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Original poster

Is anyone happy with what they get for child maintenance?

162 replies

greipfaa · 04/01/2023 19:40

I have another thread on this and can’t link it. Feeling frustrated and deflated and like the piss is being taken. Ex has huge savings and about to give up a high paying job. So apparently our daughter has nothing from him.

OP posts:
Goodgrief82 · 06/01/2023 09:02

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 06/01/2023 08:00

It's quite common to have clauses about maintenance reducing when the receiving partner begins to cohabit/marries with someone else (to the Pp asking).
I can see that from both sides. On one hand the kids don't suddenly begin to cost less when their parent gets a new partner-but on the other hand the parents costs are Often Halved with their new partner and it seems unfair that the paying parent continues to subsidise the lifestyle in any way of the (new) family unit to the same degree.

It’s in my consent order that maintenance reduced if a partner moves in

the PP said her ex even forbid a partner staying over the night

Goodgrief82 · 06/01/2023 09:02

or rather maintenance stops

Goodgrief82 · 06/01/2023 09:07

Brotherlove · 05/01/2023 18:53

Given that's it's CMS who have told me he is claiming benefits and they know he's working, I have to assume it's UC top ups.
Nothing illegal about that....but it's reduced CMS to just £7 per week for 4 children!!!

Show quote history

Ah ok but I only raised because you said “he could be claiming he’s no longer working”

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Goodgrief82 · 06/01/2023 09:08

UnknownElement · 06/01/2023 08:50

If all absent parents paid the correct maintenance I’m sure many children would be lifted out of the poverty stats.

As much as many people are against a cashless society @Heatherjayne1972 ex is a perfect example of why there are some positives to a cashless society. Harder to skip maintenance plus I assume he isn’t declaring this to HMRC. People complain about business tax issues but the black economy is also robbing the public purse of billions.

And that is precisely why they should be reported

musingsinmidlife · 06/01/2023 11:43

There are many mothers who are financial bums as well - they live off benefits and CM and maybe a part time job. They are not putting in 100% effort to make as much as possible to contribute a fair share of the financial responsiblity. There are still many with the traditional belief that men are meant to be the financial providers and that the household and child expenses are their duty - married or not. Many women have the view that as women, they are to be taken care of and that financial independence or financial responsibility for a household should not fall on them. We see these attitudes on threads on here all the time - relationship and dating threads. Some men are fine taking on that gender role when they are benefiting in return during a marriage by their wife doing the traditional women's role but post marriage when there are no benefits to them, they now resent still being seen as the family provider. I think it will be another generation or two before women abdicating financial responsibility for themselves and their family is seen similar to men abdicating domestic responsibilities for themselves and their family. I reinforce the importance of financial responsiblity to all the young women in my life - getting away from traidtional gender roles will help everyone.

Goodgrief82 · 06/01/2023 12:27

musingsinmidlife · 06/01/2023 11:43

There are many mothers who are financial bums as well - they live off benefits and CM and maybe a part time job. They are not putting in 100% effort to make as much as possible to contribute a fair share of the financial responsiblity. There are still many with the traditional belief that men are meant to be the financial providers and that the household and child expenses are their duty - married or not. Many women have the view that as women, they are to be taken care of and that financial independence or financial responsibility for a household should not fall on them. We see these attitudes on threads on here all the time - relationship and dating threads. Some men are fine taking on that gender role when they are benefiting in return during a marriage by their wife doing the traditional women's role but post marriage when there are no benefits to them, they now resent still being seen as the family provider. I think it will be another generation or two before women abdicating financial responsibility for themselves and their family is seen similar to men abdicating domestic responsibilities for themselves and their family. I reinforce the importance of financial responsiblity to all the young women in my life - getting away from traidtional gender roles will help everyone.

But the difference between these mothers and the equivalent father is that in the vast vast majority of cases…. These mothers are the RP

musingsinmidlife · 06/01/2023 12:57

Goodgrief82 · 06/01/2023 12:27

But the difference between these mothers and the equivalent father is that in the vast vast majority of cases…. These mothers are the RP

Show quote history

Yes, in traditional role families, the woman sacrifices career and the man sacrifices family so they will rarely be the RP if they were the financially responsible one who worked while she was at home with the children. There is no way they will have been able to spend the time she did with the kids and doing child related activities if they were the ones working and responsible for all or most family related expenses. The father are still the financial RP - just not the childcare RP - reflecting the traditional role in the marriage. Until we equalize both - men taking on domestic and child responsibility and women taking on financial responsibility, men won't get RP in court - they will get CM and other expenses.

Goodgrief82 · 06/01/2023 13:02

If you had to crystallise your point in a sentence with regard to CMS and fathers, non RP avoiding paying maintenance or paying the bare minimum or disguising their true earnings to pay the minimum…. What would it be @musingsinmidlife because I’m afraid I don’t “get it” from your posts

TheDietStartsTomorrowOrMaybeTheDayAfter · 06/01/2023 13:02

I got nothing for 10 fucking years and before that he was on a DEO so he was never keen to
pay. Apparently I was ‘only interested in the money’!! Not sure what else I was supposed to be interested in!

DS is now an adult and I’m owed thousands and I’m finally getting £28 a month back in arrears payments. Not impressed.

Parky04 · 06/01/2023 13:09

caroleanboneparte · 05/01/2023 12:53

Never had a penny in 18 years.

My advice to younger women is only have DCs you can afford on your own and always keep working full time.

I totally agree with this. A lot of men don't really want children in the first place.

GreyCarpet · 06/01/2023 13:10

My ex pays £400 pcm for our child. He also paid maintenance for his stepson until he turned 18. We go halves on school train pass and uniform. He also gives her pocket money (£10 pw) for personal spends.

There's no adjustment either way if she spends more or less time (overnights) with either of us.

Never gone through cms. He just worked it out based on his salary and I've not questioned it. He's told me when he's had a payrise and the maintenance has gone up accordingly.

Thee are many, many things I could criticise him for but maintenance isn't one of them.

GreyCarpet · 06/01/2023 13:16

Oh and my exh prioritised sharing taking the children to their after school activities when he could in addition to his EOW contact + one night in the week.

Men who don't do this don't want to do it.

I'm aware I'm the 'default' parent but he has also always been the main parent to contact during term time if the children are ill at school on the understanding that he never does it during school holidays. When he hasn't been able to leave work to get them, I did.

Sartre · 06/01/2023 13:27

One thing I completely disagree with is step-children or even a new partner’s children counting in any way. I think it’s utterly shocking that any man pays less for his own children because he has to support someone else’s.

Crazycrazylady · 06/01/2023 13:41

Ladies
Please make sure you keep a record /proof of all monies you receive so that down the road when a lot of these deadbeats brag about all the money they sent to their children. , you have something to show the truth.

Beezknees · 06/01/2023 13:52

I get £300 a month for one child, I'm happy with that.

taxpayer1 · 06/01/2023 14:12

Beezknees · 06/01/2023 13:52

I get £300 a month for one child, I'm happy with that.

Does it cover all your child's expenses?

musingsinmidlife · 06/01/2023 15:53

taxpayer1 · 06/01/2023 14:12

Does it cover all your child's expenses?

Show quote history

Why would it need to cover all her child's expenses? It should cover half of them. She is a parent as well.

Kpo58 · 06/01/2023 16:23

musingsinmidlife · 06/01/2023 11:43

There are many mothers who are financial bums as well - they live off benefits and CM and maybe a part time job. They are not putting in 100% effort to make as much as possible to contribute a fair share of the financial responsiblity. There are still many with the traditional belief that men are meant to be the financial providers and that the household and child expenses are their duty - married or not. Many women have the view that as women, they are to be taken care of and that financial independence or financial responsibility for a household should not fall on them. We see these attitudes on threads on here all the time - relationship and dating threads. Some men are fine taking on that gender role when they are benefiting in return during a marriage by their wife doing the traditional women's role but post marriage when there are no benefits to them, they now resent still being seen as the family provider. I think it will be another generation or two before women abdicating financial responsibility for themselves and their family is seen similar to men abdicating domestic responsibilities for themselves and their family. I reinforce the importance of financial responsiblity to all the young women in my life - getting away from traidtional gender roles will help everyone.

Well that will never change until Childcare is properly subsidised by the government. Until then, it is often the case that the household will loose money if both adults work, compared to if only one of them does. Amazingly women who have been out of the workplace cannot just walk into a well paying job that covers the cost of living and childcare on their own, so often they do earn more by being of benefits and working part-time when their kids at school, as doing anything else financially penalises them.

taxpayer1 · 06/01/2023 16:33

musingsinmidlife · 06/01/2023 15:53

Why would it need to cover all her child's expenses? It should cover half of them. She is a parent as well.

Show quote history

I meant half the costs!

musingsinmidlife · 06/01/2023 16:34

Kpo58 · 06/01/2023 16:23

Well that will never change until Childcare is properly subsidised by the government. Until then, it is often the case that the household will loose money if both adults work, compared to if only one of them does. Amazingly women who have been out of the workplace cannot just walk into a well paying job that covers the cost of living and childcare on their own, so often they do earn more by being of benefits and working part-time when their kids at school, as doing anything else financially penalises them.

Show quote history

I agree. I think subsidized daycare should be available to anyone up to a certain income threshold or on a sliding scale.

While I think there are benefits to parents being at home with young children, the imbalance this creates in many families - for both parents - means the risks are also high. It decreases financial involvement for the stay at home parent and decreases domestic and parental involvement for the working parent. When families break up, those imbalances and lack of involvement in essential aspects of parenting create major issues.

taxpayer1 · 06/01/2023 16:37

Kpo58 · 06/01/2023 16:23

Well that will never change until Childcare is properly subsidised by the government. Until then, it is often the case that the household will loose money if both adults work, compared to if only one of them does. Amazingly women who have been out of the workplace cannot just walk into a well paying job that covers the cost of living and childcare on their own, so often they do earn more by being of benefits and working part-time when their kids at school, as doing anything else financially penalises them.

Show quote history

That is only true if the parent with care didn't have a good job to start with. Only If he/she works at NMW or close to it, it's better to be on benefits and then moan about all the amazing opportunities they lost for raising children.

Goodgrief82 · 06/01/2023 16:59

Crazycrazylady · 06/01/2023 13:41

Ladies
Please make sure you keep a record /proof of all monies you receive so that down the road when a lot of these deadbeats brag about all the money they sent to their children. , you have something to show the truth.

What’s that going to prove? Couldn’t he just say that he gave loads of cash?

ivegotthisyeah · 06/01/2023 17:03

Sartre · 06/01/2023 13:27

One thing I completely disagree with is step-children or even a new partner’s children counting in any way. I think it’s utterly shocking that any man pays less for his own children because he has to support someone else’s.

I 💯 agree my fathers children had an affair and got her pregnant so he has to pay for that one ( rightly so) then shacked up with a new woman with two kids so significantly reduced my children's cms. They have two good incomes coming into their house and I have one part time wage 😢 just not fair

SpinningFloppa · 06/01/2023 17:12

Goodgrief82 · 06/01/2023 16:59

What’s that going to prove? Couldn’t he just say that he gave loads of cash?

Show quote history

That’s what I was thinking, who cares if he lies? You will know the truth so doesn’t matter what he tells people he could say he offered you more but you wouldn’t take it anyway

HappyNewYear2023 · 06/01/2023 17:13

Yes I'm very happy with the money I get from the ex. Which is zero. He went to the CSA, hid money (self employed) and it come out as £100 a month.

Told him to stick it up his arse.

I'm very lucky that I don't need his money.