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Original poster

I want Dh to get a vasectomy

99 replies

Usernumber463626363 · 30/12/2022 21:02

Obviously I can't make him do it. He said he'll think about it but he never does and he probably instantly forgot about it. I've just my Mirena coil changed and told him I'd like him to have it done within the next five years so I could perhaps have this one out and keep it out.

anyway, I am early thirties and him early forties, 10 year age gap. Together 10 years, I already had a DS when we met and we have Dd together. I don't want anymore babies, if he wants a baby he'll have to go elsewhere because there's no way I'm having another. I am pretty sure he does not want a baby though. Both our children have sen and I just do not want another baby, mr baby days are over, I had two traumatic c-sections too and was advised having another could make another c section difficult.

what scares me is I could be fertile for another 15-20 years. Not sure how likely but the thought of accidentally getting pregnant petrifies me!

I would like him to have a vasectomy so I can go natural with it. I didn't start my periods until I was 15/16 (no reason, just very late developer) periods were never problematic or heavy but irregular and went on the pill at 17, first baby at 19 and been on the pill, implant and now the Mirena. I would like to give my body a break from contraception one day.

any advice? Any men that's had it and can give some wisdom?

OP posts:

Needmoresleepmorecoffee · 30/12/2022 21:19

As you say it is up to him, his body his choice ect ect.

Most people don't want unnecessary surgical procedures. I think of all my friends none of their husbands have had vasectomies.

happysoul23 · 30/12/2022 21:23

I agree with you he should seriously consider having one.
It's not an unnecessary procedure like the previous poster suggested if you have completed your family. Why is it the woman's responsibility constantly?

RewildingAmbridge · 30/12/2022 21:23

DH is on the waiting list. My best make friends has had one, FIL has had one, my note deceased grandpa had one, they had six children and he thought enough was enough! I know quite a few men who have through work/hobbies etc. I guess some people may have and are just not discussing it publicly. It's not even a proper surgery, in and out very quickly, no overnight stay and no general anaesthetic. However you can't make him, you also don't need to have sex with him if he won't take responsibility for contraception for a change.

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Women's health

CeriB82 · 30/12/2022 21:23

You don’t want more kids? Get sterilised then.

ShesThunderstorms · 30/12/2022 21:29

My DP had one this year after two kids in two years. Honestly he was totally recovered within the week. He was very uncomfortable for maybe 2 days after the procedure, so much that even I, the most non sympathetic person ever, did make a bit of a fuss of him.
The op itself took 15 mins and was done at the doctors surgery.
If you're so worried about getting pregnant, would you consider being sterilised?
I didn't want to go through another thing so soon after having two kids close together so DP took one for the team. But I would consider having it done still in the future just for double protection!

upfucked · 30/12/2022 21:33

Tell him you are having it out and you will only have sex with condoms from now on.

yaflouloci · 30/12/2022 21:36

In my group of 6 couples, 3 husbands have had vasectomies. Is not that uncommon.

userh79 · 30/12/2022 21:40

I really empathise OP. I would be devastated if my DH hadn't agreed to a vasectomy, thankfully he feels as strongly about not having any more children as I do. It's such a difficult situation because as you say you know you can't force him, but the female equivalent is not straight forward nor easy to obtain, so ultimately you lose having to remain responsible, and let's face it, resentful. And that resentment will no doubt build, I think considering all we do when it comes to birth control and procreating it's a small compromise on their behalf, one I would really struggle to understand my DH not being willing to make.

Loachworks · 30/12/2022 21:40

DH booked his while I was pregnant with planned DC3. He had it done within weeks of her arrival.
I had three difficult pregnancies with complications, including preeclampsia twice.
We always agreed that when we both felt our family was complete he would get a vasectomy as I had carried our DC and I didn't want to take any form of contraception longer than necessary.
DH said it was like being kicked hard in the testicles but was out and about the next day. He booked a week's annual leave and spent most of it gardening. He has no regrets. He was 40 and I was 34.

Brefugee · 30/12/2022 21:46

We insist that for women it's our body, our choice. The same applies to men.

But, OP, it is you that is absolutely sure you don't want another baby, for very good reason. So why aren't you considering a permanent solution to that, rather than wanting your partner to do it?

For sure, of the 2 options, vasectomy is probably the easier, safer and quicker one. But modern hysterectomies are much more straightforward than they used to be.

If you don't want to use a coil in 5 years, you could use condoms. Used properly they are pretty safe.

userh79 · 30/12/2022 21:50

But modern hysterectomies are much more straightforward than they used to be.

Did you mean to say hysterectomy? Surely they don't do that for birth control reasons?

LaLuz7 · 30/12/2022 21:54

You can definitely ask, but you cannot pressure.

FuckNuggets · 30/12/2022 21:56

Brefugee · 30/12/2022 21:46

We insist that for women it's our body, our choice. The same applies to men.

But, OP, it is you that is absolutely sure you don't want another baby, for very good reason. So why aren't you considering a permanent solution to that, rather than wanting your partner to do it?

For sure, of the 2 options, vasectomy is probably the easier, safer and quicker one. But modern hysterectomies are much more straightforward than they used to be.

If you don't want to use a coil in 5 years, you could use condoms. Used properly they are pretty safe.

Why would she need a hysterectomy unless it was medically necessary? Female sterilisation doesn't involve a hysterectomy.

lipstickwoman · 30/12/2022 21:56

Frankly had DH not, I'd have respected his decision. He'd have had to respect mine to never ever risk another pregnancy too.

Brefugee · 30/12/2022 21:58

Why would she need a hysterectomy unless it was medically necessary? Female sterilisation doesn't involve a hysterectomy.

so sue me i'm ignorant.
Whatever it is she needs for female sterilisation isn't the huge deal it used to be. And seeing that OP is the one who really is sure, she can do it if her DH clearly doesn't really want to.

userh79 · 30/12/2022 22:01

@Brefugee it's not anywhere near as easy as a vasectomy and is quite a challenge to get the NHS to do. I've had friends (2) who have tried and be turned down.

ImBlueDab · 30/12/2022 22:01

His body his choice, but it's also your body, your choice. If you don't want to be on contraception that's absolutely fine, but you then have a choice, you don't have sex or run the risk of an unwanted pregnancy

MajesticWhine · 30/12/2022 22:02

Sure it's his choice but I have more respect for men who make this choice when they are done with making babies, instead of leaving birth control to women for years and years. It's the decent thing to do.

Hibernatalie · 30/12/2022 22:03

DH has had one. He was in and out in 20 minutes. Least he could do really after everything I have shouldered! If he had refused I would have been sterilised myself but I would have felt resentful about it.

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 30/12/2022 22:06

Don't have sex with him he might reconsider

Hohofortherobbers · 30/12/2022 22:07

Brefugee, for someone who doesn't understand what female sterilisation even involves you seem to have a firm opinion on the risk and recovery from it!
It is not a low risk straightforward outpatient procedure like a vasectomy.

NewMoonPhase · 30/12/2022 22:09

Mine had the snip. Took him a good 5 years after our last dc.
It's brilliant. Tell him he'll get loads more sex!
My DH was in and out of hosp no probs. Bit sore for a week. I have had 2 C secs. So it was really time he took one for the team.

PointlessPoster · 30/12/2022 22:13

My DH had one done earlier this year, at the local doctors under local anaesthesia. It wasn't any bother, he had a small wound on the front of his scrotum about the size of my little fingernail which soon healed, he was sore for about 2 days. I work in operating theatres and have seen female sterilisation being done, they are far more invasive with laparascopic instruments and a GA. After me having 2 children it was the least he could do.

I am now on no contraception and it's GREAT! my sex drive is much better than it was, I just feel so much better in myself.

Brefugee · 30/12/2022 22:15

it's not anywhere near as easy as a vasectomy and is quite a challenge to get the NHS to do. I've had friends (2) who have tried and be turned down.

well, @userh79 that is their experience. Clearly there is a risk to OP if she falls pregnant again so she needs to be pushy. She has 5 years because she just had a new coil. So in her shoes I'd be going for it.

Because, clearly, her DH isn't on board with getting a vasectomy. And you can't force anyone to do that. So in the absence of cooperation from her DH, OP needs to take charge. And if she can't / won't go for sterilisation, then she needs another solution. Not ideal in a relationship, but also not unusual.

Brefugee · 30/12/2022 22:17

Brefugee, for someone who doesn't understand what female sterilisation even involves you seem to have a firm opinion on the risk and recovery from it!
It is not a low risk straightforward outpatient procedure like a vasectomy.

since i'm not the only person who has written about how it's not the way it used to be (note i have not ever said it is as straightforward as a vasectomy, nor have i said it is a piece of cake) i really don't care what anyone thinks.

Because the simple fact is this: OPs DH doesn't appear to actually want to get a vasectomy, and nobody can force him to. She needs her own strategy

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