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Creepy man on bus, what should DD have done?

85 replies

SheWoreYellow · 04/01/2023 13:40

DD has had this a couple of times. Or similar.

She’s 14.

Last night, 5pm, getting a bus home from town she sits at the back of the almost empty bus. Downstairs. Three stops before hers a man comes and sits next to her. Odd, as the bus is empty. One stop before hers she goes and stands near the front but doesn’t press the button. He goes too. They go past that stop, then she presses the button for her stop and gets off. He gets off too. She sits at the bus stop. He sits there for a minute and then goes off in the opposite direction to our house. She then calls me and walks home.

I said she should have texted me so I could meet her at the bus stop, but she was worried he would see what she was texting. If she had said anything to the bus driver, what would he have done? I suppose between them they could have asked if he was getting off at the next stop and then she would have done the opposite. I want us to have a plan. I suppose she could have texted “meet me off the bus [codeword]”

OP posts:
WeeOrcadian · 30/03/2023 16:32

Another vote for a 'code / safe word'

Fucking creeps

drpet49 · 30/03/2023 16:33

GerbilsForever24 · 04/01/2023 13:53

I think she should have got up when he sat next to her and moved seats. If he followed her, she should then have told the bus driver and gone to stand near the driver. I would HOPE that knowing he's being watched would be enough to stop this. I think she could also have called you and asked you to meet her at the bus stop. Finally, if he followed her off the bus, I'd have got back on and gone one stop further.

This. Why didn’t she move?

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 30/03/2023 16:38

Use her voice - why are you following me? Why are you sitting here?

Tell the bus driver - and then at a stop before hers, get off at the back door and when he also gets off, get back on at the front door. If he also gets back on, call the police.

Go sit at the front or next to a parent or someone who she feels more comfortable with.

Pretend to be on the phone and talk about the guy following her. Say I got his picture and I just sent it to you Dad.

EvelynBeatrice · 30/03/2023 16:45

To avoid being trapped in a seat by a man, I taught my daughters always to sit on the outside of a seat. If the bus was busy and someone wanted to sit beside them or if they wanted to offer a seat to someone I taught them to let the person take the inside seat and remain on the outside saying they were just getting off soon. They also always chose a seat whenever possible near the front of the bus where the driver could see them.
It May be worth speaking to the bus company too. Often there are cameras on buses.

KStockHERO · 30/03/2023 16:47

As a teenager - when mobiles first came out - me and friends had an agreement that if something like this happened, we could phone each other and ask for "Big Dan" which acted as a code word and which suggested to the creep that we might be chatting with a menacing bloke.

So we'd call each other and say "Oh hey, Vicky, can I speak to Big Dan, please".

And then have a conversation with "Big Dan" about him meeting you at the bus stop. At times we were explicit about what was happening, to let the creeps know we saw them- "Hi Big Dan. There's some creep following me, I wonder if you could meet me at the bus stop, please"

I look back now and it absolutely breaks my heart that we thought this was normal. But it did work very well.

SheWoreYellow · 30/03/2023 17:35

drpet49 · 30/03/2023 16:33

This. Why didn’t she move?

She didn’t move straight away because she was scared of antagonising him/making it into a thing when it wasn’t.

She did move after a while, to stand near the driver, and he followed her.

OP posts:
Lulu1919 · 30/03/2023 17:37

Sit as close to the driver as possible.
Phone trick won't do any harm
Talk to driver

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 30/03/2023 17:37

Aposterhasnoname · 04/01/2023 13:50

As soon as he sat down she should have got up and moved to the front near the driver. If he follows tell the driver.

When he went to get off at the same stop as her she should have waited till the bus stopped, let him off first, then sat back down and called you to meet her at the next stop.

This

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/03/2023 18:47

Why didn't she move?

Has everyone forgotten being 14?

To be polite
Fear
Knowing he could interpret that as rejection and get aggressive
Not knowing what to do
Freezing

Maybe men could get a similar list of instructions so 14 yo girls don't have to learn these.

Sandwidged · 30/03/2023 18:57

Sit near the bus driver. If she can have a quiet word with the bus driver then she should. Meet her off the bus when ever you can. Or alternatively is there someone from school she can walk with? Is it possible to get a different bus for a while?

Sandwidged · 30/03/2023 19:00

I had similar as a school girl. He sat next to me blocking my exit. He had his hands in his raincoat fiddling while vibrating his leg against mine. It was so unexpected and I froze, had no idea what to do and couldn’t get away without climbing over him. I wish I had screamed stop touching me, go away

mackthepony · 30/03/2023 19:03

In an Ideal world she would have turned around and said to him 'why the fuck are you following me?!' aggressively.

Easier said than done

TomeTome · 30/03/2023 19:15

As everyone says she must sit near the front. I’d go into the petrol station and explain what’s happened and ask them if she could come and sit in the shop till you can get there if it happens again. Phone the bus company and ask them to make the bus drivers aware. Encourage her to ask for help. I lose my voice when really desperately scared. Give her a whistle or a rape alarm.

SnappyDragony · 30/03/2023 19:23

I know a lot of posters are asking why she didn't move.

  1. she is a young woman and may well have frozen up, especially if she hasn't had to deal with this (inevitable unfortunately) type of situation before.

  2. why should she?

OP others have given some sound advice; speak to driver, sit near the front/aisle seat. Text/call mum/dad/friend and say you're meeting them. Pipe up and use her voice loudly to say "you are in my space, back off."
It's such a shame your DD had to go through this.
Creepy shit bag 💩

TomeTome · 30/03/2023 19:24

It’s hard to move
its hard to speak
we must help them do it though because the creeps just keep coming

AnnieSaxophone · 30/03/2023 19:24

Poor DD - she must have been really scared, I’m so sorry. I know it’s hard but she must move away earlier next time if there is a next time.

She could text you with either of the following (or something else pre-agreed) so you know immediately what it means?

‘X’

or
‘2 (or however many) stops away’

Can she have a small prewritten note in her bag that’s easy to get that she can pass to the driver / anyone if it happens again so she doesn’t need to speak?

Something like - ’The man behind me is following me can you help?”

Ponderingwindow · 30/03/2023 19:26

Handling the situation with care isn’t about worrying about offense, it is about worrying that he will react with violence if triggered. Even a polite decline can set them off and they have you basically trapped in a small space on the bus. Btdt, didn’t want the souvenir shirt.

I would advise her to sit near the driver and to not get off the bus until she gets to a stop where you can be waiting to meet her. If she can alert the driver to the situation that is ideal.

jannier · 30/03/2023 19:30

The bus driver has the ability to call the police to meet the bus at a stop.

2chocolateoranges · 30/03/2023 19:32

This happened to dd, but the creep kept asking her what stop she was getting off at! She text me and I phoned her and told her to stay on the bus until I was close by so that whatever bus stop she got off at I was there!

why can’t some men just act like adults and not try to intimidate young girls!

CambsAlways · 30/03/2023 19:33

Poor girl, one thing I’d never do is sit at the back of an empty bus I’d always sit at front and on the outside seat bag next to me, there are some really weirdos about . I hope this has not put her off travelling alone. I know it’s not always possible, my daughter always carried a alarm with her

Timetochangetheoil · 30/03/2023 20:32

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/03/2023 18:47

Why didn't she move?

Has everyone forgotten being 14?

To be polite
Fear
Knowing he could interpret that as rejection and get aggressive
Not knowing what to do
Freezing

Maybe men could get a similar list of instructions so 14 yo girls don't have to learn these.

Well said.

2bazookas · 30/03/2023 20:42

Always sit on the outside seat, then he can't sit beside her.

Speak to driver if worried. She could ring the bell at any stop, driver will stop, realise nobody got off and that warns him there might be a problem.

GettingStuffed · 30/03/2023 20:52

I had this year's ago. It was on the tube and I felt this man watching me, I changed carriage and he followed me , when I got off I ran up the stairs as did he and that's when I knew for certainty that he was following me luckily I was fit and just kept running. Then a bus pulled up and told me to get on, as the driver had seen the man chasing me. He dropped me off outside the house I was staying in and waited for me to open the door.

A couple of weeks late there was a sketch of a man suspected of rape. It was the man who'd chased me.

Luckily you now have mobiles and you can always ,"call" someone or go into a shop if there's one open and hide out .

Ladyface · 30/03/2023 20:58

Please report this creep to the police. Something similar happened to a young girl where I work and the police took it seriously.

NormasJeans · 30/03/2023 21:03

Most phones allow you to set up an emergency sos and an emergency contact which you can send by tapping the phone, for example. You can sometimes do this when it it in your pocket, so you don’t even have to get your phone out. It may be worth looking into what will work on your daughter’s phone and getting it set up.

I was assaulted on a bus at a similar age. I didn’t tell anyone because I thought it would result in never being allowed to get a bus again and losing my freedom. All credit to you that your daughter has told you about her situation.