How do monologuers keep thinking of things to say?

[Fuckstix]

I don't mean any offence by this but I've come across quite a few people in my time who are happy to simply talk at you, going into great detail about their lives and opinions, rather than converse. Many are aware of this. I've got better at politely not entertaining it but it still occurs sometimes.

My mum is one, a woman I work with occasionally is another to an extreme extent. As in, I knew about her menstrual cycle, contraception usage, travel history, marital issues, sons health, husband's career, neighbours etc etc before I think she had even remembered my name. She just didn't stop.

Today, my mum rang to ask me how my holiday to Italy was with my partner who is from there. Within 2 minutes, she had launched into a detailed account of a coach trip she took years ago in a totally different part of the country.

It has got me wondering how people like this keep thinking of stuff to say and why others' input is so unimportant to them.

Honestly this isn't a critical post of enthusiastic talkers, I am genuinely interested! If you have any insight, I would be so interested to hear it.

I work with a lady like this, she's like a character from a sitcom she's so extreme!
She can literally launch into a 20 minute monologue before you've even said hello.
This too contains periods, bowel movements, problem neighbours etc etc. Always negativity.
She will often say, 'I told you this' and I don't if I've forgotten because I've switched off or She speaks so much she doesn't know what she's said to who.

There are quite a few different types, too. A family member likes to go into extreme detail about a piece of fabric she saw in a shop and the precise colour - which she will go into at lavish length "it was close to teal but more like Persian blue with a touch of turquoise but lighter than teal, and there was a slightly darker shade on the edge, which was closer to navy and yet more like petrol blue..." and that's just the start of it, because it's a paisely pattern and there are curls of different colour to clarify, on and on and on, in microscopic detail.

I know a woman who used to use me like her memoir-diary on the phone, and literally talk at me for two to three hours straight, even as I broke in every twnety minutes of so, and said, well, I really must go and lock the hens up/have a pee, or whatever, and she'd snap, let me finish! I have said to her, Just give me the highlights, and that didn't work. She could be extremely interesting on certain topics, but I could actually have recited a lot of her history back to her by the end. I felt like a cipher.

Other people are just really bores and narrate their inner monologue at you. I gather they have no interior life and perhaps are nervous, and mean no harm.

Others feel you are obviously dull and owe them your audience.

I view them all as small n narcissists. Ultimately, I have learnt to be quite rude to them and/or to avoid them wherever possible, but sometimes still I get caught like a fly in their talking web. It's a horrible feeling being talked at, I think, especially by draining people.

DH can be like this. I remember one excruciating time when he would just not shut up. It's a combination of anxiety, bring friendly, being a terrible listener and having some autistic traits including being unable to see non verbal cues.

I came to after surgery to one of these at the foot of the bed! Like a nightmare 😦It only ceased when I rang the bell for a sickbowl and threw up 😨

I have a friend like this. I think she has become worse since lockdown as she lives alone and now permanently works from home so very little interaction with people in person.

If you try and interject at any point to ask a question or try and turn it into a conversation she just talks louder!

I know it’s mean but I now only meet up with her in a group as it’s too draining otherwise.

I know a few people like this. I seem to attract people who are neurodiverse or a little different into my life, I’m beginning to suspect. Probably because I’m nd too.

It isn’t something that bothers me. It’s relatively harmless in the greater scheme of things. I could see with my elderly dad, who mostly had good conversational habits, that indulging in a monologue seemed deeply regulating in some way.

Why is it so important to have an equally balanced two way conversation with everybody? It’s clear that posters on this thread place a very high value on it, but can anyone explain why that compulsion runs deeper than treating someone with compassion and understanding?

The monologuer that instantly springs to my mind is my uncle. I would bet my life that he is undiagnosed austistic.

A very good friend of mine talks incessantly, which is different to monologuing as it's more a stream of consciousness rather than holding forth on one subject (which is what my uncle does, complete with the lists mentioned by pp), and in her case it stems from social anxiety combined with, imo, traits of autism and/or ADHD. She doesn't mind being interrupted though and we have the most amazing free flowing conversations about anything and everything.

I've known a few people like this. My friend who I haven't seen in years would give excruciating detail about phone calls between two other people where she wasn't even present at either end. I mean that's quite creative in a way but my goodness I really don't need to know made up details of a conversation she didn't even witness.

I think as to how they do it, it might be the same mechanism that means I cannot think of a single thing to say to someone until after we've parted, except theirs works in overdrive and mine is severely deficient. I do wonder if no-one has ever told them the process of a conversation, or are they so thick skinned any feedback rolls off them.

I think some people like this are ND - eg ADHD and/or ASD.
Eg I have a lovely friend who is very kind hearted and empathetic but she monologues like this and tells extremely personal things to complete strangers or close friends in the same way.
I have concluded it is part of her neuro diversity- a totally different way of viewing social interactions and difficulties in turn taking etc.

Alternatively you see it in very selfish people who are very emotionally stunted/narcissistic- where they are just not interested in other people and only want to talk about themselves.

I have much more patience for the former - it is possible to have proper interactions you just need to be quite blunt about it.

The latter are just people to avoid imo. Shame when it's your own mother tho... (that's another story!!)

They just externalise their inner monologue. So like peoples internal thoughts, it gets inane and repetitive. I have a child like this, who talks constantly. I think he just hasn't developed the ability to talk inside his head yet! I think some adults never manage that, unfortunately.

Urgh I have a friend like this. She is an old old friend, if I met her now I wouldn’t have time for her. She has a very loud carrying voice and she just sets off and TALKS. She doesn’t listen/isn’t interested in responses. She will tell you about your own life rather than listen to you tell it. She is full of wrong assumptions and often puts her foot in it. She’s rude to waiters, bar staff etc and generally presumes she knows more than everyone about everything. She’s led a very sheltered life (Christian and very churchy, lives in her hometown, teaches at the same school we went to for secondary) so she truly doesn’t know more than me about my life, but she is convinced she does.

Sadly I think it comes down to her truly believing she (and her husband/DCs) are better than everyone else. She just thinks she’s got life sorted and is perfectly smug and happy.

Nice post Andsoforth. I agree with you, it's more important to be compassionate I think.

I agree. People forget that half of a conversation is listening to the other person. I agree it’s a very narcissistic trait. No one cares about the minutiae of their lives and typically it’s tedious AF

Oh I worked with someone like this. She was new to the team and on her first day she was shadowing me and by the end, I knew every single detail about her entire life, but I had also noticed that she hadn’t asked a single question about the team or department, or anything to do with the job.
and it didn’t get better as she also had a one year old baby (first job after maternity) so I had to listen to all the pfb stuff as well. I don’t recall her ever asking if I had children myself. But if I tried to mention them she immediately turned the conversation back to herself. She was just so rude and It was completely insufferable. I used to hide in other offices at lunch time to have a break. We just thought it was an arrogance thing.

my mum is similar to mentioned upthread - she will ask the questions and take part in a 2 way conversation, but always have a story to turn it back to, and it’s usually one we’ve already heard a dozen times. So we just glazed over and nod and smile at relevant points and pay zero attention. I think it’s more so she can feel relevant and included. It’s hilarious when my dad walks in and tells her to shush, that was then and this is now, let us speak (he means it in a good way, they love each other dearly)

Why is it so important to have an equally balanced two way conversation with everybody? It’s clear that posters on this thread place a very high value on it, but can anyone explain why that compulsion runs deeper than treating someone with compassion and understanding?

I'm not sure why you assume that these individuals have not been indulged at length - over years and decades, in my case - and listened to empathetically and in the case of the inner monologue narrators "and then I put the tea bag in and then I wondered will I have some sugar today? that reminds me of the time I had tea when Ron and I were camping..." as patiently and kindly and respectfully as one can summon. But I have had to distance myself from some of them, as they find me a captive listener and it has had detrimental affects on my health.

I am actually quite happy to just have 5% of the airtime, which is what I get with most people, and indeed encourage to a degree. With extreme talkers, the airtime allotted to me is reduced to 0.0005%, however.

If it's occasional, that's fine, especially if family or good friends. We all need to offload now and again. Certainly when my grandmother was in a nursing home, i was happy to sit and hear about whatever crossed her mind. I also have a great friend who will talk until she falls asleep but the difference is that she is interested in others, and listens.

However, i simply don't want to spend hours of my time in receipt of information that simply has no interest or relevance to me. It isn't reciprocated or fascinating in any way. I don't even think they get much out of it, other than as maybe a temporary release. The compassion aspect is one sided if they're treating me as a confessional (and not even for juicy sins, just data really).

It's important to have a balanced conversation because everybody has something to say, not just the talker. My sister does this, she's an academic and she talks about herself and her work constantly, with little interest in anything that others have got to say. She's so bad that she's dismissive of others' points and barely lets anyone else get a word in edgeways.

The rest of the family have interesting jobs and lives, but when she's there, she dominates the conversation and it's boring, repetitive, one-sided and just selfish.

A few weeks ago at a family gathering I brought it up when she wasn't listening to anyone who tried to speak. It seemed to fall on deaf ears!

She'd interrupt and turn the conversation back to herself. At one point, I was asked a question by another family member and she answered it in relation to herself!

Why is it ok for everybody else to be ignored to spare the feelings of someone who is self-obsessed?

Why is it so important to have an equally balanced two way conversation with everybody? It’s clear that posters on this thread place a very high value on it, but can anyone explain why that compulsion runs deeper than treating someone with compassion and understanding?

Because it makes you feel completely unimportant, you could be literally anyone. I do listen to people with empathy and allow them to talk but after a while it becomes draining and exhausting to have someone simply talking at you and showing absolutely zero interest in your life. Of course there are times when people need to vent and that’s fine but when it’s all the time it makes you feel completely insignificant and unheard yourself. I’m not referring to neurodiverse people, I’m talking about people that are merely self absorbed. Surely its empathic to allow everyone to be heard? Or are only certain people allowed to express themselves?

It isn’t something that bothers me. It’s relatively harmless in the greater scheme of things.

Also, rather uncompassionate to come on a thread where people are musing on their experience of being used by extreme talkers and say you're not bothered by it, and therefore we shouldn't be, and if we are bothered, then we should rise above it and be more compassionate! I don't think you are talking about the same thing we are. For me, I learnt that it isn't harmless and I need to protect myself from too much (or indeed any) exposure to these types, if it's possible.

I was talking to a really lovely autistic chap this. He monologues, and candidly admits that when other people talk in a conversation he has no interest in what they're saying. Now, I don't mean to imply that all monologuers are autistic, far from it, or that what other people say is never interesting to me. But I do think monologuers are missing the idea that conversation is reciprocal, and it's nice for the other person to have their turn at feeling valued and heard, even if they're not being especially informative or entertaining. I think one or two of the monologuers I know think they're amazing raconteurs, whereas actually their conversational partners just tend to have better manners than they do.

I think social media hasn't helped people learn the art of conversation. The format means posts are almost always "this is what I did/how I feel" rather than "how are you?/what have you been doing?" and people lose the habit of the back and forth nature of good conversation.

The only way to get out of it 😅

Yes this. I have a tendency to be like this when speaking with certain friends and family and noticed it for myself. I have to actively work at shutting my mouth in conversations. My Mum and Nan are the same so can only assume that's where I've learned it. Bloody awful trait.

Because it's incredibly dull and boring, but mostly mentally draining.

Are you suggesting that only ND people do this?

I have a friend like this.....we don't meet very often but when we do she will describe in great detail without drawing breath a recent work day / situation but as soon as the conversation turns to someone else (I've learnt to never meet her on my own, there is usually two or three others) she will pick up her phone and start scrolling away or will go to the loo. I could message her now and ask her where I work and she would not have a clue. She is so self absorbed. And rude also but I don't think she's aware she does it.

My mum is a bit the same. I have had Covid and been poorly with it, she was aware I wasn't sleeping but seemed to ring me during the day as I was napping regardless of the fact I'd told her I couldn't speak. She's moaned to my dad that it feels like I don't want to talk to her lately (just prioritising breathing mum). When I rang her yesterday finally feeling better she did ask me how I was but then launched into a story about her friends son (lives at the other side of the country, never met him, wouldn't know him from Adam) and her neighbours recent conception issues. Drives me mad and occasionally I will say that I don't feel comfortable discussing private issues about a person I have never met or don't really know and this seems to upset her!

@Iheartmysmart
Are we part of the same friendship group. I’ve had to do exactly the same with a friend who has got worse and worse during lockdown.