How do monologuers keep thinking of things to say?

[Fuckstix]

I don't mean any offence by this but I've come across quite a few people in my time who are happy to simply talk at you, going into great detail about their lives and opinions, rather than converse. Many are aware of this. I've got better at politely not entertaining it but it still occurs sometimes.

My mum is one, a woman I work with occasionally is another to an extreme extent. As in, I knew about her menstrual cycle, contraception usage, travel history, marital issues, sons health, husband's career, neighbours etc etc before I think she had even remembered my name. She just didn't stop.

Today, my mum rang to ask me how my holiday to Italy was with my partner who is from there. Within 2 minutes, she had launched into a detailed account of a coach trip she took years ago in a totally different part of the country.

It has got me wondering how people like this keep thinking of stuff to say and why others' input is so unimportant to them.

Honestly this isn't a critical post of enthusiastic talkers, I am genuinely interested! If you have any insight, I would be so interested to hear it.

Eh? What did I “do”? I explained my perspective! I offered an alternative point of view!

Is that really so objectionable to you? You need to have a good hard look at yourself if you really feel “shut down” by another person telling you what they think.

I have an elderly relative that does this. And I know part of it is because she is lonely. But people can’t bear to be stuck in her company because she just talks at them and word vomits into their ears. And it’s always the same stories. Always about people we have never met or who are long dead. She rarely asks about you and if she does or if you start a conversation with her about you or something that is important to you, within 3 minutes tops you’re back listening to a story about her dad, or cousin or next door neighbour from three houses ago, if you’re lucky it’s one that you’ve only heard once or twice before. You’re trapped and you can’t join in on other more interesting conversation that’s happening in the room because there isn’t a gap in the monologue for you to escape. It’s painful and she’s always been like that so it’s not entirely associated with her age but that doesn’t help.

in family gatherings you have to take it in shifts to sit in front of her blankly while she talks at you, you can never risk seeing her when you are short of time - did it recently, had to stop her mid sentence and say, will you get to the point I have to leave - there was no point.

It is so rude and frustrating.

But your 'side of the conversation' is completely misunderstanding the topic here and chastising those trying to discuss it.

We've had a lot of flannel about being more compassionate. Just be Kind! Be Kinder! etc and now How very dare you insult us chatty types, from you.

It is disappointing to not get much airtime to discuss this curious phenomenon, as the topic is continually being sidelined and railroaded by people who are convinced they know what is being discussed, but clearly don't.

Owwwmum

The OP asked for input on why some people do something from those people. As one, I responded in a way typical of that group. But have now been criticised for doing that.
I have heard and taken on board your difference of opinion. As you describe, everyone is telling me that they don’t like it. That’s fine. But now I’m wrong for feeling shut down.

I gave my view as the OP asked and now I’m taking on board that I should be quiet and go away and take a good hard look at myself.

I think some people are just natural story tellers, it's how they communicate. I'm def a storyteller.

The problem comes when you don't know when to start or when to stop. It took me a while to realise that just because people were interested in my stories, they didn't always need to hear them.

My DS is a storyteller and I'm working really hard to help him understand this. It's difficult - especially if you're the kind of person that thinks you have an obligation to amuse people when you speak to them.

@BelenaConhamHarter that’s a great post. Thank you

3 out the four friends I do have do this and each one of the 3 do have some form of neurodiversity.( I have adhd myself but I’m pretty self aware)

it never used to bother me too much but lately when I’ve needed a friend myself they’re not there.

they repeat themselves go on and on about their lives without drawing breath, never ever ask how I am and I just avoid them whenever I see them ringing.

just can’t be arsed wasting an hour of my life being talked at by people who repeat themselves and go completely silent if I dare mention anything about myself.

I put one of my friends on mute once and had a complete conversation with one of my eldest daughters for 5 mins, friend never drew breath once and didn’t even notice.

Before anyone comes at me, I am not mentally well myself and I come away from the phone feeling even more lonely isolated and upset.

I can’t keep doing that.

I'm not convinced it's the same as being chatty or extravert. You can be very chatty but know how to have a conversation and be a person who asks questions and shows genuine interest in the people they are talking to. If anything an extravert who derives their energy from being around others may well have a higher need for reciprocal interaction with them.

It's definitely not just being a more talkative person.

Talking at someone nonstop for an hour solid is not "being chatty"! Nor is ignoring ordinary social cues, or attempts to speak, and steamrollering over them.

I understand this. Too much time around someone who only treats you like a sounding board, an inanimate object effectively, can feel very dehumanising.

Why is it so important to have an equally balanced two way conversation with everybody? It’s clear that posters on this thread place a very high value on it, but can anyone explain why that compulsion runs deeper than treating someone with compassion and understanding?

I suppose because people want to feel that they are being listened to also, and not just that they are there as an audience for someone's stream of consciousness.

Compassion and understanding surely goes both ways - where is the compassion and understanding for the person who has to sit for 30 minutes and be talked at nonstop? It can actually be quite a selfish thing to monopolise the conversation all the time.

Incidentally, many of the people who do this have no patience for listening to other peoples stories or ideas.

There's more than one reason why someone might be like this, as PPs have said.

I agree some people are storytellers, others are lonely, others miss social cues. These people can be tiresome. I can think of several people in my life who would fit one of these explanations. But the worst monologuer I know is simply focused on himself. He's not engaged in conversation as he's not interested in what other people have to say. He's not interested in other people full stop.

This is really interesting- so you mean that even with small points you like to give a full narrative, context and decision making? But then have to watch that this doesn't dominate the conversation.

I have a relative who monologues. I really don't think she realises how other people feel about it. When I and other family members have tried to gently speak to her about it or suggest she just gives us the main points of a story, or tries to change the subject, she says we won't understand the story without all the details and/or says we're clearly just not interested in hearing about what she's been doing. She is now in her 70s but has been like this all my life and probably before that too.

She doesn't tend to share particularly personal details or repeat stories, but she just makes what could be a short comment in to hours of monologue. For example, the short version could be 'I went to town yesterday and saw Helen- she's just got a new baby granddaughter, how lovely'. Instead she'll start the story with her thought process about whether she would go to town or just to the supermarket, then a full explanation of what she went for, how she got there, which shops she did and did not go in to, who she thought she might see but didn't. Digressing along the way about what she saw in the shops, how this compares with other shopping expeditions, shops that used to be in town but are now closed, what she bought in the sales last year etc. When she eventually gets to the bit where she bumped in to Helen she will tell us Helen's life history, when she last saw her, what her adult children do for a living and where they live, how often they visit her, what cars they drive etc. Then after she's told us the news about the new grandchild she'll give us a list of each of her friends, how many children and grandchildren they have, what all their names are, how old they are etc.

It's very sad really because I know she'd like family to phone her or pop in for a chat more often but all of us are put off because we know there's no such thing as a quick chat with her.

I have a few of these at my work.

It can be painful.

I find ending conversations excruciating. They go on and on and on. My choices are then to a) really bluntly just finish the conversation with "ok, great!" and then turn around, or b) politely respond with one line about me. For example "yes, I love Indian food too. We went to the restaurant on the high street last night, it was lovely" and hope to just end the conversation there.

But it never works. They then launch into everytime they've been to that restaurant, everything they ordered, every other restaurant on the high street that they've been to.

It's utterly tedious. One young woman who I work with, early/mid 20s, whenever you do make a small response, instead of saying "lovely" or asking you a question about it or whatever, will just look at you for a minute, purse her lips for a second, obviously thinking about what tangent she's going to go off on, and then she just launched into it.

There is a kind of one up man shop to it and it is so tiresome.

I dread getting into conversation with her now because it's so hard to draw the convo to a close.

@Stupidbonfire its not about being a chatty person. I love nothing better than having a cup of tea and putting the world to rights. I could talk the hind legs of a donkey sometimes. But I listen as well.
But imagine working next to a person for 6months who has never thought in that time, to ask a single question about yourself? But you know that colleagues entire life history, and the entire history of their parents and grandparents, and every tiny detail about their child. But they have never once asked you anything about your children or family or life etc. it’s more than chattyness, it’s being so utterly self absorbed that it makes you unbearable to be around

Interesting. My mother does both of those things, the monologuing and the looking around when I eventually say something.

My own sister is unbelievably long winded but she does actually listen if you get a word in.

My father in law just repeats the same stories over and over. Its so draining!

Omg this thread was super long and chatty

This type of person, exactly! Not those who love a good chat and want to know about others.

I don't understand your last sentance? The op has asked why people talk AT people. I have said its a trait I can fall into. I also suspect I'm ND. So I have to work at being mindful to listen 50% of the time. How is that not me being compassionate or understanding? The listener and talkers feeling are equally (50%) valid surely? Say I talk AT people because I'm lonely, or stressed or ND, or a narc, or as I presume socially incompetent. Why should people just be kind and suffer at my droning on? It's amazing having insight into your own shortcomings. Imagine how mortified you feel at being told you monologue. Then deciding that person is being unkind as they want to be asked things and listened too in turn? I used to think I was a great listener. I'm dillusional!

@Fuckstix

Not every small point. More like if someone wants help or advice, I struggle to just say 'do x' and end up with a whole 'I knew this woman once who...'.

Occasionally this can be useful as people remember things more when it comes as a story.

But also I tend to launch into a story when I think I'm empathising with someone. I need to be really careful to remember that some times people just need me to listen.

Fortunately most people I interact with know the end of the story will finish with me going ...'but that must have been a lot, how are you feeling about it now?' (or similar).

I don't think this is quite the same as monologging though. I def know people who just start talking about absolutely nothing and keep going if you leave a room.

I get both can be a PITA

My sibling is one. Mum used to put the phone down, go make the bed, pick up again, say “Uh huh, mmm” and then go and do another chore.
Currently have 3 others we know in addition, and one of them has raised a child version who barely takes breaths between stories.
I think for them, simply nothing they experience can be considered boring or too unworthy to relate. They’re the stars of the show, the main protagonists. After hours of talking I’ve noticed they sometimes guiltily squeeze in a “And how are you?” but that’s not because they are interested. Their own inner world and thoughts are their primary interest, so of course you must feel the same. Stars don’t need input, just an audience.
Whereas, I know I am boring.

Big difference between being chatty/talkative and monologging.

The former is reciprocal for all involved.

The latter is rude and soul sucking to be the recipient.