How to deal with this - dietary requirements ignored

[Chickchickchi]

I don’t eat pork for religious reasons. I eat everything else, so it’s just the one requirement I have.

I’ve been with DH for around 7 years now. We visit PIL a few times a year and now is one of our visits.

MIL always forgets I don’t eat pork and half the time makes things I can’t eat. When we arrived after travelling all day, she made us all ham sandwiches. No issue, I went and made a cheese sandwich for DS and me. Yesterday, she made steak pie for NYE and added bacon, which I didn’t know or realise until I started eating. On previous visits, she has served bacon rolls, made gammon steak or use pork mince in her cooking.

I honestly don’t know if she forgets or deliberately forgets, as DS has a couple of food allergies and she doesn’t forget those, but always forgets that I don’t eat pork. It’s becoming frustrating and I don’t know what to do. DH tries to check every meal before she serves it, but he’s not hovering over her the kitchen all the time to check what she’s doing and even when he does check, she doesn’t list every ingredient.

Before anyone starts, in those situations I have just the sides or have a bowl of cereal for dinner or something so I don’t make a fuss, but I don’t know what to do. She gets offended and stroppy if I take over meals for DS and me and tell her not to cook us anything, but she keeps forgetting pork is not an option for us.

Any ideas on how to manage?

It sounds deliberate and spiteful to me too. I suspect she disapproves of your religion or food rules that are religious in origin and is trying to undermine you. She sounds really nasty.

People know exactly what they're doing.

Once or twice a thoughtless accident, but remembering other people's allergies then deliberately making meals that can very easily be made pork free is not forgetfulness is it?

I assume it's her wanting to have a go or make a statement about your religion for whatever reason, to sit there, and let you put the food in your mouth is vile.

I'm shocked but not at all surprised. I don't eat wheat. Makes me bad tempered, windy and bloated, and gives me a headache. Stayed with friends who had previously run restaurants. They kept throwing in little 'challenges' in to see if I'd notice the wheat in things. Implied that by not eating wheat, I'm difficult to feed.
I'm not. Happy to eat anything else/ go without gravy/sauces/ bread. I'll have meat/fish/dairy/eggs/veg. It's really not hard! Don't need anything special.

It's as if choosing to not eat a thing unless you are actively allergic to it is to be stopped at all costs. Appalling if it's for religious reasons. But i too would be surprised if she's not sneaking pork products in deliberately.

I wouldn't eat there. So, invite for dinner? No thanks because my wife can't eat the food you make because of the whole pork thing. Come and stay? No thanks my wife can't eat the food you make, because you always seem to serve pork.

Rinse and repeat

I agree, once is a mistake, after that it's deliberate. Also very disrespectful that she can't make the effort to provide a meal that you are able to eat.

My Dd is a coeliac. She’s was only diagnosed after she moved out as an adult. She lives a few hours away, so cooking for her is not a regular occurrence.

I do forget sometimes for the little things, flour in the gravy, making sure I have gluten free soy sauce, Yorkshire puds in. But as soon as she reminds me I am always apologetic and will immediately look for a solution.

Similarly when she had a boyfriend with a lactose intolerance, I would buy in special food before a visit and check a meal plan.

I can’t believe it’s not deliberate, unless she is like this with other things (which you say she is not with ref your child’s food allergies) There are just some people around who don’t think other peoples preferences matter if they don’t agree with them.

Keep on with the pressure from your Dh or take your own food. Sometimes politeness becomes pointless with people like this.

That's so frustrating OP. Do you think she just likes to test the boundaries? I mean do they normally eat that much pork or does she save every pork meal until you visit? I don't really know what I'd do in that situation either as I don't like to be confrontational but it seems she is being defiant on purpose. I just feel if she respected your views, she wouldn't do it.

Can't help but feel she's doing it deliberately

Sadly I think it's unlikely to be accidental - the frequency and the adding of pork into meals that wouldn't typically include it.

Does she ever comment on your reasons for not eating pork or any other religious or cultural practices that you don't have in common?

In your situation, I would be taking my own (and DS's) food and not worrying about whether that upset her - as she doesn't seem to be worrying about making food that is suitable for you to eat.

Of course it's deliberate. It's very easy to cater without using pork. I realise that a minority might consider bacon a key ingredient in a steak pie, but it's not a given, and plenty of people would never use it.

It's sad that you have to do it, but it's probably best if you provide your own food and any time she comments on it, just say 'I brought my own because you can't be trusted not to put pork in the food'.

It certainly sounds like she's doing it deliberately.
You don't need to humour her about being forgetful (she's not being forgetful) and you don't need to worry about offending her by bringing your own food (her serving you pork is offensive)
I'd straight out tell her so, that's disgusting behavior on her part

I've also, sadly, read enough threads on here about relatives (often DGMs) who don't believe DGC have allergies and give them whatever the allergy food is, presumably so they can prove to the parents that the allergy doesn't exist/isn't that bad/they can eat the food etc etc when they give it to them without seeming to understand that in some situations it could be life threatening, so the idea that someone wouldn't respect a food preference for religious reasons doesn't surprise me at all

Sounds deliberate to me, especially as your husband has reminded several times. I would just not mention it again and when they serve food eat everything you can. Even if its only sides, check inside stuff as im sure she would try to include pork in sauce etc.

People like this love to get a reaction, its like people deliberately snubbing /making passive aggressive comments. They want you to bring it up so they can turn it around and make it seem like you are the problem.

when she asks why your not eating, calmly say 'I don't eat pork', and when she tries to make a big deal of being ditzy etc just smile, nod and move on. It will drive her crazy that her actions are not bothering you.

Have you actually asked her why she keeps forgetting? And have you tried reminding her before you go?

I would do both once and then just not go back

@planefullofotters thats exactly what the mil wants her to do. So then she can turn it around to be poor little me im so sorry I forget I put so much effort into meals etc etc

@SamphirethePogoingStickerist
Nah, that was just a random recipe, there's tons more. Didn't realise it was a thing tbh.

And lardons is pork

I'd wonder what else pork products have been sneaked (snuck?) into. Sounds like she's doing it deliberately

I would take my own food and wouldn’t worry about upsetting her. It sounds like she is doing it deliberately if she can remember your sons allergies but not that you don’t eat pork, so I wouldn’t worry about upsetting her.

@Chickchickchi

why don't you just refuse invitations to go?

DH can choose to go or not go (and support you).

it's not like you have a huge list of things you don't eat.

My MIL still cant seem to cater for my intolerances. So the last few years I've taken my own food, she gets offended but like fuck am I going to sit hungry when we visit.

Me and DH have been together 15 years. She is aware of my intolerances as she tells me about all the various free from things they sell where she works (supermarket). But then doesn't actually get anything in. Think buying a full buffet, fancy puddings, and more. And all i can eat is the salad and new potatoes. She still wants us to go over every year for Christmas Dinner, I refuse every time no way am I watching everyone eat a full roast while I eat a thermos of food I bring with me.

For her I believe its because she doesn't like me much. But I'm over it now, I bring my food so I'm not hungry and don't let it get to me. We go there so she can have a relationship with our children.

I'm not going to ask you OP to name your religion, but my guess is that you have a MIL who is either Islamophobic or anti-semitic.

Call her out on this and get the support of your DH if you can.

Sounds deliberate to be honest, no one, literally no one, puts bacon in steak pie.

She is doing this on purpose OP. As you say, she doesn't forget about your child's food requirements. Do you think she has an issue with your religion and is making a passive aggressive point about it?

I'd be increasingly less polite. I'd start by enquiring at the beginning of every meal "just to check, there's no pork in this is there? Bacon, gammon?"

If she kept "slipping up" I'd bring my own food and say "I know you find it difficult to remember about my dietary requirements, but it's very important I don't eat pork, so I think it's better if I bring my own food".

I'd also get your DH to have a stern word before you next visit, reminding her of what's happened this NYE and checking what she's planning to serve/that there's no pork.

Could you ask her to show you the recipe?

Or text and ask her for the page/link

Acting ditzy when she’s reminded makes it seem like it’s deliberate. Any normal respectful person would be saying they’re so sorry/mortified they forgot/please forgive me/let me get you something else etc.

Perhaps your husband should develop a new allergy to pork products - bet she'd remember then!