How to deal with this - dietary requirements ignored

[Chickchickchi]

I don’t eat pork for religious reasons. I eat everything else, so it’s just the one requirement I have.

I’ve been with DH for around 7 years now. We visit PIL a few times a year and now is one of our visits.

MIL always forgets I don’t eat pork and half the time makes things I can’t eat. When we arrived after travelling all day, she made us all ham sandwiches. No issue, I went and made a cheese sandwich for DS and me. Yesterday, she made steak pie for NYE and added bacon, which I didn’t know or realise until I started eating. On previous visits, she has served bacon rolls, made gammon steak or use pork mince in her cooking.

I honestly don’t know if she forgets or deliberately forgets, as DS has a couple of food allergies and she doesn’t forget those, but always forgets that I don’t eat pork. It’s becoming frustrating and I don’t know what to do. DH tries to check every meal before she serves it, but he’s not hovering over her the kitchen all the time to check what she’s doing and even when he does check, she doesn’t list every ingredient.

Before anyone starts, in those situations I have just the sides or have a bowl of cereal for dinner or something so I don’t make a fuss, but I don’t know what to do. She gets offended and stroppy if I take over meals for DS and me and tell her not to cook us anything, but she keeps forgetting pork is not an option for us.

Any ideas on how to manage?

It’s difficult to imagine this as anything other than deliberate.

It’s not like it’s an occasional slip up, and she’s apologetic and offering to make you a replacement main course.

I’d take my own food and not worry about it upsetting her at this point.

@fancyacuppatea I asked about the husband because my sister is veggie, has been for 40 years. My BIL is not. At their house for the last 30 years they have vegetarian food. However, at other people's houses where there is meat or eating out my BIL will eat meat. He is not vegetarian. My sister is not a preachy veggie, she does Christmas dinner at her house and my BIL cooks a turkey crown. She is fine for us to eat meat in her house.

I am wondering if the MIL sees the denial of pork in her son's home as some sort of judgement on the OP and that is why she goes out of her way to provide pork. Almost like a here son, I will let you eat pork here. He doesn't seem to reject the pork there, tucks into bacon rolls, eats the gammon. I am thinking that from the outside to the MIL she sees it that the OP rules the house with the no pork rule. The husband doesn't seem to request a meal they can all eat, yes he seems to be active in making sure his wife and son don't get pork but a bit of solidarity might help.

I’ve noticed that with the ready meal beef lasagnas in the supermarkets.

Some of them have pork in, some of them just have beef in.

It seems to be the more expensive ones that have the pork in, the taste the difference / finest ranges rather than the standard ready meal range.
So I can see how someone might accidentally serve a guest a lasagna ready meal with pork in, if they usually get lasagna from the standard ready meal range, but decide they’ll get the fancy meal for the guest.

Although of course that’s different from OP’s scenario, where her MIL is cooking meals from scratch and can easily leave pork / bacon out altogether.

It’s childish and disrespectful behavior, almost like she wants to trick you into eating it unknowingly. Take a ready-meal to warm up in the microwave and never eat anything that she has cooked again. Other family members will notice and ask and then you can explain that MIL is a little “forgetful “. She will not look good.

No way would I eat at her home at all.
She is very disrespectful.. Your dh should be having stern words.

She is doing this on purpose. There is no other explanation. If she had issues with her memory she could easily stick a big note somewhere in her kitchen reminding her that you and your son don't eat pork.

It is incredibly sneaky and disrespectful. I assume she resents your religion and the fact that your son is following the same diet.

What I don't understand is why your husband has not had a strongly worded conversation with her by now. He is enabling her disrespect. He should make it clear that he and his family will no longer visit if that continues. He should have done that long ago in fact.

Call her out on it!
take your own food and she can stick her offense. My son has severe allergies and I always take his food.
just add pork to your sons allergy list / or her sons !

It doesn't really matter what people believe belongs in a steak pie! If you can't have pork products that means no pork products.

I wonder whether she chose steak pie because it sounds like it doesn't contain pork. Is she trying to trick you?

Pork mince in a bolognaise? I don’t think I’ve ever seen pork mince in the supermarket. How odd. As for pork in a steak pie, seriously? Never heard of that. Pretty easy to NOT add pork into recipes.

Sorry OP but I've never heard of pork going into a steak pie. No one is that ritzy. Very much sounds like she doesn't like you. Definitely just take your own food going forward. She. Cannot get stroppy about it as she has shown everyone how "forgetful" she is about your dietary requirements so you'll just be a thoughtful dil helping her out 😉

*ritzy not ritzy

Ditzy!!!

I would take your own food for you and ds, but also I would expect your Dh to make a fuss and perhaps also refuse to eat any pork based meals there.

It’s not hard to get it right. I was a vegetarian and we kept kosher for dc. So no meat for me and no pork/shellfish for dc. MIL never once forgot, though I did often bring my own main course as I think that’s just helpful and easier for everyone.

It’s your dh’s family though and I can’t imagine not just being like ‘we can’t eat that, you know!’ in that sort of situation.

I'm Coeliac, lactose intolerant and take medication that affects my immune system. DP is a one man environmental health department for my sole benefit and not one item of pig - not ham, not lardons, not pancetta, not lard or cooking fat (did she make the pastry? Willing to bet there was lard in it if she did), stock or anything else that is regarded as haram or non kosher would get anywhere near me and he'd be checking on his watch if enough time had elapsed between eating dairy and meat/cleaning the kitchen for Passover himself if I had religious requirements to follow.

You either need your DH to step up like that for you or you stay away with your DC. After all, if she's so ditzy, she can't cope with pork products, she can't be trusted with allergens, can she?

It's absolutely deliberate. She's being a bitch, and a bit of a bigot.

I would stop visiting, she is doing it deliberately IMO. Get your DH to explain why you and your DS are not visiting any more, and tell her she is welcome ta yours where you can do the cooking.

Does she sever ask for DS to stay with them? Because you should give a tinkly little laugh and remind her of all the times she’s put pork in his food, so how could you be sure she would remember to exclude the things he’s actually allergic to …?

It’s really rude and disrespectful and your DH needs to call her out on this.

Not just gently remind then ask what’s for dinner.

So you arrive and she’s made ham sandwiches. He needs to be vocal about the fact you don’t eat pork, why has she made you a ham sandwich- now you’ll have to make something different. Etc.

Same for the steak pie ‘Why have you put pork in this? You know x doesn’t eat pork for religious reasons. Now she can’t have dinner’

Then if after being more forthright she still
persists then he tells her you won’t be eating at hers as she seems unable to accommodate your dietary requirements for some reason and you both find it rude and disrespectful.

This is a complete no. Your dh needs to vocalise that’s it not acceptable and that you will need to bring your own food in future. Or he needs to clarify everything before every meal. It’s totally disrespectful of her

So being completely honest, I do wonder if it is deliberate, but if I suggest that to DH he won’t be happy. His mum is very much on a pedestal and he thinks she’s very honest and would never tell even a white lie…I’ve caught her lies a few times and the first time I mentioned it to DH, he was convinced it was a misunderstanding and basically didn’t believe me. So I don’t say anything negative about his mum, which makes it tricky.

DH avoids pork because of DS and me, but he doesn’t not eat it, if that makes sense. So he’ll never bring pork home or order bacon with his breakfast when we’re out, but he would if I’m not there. I do wonder if his mum doesn’t like that DH has changed his eating habits because of me, but I really didn’t want to come across as a DIL slagging off her MIL. She is very good proud and is the sort of MIL who serves DH double the portion of my food, so I do suspect she is making a point. But to secretly feed me a pork is a big deal and I struggle to forgive her for that.

So from now on, I will make my own meals for the two of us and have DH deal with yje consequences.

Ask dh to humour you by doing an experiment.. Tell mil he has given up pork completely to support you and your dc. See if her attitude changes.

It’s not being negative or slagging off your MIL to call her out for what she’s doing. You can stay very factual and no/nonsense about it.

Good for you making your own meals - sounds best.

She is very good proud and is the sort of MIL who serves DH double the portion of my food, so I do suspect she is making a point.

I’d view the double portions as a separate issue, personally.

My MIL also serves DH double portions, but she’s always made an effort to remember my food preferences, and provide food I’m happy to eat when we visit - and my food preferences can only be described as fussy eating rather than religious dietary requirements or allergies.

But as your MIL has consistently shown that she’s either incapable or unwilling to remember and cater for your dietary requirements, making your own meals is the best way forwards.