How to deal with this - dietary requirements ignored

[Chickchickchi]

I don’t eat pork for religious reasons. I eat everything else, so it’s just the one requirement I have.

I’ve been with DH for around 7 years now. We visit PIL a few times a year and now is one of our visits.

MIL always forgets I don’t eat pork and half the time makes things I can’t eat. When we arrived after travelling all day, she made us all ham sandwiches. No issue, I went and made a cheese sandwich for DS and me. Yesterday, she made steak pie for NYE and added bacon, which I didn’t know or realise until I started eating. On previous visits, she has served bacon rolls, made gammon steak or use pork mince in her cooking.

I honestly don’t know if she forgets or deliberately forgets, as DS has a couple of food allergies and she doesn’t forget those, but always forgets that I don’t eat pork. It’s becoming frustrating and I don’t know what to do. DH tries to check every meal before she serves it, but he’s not hovering over her the kitchen all the time to check what she’s doing and even when he does check, she doesn’t list every ingredient.

Before anyone starts, in those situations I have just the sides or have a bowl of cereal for dinner or something so I don’t make a fuss, but I don’t know what to do. She gets offended and stroppy if I take over meals for DS and me and tell her not to cook us anything, but she keeps forgetting pork is not an option for us.

Any ideas on how to manage?

You say your DH checks, but it sounds as if he's only asking what's for dinner in quite general terms and accepting the first answer at face value. If you are going to continue eating there he needs to ask outright.

Not 'What are we having?' but 'What dishes have pork, bacon or ham in this time?'.

Your Dh should be telling her if she does this again you will not come round. This is not about messing up as she remembers your Ds's allergies she disagrees with your choice and is trying to force you to eat it. Do not take your own food round, simply stop going if it continues.

It is rude and disrespectful. Once or maybe twice is an accident. This is no accident, ham sandwiches? Bacon rolls? My own MIL had a list of foods I loved, Dh will eat anything, and a list of food I disliked. She never served any dish ever with the foods I disliked. She added to these lists when we had children as to what they liked or didn't. It isn't hard.

@Chickchickchi does your Dh support your choice?

It's deliberate.

I would simply tell your DH that you feel she is repeatedly demonstrating bigotry towards you and you therefore won't be going anymore and nor will you be taking DS.

Ask him if he'd like to address this with her in serious tones - in which case you'll give her one more chance - or if he's going to continue to pretend she doesn't know and doesn't care that he's married someone from a different religious faith and with different beliefs?

How bloody ignorant of her!

Does your husband still eat pork?
That might explain why MIL is being a total bell end "don't change my son routine"
I'd ask him to remind her and make sure he knows this is quite hurtful behaviour towards you.
If she does it again id refuse to go again

Absolutely. That's not the behaviour of a good host who's made a genuine mistake.

I think I'd ask DH to tackle her about it. If she's making a point and doesn't agree with religious food restrictions then you could indeed offer to bring you own food in future. She can't be offended by that if she's admitted that she's refusing to cook food that you'll eat. I'd she says she's just forgetful then DH could ask her to try harder or to get in some back up meals (eg frozen ready meals) for you to have in case she forgets again. I wouldn't be hesitant to ask about the ingredients of each meal (preferably before she cooks it) if she has form for forgetting.

^This.

If it was a one-off, then I'd understand, but it sounds quite a regular occurence.
Stop being polite. She obviously isn't.

@Chickchickchi What does OPs husbands "support" matter? 🤯

(Great username, how's the Castle?)

Agree - from her actions and her reactions, it sounds deliberate. It is disrespectful and rude.

@catclimbedtree I meant that question for you. What has OPs husband got to do with it?

In your shoes I'd just stop going because it appears as though she cannot remember and you don't want to cause an atmosphere so it's best that you and the kid stay home. After a couple of frosty dinners with just her son I'm sure she'll remember. But even so do you want to risk it? It sounds rather vindictive to me so I wouldn't put it past someone like that to try more sinister means of putting pork in your meals. Think of it as just one less headache - stay home and leave them to it.

First time, I can see it can be a mistake. Next time, maybe again if she is tend to be forgetful. Third time on wards, I really don't think she cares. Either she is making a point that she doesn't approve, or deliberately being disrespectful for whatever reason. So no more. I will make sure that I would bring some food with me, or never eat her cooking again, unless she made sure that it's pork free.

If I did that to someone by mistake, I would be really mortified, and make sure I wouldn't make same mistake ever again.

Assuming your visits are planned in advance, DH needs to get tough and say 'remember not pork/ bacon, or we won't be coming to eat any more' and then again before you leave, call and double check has she used pork or bacon in anything.
Then there'll be absolutely no chance of her 'forgetting'.

Absolutely deliberate

Appalling behaviour

This isn't quite true, lots of traditional beef recipes have pork in them too - pies, bourgignon, ragu etc.

of course it's deliberate - and it's repeated and constant in order to her to constantly dig at her son your DH that he has transgressed by marrying someone of a different religion.

you need to stop eating there at all. arrange to meet them at a restaurant because it is clearly beyond them to cater for your needs but a restaurant can.

you and DH need to be united in this. don't agree to him going without you - driving a wedge between you may be the end goal after all.

it's not "ditzy" to do this more than once. once can be ditzy. after that it becomes evidence of antisemitism/Islamophobia etc.

It’s deliberate. It will continue as long as there is no consequences for her.

Your husband needs to call her. He tells her this is quite obviously deliberate, and it won’t be stood for any longer. If she does it again you will all leave.

The next invite he reminds her of your dietary requirements and the consequences of serving pork when he accepts. He reminds her when you arrive. And he double (triple) checks before you all eat. And if there is pork anywhere in the meal you all leave.’ Mum you were warned, we will not be staying while you are behaving so offensively to my family.’

When she rings and cries he reminds her she has had many chances. You won’t be coming for food until she can be trusted.

You will almost certainly need to leave at least once. If it happened three times I simply wouldn’t visit or allow my child to. Your husband can make his own choice.

It’s passive aggressive, if not downright hostile.

For me my response would depend on DH’s response . If my family did this to my partner I would say directly to my Mum or whoever was cooking that it isn’t hospitable to ignore or forget religious requirements like this. And if it happened again I would say ‘oh dear, never mind, we’ll eat out’ and stand up and all leave.

If your DH is not on Team Head On, could you take your MIL on one side, say “I feel very difficult when you forget that we don’t eat pork. Is there a reason you find it difficult to cater pork-free? I don’t want to have to refuse food that you have prepared. If it is too awkward let me know and we will bring our own or eat out when we visit “

All of the above.

I agree with the posters saying she’s doing it deliberately.Something like pork mince in bolognese I could almost say it’s an oversight if she’s made it that way for years, but bacon in steak pie? That’s deliberate

Given her record I wouldn’t trust her not to secretly deliberately cook in lard and then lie about it. Because she has some sort of agenda here.

If you are making a steak pie you use steak.
Saying that lardons are an integral point is bollox.
If you follow a recipe that does suggest lardons and you know that a family member cannot eat pork then the addition of lardons is deliberate.

Ham sandwiches... that's also deliberate unless other types are also made.

It’s deliberate.

Why doesn’t your DH (or you!) ask outright if there’s pork in anything she’s made? Why leave it at “oh right, steak pie, thanks” when you know she has form?

Is she otherwise accommodating of your faith?

Is it a different faith to DH’s?

Does she approve of DS being raised in this faith?

My DM always - ALWAYS - remembers allergies and preferences. My MIL contorts herself into pretzel shapes to accommodate everyone’s allergies and dietary restrictions (preferences she’s given up on). This to me is normal.

So she can remember your DH's allergies but not the pork? Yeah right 🙄

She;s doing it deliberately, for sure. Is she mad that you're raising your child pork free?

I'd love to see her face if your DH said he'd converted and had stopped eating it too!

I kinda feel like it's intentional, because I've never heard of bacon in steak pie. I'd bring microwave meals with me and a small peanut butter/nutella jar, to swap out the ham in sandwiches.