I'm being a dickhead, but I need to let this out somewhere. TW - child loss

[Iknowimbeinganarsebutineedarant]

Just had a visit from someone I know, they had a baby last year who was quite ill and in neonatal for a couple of months, everything is fine now thankfully and I fully supported her at the time.

I had a little girl a few years back who was in the same neonatal unit, she sadly died when she was a few weeks old.

It was hard being back at the hospital visiting, and in the same unit etc, but I did it for her.

Shes, obviously, delighted about her baby pulling through, but every single time I see her she starts on about it (I know I sound like a twat, believe me I know)

Oh he just loved us so much he pulled through

He chose us as his parents and fought to stay with us

Hes such a fighter and knew he had so much to live for

Hes so strong to have made it through all that

Our love brought him back

Etc etc.

I know it's not about me, and I change the subject when she starts on, but she always brings it back to how her baby is here due to love and being so strong.

It feels like a gut punch tbh, like I didn't love my beautiful little girl enough, or my daughter just didn't love me enough to pull through.

I have gently mentioned it a couple of times and she says "oh I don't mean it like that" and then carries on.

Its making me not want to see her anymore at this point because it is every time.

I'm probably jealous, bitter etc, but I do think she's being a bit insensitive too.

No real point to this, I just wanted a vent really.

Oh love that is tough. I think I might just take a step back from seeing her for a while to protect yourself.

No she is being a dickhead. She’s not oblivious, you’ve pointed it out and that should be enough for her to tone it down.

Its making me not want to see her anymore at this point because it is every time.

Then definitely don't see her anymore. Yes, she's been through a lot, but she being astoundingly obtuse and insensitive.

If being around her is too difficult for you, stay away. I'm so sorry about your baby.

You have told her how it makes you feel and she ignores it, she is being very insensitive to your loss

That is awful. Don’t see her again - she doesn’t sound like a friend.

You are not being a dickhead

She's not a friend - so insensitive, self centred and absorbed with not a thought for your pain

So sorry for your loss 💐

Don’t see your friend for a little while OP, you are not being a dick in any way at all. Sorry for your loss 💐

I think it is her not you. If I was the friend and said something insensitive which my friend was kind enough to gently point out, I would do my utmost to not do it again.
You are not being unkind or selfish, you have been there for her and are happy for her, it is her insensitivity that is the problem here.
I am sorry for your loss.

You’re not being a duck head op

Your friend is being an insufferable arsehole. While it’s semi understandable she talks a lot of her child, she is being absolutely dreadful with her choice of language. I think you should pull back from the friendship for a while. You’ve expressed in a polite way that her words are incredibly hurtful and she doesn’t respect that enough to change the subject or change her tone. I think some low contact time would do you good.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my first baby too and this sort of narrative - that a child who is truly loved / strong / good / whatever will survive - is just unbearable to me. Not to mention delusional. And gross in general tbh.

Give yourself permission not to see this friend for as long as you need. She'll have other support. You don't have to be this person for her.

Take care of yourself and recognise that this is going to stir up all the pain and rage and sorrow and fear, and give yourself as much grace as you possibly can.

She’s being a dick head. Great that her baby has survived but it’s absolutely nothing to do with how loved the baby is.

I am very sorry for your loss 💐

YNBU - that’s terribly insensitive of her OP, so sorry for you loss.

I know you know this, but this was out of both hers and your control.

I would take some time out until she develops some empathy.

I say this as someone with experience of NICU.

💐

She's being shockingly insensitive. You've told her gently and tried to change the subject etc.

I think you now need to be firmer and tell her that you find it too upsetting listening to her views and that if she doesn't stop talking that way in front of you, that'd you'd need to reassess the friendship.

I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your baby girl.

Your feelings are extremely valid and not unreasonable at all. Your friend is being an insensitive dick. Whilst they have been through a scary time it doesn't mean they can forget how to be empathetic and considerate. I would either say something directly and basically tell her to stop or distance yourself to protect yourself . Good luck and don't feel at all bad. Your friend should feel bad for being so insensitive.

You’re not the one being a dickhead - she’s being horribly insensitive. They went through an awful thing but their baby survived, in front of someone who has suffered such a loss as you they should be quietly grateful and be more respectful of your feelings!

It’s completely understandable to feel the way that you are feeling. No, you’re not being a twat, she is being insensitive. It’s unkind for her to keep saying such things after you have brought to her attention the upset it’s causing you 💐
And also, please don’t feel you didn’t love your little one enough, love unfortunately does not heal all ills and your patience with your friend so far shows what a truly loving person you are

You’ve been an excellent friend but she is being totally insensitive and also talking shite.

The way she is wording and expressing herself is very insensitive there really is no need. So sorry for your loss

Sorry for your loss.

The fact you have (gently) explained this to her and she continues, means I would be stepping back. You've been amazing at supporting her when she needed you, I'm sure you'd be there again in an instant should she need you again, but right now you need to protect yourself and she's doing OK.

If she asks why you've reduced contact, tell her.

Really insensitive of her I'm sorry for your loss of your little girl x

You're not being jealous or bitter. She's being breathtakingly unpleasant and hurting you. Just because she's been through something tough doesn't give her a free pass to hurt you.

And you don't have to squash all your own needs and feelings.

I understand. My friendship group is a lot smaller since I lost my son. I just can't cope with thoughtless people. I don't have the emotional reserves any more.
I am so sorry for your loss.

Oh this sounds awful. I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I think you have every right to take a step back from the friendship for now, especially considering the fact you’ve explained how her comments make you feel.
For what it’s worth, I think your incredibly strong going back to the hospital to support your friend. You sound lovely. Look after yourself.

You're not being a twat, she is, especially after you've told her how it makes you feel.

Absolutely this.