Teenagers refusing to go to parent’s wedding

[AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters]

I am keen to get a balanced view on this which is why I’m being vague about the details.
If two teenagers did not like their parent’s choice of spouse, should they be made to go to the wedding? The parent is aware of the feelings which have persisted for some time. The parent involved believes it’s the moral responsibility of the other parent to ensure the teens attend.

No. I don't think anyone has to attend a wedding. Not unless they are under about 13. No point having people at a wedding who'd be miserable there. They can stay over night with a friend or family member who's not going

It is up to the teens imo.
My teens declined an invite to their dad's wedding because it was clearly a last minute after thought and he was fine about it.
How can teens be forced to attend anyway ? That is not going to help the relationship with the parent or new spouse

I don’t think so, and the idea that the ex has a moral responsibility to get the kids to go to their other parents wedding is really weird and not something I would be entertaining in any way.

teenagers can make their own decision, i am assuming it wont look very good at the wedding when the children aren't in attendance. Although would be interested in the back story

If they don’t want to go … not a lot can be done!

I personally wouldn't force them to go

Up to the teens.
We didn't think my late-DHs children would attend our wedding, and we had discussions about whether we should get married given this. In the end he said it was up to them whether they came but we should get married anyway.
In the end they did come, but I think only because he was diagnosed with the illness which he subsequently died from before the wedding day.

No no point forcing it. And certainly not the other parent's job to force.

Who would it help? Teens aren't going to like new spouse more by being forced to watch wedding. Why would spouse and parent want people at the wedding who are not happy for them?

Weddings are about extending good wishes and celebrating a marriage. If they don't feel that, you can't force it or their presence.

Make sure teens know that parent and spouse would love them to be there, but fully support their right to choose.

My aunt is remarried and one of her DH kids didn’t go to their wedding, she hadn’t accepted her Ddad having a partner, she was in her 20s at the time and is now really close to my aunt, has taught her kids to call her granny etc and regrets not being there and not being in photos etc. My aunt was at her wedding which then happened a few years later. They might regret not going? But I don’t think they can be compelled to go!

I wouldn’t force it. Nothing worse than moody teenagers to ruin a gathering.

How do you force them to go?

No one, teenager or adult should be forced to attend a wedding.

And it’s certainly not the responsibility of the other parent to enforce it. Certainly not a moral obligation.

I can’t imagine expecting exh to enforce my kids to attend something with/for me. Wouldn’t even enter my head.

The only reason I would think the parent getting married would think this, is that they believe the teenagers aren’t attending due to the other parent.

How are you going to make them anyway? Carry them and tie them to a chair?

I'm not exactly sure how you can force teens to go to an event they really don't want to.

Even if you could through draconian measures such as banning devices and pocket money for a year, would you want them to be at a wedding looking miserable and potentially acting up?

That said, I understand why you are being light in detail, but I do think the reasons are a factor.

Is this an issue of genuine dislike that is not unwarranted and there have been no attempts to address this or immaturity in the sense of backlash against any new partner however much they had tried to build a positive relationship?

In the case of the latter I'd definitely be encouraging them to revisit their behaviour and reflect on their positions, but be backing their decision to the hilt in the case of the former.

No they should not be forced to go.

Think of all the serial adulterers (usually men) who dump their wife when she is 40 or so and then remarry a younger woman. No-one should be forced to attend such an event.

Nope. If they don’t want to go then they don’t go. I’m sure the parent would like them there but that’s not really up to them.

The parent getting married will have more good will from their children of they don't force the issue. If they don't want to go they shouldn't have to.

It could be said to be the moral responsibility of the other parent to facilitate attendance by the teens. But they are old enough to choose whether or not to take up the invitation.

Myself and siblings declined to attend my DF's wedding. One of us was a teen, the others in our 20s.

The teen sibling had been horrendously bullied by DF's second wife, at a vulnerable time soon after our mum died.

We knew we could not genuinely wish them a lifetime of happiness together - there was too much resentment and ill-feeling. So given that, we felt it was better not to attend.

No one could have forced us to be there and it would have been a bad call to have tried, IMHO.

I save all my “ persuasion “ energy with my teens for things I actually care about and that I believe will benefit them in the long term. Like working at their studies, brushing their teeth, using contraception and not taking drugs.

Trying to get them to attend a wedding to make my ex feel better would be WAY down the bottom of my list.

Part of growing up is realising that you won't like everyone and can't throw a tantrum every time you have to spend time with someone you don't like plus sometimes you have to do things to keep other people happy.

I'd tell them to consider everything and give it proper thought from both sides and if they still don't want to go that they don't have to.

Personally I think it's the right thing to be mature, accept the parents choice of partner and go to the wedding.

How exactly could you make a teenager attend a wedding

It would depend entirely on their relationship with their dad (assuming it's their dad getting married). If apart from this one issue they have a close and loving relationship with their dad, who provides for them and is supportive of them, I'd maybe suggest to them that they suck it up and attend with a good grace, although ultimately it's their choice. If actually he's a waste of space and an unreliable presence in their lives, I'd have better things to do than pressing this issue!

Are they choosing not to attend because they think their other (non marrying) parent will be upset? Has the marrying parent said the non marrying parent should help facilitate their attendance because they are aware the teens are saying that their other non parent will be upset. If so the non marrying parent should tell their kids that they don't have any issue with them attending the wedding.

Thank you for all the replies. I wanted to get a fair set of opinions since I am told my attitude is wrong! There is a loooong back story so here are some highlights:
I am the resident parent. ExDH is getting married to someone the DDs have only met around a dozen times. They are 17 and 16. They have liked his previous partners. His fiancée has been very angry with them a few times, shouts and tells them that they are annoying. They aren’t allowed to sit on certain seats (in what was their family home) and they barely see him now when he used to see them every weekend. The fiancée now wants to sell the home he fought me in court for.
ExDH didn’t tell them he was getting married. My friend saw an announcement on social media. They were asked to be bridesmaids after this and were supposed to go shopping for dresses at the start of December but the date came and went and nothing has been mentioned since. ExDH wouldn’t tell them when or where the wedding was. They had to wait for the invitation to find out. It’s in a few weeks so there’s not much time. DD1 is especially upset by the whole thing and feels ignored. She has tried to explain all this to ExDH who just dismisses her concerns.
I have told my DDs that they should think about going but that I won’t make them. Their dad says I am ‘being a boot’!

@SeasonFinale no. They aren’t concerned about this at all. He and I have been divorced for ten years and have both moved on.