I’m dreading being a MIL based on some of the threads on here

[Bulbstarglitterball]

Putting aside those who have genuinely awful ILs (of which I’m sure there are many) reading through some threads it makes me genuinely worried about becoming someone’s MIL in later life. I have a great relationship with my teen son and it’s one of the great joys in my life, he’s not really into boys/girls, a few short term things here and there, but I’m sure he will at some point and if he finds someone to spend his life with and I become someone’s MIL I could be considered, according to many threads on here, to be overbearing, too involved, a bit weird for being socially awkward and therefore deserving to be excluded from my son’s life / GCs.

My MiL can be all of the above and drives me slightly insane but she is (obviously)DH’s mum and bought him up single handedly and obviously still loves him very much so I accept that she is part of our lives and go with a lot of grinning and bearing, as I’m sure she does with me.

My MIL is wonderful and doesn't judge people at all, I only wish I could be half the woman she is.

It isn’t my job to correct the children if they’re doing something I don’t think is necessarily a good idea, if the parents aren’t commenting on it. Other than noticing and stopping something dangerous.

When we looked after them, the rules were ours, but I was respectful of the expectations their parents had.

I like mine. She never interferes, which helps A LOT and she's a positive person.

Mu ex MIL however was hated by all her inlaw-children because she was such a negative judgy-pants. Everyone that dated her kids wasn't good enough. Her kids themselves were perfect of course 😳.

Don't be that MIL and you'll do fine.

Ha! I’m sure I’ll be practically perfect in every way and be the dream MIL 😉

This. It's all you need to do

I’m going to say the ‘MIL from hell’ types are mainly those who only have sons rather than a mix. They’re used to being queen of the castle and feel a bit threatened by another woman joining the family.
oh right okay, we had sons so we’ll be mils from hell 🧐😅

I have a wonderful MIL and I like to think I’m pretty good DIL. If you’re kind, friendly, respect boundaries and aren’t controlling, hopefully you’ll be fine.

I'd agree with everything that @Bluevelvetsofa has said, and add

Your son (my DH) is not the next Messiah. It is not your job to 'save' him from his fatherly duties, and yes, he wanted 'all these kids', nobody forced him into it. And yes, my doctorate is of value. Cheers hun

for what it’s worth I don’t think son is a messiah, far bloody from it 😂

I miss my MIL of thirty years. She was strong, wise, generous and caring. A different generation and had had a hard life. Her advice was sometimes out of date but was always given with care and love. I was also very willing to learn - she'd done it before and I hadn't. I learnt so much from her. How short sighted to dismiss it all because some of it was outdated. We learnt together - she learnt new things and I learnt some tried and tested techniques. - and she became an absolute rock.
I loved her so much and so did my children.

As with anything else, it’s not worth looking at snippets of someone else’s life and assuming it will relate to you. If you are a kind and decent person who has functional relationships and understands the art of compromise, you will probably be fine.

I’ve had two MILs, one was amazing but her son was not.

My teen ds has moved in with his girlfriend, she's lovely and I've always for year even before he thought of girls vowed that I'm not going to meddle, undermine and completely ignore them on things as I know what it feels like.
I'm obviously there for them, but I'm not going to push and undermine.
I think it depends on your mindset and mutual respect if you're going to have a good relationship

My MIL was difficult but we still visited, took her on holiday etc. Unlike most MNers I don't expect to meet perfect people 😉
My own DM was a fabulous MIL - all her DILs and SILs adored her. I'm hoping I can emulate her.

This in a nutshell. I had a hell of a time with my MIL when we got our first house and first DC was born. When I look back I’m amazed I didn’t explode at her (she got involved with everything and I mean everything). My other half had some fallouts with her over it and we were labelled “ungrateful” just because we wanted to be independent and do things our way. We didn’t ask for help from anyone so how we were ungrateful I don’t know. And it was because she was absolutely spoilt being the only woman in the house, used to getting her own way and had a huge sense of entitlement. Not to mention that when it comes to being a first time mum, it’s your OWN mum you’ll go to. Fast forward a few years and things are hunkydory. It took a while but she’s realised taking a step back is the best thing and we get on great. I’m quite happy to ask her advice. Having a DS myself I’ll be keeping all this in mind when he has a girlfriend or wife.

I wouldn't say my MIL is amazing, but she's a lot easier to get along with than my own mum was. No MIL complaints here.

Yes mine couldn’t quite grasp (at the start) that I wanted to do things more the way my own DM would rather than her way.

My MIL is fabulous, plus she lives in Milan ! No popping in when she feels like it . She is a wonderful grandmother too .

@mitsy5 pretty much the same here. It took an almighty fall out when DD was about 8 weeks old for MIL to realise she wasn’t in charge of the baby and us in general. She’s one of those people who thinks if she likes or does something, everyone should like or do it, and becomes offended if they don’t. We’ve just about reached an understanding now, but there’s still things she does that winds me up.

She fell out with DH last week as she turns up during working hours on weekday expecting a cup of tea and a chat and to see our Christmas tree. DH put his foot down, said he was working and that she can’t just pop in unannounced and expect half an hour of his time when he’s working. She said he was nasty and that he doesn’t care about her 😂

I think a lot of it comes from her own hang ups as well as being constantly enabled by her husband and sons over the years. She was ‘funny’ about me breastfeeding DD and made a lot of little remarks about how baby DD ‘can’t be hungry again surely? It’s only been 2 hours’ ‘maybe she’s starving and the breastmilk isn’t enough’ ‘her legs are enormous, breastfeeding is causing her to be obese, none of mine were like that’ etc. I think because breastfeeding didn’t work out for her.

Overall her heart is in the right place but 🥴🥴🥴

I wonder this too

Interesting how so many here seem to believe that behaving like a ‘good’ MIL is all it takes for a good relationship.

There are such people as terrible DIL as well. Those who push their IL out of the picture in favour of their own parents. Those that issue unreasonable rules for GP to follow to be able to see their GC. One of my SIL is terribly insecure and any show of affection by her children for her MIL/FIL sees her practically ripping the child from their arms. She can’t stand for her kids to enjoy the company of anyone but her.

So, OP I agree that you’ll stand a better chance of having a good MIL/DIL relationship if you are supportive, kind and loving without being controlling. But you also need to hope that your DS doesn’t marry someone who is selfish or controlling.

My MIL is wonderful. In fact most of my friends get on well with their MIL. One friend even says she prefers her MIL to her own mother! MN loves a goady MIL thread - I wouldn't get too worked up by them.

My mil has a huge sense of entitlement and has a DD and a D's.

She's still used to be being Queen bee.

She's been the classic nightmare mil.

@Mindystryder

Mn love a good goady mil thread?

Many of us have had the most precious moments in our lives ruined by natsy mils. Some of us have been driven to the brink of divorce and breaking up our family because of pressure from in Law's?

I don't love a good goady thread I think oh no...some other poor soul is suffering and I try and pay back the support I've had over the years.

where are all these threads that make you worried about being a mil op? I’ve missed them?