Creepy man on bus, what should DD have done?

[SheWoreYellow]

DD has had this a couple of times. Or similar.

She’s 14.

Last night, 5pm, getting a bus home from town she sits at the back of the almost empty bus. Downstairs. Three stops before hers a man comes and sits next to her. Odd, as the bus is empty. One stop before hers she goes and stands near the front but doesn’t press the button. He goes too. They go past that stop, then she presses the button for her stop and gets off. He gets off too. She sits at the bus stop. He sits there for a minute and then goes off in the opposite direction to our house. She then calls me and walks home.

I said she should have texted me so I could meet her at the bus stop, but she was worried he would see what she was texting. If she had said anything to the bus driver, what would he have done? I suppose between them they could have asked if he was getting off at the next stop and then she would have done the opposite. I want us to have a plan. I suppose she could have texted “meet me off the bus [codeword]”

This would probably work on most creeps ; Call anyone who will pick up and say ´Dad’s meeting me at the bus stop right?. Great. See you later’.

It doesn’t matter if Dad really is meeting her at the bus stop. Saying it will probably lead to creep giving up. Then call Dad/other preferably male relative if creep happens to get off at the same stop and no one is there.

It's a tough one. I think I'd tell my dd in similar circumstances to tell the driver. Not sure how it would help, but in the absence of anyone else around. I know lots of uni students have apps and local setups where they can text for help for situations like this.
Hope she is OK.

Creepy. If he does it again she should move immediately to sit at the front of the bus nearer the driver. Could you arrange to meet her the next couple of times to break his pattern?

Oh poor DD. That must have been very worrying for her. A code word sounds like a very good idea! I’m not sure what the bus driver could have done tbh, he couldn’t have stopped the man getting off, your DD could have jumped back on (or stayed on) after the man got off and said she didn’t feel safe and maybe the driver could have waited with her still on the bus until you got there? Although I know they have timetables.

Maybe “mum I’m meeting Isobel (or other non friend name) at the x’ place so you know you need to meet her and where?

As soon as he sat down she should have got up and moved to the front near the driver. If he follows tell the driver.

When he went to get off at the same stop as her she should have waited till the bus stopped, let him off first, then sat back down and called you to meet her at the next stop.

I think she should have got up when he sat next to her and moved seats. If he followed her, she should then have told the bus driver and gone to stand near the driver. I would HOPE that knowing he's being watched would be enough to stop this. I think she could also have called you and asked you to meet her at the bus stop. Finally, if he followed her off the bus, I'd have got back on and gone one stop further.

Poor dd. I am sick of creepy men being creepy. I agree, she could have moved nearer the front but frankly, why should she? And calling and saying Dad is meeting me is a good idea but wouldn't work if he is following her and Dad doesn't then meet her. I would have thought telling the driver is a good idea. As is texting you. Who care if he sees? Fucking arsehole, I'm so sorry this happened. Tell her she was right to trust her instincts though and she always should.

Your daughter is really sensible and smart and lucky to have you as a parent for taking this seriously. My mother would have giggled and said 'he was probably just lonely and trying to be nice.'

I think she should sit in the view of the bus driver and definitely in full sight of security cameras. If possible she should tell the bus driver.

Agree a code letter or word she can text you if she wants you to meet her there. In London you can text British Transport Police if you are concerned.

If there is plenty of room on the bus, tell her to always take the outside seat so no-one can pen her in. Also put her bag on the seat next to her if an open bench. It won't work if the bus is busy, but no-one should ask her to move if there is plenty of room

When this used to happen to me I used to speak to the driver and tell them what was happening then sit near the driver. I know one driver made the weirdo get off at the next stop. Other times just telling the driver made the weirdo leave me alone and they never got off at my stop. Maybe the driver didn't let them?

Your poor daughter.

My suggestion is that she sits in the aisle seat if she's on her own, especially if there are plenty of spaces, as no-one can sit next to her then. And to sit near the driver.

I hate men like this.
Happens to most women unfortunately.
Tell your DD in future to sit nearer the driver and sit on the aisle seat, thus blocking the seat next to her.
If a man tries to sit next to her she'll know he's a wrong one. Don't be afraid to say no or to be less than polite.
Ring you and say that a man on the bus is making her feel uncomfortable and can you come and meet her at the bus stop.
Tell her she doesn't have to be nice or make conversation.

She should never sit on the large rear seat alone. Best advice is sit halfway down an empty bus, on the outside seat.

Calling or texting you as soon as she feels uncomfortable is another good idea. Add a codeword if it helps.

We still meet our adult daughter from the bus stop in winter when its dark/not many people about. She says she's fine but you can tell shes a little jumpy, so we pretend we need the exercise.

I'm so sorry she is experiencing this

So sorry this happened. I'd be asking her to sit near the front of the bus if she's alone so the driver can see her, as a matter of course. If anyone makes her feel uncomfortable I'd tell her to walk to the front of the bus and tell the driver that she's being harrassed by this man and call you.

She doesn't necessarily need a code word, or to pretend she's not noticed him being weird, instill in her that she has no need to feel ashamed, he does.

She needs to say as confidently as she can, there's a man on the bus behaving strangely dad, I'll see you at the bus stop. Calling it out can stop it in it's tracks, this shit thrives in secrecy.

Report this to the police. The bus will have CCTV.

Isn’t it sad that a man is behaving badly and your Dd is the one who doesn’t want to offend him.

I’d tell her that she should just go and sit near the driver as soon as creepy man sits down next to her. Maybe practice with her things she could say to him or driver. To driver, this man is making me uncomfortable. To creepy, stop following me or just Go Away. Act as if she is getting off bus earlier than the time before, when she is getting off bus, stand back, say After You to creep, wait and when he gets off bus, she stays on bus. She turns to driver and says He followed me off the bus last time.

When I was 10, I had a man come and sit next to me in a nearly empty cinema and put his hand on my knee. I was alone with my younger brother. I was too shy to do anything apart from making my brother leave halfway through the film.

when I was 17 I was travelling on a long coach trip and again a man came and sat next to me although there were plenty of spaces. He kept getting me to talk to him, but I was uncomfortable. When we took a rest stop I refused to going into the services with him and stayed on the bus.

The driver came to where I was sitting and asked if everything was ok. I explained the situation. He offered to tell the man to sit else where. Like your Dd I didn’t think I had the authority to tell the creepy man to get lost. But because the driver had noticed it gave me the confidence to tell mr creepy that I was going to have a sleep and needed both the seats. Because I knew the driver was watching, I felt much better.

So practice with your Dd how to say things, actually get her to say things in a loud clear voice, not the little mouse voice I would have used.

My experiences were long ago (and there were more). Nowadays, people are much more switched on about safeguarding. Try and help your Dd find her ability to call out bad behaviour. The sooner she finds it, the more safe she will stay.

Oh and she should get a picture of him, that may make him piss off.

She should've called you and asked to meet or stay on the phone until she was safe.

As others have said. Sit aisle side of the seat so can't be blocked in.

Be vocal. Shout to the driver or go up and tell them about the creep.

These men rely on girls/women to be silent.

If it's busy and there's a bench seat and she's next to the window, tell her to clasp her hands together over her stomach, kind of like praying but with the fingers closed in or like holding someone's hand with your fingers laced together but it's your own hand. That way anyone trying to sit too close gets an elbow in their side, and because there's a side wall next to her they can't make her arms move by shoving her, with her hands in that position. I was small so was targeted by fat people who wanted more room and would practically sit on me, as well as creeps. It works really well for maintaining your own space.

I know what it's like to be the target of bus creeps, I was when younger too. I think they rely on the victim being polite. They always go after the quiet ones on their own never the noisy groups who may be spread around all over the place with two seats each. They don't try to sit next to them. One occasion I was being followed home. No mobile phones then to call someone. I knew he was following because he'd asked which bus to the station and I'd told him, but then he got on my empty bus and sat the seat behind, I'd put my bag on the seat next to me or I think he'd have sat there. I got off the bus ringing the bell last minute, the driver had to brake hard, and ran across the busy road to escape but he managed to get off and across too, I heard him running down the pavement behind me. So I turned round and screamed at him "Fuck off!" at the top of my voice. He did, instantly.

So I'd advise her to make more of a fuss. Shout "stop following me!" or something while she's still on the bus. Don't forget the buses have cameras, he won't want an incident like that in people's minds and on camera if he's planning something worse.

She should have shouted to the driver /dinged the stop button and attracted their attention.

She should have texted you.

She should have SCREAMED FURIOUSLY at man " NO !!!! Go AWAY NOW".

Teach her and her pals to practice that at home ; LOUD. LOTS.

Give her a rape alarm signal to carry in her bag and tell her to use it in such situations.

Same age Dd had a man say obscene things to her and another young woman on a bus. They tried ignoring but it carried on so they reported it to the driver who stopped bus and kicked him off. Words cannot express the hatred I feel towards men like this.

Sounds like she acted instinctively and did what she could to keep herself safe. Well done. It's pretty much what I would have done at that age, and there would have been no mobile phone to help me.

Can she download the Hollie Guard App?

It’s awful my 18 year old has this all the time, has done for a few years and even been approached twice by men in the street who get aggressive if she doesn’t answer them. She has learnt to read the situation now sadly and how to react. I always tell her to try and sit near the front. She also carries and audible/flashing alarm.

I would suggest her not to sit at very back , when the bus empty but as close as possible to the driver seat.

She should defo contact you earlier and I would give her some pepper spray or similar just in case.

Tell her to ring you straight away, can just say 'hey! Just letting you know I'm ?? Mins away now, cya at the bus stop!' Then they'll think someone is meeting her. And can always ring you again while she walks home. I used to do this with my friend when either of us were walking anywhere in the dark, even though we were in different cities, people around you don't need to know that!