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Original poster

I don't know how to raise a dd nothing like me

91 replies

greenriver · 10/01/2023 10:40

My dd and me are polar opposites I'm a go getter and my dd is very much a 'I can't' type personality

I find it very frustrating that I can't seem to get her to do anything at all and am worried how this will end up affecting her life.
Example, she's clever and able to do many things. She is currently on the schools sports teams. They've asked her to attend extra practise sessions and then she'll play for the school on the top team. Her answer is she can't. She's not as good as the others. She has to get up too early to practise blah blah every excuse under the sun not to do anything extra.

I've never been like this. My parents also wouldn't allow this. I'd have been dropped off at the club. I don't know what to do as I'm not convinced that's the best way but am currently tempted!!!

Dd would happily watch tv every spare second of her life if given the opportunity and I'm not going to lie, it upsets me! She has so many opportunities presented to her but tv wins hands down every time.
Can I get this right, I feel like forcing her to attend at least one club. Otherwise she's got nothing on. She's 10. I'm conscious we're around the corner from teen years and want to implement the rules now not then!

OP posts:

midgetastic · 10/01/2023 10:42

If she is such an opposite perhaps she feels she can never live up to you ?

I do agree children ( and adults) need one out of school activity - she needs to chose for herself at her age

Montague22 · 10/01/2023 10:43

Hmm I’m not sure if I’m the right person to answer this either. I think it’s good to be pushed out of your comfort zone. One hobby isn’t much.
Is this sport something she could do for life? Would she be happier trying something else? What about playing for the 2nd team with less pressure? Is there another sport without early starts, (is it swimming?), if so would she rather try a different type of swimming eg synchro for a change?

Mamamia7962 · 10/01/2023 10:46

Maybe she likes the sport but not enough to play for the top team. Have you asked her.

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Quitelikeit · 10/01/2023 10:47

I think you have created too much pressure for her and she is afraid of not living up to your expectations

I made the mistake of doing this to my 5 year old at sports day. It ruined sports for her for the next 5 years.

the randomly she has suddenly developed the v competitive streak that I’d wanted to see all those years ago.

id say be quiet and give it time

Mamamia7962 · 10/01/2023 10:48

Also at 10 it's ok to limit TV/screen time so that she has to find something else to occupy herself.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 10/01/2023 10:50

She is her own person, stop trying to change her poor little thing. 10 years old, let her grow into her own person instead of trying to mould her into a mini you.

eurochick · 10/01/2023 10:50

I'm in the same position! I was very driven from a young age. My daughter is very laid back, gives up if she can't do something immediately and just wants to watch TV. I have no idea how to motivate her. My only comfort is that she is very like my husband and although he was a late bloomer he has ended up doing well for himself.

Palemoonlight · 10/01/2023 10:53

Maybe she has anxiety about failing so would rather not try and be exposed the failure. That’s an attitude you need to slowly work on with her to help her recognize and be able to push through.

Or maybe she just is not that bothered about that sport so all the extra effort is genuinely not worth her investing time in, so she doesn’t want to do it.

Do you have a sense of which it is?

if the latter, expose her to more opportunities to help her find her thing.

I can sympathize, my eldest has pretty low confidence and a lot of anxiety about failing/ being seen to fail. I do worry about him, and it can be hard to know how to handle without sounding preachy, and when to push and when to back off.

Original poster

greenriver · 10/01/2023 10:54

The thing is she is good at things. Very talented and has taken part in big competitions and won. Academic/music/sports shes good. I've always said the usual doesn't matter if you win etc it's the taking part that counts. After winning things or achieving something she just drops the activity and move on to something else that's if we make her go to something. If not, the tv wins. I do restrict the tv. But that seems to make it worse. She begs for the tv much to my shame!! And tries to fit it in for example while she's eating breakfast saying it's therefore not 'wasting time watching tv' because she's eating breakfast anyway (!)

She's recently been chosen for most of the A teams at sport at school but cba to go to the sessions they put her in so has dropped out of most of the teams or school have let her go. I never force her to participate but feel maybe I should. She'll choose other things but by the end of each term she acts like she cba. It does make me sad. I can't hide it all the time. I do get frustrated when so many dc can't have these opportunities and she just shrugs her shoulders as if it doesn't matter.

I worry that it does matter not having one single hobby. Not so much now but later on. I don't know how to get her to stick at anything.

I don't have high expectations. I don't want her to be a mini me. That's not possible anyway, I was driven naturally. Dd is not. But I do expect her to do something other than admire the tv.

OP posts:

WandaWonder · 10/01/2023 10:55

Why does she have to be like you and do what you want her to do

Sure we need make sure kids go to school (yes if not home schooling), brush their teeth type things but she is not you

UsuallySuze · 10/01/2023 10:59

Sounds like she is feeling some pressure and this is making her want to opt out. Pressure can be a bit like wind is to fire- a little bit can help them rise to the occasion but too much just squashes them flat (haven't quite made that comparison work 😂)- her sweet spot may be in a different place to yours. I wonder whether she picks up on your frustration that she's not more like you were. (I'd also caution against assuming your memory of yourself as a 10yo is completely accurate.)

Limiting screen time is a good idea. At 10 she's old enough for you to talk to her about her reasons for not wanting to do the club and give her a bit of a boost- the school evidently think she's good enough so she doesn't need to worry about that aspect. A bit of negotiation can help as well- she can try out the extra sessions and see how it goes, maybe? Make a plan together for how she can cope with the early start. My daughter can be a bit like yours- worrying about being good enough for things- and I've found that it really helps to present it to her as me and her on the same side making a plan together for how to approach things, rather than me on one side saying "do it" and her on the other saying "no".

frozendaisy · 10/01/2023 11:00

She's 10.
She is on the school sports team, just because it's not the top team, it's still good.

Perhaps suggest one extra training session a week to start with saying it will help her be a better player in the team she is in without the great success cloud pressure and take it from there.

She might end up working in TV if that is her passion. That is what Matt Groening did! There are many different routes to success and success is different for different people.

midgetastic · 10/01/2023 11:00

Just ask her to chose one thing - one sport or one instrument or whatever

It's sounds like she's good across the board but that can be exhausting and confusing

UsuallySuze · 10/01/2023 11:02

I'd also add that DD dropped a lot of her hobbies as a young teen but then found two more of her own- a sport and an instrument- that were nothing to do with me and which I'd never suggested or encouraged, and she's incredibly keen and committed at them. Sometimes children need a bit of space to discover and develop their own passions and interests and they don't get that if we as parents are always pushing them to do the things we think they should be doing (don't know if this fits for you but it's definitely something I've had to work on myself).

SeaweedGarters · 10/01/2023 11:05

I hear you, OP. I see it a lot in my friends and their children, as well as in my own ten-year-old. I think that in our cases it's a matter of the parents being from fairly deprived backgrounds, having recognised early that education and effort were the routes out, and then we produced children who are growing up in much easier circumstances than we did -- our children simply aren't as driven by the recognition that life has to be grasped and run with, and that major effort id needed not to end up leading the grim, impoverished lives our parents did.

I don't know quite how you deal with it sensibly, though. I admit I find it frustrating, though I recognise DS is having a much nicer life than I did at his age.

Teatime55 · 10/01/2023 11:05

We’ve experienced the same. Although DD does nothing now (overwhelmed by ASD).
DH was a very active teen in particular- sport, music, school shows, scouts, very academic etc. so he expected the same. However his parents were polar opposites and never did anything nor encouraged him to do any of those things. He was allowed to be his own person and do those things though.

I know lots of people whose children are university age and I’ve seen the negative effects of forcing children to do things for their parent’s satisfaction. I do think children should do activities but there needs to be a balance and they need to want to do it.

Original poster

greenriver · 10/01/2023 11:06

Thanks @UsuallySuze yes I do let her choose what she wants to do or go with friends to various clubs but she still drops out. I suppose I'll have to hope she find hers thing later on.

I am also concerned if she doesn't get into a sport of any sort she'll be lounging around in her senior school years and her health and fitness will suffer, Especially with sports not being so prevalent in school now.

OP posts:

VenusClapTrap · 10/01/2023 11:07

Frustrating. You can’t force her. That way lies all sorts of trouble. I think I’d just restrict tv to the bare minimum (half an hour a day?) to make things as boring as possible for her so she has to find other ways to amuse herself.

I wouldn’t allow tv during meal times, personally.

midgetastic · 10/01/2023 11:08

She needs one activity a term

She is old enough to realIe she is committing for that whole term when she makes that choice

It doesn't matter if she chops and changes and long as she has one

At that age small fall outs with friends can make a huge difference to how they feel

VenusClapTrap · 10/01/2023 11:09

From a fitness angle, it would be worth talking to her about a healthy lifestyle and seeing if you can get her to agree to do at least one sporty activity after school just for fitness reasons.

midgetastic · 10/01/2023 11:09

And meal times should be family time so watching tv isn't allowed as it stops possible conversation

Original poster

greenriver · 10/01/2023 11:11

@SeaweedGarters yep that's me! And I am so happy and grateful dd has a much much easier life than me but I also do expect at least one activity to be participated in.

I worry what is the outcome of all of this because working hard does still count in life and lounging around waiting for others to magic things up for them isn't going to work forever. I see so many girls looking unhealthy and having mh problems I am feeling pressure to get dd into at least one sport. Any sport. Literally anything. Maybe she's feeling that.

Yes no tv in mealtimes I agree. I'll hide the remote. She sneaks into the kitchen early on weekends and does this.

OP posts:

Stickmansmum · 10/01/2023 11:13

I’d force her to one non negotiable sport. She can’t sit on her ass and opt out of life from now. If she wasn’t sporty as long as she had some other live in life that helps her build a community and identity I’d be fine with that but not what you’re saying she wants which is tv all the time.

We make them go to school for their own good. One sport regularly is equally as important in my opinion.

Opting out of anything challenging is NOT something I would tolerate with my kids.

Original poster

greenriver · 10/01/2023 11:13

To clarify, we eat lunch and dinner together when all here,
me and dh don't eat breakfast. We do give it her but she sneaks about at weekends to watch tv with her cereal. Like an addict. She literally acts like she's addicted and cried if she can't watch tv on a weekend day. It literally feels like her one passion !!!

OP posts:

Palemoonlight · 10/01/2023 11:22

Having read your update, I think this is a complete non issue. What’s wrong with being a generalist? Especially at age 10! She is getting loads of experience of loads of different things. That will be feeding her creativity and flexible thinking and transferable skills. Boris Becker did loads of different sports you know! He was not a tennis purist till much later on.

You have a talented, capable daughter. Let her enjoy massing all this valuable, wide ranging experience.

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