, except with my dog !

Lulu1919 · 11/01/2023 16:04

Thank have my own room ...it was our daughters before she got married !
My husband decorated it for me In a pretty colour and we got a new linen etc
It's BLISS
We both sleep
He is a night owl ...I'm not
I get up an hour earlier than him due to work
He sometimes works late or leaves in the early hours
This way we live together happily !!

ThisWormHasTurned · 11/01/2023 16:10

My then H started sleeping in the spare room due to having insomnia…it became his bedroom in time, he never moved back in..our sex life had dwindled, it pretty much stopped when he moved into the spare room properly. He said it was because he couldn’t sleep and to be fair his snoring was terrible. It wasn’t the reason we split but it didn’t help.
Funnily enough he mentioned the other night about his girlfriend sleep talking - so he shares a bed with her 🤔

gamerchick · 11/01/2023 16:55

OhBitchPeas · 11/01/2023 15:15

DH has sleep apnea which he won't see a GP for and snores like a freaking train.

We are so much happier in separate bedrooms. He treats his room like a shed with a bed and mine is calm, serene and clean.
We have been together for 25 years, we have done all the sharing that needs to be done.
3 kids in and we need a good nights sleep!

Is he aware he's risking his actual life... Like for real? And his driving licence by not getting it treated? It's really serious.

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 11/01/2023 17:40

Do it. DH and I wouldn't be together now if we hadn't done this 11 years ago (together for nearly 25 years). His snoring is the main reason. Also we have very different work schedules. There's also some evidence suggesting poor sleep quality in middle age can be a contributing factor to dementia.

ProperVexed · 11/01/2023 18:20

We've been married 26 years and have had separate rooms for the past 6. It just sort of happened whilst we were decorating and ended up on single mattresses in different rooms. Once the decoration finished he stayed in the spare room and I moved back into the main bedroom.
It is bliss. My room is clean, tidy and smells lovely. I also have a beautiful en suite unsullied by man. He has a single bed in a room he keeps like a skip. I can sometimes hear him snoring through two shut doors.
In an ideal world I'd like to move all his clothes out of the main / my bedroom but I think that might be a step too far!
We are both happy and sleep well.

ehb102 · 11/01/2023 19:24

Separate bedrooms is the dirty secret of stable long term relationships. Only an issue if you have visitors and don't have a spare room because you are sleeping in it!

OxanaVorontsova · 11/01/2023 19:26

Works for us, I get to sleep, he gets to snore and we’re both happy

Nicecow · 11/01/2023 19:31

2021s · 11/01/2023 11:29

Thank you for responses. Glad to hear it works well for some people. Do you think the children would think it was weird if I moved out of the “parent” bedroom?

I know heaps of parents, including my own who did this. It's no biggie. Just say why if you want. I've recently moved into the spare room, DH snores and comes to bed late and I will sick of it. It's so much better now

Startwithamimosa · 11/01/2023 19:33

MinnieMountain · 11/01/2023 13:55

We’ve had separate bedrooms for 2 years due to my peri-menopause. It’s great. I always went to bed and got up earlier than DH anyway.

Our cleaner told me lots of her clients have separate bedrooms.

And I couldn’t give a flying fuck what other people think it implies.

Me neither, I think it says alot more about them if they care

Original poster
2021s · 11/01/2023 21:16

Loved reading the replies thank you! Going to go for it…

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 11/01/2023 21:18

My kids never asked why we are now in separate rooms, I think the fact that they can hear him snoring through a closed door will probably be a clue !

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 11/01/2023 21:26

We started sleeping in separate rooms when either of us had a cold/flu but quickly realised that it really suited us - I'm a lark, he's an owl; we both like cold rooms but he favours an absolute icebox; I snore and talk in my sleep, he doesn't snore (yes he does but it's not worth arguing about!) I'm the one in the spare room, which is also my WFH office, and I'm slowly converting it from spare room and generalised dumping ground into a decent bedroom.

GFP · 11/01/2023 21:31

blesssedd · 11/01/2023 13:31

Would it do any of you admit to having separate rooms in real life?

It kind of implies there are issues in the relationship even though that absolutely is not the case in the posts described.

I don’t need to ‘admit’ it as it’s not a confession and yes of course people in real life know.

There is no ‘implied’, there is only how the person receiving the information chooses to (usually incorrectly) make that assumption and says more about them.

jibbe · 11/01/2023 21:33

I wake at the drop of a pin my hubby snores like a trumpet. It’s a no brainier

Flowersinthebasement · 11/01/2023 21:33

I'll go one better. My name is not Camilla BTW although I have my own separate house and so does my partner. We hook up regularly in one or other house and sleep separately whether we DTD or not. We are older and it is bliss. Not married and together over 25 years now.

I could never live with anyone other than myself really. That is kinder to my partner also, who has no complaints. I think he prefers it that way too. His name is not Charles either.

GFP · 11/01/2023 21:42

@Flowersinthebasement

I’d almost think you were Helena Bonham Carter
🙂 Living the dream and long may it continue for you!

CeriB82 · 11/01/2023 21:42

I love it! I hate having to listen to the nasal sounds and snoring. We do it when DD is in uni. When she is home, well i want to smother him.

MintyPrincess · 11/01/2023 21:51

My parents have slept apart for years (3 bed house)
When they have overnight guests dm forfeits her double bed and goes in the spare room and df stays in his as usual.

SirChenjins · 11/01/2023 21:57

Separate rooms here for most of the week - absolutely love it. DH snores a lot, I have insomnia so I’m up and down through the night, and I leave for work much earlier than him - do it makes sense. I kip in with the dog, everyone is happy, it’s all good. We sleep together at weekends when we’re not getting up for work, it works for us.

knitfastdieyoung · 11/01/2023 22:01

Yes!

We've done this for years. DH snores and I am a very light sleeper (and menopausal and prone to night sweats.) we both sleep happily in our own beds. Still love him to bits.

Ponderingtosk · 11/01/2023 22:05

My parents in their 80’s have a room each.

I often bale out into the spare room if dh snores or I can’t sleep, but he doesn’t mind. I’d prefer us to sleep together but I can’t bear feeling crap if I’ve had little or no sleep. I make my mum and dad sleep together if they stay here so I can still have my backup bed if I need it.

could you turn another room into a dressing room (with a bed) and slowly move out. I always start in our room but four out of seven nights I then change beds.

PenanceAdair · 11/01/2023 22:19

Flowersinthebasement · 11/01/2023 21:33

I'll go one better. My name is not Camilla BTW although I have my own separate house and so does my partner. We hook up regularly in one or other house and sleep separately whether we DTD or not. We are older and it is bliss. Not married and together over 25 years now.

I could never live with anyone other than myself really. That is kinder to my partner also, who has no complaints. I think he prefers it that way too. His name is not Charles either.

I was going to add that there's nothing wrong with having a separate room or even a separate house/flat but I thought it may be too much for now. One step at a time. 😆

But well done for breaking that wall on the thread.