I'm being a dickhead, but I need to let this out somewhere. TW - child loss

[Iknowimbeinganarsebutineedarant]

Just had a visit from someone I know, they had a baby last year who was quite ill and in neonatal for a couple of months, everything is fine now thankfully and I fully supported her at the time.

I had a little girl a few years back who was in the same neonatal unit, she sadly died when she was a few weeks old.

It was hard being back at the hospital visiting, and in the same unit etc, but I did it for her.

Shes, obviously, delighted about her baby pulling through, but every single time I see her she starts on about it (I know I sound like a twat, believe me I know)

Oh he just loved us so much he pulled through

He chose us as his parents and fought to stay with us

Hes such a fighter and knew he had so much to live for

Hes so strong to have made it through all that

Our love brought him back

Etc etc.

I know it's not about me, and I change the subject when she starts on, but she always brings it back to how her baby is here due to love and being so strong.

It feels like a gut punch tbh, like I didn't love my beautiful little girl enough, or my daughter just didn't love me enough to pull through.

I have gently mentioned it a couple of times and she says "oh I don't mean it like that" and then carries on.

Its making me not want to see her anymore at this point because it is every time.

I'm probably jealous, bitter etc, but I do think she's being a bit insensitive too.

No real point to this, I just wanted a vent really.

Yep she’s a dickhead. I also had a NICU baby and it’s nothing to do with any of that as she well knows. That’d be the end of the friendship for me OP.
So so sorry for your loss and for having to deal with her BS.
Unmumsnetty hugs 💐

Argh.
*You’re incredibly strong, not your.

I’m sorry for your dd, it’s tragic

Step away from the friendship. It sounds like she can’t let go of the narrative she’s created and I dare say she’s using it to deal with her own trauma but I can see why you simply can’t separate that from your own experience.

It’d be kind to let her know why you’re pulling back but you’re not under any obligation to explain more than you already have.

What an insensitive idiot she is being.

So sorry about your little girl, life is cruel and unfair

She is the dickhead. Not you. Of course that's upsetting you and if she genuinely cares about you she would not phrase things that way.

I actually think this is the worst thing Ive ever seen on here. How can a mother say this to one who had lost their baby.
Of course your baby was loved just as much as your friends baby and your baby loved you ❤️ sometimes love just isn't enough. Im so sorry your friend is being such a dick

I agree. What she said must be very hurtful to you OP. She’s no friend.

This person is not your friend

You are absolutely not being a dickhead.
You've mentioned how it makes you feel and she still continues to say it. So insensitive!
I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl

@Iknowimbeinganarsebutineedarant gosh if ever there was someone being furthest from a dickhead! You've already been incredibly strong and supportive, especially to have even visited the unit.

Take a break from your friend and don't apologise, you must put yourself first.

I'm so sorry for your loss... what was your little girl's name? Tell us about her if it helps...?

I'm sorry you lost your daughter, I can only imagine the pain.

Your 'friend' is an insensitive eejit. I hate that bullshit - and also that "battle woith cancer" type narrative as well. It is stupid magical thinking that implies if only you'd loved / fought / been more positive / been stronger / been more devout etc etc you too could have been as fortunate as your friend. And it's all bullshit.

What you were was incredibly unlucky, and tragically so. Your friend, on the other hand, was extremely lucky. Nothing else. That's great for her and her little boy, but it's no reflection on you in the slightest.

That you could face returning to the same special care unit in support of her shows what a strong and compassionate person you are. She's lucky in that way too - having such a womderful friend.

Back away for a while for your own sake. 💐

Totally think you are not being unreasonable - I know this isn't AIBU, but even if it was, I'd guess most replies would be supportive of you.
I feel very much the same about the whole "losing the fight" with cancer, it's a kick in the teeth for it to be implied a much loved relative didn't "fight hard enough" or he loved us so much that he fought to stay with us. Hmm.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs. People may not intend to be insensitive, but it's insensitive all the less.

Set your boundaries - the way you are feeling is totally valid. She is being inconsiderate knowing very well what you went through. She can say all that to someone else, not you - it's triggering for you and you need to put yourself first. Step back and protect yourself, if she's a good friend she'll understand.

Sorry for your loss and sending love and strength x

I don't think you're being a dickhead at all. Your friend has been insensitive and you have shown super human strength and decency trying to support her. That is commendable, it really is.

You are correct to have a little rant, you are well within your rights to vent.

I'm also sorry you lost your little girl, to visit the unit again must have been so incredibly tough 💐

Don't see her. She is being utterly insensitive and self absorbed. You have spoken to her about it before and she continues. She sounds not only insensitive but insufferable - allow yourself to step back from it now

I would have thought that her own child being in a seriously unwell state would have brought home to her how devastating it would be if their precious child and made her acutely aware of others who had suffered the death of their own child.

Of course she can talk about her child but those platitudes of the baby making every effort to pull through etc are downright insulting.

I would tell her straight after any remark that her comment is downright disgusting in light of the death of your own child or perhaps the best option is to end the friendship altogether.

She is a fucking dick. You don’t need her in your life.

She is the dickhead not you. I would distance yourself from her.

My 8 year old niece died from cancer this year and if someone spoke like that to her parents I would want to bop them one on the nose and I’m not a violent sort.

Her words and behavior are abborant and awful. How noisy dare she. My heart breaks for you.

I think you have told her enough times - she ignores you - it is time to step away.

I would send an email I think explaining why you need distance so she knows the reason (maybe it will help her realize her error but as she sounds thick skinned I doubt it). Don’t subject yourself to hearing her crappy unkind words any longer.

Should say “how bloody dare she?”.

No, it's definitely not you - and you've told her how it makes you feel and she's still choosing to speak so insensitively.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Its hard enough processing such a loss, without a friend being so rude and insensitive around you.

She shouldn't have to stop talking about it to people, but the way she puts it is really not OK. It would feel like she was kicking me every time she said it.

I'd ask to speak to her again, say that you're super happy and relieved for you, but can she please not phrase it like that around you or anyone else who has lost a child, as its an insensitive way to put it.

She'll possibly not take it well but she needs telling again.

You could say:

Friend, think about how you felt when it was uncertain if your baby would make it. Now, try to imagine your baby didn't make. Now, try to imagine someone telling you their sick baby made it because the baby just loved them too much to let go. Now, imagine the feelings you'd be experiencing following that.

Maybe.

You are not angry enough, the title says it all really, you think it is you, it's not you, it's her: She is being a terrible friend. However, she has had a traumatic experience too, so speak to her about it again, before you next see her, and say what you have said here. If she continues, I think you should end the friendship. I'm really sorry for your loss.

100% this.

I say this as someone who lost a girl at 5 months and spent 4 months in the NICU last year with another daughter born at 24 weeks.

So sorry for your loss OP. As you well know survival had nothing to do with love. All NICU babies are fighters, it's just that sometimes that isn't enough.

Given you've mentioned this to your friend and she clearly doesn't care about your feelings and I wouldn't class her as a friend.

Oh my goodness, I think she is being hugely insensitive and rude. You’ve done well to put up with it for so long. I’m sorry for the loss of your little girl.