I’m dreading being a MIL based on some of the threads on here

[Bulbstarglitterball]

Putting aside those who have genuinely awful ILs (of which I’m sure there are many) reading through some threads it makes me genuinely worried about becoming someone’s MIL in later life. I have a great relationship with my teen son and it’s one of the great joys in my life, he’s not really into boys/girls, a few short term things here and there, but I’m sure he will at some point and if he finds someone to spend his life with and I become someone’s MIL I could be considered, according to many threads on here, to be overbearing, too involved, a bit weird for being socially awkward and therefore deserving to be excluded from my son’s life / GCs.

My MiL can be all of the above and drives me slightly insane but she is (obviously)DH’s mum and bought him up single handedly and obviously still loves him very much so I accept that she is part of our lives and go with a lot of grinning and bearing, as I’m sure she does with me.

I think you have to factor in:

A good percentage of in-law threads are started by journalists because they send out a dog whistle for a quick and cheap article.

Another chunk are "cheeky fucker" threads which ramp up the dramaz in an attempt to get a two threader and a nomination for classics. You can tell these as they usually involve suggestions of hilarious letters to be written to said in-laws and a husband who is such a wet lettuce he's basically Liz Truss.

There was one yesterday that fitted into both of the above categories.

Others are started by the same sort of people who need to start a thread if the next door neighbour smiles at their child (invoke Sarah's Law? Call SS? Get the husband to beat him to a pulp) imagine what happens when the paternal grandmother asks to see her grandchild or, shudder, buys it a gift that hadn't been sanctioned by MumZilla.

Once these are removed you're left with the genuine ones. Proving that most people (in laws or not) are fine. A small majority are not.

I think all of the reasons / suggestions on this thread are all valid but there are lots of others on threads about people’s MILs that I don’t think warrant the vitriol reaction of some DILs, that’s my point really.

I find it a depressing thread that puts dil and mil against each other. People have genuine issues so don’t write that off as some dil being unreasonable. I find it typically sexist op

Possibly the vitriol isn't because of the one incident but the result of many incidents? It just looks like it's the one they are talking about at that moment.

Don't worry about it. I learned how not to be a MIL from my own MIL and it's working out great.

I wouldn't worry, if you are polite and respectful to any future daughter in law/son in law you'll be fine.

All my exes mums I'm still in contact with and adore. Unfortunately the guy I've chosen to marry and have children with, his mother is the bane of my life.

Over bearing, interfering, nasty comments the works. I know it's not me, because the whole family is aware she is a pain in the arse, but no-one wants to stand up to her.

I would have loved to have given GC to my exes mums because they were such wonderful women, but I'm dreading the relationship I will have to have with my DP's mum, because I know she is going to make parenthood for me into hell, like she did my previous losses, IVF and pregnancy.

You only see the worst on Mumsnet. I've posted about my mil on here, because she causes me grief, I wouldn't have had to post about my previous exes mums, because I loved and respected them and visa versa.

My first MIL was a nightmare, so I use her as a blueprint of what NOT to do. So far I get on great with my son’s partner. My tips:

-be friendly and welcoming.
-ask her/his advice sometimes and listen to it.
-give advice WHEN ASKED but don’t get offended if it’s not taken.
-don’t get competitive with her/his parents.
-be understanding that 20-somethings have busy lives and you won’t be a priority at the moment.
-find your own interests so that you don’t make your adult child your raison d’être. That’s too much pressure and they’ll resent you for it.
-respect their home.
-apologise if and when you fuck up.

123boom
The problem is that some DIL are unreasonable, and they're probably the people who grow up to being awkward MILs.

There's a weird attitude that some women have towards men/boys that's evident from before babies are even born. If you glance down a gender disappointment thread, it's regularly a poster devestated that she's having a baby boy because (insert sexist stereotypical nonsense about how a baby boy will be as a child), that if you have a daughter you have a friend for life, but if you have a son then he'll inevitably end up with a wife and putting her family first and ignoring his own family.

I'd be willing to bet those women are likely to be the DIL who has an issue with their MIL/think their DP should put her family first over his. They're probably the same women who will grow up into being a MIL who views their son's wife as a threat or competition. Then some men are so spineless that they do whatever is easiest and will appease whichever person shouts loudest

Some people really do have issues with a MIL/DIL. I don't think anyone doubts that. There's still some really silly conflicts started by some DIL/MIL though

Just bite your tongue, only have an opinion if it's asked for , respect boundaries and remember whose house your in . Let them go to get them back . I'm a great MIL .

I don't think it's misogyny. Just pure unadulterated pratishness.

You could just as easily surmise most "MIL from hell" are labelled that because a woman thinks her husband should "nod along" to her and agree with all she says.

Same pratisness that comes with those that spew out "a son is for life.." nonsense. Which as got to be said by all girl mothes (otherwise what a weirdo!!) So maybe we sould conclude a nasty controlling wives (aka DIL from hell) are mainly those with only daughters.

A great post, you've nailed it!

@zippalippa and @RememberFlimsy I don't think this is the case at all.

My mil has done so many things which more than deserves going 'No Contact', but I haven't at the expense of my own mental health so that my partner isn't piggy in the middle. However if her toxic behaviour extends to my child I will review my decision, with the oversight of a therapist.

I don't know of anyone who has cut off a parent, who didn't do it as a very last resort and grieved the loss.

I think who people complain about NC or LC are usually individuals who are not prepared to do some serious self reflection. Most children beg their parents to seek therapy, accountability etc before they finally go NC because they refuse to look at how their actions affect their AC or DIL/SIL

@zippalippa I agree. Someone has as different view over what happened - gaslighting, (the real meaning of the term lost), Someone suggests you shouldn't do something in a particular way - abuse. An argument - verbally abusive. Is late, doesn't conform with what you want - disrespectful. Tries to lay down ground rules for how they want things dome - controlling. All fuelled by on-line echo chambers.

My grandmother was difficult. Very critical. My parents came from very different backgrounds from each other and that was hard for my grandmother to accept. (Mum was poor - working class). But my Mum was great with her - and I am so grateful. I was close to my grandmother up until she died at 92 years old. She had a huge influence on my life and my life would have been poorer if she'd been cut out of it. (She also of course mellowed but it took work on both sides).

My MIL and I got off to a bad start. To the point that for a while, she wasn’t going to come to our wedding. But she came. And we both worked on it. It wasn’t easy but I recognised that she loved DH & although I got hurt from time to time, I could also see that she was making an effort.
A pivotal moment for me was when I offered her a cuddle with baby ds, who was sleeping. She said she didn’t want to disturb him & would wait until he woke. Then I knew that she would put the baby’s needs before her own and I could trust her with the children.
I made the decision never to complain about her to the children, so that they could enjoy their own relationship with their granny. She did her best too.
In the end, we loved each other. She died a couple of years ago and I miss her.

Of all my ex husband's family his mum was the nicest and I really enjoyed her company. We both had good boundaries and neither of us was inclined to offer unsolicited opinions about anything to do with the other, she was always a perfect guest. She did live about 3 hours drive away so maybe that helped. 😀

FIL on the other hand was a complete arsehole and SIL was a drunk drama queen with a tendency to behave in grossly sexually inappropriate ways after a few glasses of wine.