How to deal with this - dietary requirements ignored

[Chickchickchi]

I don’t eat pork for religious reasons. I eat everything else, so it’s just the one requirement I have.

I’ve been with DH for around 7 years now. We visit PIL a few times a year and now is one of our visits.

MIL always forgets I don’t eat pork and half the time makes things I can’t eat. When we arrived after travelling all day, she made us all ham sandwiches. No issue, I went and made a cheese sandwich for DS and me. Yesterday, she made steak pie for NYE and added bacon, which I didn’t know or realise until I started eating. On previous visits, she has served bacon rolls, made gammon steak or use pork mince in her cooking.

I honestly don’t know if she forgets or deliberately forgets, as DS has a couple of food allergies and she doesn’t forget those, but always forgets that I don’t eat pork. It’s becoming frustrating and I don’t know what to do. DH tries to check every meal before she serves it, but he’s not hovering over her the kitchen all the time to check what she’s doing and even when he does check, she doesn’t list every ingredient.

Before anyone starts, in those situations I have just the sides or have a bowl of cereal for dinner or something so I don’t make a fuss, but I don’t know what to do. She gets offended and stroppy if I take over meals for DS and me and tell her not to cook us anything, but she keeps forgetting pork is not an option for us.

Any ideas on how to manage?

I'd just start bringing my own food. I wouldn't even discuss it, if she mentions it be really nice but say it's obviously too hard for her to cater for your dietary needs so you're going to bring your own food from now on. You don't owe her politeness as she has not shown you any.

That’s really shit.

DH and DD also don’t eat pork and my parents are more than happy to cater for them. It’s immensely rude not to.

I don’t have an answer other than bringing your own food. They obviously don’t forget, they’re doing it to be awkward or make a point. So you just have to opt out of their silly game.

Forget being polite. Slipping up once or twice is acceptable, bacon in steak pie is a deliberate choice.

Bring your own food and tell her why.

I just can't imagine ever serving someone pork who didn't eat it for religious reasons. That's just so massively offensive. Has your husband spoken to her about this? Is she usually forgetful or funny with you in other ways?

It's hard to believe it's not a slight and honestly I think you would be justified in saying you just won't stay there anymore.

Who serves ham and bacon sandwiches to a Jewish or Muslim person, it's completely outrageous!

Thank you, bringing own food is a good option. I used to cook separate meals when DS was weaning but I think I’ll just start cooking for ourselves and try and not care about her getting upset at that.

DH raises it regularly, he always checks what she’s planning to cook, etc but these things still slip through. For example with the steak pie, all she said was steak pie for dinner, so we had no reason to assume it had bacon too. Or when she’s cooked bolognaise with pork mince, she just says “pasta bolognaise” without mentioning the type of mince. Or she will buy lorne sausage for breakfast and serve it up, and it’s DH who checks to make sure it’s ok.

She always acts ditzy when it happens but I can’t help but wonder if it’s a deliberate slight.

I don’t think it’s forgetful. Once or twice would be forgetful but these repeated incidents are deliberate.

I would be perverse though and start mentioning dementia and being round leaflets of care homes that she might be interested in for the future when her memory completely deteriorates.

It’s deliberate.
literally no one put pork in a steak pie.

your DH needs to tell her that as she’s not able to accommodate your dietary requirements you’ll be bringing your own food or eating lunch out from now on, as she’s clearly unable to accommodate you

Oh that sounds very deliberate to me. Who puts bacon in a beef pie, outside Australia of course?

I wouldn't step back from making a point. Maybe laughing that she has yet again forgotten that bacon, ham, pork is all pork and you don't eat it. Make it an openly discussed silly thing Grandma does... let her be the butt of that joke.

And yes, take your own food, again openly, because she can't be relied upon.

It's deliberate. Literally no one puts bacon in a steak pie, bolognese yes, but steak pie no. And ham sandwiches, I mean I have colleagues I don't know that well, but I'm aware they have a religion (eg Muslim or Jewish) that means they don't eat pork and I would never offer them a ham sandwich and I'd assume your MIL knows you better than I know them

I think the worst thing is none of those meals sound hard to make pork free. If you are making ham sandwiches, you can just as easily make cheese ones as well/instead. You can make bolognaise sauce with beef mince.

Its just rudeness at this point. Take your own food or eat out.

Lardons are a key ingredient in steak pie

www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/steak-ale-pie

Must be deliberate as she seems obsessed with piggy products.

That is a recipe based upon the additional items you add to take a steak and ale pie 'to the next level'

Lardons are part of those additions. And they are lardons, not bacon

And beef pie is not the same as steak and ale pie.

Bacon is a popular addition to beef pies in Australia. If OPs MIL is Australian then at least the pie would make sense.

Your husband needs to go batshit crazy at her. That's just really offensive

OP, I don't eat pork for the entirely whimsical reasons. No relegion or allergies involved, however my MIL goes to great lenght to make sure there is no pork in anything she serves me. She managed to procure turkey bacon and wrap it around non pork sausages so I don't feel left out with ogs in blanket for Xmas lunch (I haven't asked for it, it was entirely her idea)
Your MIL is doing it deliberately. It is a passive aggressive way to say she doesn't like your religion and doesn't respect your boundaries. If you don't want to rock the boat too much I would consistently bring my own food and make a point of saying to your MIL you don't want her to worry of serving you pork again as it has happened on all the previous occasions so you are happy to cater for yourself.

Yes lardons or chopped pancetta are key to a steak pie. <misses point of thread>

I think she's being deliberately provocative OP. We have friends with varied religious backgrounds and accompanied food requirements and we'd always meet their needs. Same as our friends who are genuinely gluten intolerant etc.

I'd be taking your own food from now on and make her feel her pettiness by mentioning she always messes up when you come so you've taken matters into your own hands as a bowl of cereal doesn't really cut it for a nice meal.

She’s not forgetting, she’s doing deliberately - the fact she remembers your son’s allergies proves it’s a choice on her part not an error/forgetfulness. And I bet she’s doing it because it’s for religious reasons - not that it’s acceptable under any circumstances!!

Making a bacon sandwich or gammon steaks for a meal is one thing but adding pork to seemingly random dishes and ‘forgetting’ to tell you is not o let downright rude but she’s doing it to see what sort of ‘reaction’ you have to it when you don’t know you’re eating it; it smacks of someone who respect you!!

That's so incredibly rude of her!!!

Sorry that’s deliberate.

Honestly I would be really offended by that. Annoying as it is jd bring my food to everything and make a point as to why I'm doing it

Unless she is actually as pork obsessed as the menus you've posted from her suggest, it could well be deliberate. If she gets stroppy when you provide meals you and your son can eat, then let her; it's a situation caused by her apparent inability to produce pork free meals. It's not like a slip up by thoughtlessly adding pork gelatine to something without properly thinking about what's in it.

Sounds like she's having a dig at your religion. Perhaps you'll have to take your own food in the future or get your dh to tell her he no longer eats pork products either and see how she reacts to that information.

I think that she's either being deliberately provocative or subconsciously doesn't think that you not eating pork is important and therefore forgets.

In most situations not making a fuss when someone makes a mistake like this is the right choice, but in this situation I think that the not making a fuss is contributing.

So, in your position, I would probably either bring all of your own food for you/DS and just nicely explain why if she asks. Or stop going for meals. Or make a fuss and order takeaways instead when she makes a mistake.

It will be easiest if your husband takes the lead with this. Could he start saying something like "actually its not ok for you to just eat the sides - I'll order us both a takeaway and mum can have the steak pie"

I think I'd ask why she didn't respect my religion.

Make it clear that she is free to disagree with your beliefs, but as she is not showing any willingness to accommodate them, you will be bringing your own food in future.