I don't know how to raise a dd nothing like me

[greenriver]

My dd and me are polar opposites I'm a go getter and my dd is very much a 'I can't' type personality

I find it very frustrating that I can't seem to get her to do anything at all and am worried how this will end up affecting her life.
Example, she's clever and able to do many things. She is currently on the schools sports teams. They've asked her to attend extra practise sessions and then she'll play for the school on the top team. Her answer is she can't. She's not as good as the others. She has to get up too early to practise blah blah every excuse under the sun not to do anything extra.

I've never been like this. My parents also wouldn't allow this. I'd have been dropped off at the club. I don't know what to do as I'm not convinced that's the best way but am currently tempted!!!

Dd would happily watch tv every spare second of her life if given the opportunity and I'm not going to lie, it upsets me! She has so many opportunities presented to her but tv wins hands down every time.
Can I get this right, I feel like forcing her to attend at least one club. Otherwise she's got nothing on. She's 10. I'm conscious we're around the corner from teen years and want to implement the rules now not then!

Just say how proud of her you are and that it doesn't matter if she doesn't want to play in the first team. Honestly, it doesn't matter.

I was in top sets and teams but unmotivated too. No matter how much I wanted to do things, I couldn't. It sadly took me until adulthood to learn about executive functioning and ADHD to begin to understand it all. The more pressure that was put on me the more anxious I became and the more I felt misunderstood and not enough for my fixed-mindset parents. It led me to becoming a people pleaser with chronic anxiety as my parents had arbitrary non-negotiables and lots of 'you should this' and 'you should that' but they didn't see ME. Along with the shift in hormones from around age 10 it progressed into depression.

It's a difficult time with hormones starting to influence mood. School can become more socially or academically tiresome. People want to watch TV to zone out and relax, or for escapism. Is something difficult going on for her?

Ask her how she feels. Critically and honestly evaluate your own ideas. Try to find out and understand her perspective. It sounds like a lot of your thought patterns are fear based and you want to control the situation because you think X will lead to Y and this isn't the case.

You say you don’t put pressure on her, but you also use such strong language to talk about her - words like sadness and shame. I would bet my house that your daughter feels your ‘shame’ at her (perceived) failure. At ten, that must be very difficult to live with.

Being generally good at things is brilliant but it can also make it difficult when you need to try, and especially when you experience ‘failure’. It sounds like your daughter would rather not try (and therefore not fail) than disappoint you. I wonder if TV is an escape from some of the pressure she feels.

The sort of activity which might be useful for this kind of mindset would be some sort of volunteering/helping others. She may be a bit young for that yet, but that’s what I’d look into. I’d also plan activities at the weekend to do together that are out of both of your comfort zones. Let her see you struggle/‘fail’. Show her that it’s okay to take those risks.

With the TV, I would continue to limit it and give her specific times when she can watch. Stick to this as much as possible, and when you deviate do it in a positive way (“we’re both pretty tired from rock climbing this morning, shall we sit down and watch some telly for a bit?”) rather than ‘giving in’. If she is begging for the TV it’s probably because she’s learnt that sometimes that tactic works. If it never worked, it wouldn’t be worth doing.

The other thing I would say is that she is ten. Ten years old. She sounds absolutely normal and fine. Let her work out what she likes, in her own time.

Stop immediately reading any book on child development. They are written to make money.
Stop overthinking parenting. She sounds a completely normal you sound too anxious. Relax
Go do a fun activity together snd forget raising a high a high achieving robot. It's supposed to be fun you know having a kid. Enjoy her for her.

How about this: get her to pick one sporting/active activity, and one hobby activity. The sport needn’t be competitive - she could do something like climbing, or dance. And then have a minimum level of TV time, over which she can earn more by participating in these activities, doing some chores etc. That gives her a bit of control and the option to do more of what she wants, while also incentivising activity.

Some kids just aren’t competitive and that’s fine, but it’s important that they don’t become inactive. Finding the right level of push without putting them off is a challenge for sure.

Maybe she just doesn't enjoy it and doesn't want to do it..

How is she around other adults and are there other adults she knows well?

My best friend is very fiery and driven and her son is more sensitive and geeky. We often do one on one things together (me and the son) because our personalities are similar. It's great for him because he sees his mum having a respectful relationship with someone like him and she'll often ask us to chat if he's hesitant about something. Like joining a regional sports club, he did need a more nurturing approach and we thought of some strategies for him to introduce himself and I said he could leave if he wasn't bothered or didn't like it. It was those adjustments he needed to try a new thing. I think if children have trusted adults in their life it can work very well for them. Or a babysitter/tutor who takes part in their chosen activity?

My son absolutely thrives in his loud, banter-heavy football coaches company. He loves it so much, he really responds to the macho environment. Except it's actually very nurturing and tailored to different kids but the approach is right for him.

Sometimes the quiet confidence takes a while to come. And possibly is she a bit neurodiverse? The telly watching could be her way of "switching her brain off" especially if she is trying to conform/perform at school and activities? I also think active tv watching (you both watch a series/film together and no phones) is a brilliant bonding technique and because you are cuddling/sharing a blanket they don't need to stare at a screen for so long. Or transitions, watching tv is a great distraction for all the transitions a morning routine requires. You should like a caring involved mum and she sounds great I'm sure you can find the middle ground xx

I'm probably a bit like your daughter - I'm good at sport but I'm not competitive which really makes being good at sport a waste, I really like being cosy, I was very lazy at school to the frustration of my parents. I probably am just naturally pretty lazy, which my family aren't.

But I have a great job, I'm a (MN cliché claxon) high earner, I go to the gym and am in good shape. I'm a fully functioning adult, just one who likes a lie in (or did, until kids).

You can't give her a different personality. The one she has is fine.

I bet she'll be a TV producer when she's older.

Sure, restrict screen time so she has a variety of activities. But maybe her interests just lie elsewhere to yours. Sounds like you're an extremely active person physically. Not everyone is like that. Motivation can come in a range of forms.

Would she be interested in acting/youth stage?

OP this all sounds a bit much:

"I am also concerned if she doesn't get into a sport of any sort she'll be lounging around in her senior school years and her health and fitness will suffer, Especially with sports not being so prevalent in school now."

Is she overweight or do you have any other reason to be concerned about her health?

Why can’t she just be allowed to do things for fun? I was really good at a sport, my parents asked if I wanted to join a club but I said no. That sport was able to just remain a hobby, no getting up early, no hours spent swimming length after length, no pressure on me. It was also an escape from pressure in other areas in life. It sounds like she is already active. I don’t for a minute regret the fact I didn’t join a club and all the extra pressure that comes with “doing a sport”.

there’s so many pressures on kids these days. It’s worth considering whether you really want to force another pressure on her, especially when she’s telling you that she really doesn’t want to do it.

The other thing I always notice on Mumsnet is that every adult seems to have a range of "hobbies" that they actively participate in each week. This sound lovely, but it seems like another world to me. DH and earn average salaries (about half what people call a "good income" on here, but it's enough) but along with shift work, pickups and drop offs, seeing family and friends and keeping our house sorted there are zero hours left in the week to do a hobby!
Admittedly our children are v small so very needy still, and maybe things will change, but I really don't get it!

How much screen time does she have? If she's sneaking it a breakfast it does sound like you're on the miserly side with it.
I agree a sport or a hobby is beneficial but don't underestimate how much kids bond over things they have watched over the weekend/in the evening.
Is she being left out by her peers as she can't follow conversations about their favourite TV shows do you know?

I think give her chance to come out of herself.

I was painfully shy as a child, very negative, pessimistic, would rather not have a go at something if I thought I might not win/would embarrass myself.

I am not like this at all as an adult! I regularly shunt myself out of my comfort zone, I'm far more of an extrovert than I used to be (tend to swing between the two), am a relatively high achiever and people seem to think quite highly of me, both at work and personally.

Has she got outlets? For me it was having pets. Can she have some say over stuff? Eg. Only X amount of TV and doing one hobby but of her choosing from your recommendations eg. I want my DD to be a reasonable swimmer so she'll be expected to have lessons until competent and then can drop it type of thing.

You have secondary school coming up. A huge amount will change then in terms of clubs/activities and (sorry but brace yourself) your daughter’s willingness to toe the line with what you want. So I would keep your powder dry for now. Ten is very young.

Don’t panic about the later years at secondary school - so much will change before then.

Limit screen time. I think its madness to do otherwise. While TV can be relaxing, most ten year olds given the chance would watch hours of YouTube video crap / repeat series and it’s not the best. Let her be bored and see what happens.

Think of your happiest friend / family member - are they a world beating artist/athlete/musician, or just a contented positive person. Work to that.

Good luck - others have said you sound mean but I think you sound caring, invested and concerned.

Have set times and/or a set amount of time she watches tv. Then she won't need to plead for it or try to squeeze it in or worry about not getting it. The routine will really help her IMO.

Your parents sound like the pushy parents from hell, don't be like them.

There’s a balance to be struck!
Try and meet her half way op.

Ironically one of the ways to deal with this is to make her feel as though she has more control which is very difficult when you are trying to get her to do things she doesn’t particularly want to do.

It works better if the activity is her idea, so you have to try and subtly facilitate that. Sometimes doing activities with friends takes the pressure off a bit, so the friendship becomes the point, not the sport.

Compromise on a physical activity she loves: dancing, bicycling, horse riding, climbing but completely back off in terms of pressure.

Maybe go bicycling with her regularly and take her for a treat afterwards or take a picnic? Show her that sport can be fun. School PE can be so off-putting!

And if she enjoys being at home, then 10 is the perfect age to introduce creative activities like sewing, felting, knitting, baking, gardening drawing etc as a substitute for some of the tv she is watching. Or get a dog she can walk? And obviously set time limits if she has a phone. Apps like Instagram are made to be addictive.

I agree with pp that tv only becomes an issue if she is using it to avoid things due to anxiety or depression. And yes, dc can get depressed.

Maybe look in to getting her some help with her anxiety now so it doesn’t develop further and in order to develop resilience all you have to do really is praise effort not results and completely back off and model it!

I got travel sick as a child so I really sympathise with that but again you need to check she is not using that as an excuse to avoid doing things as that is a bad pattern to get in to.

So allow her more control and to be able to speak freely and honestly and say “I don’t want to go to x as I would prefer to be at home” and then you can have a longer non -stressy conversation about whether she feels ok in herself, whether she is tired or anxious, what really lies behind her refusal, and you can say “ok that’s fine but in return I would like it if you would come to with me next week’ and make sure she sticks to it. If she protests again, calmly remind her you had a deal.

One of the most useful skills in life is learning how to make yourself do stuff you don’t want to do. So try and be more of a facilitator than an enforcer.

Some children just feel a lot better if everything that is going to happen is explained in detail to them in advance. You can sometimes sit in on a sports lesson the term before you start to do it, and then you can help your child to familiarise themselves with the journey there and back, where the loos are, how to tie those particular shoe laces etc. Sometimes it’s as simple as that.

If you are resilient op then it’s highly likely that your dc will grow up to be resilient too. But everyone has different genetics, socialisation, capabilities. She might just need a bit more time then you did so try not to be frustrated and give her more responsibility and control over the choices she makes.

I totally understand where you are coming from though op as my dc have had loads more opportunities than I did as a child and they rejected half of them during their late teens. They did carry on with a couple each though and that’s good enough!

I think it's all about making the child feel safe. I have your DD's personality and my mother expected more from me than I could offer, she never gave me the impression that she saw who I really was. My DD is braver than I was but I think a part of that is because I allowed her to be wary, nervous, sad, angry. I always told her that it was normal to be scared, but reassured her that other people felt scared too! She's at college now, so there's been a lot of counselling along the way. My mother used to just say ''do it!''. There was no acknowledgement that fear and hesitancy were NORMAL.

Not wanting to compete in a sport doesn’t make you “lazy”. I hate all sport and always have. I am not remotely lazy - or unfit or any of the other things you’re worried about. Much as I hate sport and cannot understand why people want to do it, I can accept that many do and that my opinion on it is not infallible. You need to realise the same. Your way is not necessarily the right way. Your daughter is ten. Keep providing opportunities for her to go to new places and experience new things and take up new interests - if she wants to. That’s all you can do. She is not going to end up a hopeless layabout just because she likes watching TV.

Thanks. I think the general consensus is I back off and relax (yes some truth there)

@JoyPeaceHealth that one I do actually think I'm ok at. I don't force anything. I do say she doesn't have to do it, but then she doesn't do it so that's where I'm questioning if I'm getting this right!

@Crossornot she hasn't had to compete in all sports but she drops out of all of them regardless. I don't think it's the 'competition' that's causing her to drop out of everything.
This term it happens a sport she's good at school has offered her to compete in so she'll bot be participating if she chooses not to but there having been other activities that are really easy going and she'd just rather not attend. She's even dropped out of things like gardening club or cookery classes where there's no competition and things she's certainly not the worst at.

Tv isn't anyone's passion

Wrong.

@greenriver @SeaweedGarters and for anyone else interested, the Matthew Syed books are 'You Are Awesome' and 'Dare To Be You'.

We were also given a copy of Marcus Rashford's book 'You Are A Champion' which I think is along similar lines (but I can't immediately lay my hands on our copy as it's disappeared into a bedroom never to be seen again 😂

DH and I had to do a lot of work with DD1 as she was most definitely a perfectionist at primary and at one point wouldn't even put pen to paper as she was so afraid of getting things wrong. She's now 16, has really embraced the whole growth mindset attitude and has gone from strength to strength ☺️

Tell her she has to do something. Doesn;t matter what it is and doesn;t matter how successful she is at it, but what matters is the self-discipline of getting it done and trying her best. That is what you value - not the outcome but the attitude. And that is your job as a parent to foster.

DS is autistic. Every single term for five years he told me he wanted to give up Saturday music class. But it was th eonly thing he did outside school. Every term, I said, do one more term. he got better and better and is now a talented musician which gives him kudos among his friends. I never had a fight with him, I'd just say, 'It's two hours in a week. You can handle it.'

It sounds like the school ethos isn't necessarily agreeing with her. Why not let her drop the school based sports and find a different active activity out of school? Without competition? Bike riding for fun, hiking as a family, park run? What about a climbing wall? If the goal is that she does something active, you need to consider something completely different to the things (and setting) she is wanting to opt out of.

And reading your update maybe she feels fed up of all the school clubs and is just opting out of everything. I think she's about to head into pressured school years, let her have a break and maybe even get bored of doing nothing. At weekends insist you get out and be active - see ideas above. My dc is younger but similar, I have a rule that swimming is a life skill and has got to be learnt, once they reach a level of competency it can stop. We get out to be active and healthy, and find ways to incentivise e.g. a country walk where take a hot chocolate in a flask