I'm being a dickhead, but I need to let this out somewhere. TW - child loss

[Iknowimbeinganarsebutineedarant]

Just had a visit from someone I know, they had a baby last year who was quite ill and in neonatal for a couple of months, everything is fine now thankfully and I fully supported her at the time.

I had a little girl a few years back who was in the same neonatal unit, she sadly died when she was a few weeks old.

It was hard being back at the hospital visiting, and in the same unit etc, but I did it for her.

Shes, obviously, delighted about her baby pulling through, but every single time I see her she starts on about it (I know I sound like a twat, believe me I know)

Oh he just loved us so much he pulled through

He chose us as his parents and fought to stay with us

Hes such a fighter and knew he had so much to live for

Hes so strong to have made it through all that

Our love brought him back

Etc etc.

I know it's not about me, and I change the subject when she starts on, but she always brings it back to how her baby is here due to love and being so strong.

It feels like a gut punch tbh, like I didn't love my beautiful little girl enough, or my daughter just didn't love me enough to pull through.

I have gently mentioned it a couple of times and she says "oh I don't mean it like that" and then carries on.

Its making me not want to see her anymore at this point because it is every time.

I'm probably jealous, bitter etc, but I do think she's being a bit insensitive too.

No real point to this, I just wanted a vent really.

Don’t see her anymore or provide a shock reply to make her feel as upset as you, I bet you only have to do it the once.

Sorry to hear this OP. Your friend is being insensitive and I would take a step back. You are being incredibly strong going back into the hospital after losing your little girl and a lovely friend. She knows what you have been through and you have told her how her comments but you feel, but still she doesn't stop. Distance yourself OP.

I'm so sorry for your loss x
Be kind to yourself and don't be afraid to protect yourself from this, it's very unthoughtful and unkind of her x

Sorry for your loss

I think your friend is bang out of order

I'm 20 years on in Feb but lost my darling DS at 7 weeks. There are times even now that I'm floored with emotion!
Your friend is so very relieved that her little one pulled through and right now is not thinking of the knives twisting in your heart when she is saying the things she is.
I found I had to step back for a while - self preservation if you like.
Take comfort in the fact for the short time on earth your baby was loved every single moment. Not many have that testament.
Look after yourself before anything else. You have been so brave, I have never managed to set foot in the neo natal unit since xx

Don't visit until the baby is home and on a normal trajectory. This is your friends way of coping, its not meant as anything personal. She needs to reassure herself her baby will keep on pulling though. Its not personal.

You aren't being a dickhead. Her comments are very insensitive. Please be kinder to yourself ❤️

Sending love! Xx

Unpleasant cow. She's doing it on purpose, noone would be so dense.

I was in the same position as you, although my hospital friend and I had babies in nicu at the same time. She used to say all sorts of stuff like you’ve mentioned. We are no longer friends because, frankly, she is an insensitive twat. I particularly loved it when she would say her ds hadn’t been born with his health issues and it wasn’t her fault. My dd was born with a genetic condition (and therefore it was my fault…), her ds was a micro premie and had long term issues, but in her eyes they were caused by the hospital.

Take all the space you need from your friend. If you want to stay friends, I would calmly explain to her how what she says make you feel.

She is the one being a twat.
please get rid she isn’t your friend .💐

Your friend is insensitive to you, I understand, but your friend is in a strange place (been there) and all this is is 'bargaining', part of the grief process. She has to keep thinking and saying these illogical things as a pact with (whoever). She hasn't lost her baby, but she went through a traumatic experience and this is her coping mechanism. Try to understand but disengage for a while.

Please don't put this on yourself as being bitter & jealous.. you are not! She is being horrible. You have pointed it out to her & yet she is still doing it. That's horrible. Shows she is so self absorbed, self centred and insensitive and does not care about how it is making you feel or the memories it is bringing back for you. That is not a friend. I would take a step back if not ditch her completely for being such a shit friend.

I don't think you have to be brave. I'd step back.

Joining the resounding YANBU. For her to say that once is dense and tactless. For her to continue after you have gently brought it up is utterly cruel and lacking in compassion.

I think you'd be completely reasonable to be extremely sharp with her, or ditch the friendship entirely.

She is being very insensitive.

Don't say anything to her, you've already said it and she chose to disregard it.

Just pull back. If she realises, she will apologise.

XxX

She’s being ridiculous. My DD spent 6 weeks in the NICU and has had countless stays on children’s wards since. It’s bloody traumatic even when it ends well. But she’s talking absolute bollocks. You’ve asked her to stop, she hasn’t. I would just stop seeing her. She isn’t a friend if she can’t tone it down around you given what you’ve been through.

I wanted to hug you reading this , because your pain come through your post and os does your kindness . Your feelings are very valid and honestly if you don’t want to see her then don’t force yourself to do it . She should know better and she should realise it hurts you . Hugs

She is being horrible to you, I'm sorry for your loss.

The next time she says anything either be blunt and tell her she is really upsetting you.

Or reply "only the good die young" "maybe God though my baby was too precious for this earth and took him back to heaven"

Oh OP. I'm so very sorry for your loss.
Your friend is no friend.
Tell her each and every time she mentions it. She sounds horribly self centred.

You're not being an arse, she is. What she's doing is spectacularly insensitive and it's cruel of her to continue when you've told her how it affects you (not that you should have had to!).

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I totally understand what you are saying. I think you should give yourself a break and permission to back away from her completely. What she is saying is - at best - massively insensitive and has no regard for you whatsoever, it's cruel and thoughtless. Especially considering you have raised it with her a few times, and she still won't - and this is the thing, she is refusing to - factor in your feelings in what she says, you are more than entitled to wish her and her family well and have nothing to do with her again. You owe her nothing more.

Wow, so insensitive. Also a mum of a baby who did not survive NICU as well as one who did. I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful DD. People can say the most stupid things. Your friend needs to listen, you have been so thoughtful and patient. I would be distancing myself for now personally for my own sanity. Big hugs to you.

No, she is a cunt.

Any baby who survives NICU, it’s for two reasons - the medical staff, and sheer dumb fucking luck.

I say that as someone who had a baby leave NICU and a sister who didn’t.

I can’t imagine ever saying anything as fucking stupid as your friend has.

Time to be more forceful with her when she starts. You have already mentioned a couple of times and she carries on

next time I would remind her gently of your loss and how hurtful her comments are

then if she carries on I would state more forcefully, I have just told you how much these comments hurt me please stop

if she continues I would ask her to leave, state she is not a friend if she can’t see how hurtful her comments are being and let the friendship stop

I would say how happy I am that she has her baby safe and sound now but would also tell her honestly how you feel. It sounds like she has the sensitivity of a brick so probably needs a bit of a shake.