Feeling bitter about maintenance, how is this legal or fair?

[greipfaa]

Ex has huge savings. He currently earns 75k but is taking 3 years out to do a PHD. DD is 1. This means I will have no help to pay nursery fees, I will struggle to work and pay for it. He’s 44 so hardly uni age and if I suddenly decided to do this DD would have nothing… how is this right? How can men get away with this? And yes,it’s almost always men. I’m upset/stressed and can’t believe this is allowed to happen. He’s got 300k in the bank and paid off a mortgage but because he is doing a course he doesn’t need to pay for his child?

And yet if this same man were to apply for benefits, he’d be laughed out of the building, because he owns a house outright and has £300k sat in the bank.

There’s absolutely no logical reason why this money shouldn’t be considered when making a decision around maintenance. I’m imaging OP is in nowhere near as comfortable a position and is still required to feed, house and otherwise financially support her child.

I feel for you OP, the system is insane.

In Canada the system is much better in some ways (but worse in others).

Going back for education doesn't count and they'll assign you an income on paper even if you don't have one. Same with quitting your job or being self employed but making very little on the books.

Furthermore, childcare is seen as a necessary expense so is split pro rata to income or assigned income between the parents. So if one makes £25k and one makes £50k they're each paying 1/3 and 2/3 respectively of the bill. Doesn't matter who's day it falls on.

I wish the UK would get with the program and force both parents to support their child.

why would you be with a drug dealer for 26yrs in the first place,you knew what a loser he is but you choose to have children with him and stay for years with him and then blame the cms

you need to take some of the bad choices made

I wasn’t-he left 25 years ago
he hasn’t paid a penny since my dd was born
he became a drug dealer after we broke up

yes I made bad choices but the bottom line was the csa where useless at making him pay for his kids

glad to have cleared that up

also where the female leaves it is very rare they pay CMS either just to balance the argument

apologies for reading it wrong but he must of been wrong in when you met him people dont go from honest joe to completley dodgy

Your 100% right-but I didn’t see the red flags due to growing up in an abusive family/was young/vulnerable and downright bloody stupid-this was my normal
I fully accept my part in all this but it doesn’t excuse the fact that I never saw a penny for his kids and it’s not my fault he chose the path he walked
in fact the csa kept losing my file,which caused a ton of stress and he still never paid a penny

well i know it does not pay the bills but be proud that you parented by yourself as hard as it was

i dont understand people that refuse their child my ex has refused his son for 16yrs it seems it's ok to do but i hope they all feel shame,mine was a good partner strangly worked had his own flat etc but didnt want a child takes all sorts though

No- too harsh. You are wrong. How was OP supposed to know that 1- they would split, 2- that he would renege on his responsibilities?

Not only did he never pay a penny,he dragged me through the courts because ‘it’s free,innit?’ (He got legal aid)
as soon as it ran out,he dropped the kids like a stone
he ignored them in the street-has been known to shout and spit at them and low level stalked us for years

he still pats himself on the back and tells everyone that’s he was a fabulous dad and I’m the ‘bitch that stopped me seeing my kids’

I'd spend my last penny on my child, as I suspect would most Mothers.. yet many comments on this thread support the idea that a Father can and should be able to walk away and ringfence his income for his own benefit - whatever that might be.

Welcome to the UK the country where it's perfectly legal to take no responsibility for your child just because you want to ''live your best life'' doing god knows what. If one parent does that, the other is left to take 100% responsibility. At best you get a paltry 12% of income (that you're expected to be eternally grateful for despite it not covering anything nearly 50% of the cost of raising a child). Again, this is because obviously the departing parent ''deserves'' to life their ''best life''.. Absent from this equation is of course the child.. who doesn't matter. It's a joke.

It's no surprise the UK has one of the largest % of single parents - folks its just that easy to walk away with zero consequences.

No, it is not at all! 50/50 ha! We wish!

The most a non resident parent can be asked to pay for a kid is 15% of their net salary, 20% if there are 2 kids or 25. They are only expected to pay while the kid until the kid us 18 or 16 if the kid leaves school.

I do think however that 15-20% is fair IF, AND ONLY IF both parents earn the same, which rarely happens as it is often the case that the woman takes a step back in their career, reduces her income or stop working altogether to take care of the kids. And then we are where we are…

Bullshit! Show me a divorced woman who never said “my husband would NEVER do something like that!”

The man you marry is not the same man who you divorce. Mine was the perfect husband for YEARS until we inserted a baby in the equation, the baby was wanted, no accident and came along after years of fertile treatment.

He has not seen his son for more than a decade and has never paid the right amount of child maintenance even when he has a six figure salary. But there is hope, the CMS eventually caught with him, he is still resisting but they are now deducting the amount from his salary.

So you wanted dirty money from a criminal?

God no

but why the hell should I have been forced to work my arse off to pay for OUR children while he skipped off Scot free and nobody bothered?

honestly,this is the attitude that kills me-he should have paid for his children,he didn’t and I’m to blame for ‘wanting his dirty money’

im hoping this is a joke-I’m off to bed-I’ve been up since 6-I had to go to work to pay my way in life

many people get with partners that are not the best but for whatever reason continue to have kids so there may be a tiny tiny that do a 360 but most are clearly not ideal partners showing their colours early on

agree to disagree

This is outrageous op - men shouldn't be able to get away with not providing for their children by giving up work. There should be a standard amount that's due no matter what they're earning- and it should be taken from inheritance or their own pension if need be.

I also wouldn't allow then to have a passport or driving licence with outstanding child support. The US does this much better.

My tosser of an ex substantially lowered maintenance because his new girlfriend went to uni and apparently needed support from him. So you have my sympathy.

@paintitallover how?? That’s crazy?

There are some really nasty replies on this thread to someone in a shit situation with a one year old just looking to vent and seek support on a support forum for parents.

The man you marry is not the man you divorce is so true. Circumstances can change people. Relationships can change people.

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP. It isn't fair no and you could never have predicted you'd split AND he'd refuse to work to avoid maintenance AND not offer you some of his savings to cover expenses whilst on a course AND not want a relationship with his planned baby. If you thought any of that were in his nature you wouldn't have been with him in the first place obviously.

How much did you get from the divorce?

I know. It was years ago now. But he did do it and at the time CMA was even weaker than now, and told me he would probably get away with it and it would be a longwinded fight. Luckily I never see him now.

Apply for a variation on the basis of his savings.

Whilst they don’t take the actual savings into account they do look into the interest as unearned income.

If he’s got that much in savings and it’s not just a simple recent inheritance he’s probably got it set up to maximise his income. It’ll also flag up any other unearned income he might have.

CMS are a pain to get anything done so you’ll have to be dogged with them, but it is worth ir.

fuckinguskesss piece of shit I feel your anger and pain. Take heart that he won't ever know the love and respect of your DC. she will eventually work out for herself what an arsehole her father is. aandshe will know how amazing as a mother you are.

He can't be at fucking school forever. When he grows up whack your claim in. Poor man.. has no self respect. Sounds a complete spinless jerk to me and must be patting himself on the back for this one ffs