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Original poster

Feeling bitter about maintenance, how is this legal or fair?

77 replies

greipfaa · 04/01/2023 15:44

Ex has huge savings. He currently earns 75k but is taking 3 years out to do a PHD. DD is 1. This means I will have no help to pay nursery fees, I will struggle to work and pay for it. He’s 44 so hardly uni age and if I suddenly decided to do this DD would have nothing… how is this right? How can men get away with this? And yes,it’s almost always men. I’m upset/stressed and can’t believe this is allowed to happen. He’s got 300k in the bank and paid off a mortgage but because he is doing a course he doesn’t need to pay for his child?

OP posts:
Bestcatmum · 04/01/2023 15:46

Its disgusting, my ex didn't pay a penny for DS ever.

These men are not fathers, they are a useless waste of space and should be prosecuted.

Original poster
greipfaa · 04/01/2023 15:48

@Bestcatmum i honestly can’t believe it. It’s sick and totally disadvantages women statistically.

OP posts:
Pineconederby · 04/01/2023 15:59

I always say this but why isn’t it a criminal offence not to pay 50/50 until the child is 18 or 21? Totally agree that you don’t have the same rights - like you say, if you gave up, your child would have nothing. It’s despicable behaviour and you can only hope your child will judge him for who he really is when they are older.

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General money
America12 · 04/01/2023 16:08

Disgraceful behaviour. It's so hard for (usually) mothers because we generally don't abandon our children.

Porcinimushroom · 04/01/2023 16:16

Pineconederby · 04/01/2023 15:59

I always say this but why isn’t it a criminal offence not to pay 50/50 until the child is 18 or 21? Totally agree that you don’t have the same rights - like you say, if you gave up, your child would have nothing. It’s despicable behaviour and you can only hope your child will judge him for who he really is when they are older.

Don’t be silly, it needs to be taken from income, if he has none he doesn’t pay.

op this isn’t a nanny state. You chose this piece of shit to pro create with. I’m sure he conned you and you didn’t know and both of you agreed to have a baby , but that’s it, we are responsible for our choices, even when made in good faith.

Original poster
greipfaa · 04/01/2023 16:17

Porcinimushroom · 04/01/2023 16:16

Don’t be silly, it needs to be taken from income, if he has none he doesn’t pay.

op this isn’t a nanny state. You chose this piece of shit to pro create with. I’m sure he conned you and you didn’t know and both of you agreed to have a baby , but that’s it, we are responsible for our choices, even when made in good faith.

Show quote history

@Porcinimushroom yes and he should be responsible for his choices too. But he’s not.

OP posts:
Pineconederby · 04/01/2023 16:18

@Porcinimushroom - are you one of those absent fathers by any chance? No reason for maintenance to come from income at all! His child, he should pay towards its upkeep.

SpinningFloppa · 04/01/2023 16:20

I haven’t had a cm payment in 6 years as my ex “doesn’t work or claim benefits” sadly they can get away with it and nothing will be done, you will soon learn that cms don’t care sorry!

sunlovingcriminal · 04/01/2023 16:24

@Porcinimushroom why should maintenance be any different then say, mortgage repayments. If I chose to go and do a three year phd, my bank would still expect my mortgage to be paid. We couldn't just say- well Mr HSBC you chose to lend to Mr Bloggs- more fool you for expecting to be paid each month. No, the banks would repossess your house and they'd get their pound of flesh. Mr Bloggs would either have to use his savings or be homeless.

Yet, @op is meant to suck it up, even though her exH has oodles of cash in the bank.

Unfair. Wrong. Nothing to do with a nanny state. It should be a binding agreement which includes savings. Only if they are exhausted then clemency should be exercised.

Sunshinegirl82 · 04/01/2023 16:25

Ask for a variation OP, see the link above.

Sux2buthen · 04/01/2023 16:27

@Porcinimushroom I'm no gynaecologist but...

Yes it's bollocks. If we put the same amount financially into their care we'd be done for neglect.

WifeOfEddieMunson · 04/01/2023 16:27

You could make him the primary parent & have access at weekends, he'd have to pay for it then.

Bigbadfish · 04/01/2023 16:31

I wish we had a system like America where child support is based on earing potential and factors in expenses.

If he can earn that much he should ne charged at that rate

Stickytoff · 04/01/2023 16:31

I’m sure I’m being a fool to even suggest it but would he do 50/50 care while she is young. It might make him step up.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 04/01/2023 16:35

You should message him on face book. Congratulate him on his uni place and asks how he intends to provide for his dc whilst doing it... Do his friends know his plans?

MelchiorsMistress · 04/01/2023 16:40

The CMS and the rules around it are utter bullshit in this country, and unfortunately even where they could enforce payment they don’t use their power. It’s disgraceful.

That said though, plenty of mothers of young children receive support to go to university, so if it’s an opportunity available to mothers then it has to be available to fathers too. Otherwise we have to insist that no one is entitled to further education if they have dependent children unless they are employed at the same time.

Original poster
greipfaa · 04/01/2023 16:41

He won’t meet her because he thinks he was ‘forced into being a dad.’

despite us planning to have her.

so, no chance of 50/50 care

OP posts:
Sunshinegirl82 · 04/01/2023 16:42

It is possible to seek child support based on assets (including cash savings) have a look at the link above OP.

Original poster
greipfaa · 04/01/2023 16:43

@Sunshinegirl82 thanks, didn’t know about stocks and shares. I expect he will have moved his money around though, that’s the sort he is sadly. I will raise this though, thank you

OP posts:
Stickytoff · 04/01/2023 16:44

greipfaa · 04/01/2023 16:41

He won’t meet her because he thinks he was ‘forced into being a dad.’

despite us planning to have her.

so, no chance of 50/50 care

Yep that is what you would expect what an asshole.

Original poster
greipfaa · 04/01/2023 16:44

Stickytoff · 04/01/2023 16:44

Yep that is what you would expect what an asshole.

Show quote history

@Stickytoff its textbook isn’t it. I was well and truly fooled… thought he was a decent person.

OP posts:
Goldfishbowled · 04/01/2023 16:45

I know it’s too late and shouldn’t necessarily be this way. But this is why it’s a good idea to get married before having a child. You would have been entitled to some of those savings or home.

Sunshinegirl82 · 04/01/2023 16:45

In certain circumstances you can also make an application to the courts under Schedule 1 to the Children's Act 1989. Don't just accept it without exploring all the options - good luck!

Rainbowbritestar · 04/01/2023 17:06

My ex left me with two kids,cleared out the house of everything that wasn’t nailed down and 8k of debts

i had nothing,no money,no food,no heating and no furniture-he’d taken everything

the police just shrugged as he claimed it was all his stuff-sure,our babies cots where his to have a kip in,the nappies where for him to have a piss and their bottles where his in case he got thirsty

he started dealing hardcore drugs and was (at the time) minted-I’m talking 10k cash (minimum) in his back pocket and I’ve had £1 out of him in 26 years

the csa where worse than useless-he had no income as it was all cash and they refused to dig deeper-he was going on holiday left right and centre and splashing his cash all over the place

he ended up serving 7 years for the dealing-while in prison,he didn’t have to pay a penny

he got out and started up again with his dodgy dealings again-but on the surface it looks like he’s living a cleanish life

its so wrong-we should have a system like America where they can’t fart unless they pay-and society as a whole shouldn’t just accept it

nobody batted an eyelid at him not paying-it was taken as a given-if he didn’t want to pay,then he shouldn’t have to

if I’d have done the same,I’d have been next to him in prison