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Original poster

How do monologuers keep thinking of things to say?

109 replies

Fuckstix · 07/01/2023 21:16

I don't mean any offence by this but I've come across quite a few people in my time who are happy to simply talk at you, going into great detail about their lives and opinions, rather than converse. Many are aware of this. I've got better at politely not entertaining it but it still occurs sometimes.

My mum is one, a woman I work with occasionally is another to an extreme extent. As in, I knew about her menstrual cycle, contraception usage, travel history, marital issues, sons health, husband's career, neighbours etc etc before I think she had even remembered my name. She just didn't stop.

Today, my mum rang to ask me how my holiday to Italy was with my partner who is from there. Within 2 minutes, she had launched into a detailed account of a coach trip she took years ago in a totally different part of the country.

It has got me wondering how people like this keep thinking of stuff to say and why others' input is so unimportant to them.

Honestly this isn't a critical post of enthusiastic talkers, I am genuinely interested! If you have any insight, I would be so interested to hear it.

OP posts:
stbrandonsboat · 07/01/2023 22:05

I think they're extreme egotists with absolutely no self awareness or respect for others beyond what is superficially expected perhaps. They can't even meet basic standards of conversation and are probably rather dim as well.

smileyeye · 07/01/2023 22:06

My mum just repeats the same stories over and over.

stormywaves · 07/01/2023 22:11

They go on repeat... just say the same thing in a slightly different way.

I work with 2 monologuers to varying degrees. One can keep going for 20/30 mins. The other gets the hint after 5.

I will quite happily listen to someone for 20 mins if what they say is worth listening to but 99% of monologues are usually just inane rubbish. Especially frustrating if they have asked a question and not shut up to allow someone to answer. They just go on about the question...

Original poster
Fuckstix · 08/01/2023 07:30

Agree that repetition is a big part of it. My mum has told me many stories several times over. The woman at work was a different matter though (although I heard her repeating herself to other people about the vagaries of her preferred holiday destination). It was just as though she had a generator for minor and major facts about her life that never stopped! I just can't imagine a stranger wanting to know about my periods, for instance, or income, and proceeding to tell them but she did and more...

OP posts:
Nosecamera · 08/01/2023 07:39

I had a lodger like this, anyone new to the house would know her life history within 30 mins of meeting her. Sometimes I would start my own conversation with her while she was talking, she wouldn't notice I wasn't responding to what she was saying. She ran with a very chemical fueled social scene, was the life an sole of the party bit did touch drugs and had no idea her friends did untill I told her. She also had attachment issues and although very clever, a pretty shaky grasp on how adult life worked and the world around her in general. For a while she was put on anti depressants and the change was amazing, she noticed other people and asked about their well being and could have a conversation.
I think the contemporary diagnosis would be some type of neurodiversity.

Mummadeze · 08/01/2023 07:42

Hmm, I don’t think I monologue for ages and I definitely do ask other people questions but I know I definitely overshare and tell people intimate and private things too soon. I think it is partly because talking about my problems to loads of people helps me not worry about them / solve them. I also build a quick rapport with certain people who are similar and I like that feeling. Occasionally I regret my words and wish I hadn’t divulged as much, and I would say I have got better at not doing it at work because I started to feel unprofessional. It is part of my make up though to speak before I speak or tell all at the slightest encouragement. I think it is a personality trait.

Mummadeze · 08/01/2023 07:43

Speak before I think I mean

thewinterwitch · 08/01/2023 07:46

It really is a skill to talk for so long with barely taking a breath. There is no tiny pause to insert yourself into the monologue with an extreme talker, and if you do I find they snap impatiently, Just let me finish this story! Twenty minutes/two hours later... I have known quite a few. Can't imagine living with one.

whatsdiswhatsdat · 08/01/2023 07:53

My gran does this. She just picks a point in her life and starts talking about it chronologically. She can go forever. She doesn't care whether or not you're responding, nodding, or even looking at her.

I'd say she's emotionally immature and developmentally stunted to be honest. She does eventually ask about other people but it's rare.

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 08/01/2023 07:59

Can I ask, how do you politely get through to these people and stop them? Mid flow? Wait for them to finish? Do it subtly or do you quite obviously stop listening and do something else?

How do you do it? ( I never know how to you see and end up stood like a lemon for the duration)

I have said “I need to stop you there” before now but feel so awful and rude.

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 08/01/2023 08:00

AND what if they don’t get the message? What then?

Humphriescushion · 08/01/2023 08:03

I have a friend like this, I realised she lists things when she is telling a story so the story goes on and on and on……
i now count how many things in the lists to see if she can beat her record so I get less bored.Grin

EVHead · 08/01/2023 08:05

My dad was like this! There were certain trigger words I would avoid because I knew they would set him off on one of his monologues that I’d heard a thousand times before.

Most people learned to “Uh-huh” at the relevant places, while not paying attention.

AnyMucca · 08/01/2023 08:12

They ask you a question and when you reply with a trigger word i.e. Spain or hospital, that is their shoe-in to recount endless drivel about 1985 or was it 89, no wait it was 88 when they were in Spain and..... You look at your watch 30 minutes later and they've progressed to a distant relatives bunions and they still don't know FA about you. So far up their own arse they don't care who is listening any more.

beachhutenvy · 08/01/2023 08:17

I know people like this and is really tedious.

Worse after lockdown as it seemed like they'd forgotten how to behave in social settings.

One went on about a TV programme that she was binge watching. I said I didn't watch it. She then described in excruciating detail the characters and plot.

I sort of laughed and said I don't know the show so I don't really have any opinion.

Luckily she did Hmm

Original poster
Fuckstix · 08/01/2023 08:20

So many interesting points! I can understand how talking through one's life can be a comfort. I actually work with another woman who has anxiety and is very likeable but again, talks about her life constantly, very rarely asking anything or listening to answers. I didn't include her in my OP as it seems there is something more at play. Perhaps there is a less apparent level of anxiety at play with a lot of those who want to talk through every detail and eventuality then if nobody reacts in a worrying way, it helps soothe them

Yes definitely trigger words setting off the flow. Extreme Monologuer mentioned in OP will take any spurious connection as cue to start off on a topic. 'Oh, someone mentioned going on holiday to Greece! I will start on about my favourite destination in huge, huge detail!'.

Listing as well, just having no idea of how much people really want to hear or are interested in. It's like mentally unpacking a suitcase.

I think emotional immaturity is another thing, or unworldliness, maybe?

OP posts:
Kucingsparkles · 08/01/2023 08:23

FiL does this all the time, generally the same stories over and over again. It's impossible to have a conversation with him.

whatisforteamum · 08/01/2023 08:25

I can easily talk too much.Im my case I grew up in a large noisy family where silence meant DM was angry so I think of silence as an atmosphere.
Same in that I work in noisy environment.
I think my anxiety makes me chat on and recently I'm persuing an ADHD diagnosis as I do have symptoms according to the online tests.
I have loads of ideas and thoughts and love others opinions too.It is a way of bonding and sharing experience,s.
I have no idea how anyone can be quiet!

IncessantNameChanger · 08/01/2023 08:26

It's just poor self awareness and poor socail skills. I have been guilty of this in the past, I simply wasn't aware I was doing it. My friend pointed it out so I took a long hard look at myself. I have to consciously make myself contribute 50% or less to a convo and actively avoid my current major worries.

for me it's just brain dumping

WhatNoRaisins · 08/01/2023 08:28

Do they even realise they are doing it? I don't think I've ever seen a monologuer come on to one of these threads and give their perspective on it.

That said I've seen threads where people complain about people interrupting them when they speak and suspect at least some of them are monologuers. To an outsider the interaction could look like person A monologuing and person B just assuming they are in a 2 way conversation so when person As oxygen supply finally runs out and they have to pause to take a break person B just makes a normal addition to the conversation.

SheWoreYellow · 08/01/2023 08:28

I think sometimes they think they’re being entertaining and everyone else is very quiet and boring.

Original poster
Fuckstix · 08/01/2023 08:30

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 08/01/2023 07:59

Can I ask, how do you politely get through to these people and stop them? Mid flow? Wait for them to finish? Do it subtly or do you quite obviously stop listening and do something else?

How do you do it? ( I never know how to you see and end up stood like a lemon for the duration)

I have said “I need to stop you there” before now but feel so awful and rude.

Depends how well I know them. I will say to my mum, and my lovely brother's wife will say to him 'can you just tell me very briefly/ the headlines/ the outcome'. Of course I wouldn't do this with upsetting news, for instance. Alternatively I will and have ended conversations with my mum when she is going on about herself. DB is a monologuer too but a much more interesting and funny one, it isn't about the minutiae of his life, so I can tolerate that a lot more.

In company at work, I will jump in and say quite finally 'ok, great!' And people will often realise theyre going on. Alternatively 'great! I'm just going to do X/ concentrate for a bit'.

I've tried attempting to balance the conversation but there is zero point.

I think that serial monologuers don't care about your/ my time or boredom so we can feel justified in not protecting their feelings as much as say, if someone who doesn't make a habit of this goes into a bit of a diatribe or has something on their mind.

OP posts:
Autumnisclose · 08/01/2023 08:36

My DM does this. She's wonderful in many ways, but extremely obsessed. Every time you say something , she has a habit of bringing it back to her self followed by a long boring monologue. I let her yabber on and at the end I leave a silent gap ,then say you've told me that before. It's annoying.

My sister is ND and cannot hold a to and fro conversation. She just talks at you and once she's said her piece and you try and speak, she just starts looking around. I just don't share anything with her. Not that she would notice if I did !

SpaceshiptoMars · 08/01/2023 08:39

I have a friend like this. She's got worse over the years, and I tolerated it because she was very kind to me as a child. However, it got a bit too much, so I tried something new. I let her rattle on until she mentioned something vaguely interesting, and then I interrupted mercilessly. Peppered her with demands for details! She was quite startled, but happy I was showing real interest. Once I'd got the opportunity I kept going, changed the topic and kept firing questions. First real conversation we've had in ages!

PointlessPoster · 08/01/2023 08:41

When I was a care worker I once had to text my DH to get him to feign an emergency phone call so I could get away from my client who had talked non stop, without pausing for breath, for 1.5 hours. I think it's so rude. He ignored all my hints of looking at my watch, sighing etc. I call them "talkers". Met that same client again recently in hospital where I now work, he chewed the ear off some poor fellow patient in the ward for 2 hours solid. She was totally exhausted when she came to me for the procedure.