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Original poster

I’m dreading being a MIL based on some of the threads on here

114 replies

Bulbstarglitterball · 27/12/2022 10:29

Putting aside those who have genuinely awful ILs (of which I’m sure there are many) reading through some threads it makes me genuinely worried about becoming someone’s MIL in later life. I have a great relationship with my teen son and it’s one of the great joys in my life, he’s not really into boys/girls, a few short term things here and there, but I’m sure he will at some point and if he finds someone to spend his life with and I become someone’s MIL I could be considered, according to many threads on here, to be overbearing, too involved, a bit weird for being socially awkward and therefore deserving to be excluded from my son’s life / GCs.

My MiL can be all of the above and drives me slightly insane but she is (obviously)DH’s mum and bought him up single handedly and obviously still loves him very much so I accept that she is part of our lives and go with a lot of grinning and bearing, as I’m sure she does with me.

OP posts:

Simplepink · 27/12/2022 10:31

Yes I love my mother in law and maybe that’s partly been luck but also think we both accept each other as individuals and adults.
I am the mother to one boy so very aware that I need to get it right if at all possible!

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 27/12/2022 10:32

I have a lovely MIL. A few years ago there was a 'MIL appreciation' thread and lots of posters came on to talk about their wonderful MILs. As with most subjects, people post on a forum when they want advice or to vent, so you tend to hear disproportionately from people whose relationship with their MIL is troubled.

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/12/2022 10:32

I love my MIL. She’s amazing.

BabyFour2023 · 27/12/2022 10:33

Please don’t worry OP. I often think mumsnet is just a completely seperate world from actual real life where functioning adults manage to get through life without some of the ridiculous things mentioned on here ever featuring.

I absolutely adore my MIL. She’s funny, caring, thoughtful and an amazing mother, in law & granny. None of us would be without her.

RudsyFarmer · 27/12/2022 10:36

It’s in your power.

My MIL doesn’t interject herself in any of our business. She doesn’t try to dominate in any way and because if this we get on fine. If she decided to give me her opinion on my parenting, my relationship with her son or meddle generally I think we’d have a problem.

So to my mind if you keep your nose out if your son’s relation in the future you stand a VERY good chance of getting on well with your DIL.

Original poster

Bulbstarglitterball · 27/12/2022 10:39

I think I’m as equally annoying to MIL as she sometimes is to me, we’re very different people but our common goal is the same and she dotes on DC as he does her.

OP posts:

Margrethe · 27/12/2022 10:40

I think you hear a lot on here from people who are unhappy. Those of us who are getting along fine, aren’t as animated by these threads. I really love my mother in law. She has been kind, supportive and never overbearing.

Sure, like any relationship that is over 20 years old, we’ve now irritated each other inadvertently, but it’s never spun up into a real issue. We don’t live in each other’s pockets, so there is enough space. She never told me how to raise her grandchildren, and I have always facilitated her access to them. My nearly grown children are very close to her and this extra adult relationship has greatly enriched their lives. At times, when they are sad and don’t want to talk to me, she can be a source of comfort.

LolaSmiles · 27/12/2022 10:42

I love my mother in law.

Half the MIL threads on here seem to boil down to the fact that some women seem weirdly eager to get into a competition with their MIL/DIL.

hopeishere · 27/12/2022 10:45

I feel sorry for my niece's future husbands! My sister is lovely but they have a very strong family unit and she will be bereft if her girls are not there on Christmas Day!!

user143677433 · 27/12/2022 10:46

I agree that on here you (naturally) hear disproportionately about the more unhappy or dysfunctional MIL/DIL relationships.

I genuinely love my MIL so am less likely to comment on threads where people are bonding over MIL issues.

Simonjt · 27/12/2022 10:47

My husband loves his mother in law.

If you read a lot of the MIL complaints on here it’s often the DIL who is the actual unreasonable one, or the DIL is sexist and holds her MIL responsible for her partners behaviour, parenting etc.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 27/12/2022 10:50

I'm not a mother in law as neither of my children are married but they do have families.
I never get involved if there are fall outs or squabbles.
I never repeat conversations to anyone
I stay out of it.
I have learned the hard way that in trying to keep the peace it actually makes things worse and that I ultimately get the blame for being alive :)

JubileeTrifle · 27/12/2022 10:52

The issue I had, and friends had with their MILs,
was MILs thinking they were your parent/in charge of you.
I had my own mother, I didn’t need another one constantly lecturing me and telling me what to do. She used to get fustrated/angry frequently that I wouldn’t do ‘as I was told’. I’m was married to her son, she’s not my boss.
I think you just need to try and be friends or cordial if that’s just not going to happen.

pictoosh · 27/12/2022 10:53

Yes so am I. I often feel that dils on mn can be a mean-spirited breed.

CoorieIn · 27/12/2022 10:53

I adore my MIL, she has quite a big house just now and wants to downsize at some point in the future and I'm dropping hints about them moving closer to us.

I think with Mumsnet we see the worst tbh and that it's disproportionate to how it is in RL.

Bluevelvetsofa · 27/12/2022 10:53

As a MiL-

Don’t interfere between partners, parenting, decisions, unless you’re asked for your opinion.

Offer to help, but don’t take over.

Don’t correct the children, even if you think they need it. That’s the parents job, unless they’re doing something dangerous.

Do offer to look after them if you’re able.

Do tell their parents what a good job they do.

Do support them in their decisions

Do love them.

Procrastinatingfrommess · 27/12/2022 10:54

I love my mother in law, she’s more of a mum to me than my own mum and if ever I have a problem she’s the one I turn to. She’s reliable, kind hearted and consistent with it. At times she can get on my nerves a little but I think all of us get on each other’s nerves from time to time. She can be opinionated but so I can I, I don’t feel she ever steps over the line and she’s never offended me. But she never gives me unasked for advice so I think that makes a difference.

I consider her to be a great friend and I’m sure I’m in the minority here.

I think some people make issues out of the slightest things their mother in laws do and aren’t very tolerant which probably means everything their MIL does annoys them.

35965a · 27/12/2022 10:58

I think it’s quite easy, in most cases, to get it right. Just don’t try and take over. That’s it.

Most people get along fine with their MILs, obviously nobody posts about how great their MIL is. My own MIL is a great woman, I like her a lot. She has shown me exactly how to be a good MIL.

RomeoOscarXrayIndigoEcho · 27/12/2022 10:59

I loved my late MIL so much. She was a truly wonderful person.

Her parenting led to my DH - who is a wonderful chap and she loved all her grandchildren with such a passion. How could you not love someone like that?

Our biggest cheerleader, our biggest supporter, a friend. A mum. She wrote me the most wonderful letter when my DH proposed.

I didn't have her in my life long enough and my DC certainly didn't.

Visiting her memorial tomorrow with her favourite flowers.

Unicorntastic · 27/12/2022 11:01

Funnily enough I was thinking the same thing over Christmas as im at the inlaws. I get on with my MIL because I ignore alot of of her sniping, ive been good to her but it feels like she throw's it back in my face sometimes and I wonder how you avoid that dynamic.

MardyMincepie · 27/12/2022 11:02

I have had two long term relationships, the first Mum of my childhood sweetheart was a lovely woman. Really nice and would have been my ideal MIL but we unfortunately broke up in our twenties.

Unfortunately my actual MIL is like some sort of puritanical but without being religious sanctimonious prude. She shoves her weird alternative belief systems down your throat all the time. She also heavily favours SIL who has money out of her all the time whereas we are the ones who sort out her DIY and cared for her when she had two ops.

I get on very well with my hopefully future DIL, we were a bit tipsy yesterday and had an inappropriate laugh together. She said you will come to my wedding even if I don’t marry your DS. I will be delighted if they do stay together.

I think the Mum in laws that are bloody awful are the ones that either always see their sons as children or have never had a decent relationship with a man so they fill that role partially.

Christmasnero · 27/12/2022 11:02

Firstly people are not here to talk about what a great time they’re having, they’re here to vent and ask for help, so it’s disproportionate.
secondly everyone in my life wants their MIL to be part of their family, have tried to facilitate it, to welcome her and they do a lot for their MILs.
however also in my life the majority of those MILs give any credit for anything ‘good’ (eg. Gifts, being invited round, decisions the couple make that she agreed with etc) primarily to the DS. Anything she doesn’t agree with must have been DIL.
then rather than compliments or help for DIL, there’s lots of ‘advice’ (criticising) that wasn’t asked for. In my own relationship with my DM, I can speak to her openly about things she may do that I dislike (and vice versa) and we have respect for each other as adults.
but I don’t have that relationship with MIL and Neither does DH, he cannot raise issues with her and she sees him (and therefore me) as an extension of her household, young adults she is in charge of and who should do what she says (we’re in our late 30s). She does not show any respect to us.

so my options are to put up with her criticising me, telling me what to do (and not hearing me when I say I’ve made a decision) and often sulking when I don’t do as she wants or her DS prioritises me and DC over her, or I can raise these issues with her - which would result in a huge fall out. Or I can see her less.
guess which one I pick.

ive thought about this a lot because I don’t want to be unfair to her, and with all DSs I don’t want to be in the same position.
i can’t help who my DILs will be, but I can be polite and respectful to them, i can listen to what they say (or hint) they want and need, I can try to build a relationship with them, and I can avoid treating my sons like baby princes that can do no wrong and have been stolen from me by a wicked woman. That at least will put me in better standing than most of the women I hear about here and irl.

Mistlefrog · 27/12/2022 11:04

I think the Mum in laws that are bloody awful are the ones that either always see their sons as children or have never had a decent relationship with a man so they fill that role partially.

i think you’ve nailed it!

Mentalpiece · 27/12/2022 11:13

My mother in law was fantastic, although we lived in different countries we always had a chat on the phone on a Sunday afternoon.
My kids are all married. I never visit them apart from when I drop their birthday/Christmas gifts off. Even then it's just a drop and go.
That's the way I prefer it.
I love my kids spouses and they're fabulous parents but they're adults and make their own decisions, they don't need my input unless they ask for it.
But....if I thought that one of my kids were treating their spouse's badly, I would be the first to yank their ear.

caringcarer · 27/12/2022 11:16

I love my MiL. She accepted my children when I got together with her son and has always treated them equally to her own blood grandchildren. She has taken them for a week each summer so DH and I can have a week alone. She has come on family holidays and often babysat a couple of evenings. She is older and lives alone now as FiL died. My children adults now but often drive 165 or 50 mins to visit her. Youngest son drives up 165 miles to take her out for a cream tea. He remembers she and FiL used to take him out when he was a child. I just got back as spent Boxing Day visiting MiL. I get on really well with sons girl friend too so it does have to be difficult relationship.

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