I don't know how to raise a dd nothing like me

[greenriver]

My dd and me are polar opposites I'm a go getter and my dd is very much a 'I can't' type personality

I find it very frustrating that I can't seem to get her to do anything at all and am worried how this will end up affecting her life.
Example, she's clever and able to do many things. She is currently on the schools sports teams. They've asked her to attend extra practise sessions and then she'll play for the school on the top team. Her answer is she can't. She's not as good as the others. She has to get up too early to practise blah blah every excuse under the sun not to do anything extra.

I've never been like this. My parents also wouldn't allow this. I'd have been dropped off at the club. I don't know what to do as I'm not convinced that's the best way but am currently tempted!!!

Dd would happily watch tv every spare second of her life if given the opportunity and I'm not going to lie, it upsets me! She has so many opportunities presented to her but tv wins hands down every time.
Can I get this right, I feel like forcing her to attend at least one club. Otherwise she's got nothing on. She's 10. I'm conscious we're around the corner from teen years and want to implement the rules now not then!

I don't really understand. Is she your only child? I have 4 snd am fascinated by their differences to each other and us. For goodness sake chill she's 10!!! She's not you! Who wants a mini me. Let her develop as her or you going to
Drive her more into her shell now snd rebel against you later.

Why don't you watch a favourite tv programme together then have a girly shop snd hot chocolate. You are raising her not you!

Instead of having her doing clubs could you not organise an activity for both of you to do each week something small like a walk together or something like cooking together ? She’s 10 YouTube Netflix etc are much more appealing than sports activities to kids these days , I wouldn’t put pressure on it she’s a kid enjoying her younger years and once she’s a teenager she’ll be out with her friends alot I wouldn’t force extra activities if she’s wanting to drop out all the time it won’t be fun or enjoyable for either of you.

Most people watch tv every day
She's not unusual
It's a way to chill
It's a way to have topics of conversation with friends

Separate tv from the having activities - she. can have both

I'm not sure why it's coming across I want a mini me. If I wanted a mini me she'd be doing several activities and be forced to things.
I would like more participation than nothing.

@Palemoonlight yes maybe I need to leave things. The problem is that as she's gotten older she's choosing less. Wanting to stay in more and do less. I don't force things but at least when she was younger she'd choose the next activity now she wants to be in the whole weekend doing not much. I feel like I've already got a lazy teen on my hands and I don't want a lazy teen.

Have you read any of the books about fixed/growth mindsets?? There's an adult book by Carol Dwek who I think did the original research and various kid friendly versions- Matthew Syed I think??

I ask because I wonder whether she's got a fixed mindset about her various hobbies - she feels you're either talented or you're not.

It sounds like she has a natural aptitude for some things so finds them easy. Therefore activities that require more effort and practice to get good at, she has decided that she isn't good at therefore won't do them.

Might be worth exploring as she's young. If she's already internalised a message that it's not worth doing something unless you're brilliant at it from the start, that's something it's worth working on generally. You don't really want a 'I'm no good at XYZ so I won't even try' mentality to gather pace...

She does not need to be the star of the school team, but she needs regular exercise and plenty of time outdoors. TV will do nothing for her life. If she doesn't want to be on a competition team, could she perhaps do another activity where the pressure is off? Jr Parkrun, aqua aerobics, zumba etc?

I think you’re getting a hard time on here OP

most people act like screen time is the devil and that their teens play county level at 13 sports yet you say you’re worried about your dd being obsessed with tv and you’re suddenly ‘pressuring’ her, wanting a mini me and ‘tv might be her passion’

wtf. Actual wtf.

I’d want my ten year old to have at least one hobby that involves leaving the house don’t care what it is but they have to interact and get a bit of fresh air and exercise

and no, playing Xbox isn’t a hobby

Should say ‘most people on mumsnet’

I'm a lot like your daughter. I could happily do nothing all day!!

I'm very glad my parents were a tad on the pushy side and certain extra-curriculars were non negotiable. I wouldn't have half of the skills I do today it weren't for that.

Sorry- does she do one sport regularly or she does a few, gets good then drops them? Perhaps she has not found her groove or is happy to do x at a slightly less prestigious level? Would talking to the school about not putting her in the A team be helpful, so she enjoys more without the pressure of the A team?

TV at the weekend mornings- why not? We all need down time!

DD is 11 and LOVES tv but she is also a committed gymnast and does 4 hours a week with her club. Its a non negotiable because she's part of the team. We have always supported her gym and she's done it for many years now, and we have always talked about how good she is, how she's improving, how sometimes its tough and she feels dejected about her progress. But she signed up for it and takes the rough (very rare) with the smooth and knows now from experience that amazing feeling of persevering and then achieving, and the achievements have been personal wins, like finally getting her front somersault which took a while. Some sessions were hard, but she pushed. She wanted it. We kept her going, putting the mats out at home, watching her, encouraging her. Cuddling her when it didn't happen, driving to McDonalds after the practises because sometimes we need a dirt burger!

What I am trying to say is that it has been a combination of

she loves it so it is vanishingly rare she would ask to skip a session
we support it unconditionally
praise
tough it out when it is tough
comment on the strength is gives her and the team spirit and sportsmanship
Commitment is a principle not taken lightly

Most people watch tv. Most 10 year olds sad g tv. It's completely fine. Your addict comment is sorry insane.

Let her be. Stop with the competitive sports! Go swimming together or a walk and have fun.

Seems to me you are fixed on her high achieving maybe you should ask yourself is it for you or for her?

You have to get over it I’m afraid. I had this unconscious fantasy that my DD would be just like me. I get it. It was a shock, I think it took me until she was 4 years old though for the realisation to truly sink in. She’s 11 now and yes she is still very different and that’s ….. okay. She is her own person.

OP, I was a bit like your daughter when I was younger. Not with sports but I was talented in music, drawing, etc. So I probably could have done well but like her I cba. I just didn't love these activities enough to invest that much time in them. We didn't watch much TV but I did read a lot (I mean a LOT, easily five books a week, sometimes more).

Making her go won't achieve anything. She'll just want to do it even less. I'd let her keep trying different things, I don't think it matters whether or not she sticks to it. You don't expect her to be a professional athlete anyway (it sounds like she doesn't want that in any case) so it really doesn't matter.

I would limit screen time to a reasonable amount and then let her get on with it and find herself, so long as she is doing well academically.

I have DDs that are polar opposites and also very different from me.
I think you are subconsciously trying to make your DD more like you even though I know you think you are not.

Your language about her isn’t very nice- saying she is a “I can’t” personality vs your “go getter” personality plus calling her “lazy” for wanting to stay home on a weekend.

Frankly your head needs a wobble. Your DD sounds more introverted than you. So competing on a top team would be a complete nightmare. Most introverts are happy to do sports or be in competitions, but they really don’t want the pressure and attention of being on the top team. They are more likely to compete with themselves, than want to be competitive against others. This is why an individual sport where you don’t compete but work towards goals…like if cycling go do a century, or if martial arts work towards that black belt, or swimming work on swimming three miles. You seem to have been pushing sports that you’d like to do. Perhaps chat with her about what she likes.

When it comes to the weekend, there is nothing lazy about staying home and recharging your batteries with mindless TV or other relaxing things like reading or art or another hobby. Perhaps a quiet individual hobby is something she needs?

As she gets older, academics get more demanding so it’s only right she should be doing less activities than as a younger child.

If you can think of any child-friendly titles you'd recommend, @DorotheaFrazil, I'd be all ears. Thanks!

The Matthew Syed book is called You Are Awesome and it's not bad. My kids are so bored of me talking about the growth mindset and the "power of yet" 😂

I agree, the growth mindset issue is one that might be in there. Perfectionism in girls is a real problem, I think A Mighty Girl had a really good blog post about it with some books for parents and some journals for girls.

I have an agreement with my daughter (8) that she does swimming, piano and football every week. So long as she does that and her home work I am not going to control her screen time. This has worked for us and she has found things she likes to do, like art and dance, that she has intrinsic motivation to do.

Intrinsic motivation is really what you're talking about, isn't it? The trouble is, it has to come hand in hand with autonomy. I don't have answers about that. I know it was very frustrating for me and mostly involved letting go completely. Also my child needs down time. My husband is the same. Hours and hours of it. I had to accept that too.

She is trying to tell you that she doesn't want the pressure OP. Back off and let all the decisions come from her. Limit tv if you have to.

@DorotheaFrazil thank you I will look into the fixed mindset. I think that may be the case. And I'm guilty of that too! Her school may be a bit like this too, they don't let you on the B team if you're selected for the A team. You either accept or leave the position. They view it as a privilege to be asked and if you decline that's 'your problem' as well as you not being allowed to take away the chance from someone on the lower teams when you could be on a higher team.

10 is a funny sort of age really.I remember reading somewhere that 10/11 year olds see life as a mountain! Shes coming up to Puberty /Senior School as well.She quite probably feels a little overwhelmed! The problem is by forcing her you will put her off altogether.Can you find an activity together maybe ,Tennis ,swimming and do on.Quite often children get pushed into things they dont enjoy and it backfires.TV is a non threatening way of looking at the world.Does she have friends she could go for a cycle or swim with?Many sports teams are very pushy and even talented kids can feel "not good enough" Try not to compare her to you ,if shes happy and doing well at School Subjects she may like Dance or something else like that

@ehb102 I like that you have three activities that are just 'done'
The thing is I view activities such as sports in the same way as maths. Would I just say don't worry about your maths do your own thing? No. So I try to treat sports the same as imo in some ways they are more important. Maths you can catch up on but for sports, once you're lazy and less inclined it is much harder to get back into.

However I accept I am not getting it right.

Anecdotally all my friends with children seem to have what we've called " the big push back" from about 8 onwards. It seems to happen more in the families where activities are encouraged rather than left to be led by the child's interests.

I don't know, as I don't have children. I was a very competent but unmotivated child who did just fine at school and developed hobbies later in life.

I am like your daughter. I too love tv, many millions do! It's really not the end of the world! I'm not remotely a high achiever but I still manage to maintain a job and a family. I like to think I could have achieved more but I don't aspire to it, I like a laid back, quiet life.

Regarding the sports, it's important to keep fit, but if your daughter doesn't want to take it to the next level competitively, I don't really see why that's a problem - not everyone is cut out for competitive sport.

You should focus on setting minimum expectations with her. I think insisting she participates in a sport is reasonable - but I don't think you should be pushing her to be in the best teams. Maybe one other hobby. She needs to maintain her grades. Beyond that - her time is her own.

I have a similar problem with my DD10. ( nearly 11) I’m not particularly pushy but I get extremely frustrated at her lack of interest in hobbies / interests that all her peers engage in. She used to dance, ride and swim before Covid and has only resumed swimming because we’ve insisted. I’ve told her she needs another class but apart from a brief interest in football has shown no interest in anything. ( other than You Tubers…. False nails, lip gloss 😫). When she tells me she hates reading I die a little bit inside (#joking). We live on the edge of London too but even if I plan a trip to a museum/ show she complains about feeling sick on the train and is a complete fun sponge. I acknowledge that I get frustrated because she has a million more opportunities to participate in activities than I had. I also acknowledge that lockdown really interrupted her development and this screen addiction is in large part to that period. My solution has been to introduce screen free Monday which is unpopular but not as much as i
imagined. She tends to do some art or we play a board game. I’ve also bought tickets for experiences rather so we can get out and about more.

Tv isn't anyone's passion, it's a highly effective relaxation and escape method. One where there are no pressures on you and where you can easily not have to think about much. There is nothing wrong with it, if it is being over used it could be an indication that the person might be overwhelmed.

Rather than force her into even higher pressure situations how about you suggest hobbies where achieving isn't the aim so much? Canoeing, going to the theatre, guides, climbing etc basically where they aim is enjoyment not being 'better'. Lots of places run 'just for fun' sessions