I want Dh to get a vasectomy

[Usernumber463626363]

Obviously I can't make him do it. He said he'll think about it but he never does and he probably instantly forgot about it. I've just my Mirena coil changed and told him I'd like him to have it done within the next five years so I could perhaps have this one out and keep it out.

anyway, I am early thirties and him early forties, 10 year age gap. Together 10 years, I already had a DS when we met and we have Dd together. I don't want anymore babies, if he wants a baby he'll have to go elsewhere because there's no way I'm having another. I am pretty sure he does not want a baby though. Both our children have sen and I just do not want another baby, mr baby days are over, I had two traumatic c-sections too and was advised having another could make another c section difficult.

what scares me is I could be fertile for another 15-20 years. Not sure how likely but the thought of accidentally getting pregnant petrifies me!

I would like him to have a vasectomy so I can go natural with it. I didn't start my periods until I was 15/16 (no reason, just very late developer) periods were never problematic or heavy but irregular and went on the pill at 17, first baby at 19 and been on the pill, implant and now the Mirena. I would like to give my body a break from contraception one day.

any advice? Any men that's had it and can give some wisdom?

Have you actually spoken to a GP? Or just going on what you mother says? And people on here?

when i got sterilised i was referred at 34 yrs of age in the july and had the operation in September.

its really rude and inconsiderate of women to think its down to the man to have a vasectomy just because they have given birth. Like they think the man owes them something in return

"its really rude and inconsiderate of women to think its down to the man to have a vasectomy just because they have given birth. Like they think the man owes them something in return"

You're wrong. It's not 'like' your male partner owes you something - he just DOES IN FACT OWE YOU SOMETHING if you have carried and birthed his children.

Having kids is a massively one-sided thing! And my DH and I are a good team and typically support each other fairly and equally. I've got no issue calling in the favour he owes me in terms of 2 decades of contraception falling to me...

My DH is booked in for his vasectomy next week. If he wasn't willing to do this for our family then that would be a deal-breaker for me.

You are sprouting a shitloads of bollocks. No one owes you anything.

DH was a big boy. Made up his own mind, booked it himself, had it done, was back on his bike the next weekend.

This is a fair point. Why are you pressing your DH to have the surgery and not yourself ?

Goodness me, it's not a butt implant.

It's contraception, it's very necessary especially as an additional pregnancy would put OP at risk.

Obviously it's his body but I'd find it hard to love or trust a man who made contraception all my responsibility and expected my body to once again pay the toll. It's selfish and uncaring.

Risks of a vasectomy are an infection and potential long terms pain.

Risks if female sterilisation are an infection, internal bleeding and potential damage to other organs. As well as the risk of still getting pregnant and it being ectopic (which carries its own risk of death).

Ive asked DH to have a vasectomy (we have 3 kids), he doesn’t want to use condoms and I got pregnant (and terminated) on the mini pill earlier this year and the combined pill doesn’t agree with me. He’s having a vasectomy, because neither of us want another child and the risk for me being sterilised are far more severe than they are for him and after already having 3 pregnancies, including having preeclampsia, I’ve already taken enough risk. So it’s condoms or a vasectomy basically. And like most men, he doesn’t like condoms.

it still involves a GA or a spinal block, vasectomies involve a local anaesthetic only - a very significant difference.
A GA is a significant risk even discounting any actual surgical procedure. People die just because of a GA.
spinal blocks are less risky, but a significant number of people have very bad reactions to them including spinal headaches which are agony and caused where spinal fluid leaks through the puncture sight. I have had those and you
literally can’t move due to intense pain that can go on for several days.

there is also a risk of adhesions with female sterilisation. Any operation, key hole or not, in the abdomen can result in adhesions. I have a twisted spine and bad back problems due to adhesions form c-section 30 years ago. It got worse with age.

the nhs site advises 5 days off work as opposed to a bloke being able to return to work within 2 days. And advises no lifting for a week. It therefore requires more time off work - that would need to be taken as annual leave as it is elective surgery.

yes, laposcropy has reduced risk of open abdominal surgery but there are still way more significant risks with female sterilisation. For this reason it is a more expensive option for the nhs -a hospital bed for a day case, theatre time, surgeon, anaesthesatist, nurses etc. off course most hospitals want to avoid it and push for men to have vasectomies as a cheaper, easier, less risky option.

The op has already risked her health by pregnancy, birth and hormones. It should not be necessary for her to continue to suck up the risks so they can have sex. A decent bloke would shoulder his share - of very low risk in comparison.

This is really interesting! Among our friends (were late thirties) of those who've completed their families all but one of the men have had vasectomies it just seems like the obvious choice.

Women could go through years of hormonal contraception and most husbands/partners are happy to step up after the childbearing is done.

Absolutely no one should be forced though but equally you shouldn't feel forced to use a coil, if neither of you want to do anything about it stick to hand stuff/oral?

I wasn’t asked after second c-section. I don’t think that is standard.

this!

I wouldn't want a vasectomy if I was a man. It's so final and you never know what the future holds. What if you get hit by a bus tomorrow or run off with another man. He might meet someone else he wants to have a family with.
Fair enough if you don't want to use contraception. Just tell him he has to use condoms from now on.
I wouldn't dream of telling DH to get a vasectomy. It's entirely up to him. I'd be pretty pissed off if he pressurised me to get sterilised.

My dp point blank refuses to entertain the idea. We've used condoms for 20 years. I don't see what the big deal is personally.

Get sterilised then 🤷‍♀️

I was sterilised at 30 as I knew I never wanted children ( I'm now 60 so it was a while ago )
Procedure was incredibly straightforward. One of my best decisions ever

The op has already risked her health by pregnancy, birth and hormones. It should not be necessary for her to continue to suck up the risks so they can have sex. A decent bloke would shoulder his share - of very low risk in comparison.

i don't know how many more times, or different ways to say this.

He isn't being a decent bloke if he's saying no. Since OP can't Lorena Bobbit his dick, she is going to have to find her own solution.

Yet again: best case, he steps up. Probable case: OP needs an alternative solution

@tirednewmumm I'm in my mid fifties, and among our friends this is also the case.
All bar one of a group of ten or so men have opted for vasectomy, agreeing it seemed fair. And nine seemed to be wanting to hedge their bets in having second families either.

Erm nope they are a major op

Yes it is!

You're wrong. It's not 'like' your male partner owes you something - he just DOES IN FACT OWE YOU SOMETHING if you have carried and birthed his children

Do you live in 1810?

By your logic women who do not work must owe their partnets something for bringing home the bacon.

I cannot believe people are saying that rather. Than get a vasectomy (day surgery) she should get sterilised (very serious operation) 😮

contraception is a man’s responsibility too !

Most men who love their wives and have finished their families would do it in a heartbeat. All of our middle-aged friends have done that. It’s a simple quick procedure and it’s only fair. The women has done her part, now time for the bloke to step up.

Lots of selfish men won’t though and that’s why you get a lot of defensive women on these threads dramatically telling other women off that’s it’s solely their responsibility. No, these women couldn’t possibly tell a man to have a minor surgical procedure the poor things… 🙄

Obviously it's very polarising.
The simple fact is it might be that OPs husband is the loveliest bloke in the world in all other respects, but if he's not going to help her out here by stepping up, there is nothing OP or anyone else can do about it, is there? So yes, he's being an utter shit. But that is the situation.

OP most definitely doesn't want to get pregnant again, with very good reason. And absent her confirmation (unless i missed it) that she has actually broached this with her GP, we don't know if she'd be considered or not for a sterilisation.
She has a coil, which gives her a bit of breathing space to make a decision.

100% no conception? no more sex.
or condoms (not latex which complicates things)
or the pill (IIRC OP doesn't want to use hormonal contraception, i don't blame her)
and so on.

But pp can go on and on about what the DH in this scenario should do. We know what he should do. But he isn't doing it, so all discussion that revolves around a vasectomy is the internet equivalent of banging your head against a brick wall.

As you say, you can’t force him.

it may depend on how frequently you are DTD. E may be more inclined if it’s fairly regular; less so if it’s birthdays and anniversaries etc!