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Original poster

I want Dh to get a vasectomy

99 replies

Usernumber463626363 · 30/12/2022 21:02

Obviously I can't make him do it. He said he'll think about it but he never does and he probably instantly forgot about it. I've just my Mirena coil changed and told him I'd like him to have it done within the next five years so I could perhaps have this one out and keep it out.

anyway, I am early thirties and him early forties, 10 year age gap. Together 10 years, I already had a DS when we met and we have Dd together. I don't want anymore babies, if he wants a baby he'll have to go elsewhere because there's no way I'm having another. I am pretty sure he does not want a baby though. Both our children have sen and I just do not want another baby, mr baby days are over, I had two traumatic c-sections too and was advised having another could make another c section difficult.

what scares me is I could be fertile for another 15-20 years. Not sure how likely but the thought of accidentally getting pregnant petrifies me!

I would like him to have a vasectomy so I can go natural with it. I didn't start my periods until I was 15/16 (no reason, just very late developer) periods were never problematic or heavy but irregular and went on the pill at 17, first baby at 19 and been on the pill, implant and now the Mirena. I would like to give my body a break from contraception one day.

any advice? Any men that's had it and can give some wisdom?

OP posts:
Greybeardy · 30/12/2022 22:18

Vasectomy isn’t the completely risk free procedure most people think - about 1:100 men develop chronic post vasectomy pain. There’s pros & cons to everything…can definitely ask him to think about it but personally I wouldn’t criticise if he declined.

EileenAdler · 30/12/2022 22:21

userh79 · 30/12/2022 21:40

I really empathise OP. I would be devastated if my DH hadn't agreed to a vasectomy, thankfully he feels as strongly about not having any more children as I do. It's such a difficult situation because as you say you know you can't force him, but the female equivalent is not straight forward nor easy to obtain, so ultimately you lose having to remain responsible, and let's face it, resentful. And that resentment will no doubt build, I think considering all we do when it comes to birth control and procreating it's a small compromise on their behalf, one I would really struggle to understand my DH not being willing to make.

Vasectomy isn’t risk free and PVPS is frequently untreatable.

userh79 · 30/12/2022 22:21

she needs to be pushy

Make up your mind up, she needs to accept his choice, or be pushy? I think he needs to think of his wife. In a stable, respectful and loving relationship I can't see a scenario where a man would refuse and risk his wife a) having an unwanted pregnancy b) invasive and not simple to obtain procedure c) prolonged birth control responsibly; vs a simple local procedure. I'm just grateful I'm in a relationship where my husband wouldn't expect that, even though I know he'd prefer to not have to have a medical procedure, but he knows it's the most reasonable option.

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Women's health
userh79 · 30/12/2022 22:23

Vasectomy isn’t risk free and PVPS is frequently untreatable.

I didn't say it was, but neither is unprotected sex nor female contraception. No medical procedure is completely without risk, as adults, we need to decide what risk is acceptable for sex. After 2 children (3 pregnancies thanks to failed contraception) and various forms of birth control, I'm done.

LaBaDeeLaBaDa · 30/12/2022 22:24

Vasectomy isn’t risk free and PVPS is frequently untreatable

Pregnancy and childbirth isn't risk-free and post-natal injuries are frequently untreatable.

Frankly, a vasectomy is the least they can do. You can't force someone, but I'd find it hard not to be resentful

Joshitai · 30/12/2022 22:24

My DH booked his vasectomy as soon as last DC was 3 months old.
He believed strongly that the 3 days of discomfort was a teeny tiny price to pay compared to four pregnancies, four childbirths and four recoveries!

Which is 100% the right way to view it.

He was worried sex would not feel the same for him, but it does.

YANBU to ask your DH to get a vasectomy and ensure he makes an informed decision.

PopUpMoon · 30/12/2022 22:29

CeriB82 · 30/12/2022 21:23

You don’t want more kids? Get sterilised then.

Hahahahahaha. They’ll just tell her to keep having the coils in. Meanwhile, her DH would be snipped within a few months.

Almost all of my friends DHs have had the snip and none waited more than 16 weeks. But not after my friends had spent 2-3 years being refused sterilisation.

LaLuz7 · 30/12/2022 22:30

LaBaDeeLaBaDa · 30/12/2022 22:24

Vasectomy isn’t risk free and PVPS is frequently untreatable

Pregnancy and childbirth isn't risk-free and post-natal injuries are frequently untreatable.

Frankly, a vasectomy is the least they can do. You can't force someone, but I'd find it hard not to be resentful

It's not a choice between vasectomy or pregnancy/birth though. That's a false equivalence. There's lots of viable alternatives.

EileenAdler · 30/12/2022 22:31

userh79 · 30/12/2022 22:23

Vasectomy isn’t risk free and PVPS is frequently untreatable.

I didn't say it was, but neither is unprotected sex nor female contraception. No medical procedure is completely without risk, as adults, we need to decide what risk is acceptable for sex. After 2 children (3 pregnancies thanks to failed contraception) and various forms of birth control, I'm done.

But it’s not your decision to make, even as an adult.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/12/2022 22:31

Brefugee · 30/12/2022 21:46

We insist that for women it's our body, our choice. The same applies to men.

But, OP, it is you that is absolutely sure you don't want another baby, for very good reason. So why aren't you considering a permanent solution to that, rather than wanting your partner to do it?

For sure, of the 2 options, vasectomy is probably the easier, safer and quicker one. But modern hysterectomies are much more straightforward than they used to be.

If you don't want to use a coil in 5 years, you could use condoms. Used properly they are pretty safe.

You don't get your uterus removed in order to be steralised. 🙄

PopUpMoon · 30/12/2022 22:32

LaLuz7 · 30/12/2022 22:30

It's not a choice between vasectomy or pregnancy/birth though. That's a false equivalence. There's lots of viable alternatives.

Show quote history

For women, yes. We spend a lifetime taking hormonal contraception, get the blame if we fall pregnant, pregnancy, birth, all the newborn grunt work. Whilst men refuse to wear a condom or get the snip.

DuplicateUserName · 30/12/2022 22:33

RewildingAmbridge · 30/12/2022 21:23

DH is on the waiting list. My best make friends has had one, FIL has had one, my note deceased grandpa had one, they had six children and he thought enough was enough! I know quite a few men who have through work/hobbies etc. I guess some people may have and are just not discussing it publicly. It's not even a proper surgery, in and out very quickly, no overnight stay and no general anaesthetic. However you can't make him, you also don't need to have sex with him if he won't take responsibility for contraception for a change.

It's not even a proper surgery, in and out very quickly, no overnight stay and no general anaesthetic.

Of course it's proper surgery.

LaLuz7 · 30/12/2022 22:35

PopUpMoon · 30/12/2022 22:32

For women, yes. We spend a lifetime taking hormonal contraception, get the blame if we fall pregnant, pregnancy, birth, all the newborn grunt work. Whilst men refuse to wear a condom or get the snip.

Show quote history

There's non-hormonal options out there and OP gave no indication that he would be opposed to condoms.

I agree that it's unfair that women carry a much bigger burden, but it's just how biology works.

The kind thing for him to do would be to go for the vasectomy, but the concept of bodily autonomy also applies to men, so he is free to say no and should not be pressured or shamed.

Brefugee · 30/12/2022 22:35

Make up your mind up, she needs to accept his choice, or be pushy?

with her request to be sterilised. It's not difficult to understand.

Yes, her DH is being a shit about it. But nobody can make anyone have any procedure: their body their choice.
So OP needs to be pragmatic about what her actual choices are. She has time to think since she just got a new coil fitted
She may be able to persuade her DH to step up. If not she needs to get pushy with her healthcare provider to get a sterilisation.

userh79 · 30/12/2022 22:36

But it’s not your decision to make, even as an adult.

No I could not make that decision on my own nor did I. In an adult relationship we made the decision together just as we both decide to have sex. The first thing the Dr asked was what I had said. It was a discussion, of course if he didn't want it he wouldn't get it, but it would have affected our relationship as I would have been resentful and lost respect. Thankfully he respects me enough to be able to make the reasonable risk based decision himself factoring in the risks for both of us.

PopUpMoon · 30/12/2022 22:36

LaLuz7 · 30/12/2022 22:35

There's non-hormonal options out there and OP gave no indication that he would be opposed to condoms.

I agree that it's unfair that women carry a much bigger burden, but it's just how biology works.

The kind thing for him to do would be to go for the vasectomy, but the concept of bodily autonomy also applies to men, so he is free to say no and should not be pressured or shamed.

Show quote history

Considering that men are fertile 24/7, and women are not, then no, that’s not how biology works. Talk about false equivalences.

userh79 · 30/12/2022 22:39

There's non-hormonal options out there and OP gave no indication that he would be opposed to condoms.

I have had completely unprotected sex once in my life, and been pregnant 3 times. 1 of those pregnancies was a result of a condom breaking, and the other I had a coil fitted.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 30/12/2022 22:40

@Usernumber463626363

Have you considered sterilisation?

Brefugee · 30/12/2022 22:40

Ideal world?

OPs DH would make the appointment and get the vasectomy.

Real world? DH kicking his heels. OP now has around 4 or 5 years to get arrangements in place for her next move. So that means: trying to persuade DH to get a vasectomy, working out what other contraception will work for them, requesting sterilisation for herself and pushing to be heard by the healthcare professionals who have warned her of the dangers to herself of another pregnancy.

I'd hope we'd all be in an equal partnership with our partners who would have a vasectomy if we asked them to. But considering many men won't even put their own cups in the dishwasher when asked, we have to make alternative plans.

EileenAdler · 30/12/2022 22:40

userh79 · 30/12/2022 22:36

But it’s not your decision to make, even as an adult.

No I could not make that decision on my own nor did I. In an adult relationship we made the decision together just as we both decide to have sex. The first thing the Dr asked was what I had said. It was a discussion, of course if he didn't want it he wouldn't get it, but it would have affected our relationship as I would have been resentful and lost respect. Thankfully he respects me enough to be able to make the reasonable risk based decision himself factoring in the risks for both of us.

As long as he is fully aware of the risk he is taking. Let’s hope he is.

Soozikinzii · 30/12/2022 22:41

I was sterilised after 5 babies and honestly it was fine . Its just keyhole as a day patient. My sister who was a consultant paediatrician also had it done, recommended it to me .

userh79 · 30/12/2022 22:45

As long as he is fully aware of the risk he is taking. Let’s hope he is.

Na Eileen, he's just a downtrodden stupid man who hasn't done any research on the matter Hmm

userh79 · 30/12/2022 22:46

@Soozikinzii I suspect you didn't need to put up much of a fight after 5 kids, honestly it's like hen's teeth for some women in some areas. It really isn't as freely available as an option as the snip is in most cases.

rwalker · 30/12/2022 22:46

I had a vasectomy sold to me as a walk in the park in and out in 30 minutes all done

the reality massive infection another operation at one point there was talk of me loosing a testical due to complications
years on still suffer pain that can sometimes stop me in my tracks
worst decision ever side effects of long term pain more common than you think about 1 in 10 will have problems

Brefugee · 30/12/2022 22:47

but if the healthcare professionals have told OP that a pregnancy is a risk, it is hardly as if she is waltzing in demanding a sterilisation as a young, childless woman.
And if she hasn't asked, it's all academic anyway.
But i would get why she wouldn't want to do that. And i get why her DH wouldn't want a vasectomy.
So OP needs better, or different, strategies to not face that danger.

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