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Original poster

I don't know how to raise a dd nothing like me

91 replies

greenriver · 10/01/2023 10:40

My dd and me are polar opposites I'm a go getter and my dd is very much a 'I can't' type personality

I find it very frustrating that I can't seem to get her to do anything at all and am worried how this will end up affecting her life.
Example, she's clever and able to do many things. She is currently on the schools sports teams. They've asked her to attend extra practise sessions and then she'll play for the school on the top team. Her answer is she can't. She's not as good as the others. She has to get up too early to practise blah blah every excuse under the sun not to do anything extra.

I've never been like this. My parents also wouldn't allow this. I'd have been dropped off at the club. I don't know what to do as I'm not convinced that's the best way but am currently tempted!!!

Dd would happily watch tv every spare second of her life if given the opportunity and I'm not going to lie, it upsets me! She has so many opportunities presented to her but tv wins hands down every time.
Can I get this right, I feel like forcing her to attend at least one club. Otherwise she's got nothing on. She's 10. I'm conscious we're around the corner from teen years and want to implement the rules now not then!

OP posts:

Greatly · 10/01/2023 15:01

Gardening and cooking club are probably utterly dull I don't blame her.

Op one of my kids was in the top ten in the country for a sport. She got utterly sick of it. It was quite hard for me when she gave up tbh. But I have seen so many pushy parents I vowed not to be like that. She then got an injury that meant 18 months off sport. During that time she thought she'd like to try another sport and now does it happily and willingly to the detriment of her academics basically don't worry.

UWhatNow · 10/01/2023 15:07

I think the fixed mindset here is not the dd, it’s the mother! She’s not you and never will be.

All this anxiety about teams, and sports, and health and clubs is all about you. That’s why she’s not engaging because she knows the inner frustration and disappointment you have with her dull (in your view) tv-watching and lack of interest in the things you’re interested in.

I’m sorry to sound harsh but it’s plain as day to me. I can’t stand threads like this. She sounds a remarkable and lovely girl and you can’t even see beyond what she ‘should be doing’ according to you and people like you. ‘She should be doing a sport?’ - oh yeah why? Maybe she has no national interest in sport. Do you care?

Let her be herself. Find out why she watches tv and what her natural inclinations are. Be an observer and a mentor for the best young women she’s meant to be. Not the carbon copy you wish she was.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 10/01/2023 15:08

I kind of feel the same. I was really motivated child. And my dc isn't.
And he is way more talented than I was. It does frustrate me.
But then, I have to come to terms with that my dc isn't me. If he doesn't want to do something, then I shouldn't force him.

But then, I started to feel like this when my dc was in secondary. If you are feeling like this when your dc is only 10, you have a child who has determination and drive already at such a young age. Isn't that a good thing, like she knows what she wants?

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Suzi89 · 10/01/2023 15:10

You’re giving nightmare helicopter parent vibes to be honest. So what if she doesn’t want to do sport? I didn’t either at her age. Why don’t you sign up for a netball team if it’s so great instead of sitting around on Mumsnet?

The odds of her ending up as a professional are about 0.00001% anyway so it’s not like it’s hugely important.

louderthan · 10/01/2023 18:52

She's 10 bless her. I get your frustration but I would be very careful about pushing her too much. Very similar dynamic between my mum and me. It really damaged our relationship and it's only now at 41 that I'm fulfilling my potential because I was paralysed by her expectations when I was growing up.

ehb102 · 10/01/2023 18:53

@greenriver I agree, I don't think you have it right with sports. I'm a sporty person who found that out late in life and who can't run. I coach football, I run the development squad for girls. Our job is to get the girls first playing football and then playing competitively. My own daughter has been extremely resistant to matches until recently, but she and her friends are coming around to it. They are 7 and 8, that's still really young! It's taken a couple of years of development to get them up to the point they want to play a friendly. Success for us is that they keep playing, failure is when they give up

All the coaching guidance will tell you to back off, let the kids play, and tell them as a parent "I love watching you play." As I said to one friend who sounds very like you, this is not the 1980s when our parents thought we only had one chance at anything and this was it. Now we know people grow and change and can try new things that doesn't apply. Our children live in a different world. They have to learn to cope with different skills.

As an adult who came late to sport,.I wouldn't want my child training to a high level of success as a child. It's not always healthy.

smileladiesplease · 10/01/2023 20:17

I honestly don't get shy you need her to do clubs. She can garden at home or help cook at home. At 10 school is probably knackering enough. Hormones probably starting to kick in too.
You are overthinking it op. I though it's tempting if you are surrounded by mum types who send their kids to classes after school every day of the week but please chill with her or exercise with her together. Go swimming walking or shopping together. She really doesn't need classes if she doesn't want to.

Thistlelass · 11/01/2023 01:39

It is all part of the fun of parenting that you get kids who won't conform to your ideal I'm afraid. Who says being a 'go getter' is the best way forward? She may well be shaping up to be a studious young girl in her teens and will get good results. Perhaps her heart is not with sport and it is your remit to help steer her to her hearts desire with her leisure time. I am sure you will get full marks with the assignment.

Pinkbonbon · 11/01/2023 01:58

OK so... speaking as someone who's parents made her do extra curricular activities- if anything it turned me into a bit of a boring adult. Because i hated being forced into those things and so I think I rebelled by never pursuing anything like them as I got older.

I'm only just now, I my mid 30s, developing proper hobbies. I'm thoroughly enjoying myself but for years I avoided anything music, dance and art related. Because they just reminded me of school years restraints.

Honestly, I want to say 'leave her alone!'. Let her make all her own decisions regarding whether she takes things up or not. Maybe she will and maybe she won't. She has her whole life to develop talents and hobbies.

You know what I loved? Video games. I played them in my spare time then and still do now. Because I felt free in them. Now of course, you may not want to encourage video games, some people are a little biased against them, but the point I'm making is - I loved and still love, the thing that was...mine. The thing I chose to do, with NO input or interference from parents.

Kids don't want to be in their parent shaddow. They don't want to be your opinion about who they are. They just want to be free and have fun. Even if she grows up to be a boring TV watcher like I was, so what? So long as she enjoys it.

But I suspect if you just leave her be, she'll find several things she loves much sooner than I did.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/01/2023 02:15

I read a funny meme today: Every body on Everest was once a go getter, slow down.

Let her find her own rhythm.

sjxoxo · 11/01/2023 02:27

you sound very full on to me.. there’s a lot of pressure in your post. there are some drawbacks of being driven - stress, anxiety, not enjoying the moment, taking life too seriously.. I’d be wary of inflicting these on your daughter.

if she won’t do the sport and is a huge TV fan, what about a film club or some kind of production group?? Maybe her interest in TV could be beneficial in that sense! What is it she likes about the TV?? series/films/stories/costume/filming/drama.. I’d explore some of that and see if you can find her something niche as a hobby or group. Maybe sport and studying aren’t something she’s naturally interested in! X

ShippingNews · 11/01/2023 02:59

CliffordDanger · 10/01/2023 14:31

Tv isn't anyone's passion

Wrong.

Indeed that is wrong. I was "addicted" to watching TV all my childhood. I never played a day of sport in my life. Yet I have had a really challenging and successful career, and a very happy and fulfilled life. Playing sport / having hobbies doesn't always lead to a great life ! I'd say back off and let her find her own path, instead of trying to drag her along yours.

Greatly · 11/01/2023 04:02

if she won’t do the sport and is a huge TV fan, what about a film club or some kind of production group

Nooo! Poor kid just let her watch tv without turning it into an educational experience

MrsDooDaa · 11/01/2023 04:31

It sounds like quite a pressurised home and school environment for your DD.

Do you do many regular sports/activities now as an adult OP?

PinkSyCo · 11/01/2023 04:35

I don’t know why but before I got to the end of your post I was imagining your DD as a teenager and was going to ask if she might be a bit depressed or something. Now I know she’s only 10 I do think it’s quite unusual that she wants to do nothing but watch TV, but after reading more of your posts I think it’s your pushiness that has caused her to quietly rebel. She’s probably obsessed with the tv because you never let her watch it. Kids need downtime as much as they need activity time. You forcing your child to spend all her spare time doing sports and going to clubs is no fairer than someone forcing you to spend all your leisure time sitting down in front of the box.

sashh · 11/01/2023 04:48

Any chance she has ASD?

The doing something and then dropping it is quite common as is having a 'safe space' which could be the TV.

Maybe she just wants tome time to her self. If you are worried about health/fitness is there something you could do together? Geocaching or going for a run.

I hated team sports but loved Ju Jitsu. looking back that was because there isn't much talking.

One piece of advice, listen to her.

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