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Original poster

I want Dh to get a vasectomy

99 replies

Usernumber463626363 · 30/12/2022 21:02

Obviously I can't make him do it. He said he'll think about it but he never does and he probably instantly forgot about it. I've just my Mirena coil changed and told him I'd like him to have it done within the next five years so I could perhaps have this one out and keep it out.

anyway, I am early thirties and him early forties, 10 year age gap. Together 10 years, I already had a DS when we met and we have Dd together. I don't want anymore babies, if he wants a baby he'll have to go elsewhere because there's no way I'm having another. I am pretty sure he does not want a baby though. Both our children have sen and I just do not want another baby, mr baby days are over, I had two traumatic c-sections too and was advised having another could make another c section difficult.

what scares me is I could be fertile for another 15-20 years. Not sure how likely but the thought of accidentally getting pregnant petrifies me!

I would like him to have a vasectomy so I can go natural with it. I didn't start my periods until I was 15/16 (no reason, just very late developer) periods were never problematic or heavy but irregular and went on the pill at 17, first baby at 19 and been on the pill, implant and now the Mirena. I would like to give my body a break from contraception one day.

any advice? Any men that's had it and can give some wisdom?

OP posts:
EileenAdler · 30/12/2022 22:51

userh79 · 30/12/2022 22:45

As long as he is fully aware of the risk he is taking. Let’s hope he is.

Na Eileen, he's just a downtrodden stupid man who hasn't done any research on the matter Hmm

I’ve seen patients treated with morphine weeks after the procedure. And none of the doctors I work with would have it done. But I sure you would have respected your husband’s decision, either way 👏

Notateacheranymore · 30/12/2022 22:55

userh79 · 30/12/2022 21:50

But modern hysterectomies are much more straightforward than they used to be.

Did you mean to say hysterectomy? Surely they don't do that for birth control reasons?

Why not? I knew from my teens that I was childfree, and asked for a hysterectomy the first time I renewed contraceptive prescription after getting married. Next anniversary is number 25 and we still don’t have kids but I had to wait 20 years for my op, and it’s not like I was renewing my story with different GP’s. When we bought this house the GP was a fresh faced youth (in relative terms); still at the same surgery, but a little less fresh faced. The savings I could have made for the NHS on contraception, and for myself on sanitary protection, as well as the intangible, non-financial benefits to my mental health could fill numerous pages of a book.

userh79 · 30/12/2022 22:55

@Brefugee no I get that and she should ask so they can review all the options (and I hope he would go to the GP too to research on his side). But however you colour it, it's going to impact their relationship, because ultimately, if she has to be the one to take action to protect them both so they can both have sex, it's all on her isn't it? After years of birth control, pregnancy and traumatic births. And well it says a lot about him. For me it just feels like one of those pivotal moments in a relationship. Hopefully physically she will get it sorted one way or the other, but it could be at the cost of their relationship if she has to take it on herself (nor am I saying he should do it reluctantly, or be forced, because that's not the answer either. But it's hard to see how he could view it reasonable for him not to).

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Women's health
Brefugee · 30/12/2022 22:58

where have i indicated it won't impact their relationship?
I believe in pragmatism.
if OP wants to avoid pregnancy, she needs strategies. One would be her DH getting the snip. He won't. Next tactic needs to be employed.

One result of this could be her DH finally takes the steps to get the vasectomy, but who knows? Maybe OP should speak plainly "you are putting our marriage in jeopardy"? Only OP knows if that will work

userh79 · 30/12/2022 22:59

I’ve seen patients treated with morphine weeks after the procedure. And none of the doctors I work with would have it done. But I sure you would have respected your husband’s decision, either way

And statistically how many men has that happened to?

Shall I reel off my birth injuries to you? And my severe reaction to hormonal contraceptives? Or can we assume my fully adult man of a husband knows what is best for us more than some random on the internet?

Let's face it, the society we live in if vasectomies had such a catastrophic impact on men they wouldn't happen. Men are pretty good at protecting themselves like that, especially institutionally.

MistyFrequencies · 30/12/2022 23:01

I said his body, his choice, my body my choice. And my choice was no more invasive/hormonal contraception. So we used condoms. Until he chose to get a vasectomy as he didnt want to use condoms anymore.

LaBaDeeLaBaDa · 30/12/2022 23:04

It's not a choice between vasectomy or pregnancy/birth though. That's a false equivalence. There's lots of viable alternatives.

That's not my point. My point is that marriage is a partnership, that both partners want children (and enjoy the immense benefits of having them), but that the women in the partnership have to bear the far greater risks of that. If the priority of both partners is now to not have children but to continue having sex, I would be highly resentful if my DH decided that the risks of vasectomy were just too much for him to take given the significantly greater risks I have taken in having our children, or that I would face in having either an unwanted pregnancy or abortion. That would be even more so the case if I were one of the many women who suffer bad side effects from hormonal contraception.

Basically, women are expected to put up with shedloads of often life-changing medical and hormonal shit in the pursuit of children at the right time. Men who expect a free ride can fuck right off, tbh

nokia3310000 · 30/12/2022 23:10

My DH is booked in for his in Feb, it was a long waiting list. We had quite a few tense conversations about it, I was not prepared to do any more hormonal contraceptives and therefore it was condoms or bust.

As much as I don't like the "tit for tat" conversation I do really respect him for taking one for the (our) team after all my body went through from two pregnancies, births and breastfeeding.

CheesenCrackersmm · 30/12/2022 23:10

His body so his choice and I have read that in some instances the op can cause pain for years after. However it is also your body your choice with the coil.

Perhaps you both need to start using a different kind of protection.

SortinMyMH · 30/12/2022 23:18

Dh had his.
Various reasons any form of contraceptive does not work for me.
He hates condoms.
We were in agrreeance no more dcs.

He did put it off at 1st then i said condom or no sex.
He booked it the following day. Was 6 week wait.
Done at doc surgery. Back to work following day witj different duties for a Few days

Shouldbedoing · 30/12/2022 23:20

At the risk of sounding cruel, you have two DC, he has only one DC. You are content with 2, and suffered to bring them into the world but he may not feel totally 'done'. And it's his body, his choice.

urrrgh46 · 31/12/2022 00:05

Am I the only one wondering why the OP didn't have her tubes tied as part of the second c section. I was asked several times if I wanted mine doing well before and as I signed the consent for my 2nd emergency c section. That would have saved a lot of bother for the OP now.

As to now. Op can request DH has the vasectomy but it's his body his choice. In Ops situation I would push for sterilisation on NHS or save up and have it done privately.

userh79 · 31/12/2022 00:12

@urrrgh46 I've always wondered if they do this in the UK, remember seeing it in US dramas etc. My only hesitation would be it being quite a hormonal time to make such a decision, that's not to say a woman shouldn't be able to make that decision though of course. Plus as OP has said her children have SEN I'm assuming it could not have been known the youngest had at that stage and I assume that has factored into her decision.

Fenella123 · 31/12/2022 00:17

How good is the relationship in general OP?

You said both kids have SEN and the oldest isn't his biological DC. Hopefully not the case here, but men seem to leave more often when the kids have extra needs - it's as if their subconscious says, "You could just bugger off and try for 'normal' kids with another woman, you don't have to stay here and struggle" and off. They. Go. And do just that, leaving the ex-wife literally holding the baby in one hand while she's on the phone to CMS with the other...

AliceMcK · 31/12/2022 00:28

We insist that for women it's our body, our choice. The same applies to men.

Agree with this.

I don’t think protection should be completely down to the woman but I wouldn’t pressure my DH into having a vasectomy. My DH made a Drs appointment after our 3rd to discuss it, after that he decided no, his decision.

Squamata · 31/12/2022 00:31

Watch out for the first period after coil removal op, mine was horrendous!

Wheredoallthepensgo · 31/12/2022 00:33

Brefugee · 30/12/2022 21:58

Why would she need a hysterectomy unless it was medically necessary? Female sterilisation doesn't involve a hysterectomy.

so sue me i'm ignorant.
Whatever it is she needs for female sterilisation isn't the huge deal it used to be. And seeing that OP is the one who really is sure, she can do it if her DH clearly doesn't really want to.

Every NHS trust around here does not offer female sterilisation unless absolutely essential for health. Vasectomies are available. Yet another way females suffer reduced choices due to Tories trying to run the NHS into the ground.

EileenAdler · 31/12/2022 06:25

userh79 · 30/12/2022 22:59

I’ve seen patients treated with morphine weeks after the procedure. And none of the doctors I work with would have it done. But I sure you would have respected your husband’s decision, either way

And statistically how many men has that happened to?

Shall I reel off my birth injuries to you? And my severe reaction to hormonal contraceptives? Or can we assume my fully adult man of a husband knows what is best for us more than some random on the internet?

Let's face it, the society we live in if vasectomies had such a catastrophic impact on men they wouldn't happen. Men are pretty good at protecting themselves like that, especially institutionally.

Because most men are ignorant of the risk of PVPS. But what do I know, just some random on the internet?

Teafor1please · 31/12/2022 06:30

The failure rate for female sterilisation is much higher than for a vasectomy.

Original poster
Usernumber463626363 · 31/12/2022 06:40

CeriB82 · 30/12/2022 21:23

You don’t want more kids? Get sterilised then.

I would if I could. Doctors are much more willing to refer a man for a vasectomy than they are for woman to get sterilised, especially as I'm early thirties. My mother begged for years and they refused for years!

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernumber463626363 · 31/12/2022 06:48

Thanks all. I should have said he hasn't said no but he hasn't said yes. He knows it's a good idea, he's just useless at getting himself an appointment and sorting it out - if he wanted to! Our Dd we have together is 7, coming on for 8. There is definitely no more babies on the agenda and this has always been the case. I was told another c-section would be a risk, my first was emergency, my second was planned snd was thought to be low risk (as low risk as c-sections can beg but had some serious complications that weren't detected. They didn't say I couldn't have another buy was advised not to!

I am a allergic to latex so we don't really use condoms. I know you can buy latex free...

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernumber463626363 · 31/12/2022 06:52

Squamata · 31/12/2022 00:31

Watch out for the first period after coil removal op, mine was horrendous!

I'm sorry to hear that. I can't remember what my periods were like after I had it out. I've had the Mirena 3 times now, the first I had for 2 years before trying for Dd, then I had another when she was 2 (after 2 years of taking the pill), had that one out in the summer recently and a new one put straight back in. I am happy to have this one for the whole 5 years but would like dh to think about it before I have to change it again. I don't really have periods with it (other than occasional very light bleeding) but I do get pms symptoms every month - with no actual bleeding. For a few days to a week of the month I'm a total mess!

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernumber463626363 · 31/12/2022 06:55

Shouldbedoing · 30/12/2022 23:20

At the risk of sounding cruel, you have two DC, he has only one DC. You are content with 2, and suffered to bring them into the world but he may not feel totally 'done'. And it's his body, his choice.

totally valid point. But he treats my older DS as his own, DS was very young when we met and has little contact with his own DF and feels he has 2 kids. I told him from the start I didn't want more than 2 dc. If he wants another baby he'll have to leave me and I'm sure he won't do that 😅

OP posts:
MrsBrandonspiano · 31/12/2022 06:58

You and your dd could go out in the car one day and not cone back. He might meet someone else and decide he wants a family. Its not your decision

Brefugee · 31/12/2022 07:30

I would if I could. Doctors are much more willing to refer a man for a vasectomy than they are for woman to get sterilised, especially as I'm early thirties.

i realise it is less than easy. But have you actually asked? you'Re early 30s now and as you said in your OP you have a new coil so a little time (5 years is usual, right?) and healthcare professionals have told you it would be dangerous. So you'll be mid-to-late 30s by then.

What if you made the appointment for him? would he go?