Teenagers refusing to go to parent’s wedding

[AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters]

I am keen to get a balanced view on this which is why I’m being vague about the details.
If two teenagers did not like their parent’s choice of spouse, should they be made to go to the wedding? The parent is aware of the feelings which have persisted for some time. The parent involved believes it’s the moral responsibility of the other parent to ensure the teens attend.

If I was the parent in the relationship I wouldn't be getting married until things were properly sorted. If things are this bad that they won't even attend the wedding it is better for everyone that the wedding doesn't go ahead at this time. I suspect the parent getting married has their head in the sand and will go ahead anyway, alienating their own children before having another baby with he new partner and expecting them to be happy about it. These things can very often work out really well, but I think forcing it on people is just a good way to breed dislike and resentment.

Well, teens forced to be there and visibly sulking would just make for a lovely day. Great photos.
AHH remember our wedding when Jen and June sat there with faces like thunder?

If they feel so strongly, nobody benefits by forcing them.

Don't let him push anything on to you. Tell him "None of this has anything to do with me, it's between you and the children. They are old enough to make their own decisions and can't be forced into anything. If you believe that they can be compelled to attend, then it's up to you to make it happen."

No one should be forced to do something they don’t want to. My DF daughter refused to go to her ExDH new wife’s wedding. She was only 7 though. I thought it wrong as they tried to bribe her to go but she was adamnet she didn’t want to see her Daddy marry his new wife. In the end my DF kept her at home. It caused a huge issue with other relatives but her wishes had to be respected.

Under the circumstances you have posted, I absolutely wouldn't be making them go .
Its their father's fault for being a dick, why wouldn't he tell them where the venue is?

I would leave it totally up to them and support them with whatever they decide to do. They are old enough to make an informed decision. If they decide not to go, perhaps plan a special day out for the 3 of you or a self-care day at home if you can as an alternative.

The mans shitty fiancé should’ve treated them better if she wanted them to attend the latest wedding. The man should’ve prioritised his kids over his sex life if he didn’t want to look like a deadbeat failure at his latest wedding. Who cares? He has no reason to be contacting you at all, and his name calling means he needs blocked. The kids are almost adults and are free to live their lives.

Going from your further post providing background, I'd say that you're spot on in not forcing them!

It's clear your daughter is upset about your exDH actions. Irrelevant of whether or not you think they should go, I think giving them the choice, at their age, is absolutely the right thing to do.

Of course they shouldn't have to go if they don't want to.

Don't force them. He's being awful.

Yes, you'd think pure self interest would be reason enough not to try and force them to be there even if he doesn't give a shit about their feelings. What this wedding really needs is some angry, reluctant adolescents who've been dragged here against their will... said nobody ever.

I think they should be strongly encouraged to attend by their other parent but no forced

Do not make them go.

My Dad married a horrible woman/OW (I know because she bloody well harped on about it all the time, my poor mother never said a word) when I was 10 and I was made to go, be a bridesmaid. Awful.

He married an even worse woman (third wife) when I was 20. That time, I refused to go. I stood my ground. Drinks too much, was regularly violent to my Dad. I moved out around 4 months before the wedding because she had yet again attacked me when I was pulling her off my Dad, and that time, I called the police.

Unfortunately he is still with her, they now live hundreds of miles away and she has completely isolated him from his children/grandchildren.

The parent involved believes it’s the moral responsibility of the other parent to ensure the teens attend.

Good lord... It's very troubling & unhealthy to believe it is the other parents' responsibility to act as enforcer against the expressed wishes of a child (teen no less). This expectation around the wedding is unlikely to be an isolated example of this kind of behavior meaning it's pretty unsurprising the children don't want to attend that parent's wedding.

Unfortunately I think it’s not that unusual that the ex thinks it’s your responsibility to enforce their wishes for the child. These kids are practically adults, it’s really nothing to do with you to force or encourage. As resident parent I expect you’ve got enough rules you have to enforce for their well-being!

At 16 and 17, I would gently ask them to go, with willingness in their hearts, even if Dad is being a bit of a dick about it. It's one of those things that if you don't go, you can't repair. Do the right thing.

Yeah that’s what people told me at 20, yet at 37 I still don’t feel a shred of remorse for not going. It was the right choice.

Children don’t have to support the shitty decisions their parents make, especially once they’re teenagers and have actual autonomy over what they do or do not do.

Yes, the last thing these DC need is their mother as well as their father trying to pressure them into making nice with a person who treats them badly.

What does your ex expect you to do?

I am not sure how you can make them go even if you wanted to. I think as long as you don't encourage them to skip it you are doing all you can.

The option that won't happen would be for them to go, and then when the celebrant asks if there is any objections, one or both of them to object and make everyone else in the room aware of how unpleasant the prospective new wife is.

Not telling them until seeing it on social media is a fact not opinion, for example. Not telling the date well in advance (they could have been away).

No they absolutely should not be forced to attend. And reading your updates it's perfectly understandable why they wouldn't want to go.

I think it’s important that you support the teens in whatever choice they make and if they don’t want to go that’s fine.

I love @BlackAmericanoNoSugar's message, and think you should send that.

However (and I know this is contradictory) I think @Gingerlygreen's post is thoughtful and shows emotional maturity.
Although, having said that, have I correctly picked up that the teens are both girls?
It bothers me that girls are often under pressure to swallow their wants and needs for "niceness"

The parent that is getting married needs to talk to them and voice their concerns about why they don't want to go.

They shouldn't be forced to go but it's putting fuel on a fire if they don't

This needs communication