I’m dreading being a MIL based on some of the threads on here

[Bulbstarglitterball]

Putting aside those who have genuinely awful ILs (of which I’m sure there are many) reading through some threads it makes me genuinely worried about becoming someone’s MIL in later life. I have a great relationship with my teen son and it’s one of the great joys in my life, he’s not really into boys/girls, a few short term things here and there, but I’m sure he will at some point and if he finds someone to spend his life with and I become someone’s MIL I could be considered, according to many threads on here, to be overbearing, too involved, a bit weird for being socially awkward and therefore deserving to be excluded from my son’s life / GCs.

My MiL can be all of the above and drives me slightly insane but she is (obviously)DH’s mum and bought him up single handedly and obviously still loves him very much so I accept that she is part of our lives and go with a lot of grinning and bearing, as I’m sure she does with me.

Most women become daughter in laws and mother in laws. Most women aren't arseholes.

But people don't post about the bad stuff. There's no need. I do think the relationship is more fraught because men tend to leave their mothers and wives to to organize their lives for them. If you have a reasonable son you should not have any issues.

I'm equally worried OP. My mil was the nastiest most vindictive person I ever met.

Ex gave her a key and she'd turn up and let herself in to our home whenever she felt like, walk into our room when we were alone, go through my paperwork, always throw a drama or a tantrum on my birthday or Christmas to wreck it. Tried to come on holiday with us. 😟She spent 5 years trying to drive me away and forcing my ex to choose between us. In the end, it was a relief to leave.

So I've decided to move somewhere distant when I retire. I'll have room for people to come & stay but far enough away that I can't be accused of interfering. That way ds can see me when he wants to but any future dil has an excuse to stay away.

I think this week's iteration of the "kids these days" thread is thataway ===>

Lovely ones do exist! DH gets along well with my mum.

We’re NC with his mum as she’s an abusive nightmare, but that was the case long before she became a MIL!

I’m sure your future S/D IL will love you, don’t stress about it. 😊

I believe it's largely in your power.
Not wholly, but largely.
A well adjusted son with a good sense of himself as an individual probably won't settle down with a controlling woman and if he does, he might be able to stand up to her.

If my son tries to write me out of his life that's his loss, I'm in his corner and have always been very good to him and I would want him to be happy et cetera

I loved mine. I had a better relationship with her than with my own. We had our differences but she was good to me and I learned a lot from her. I miss her and hope I can have the same relationship with my DC's partners.

My MIL would be marvellous if she lived 30 minutes down the road. I'd happily visit her, have her at ours for dinner on a Sunday and include her our family life.

She lives abroad, comes over for weeks on end, expects to be waited on hand and foot, carted from one place to another, couldn't look after the kids for more than 10 minutes when they were little, she couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery, and complains about things that she has the power to do something about.

We're not compatible in any way. And that's fine. I love her because she is DH's mum and Granny to my girls but I'd not choose to spend more than 24 hours in her company.

Op I think your angst is coming from a misunderstanding of the majority of mil issue threads.
The problems come when a mil treats their Dil as somehow lesser and someone they are happy to judge, critise and be natsy too.

Just don't do that, ask what dil wants, ask if it's ok to buy this or do that and be respectful that's it really! Good luck

There's just as many threads about Mums and Daughters relationships.
My mil is awful, I tried my best but we no longer have anything to do with her. It's not because she was a mil it's because she is a hateful, manipulative pita. I would have loved to have a decent mil.
People are looking for advice on situations that they find annoying or stressful so,of course, there's threads on mils/Dil relationship breakdowns.
Unless you have a horrible mil it's sometimes difficult to see how you eventually have had enough on something that others might think is an overreaction, it's years of subtle shitty behaviour until you can't take anymore.

The current trend in pop psychology is to advocate for immediately and completely cutting out anyone "toxic" from your life.

I don’t believe that’s true. For sure, in some cases an enormous row might blow up, resulting in the parties concerned no longer speaking. But NC, when it’s a considered choice, is usually a last resort. Sometimes the person who has been cut off will claim not to know why, or think it results from one small thing. Except the ‘small thing’ might well be the end of a very long pattern of escalation, the ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’, cementing a decision that may well have already been made for some time. It’s a painful choice for all concerned: for the person doing the cutting off as well as those they’ve estranged themselves from.

People are no longer willing to learn conflict resolution skills and therapist online are capitalising on the rise of narcissism that our social media fuels. You are the centre of the world and if people don't bend entirely to your will and support everything you do (no matter how stupid), you are TOXIC and will be "grey rocked" out of existence.

Again, I’d beg to differ. ‘Grey rock’ is actually a kind strategy. It’s one that enables boundaries to be drawn which that person is comfortable with, and if this approach is necessary, tends to be because those have in some way been overridden. So why would it be kind to be basically civil, but to put someone on an information diet? Because it’s potentially a relationship-saver. It’s a way to preserve that connection which, whilst both sides might not be entirely happy or comfortable with it, restores some equilibrium. It’s no longer about one person being continually comfortable at the expense of someone else’s peace of mind, to the point that they have to cut themselves off from that person in order to regain it. It can enable a relationship to continue without that inexorable progression toward the undesired endgame of NC.

Because nobody truly wants that. Perhaps some ‘pop psychology’ has a point, given NC is exactly what it’s seeking to avoid. Grey rock/powerful non-defensive communication IS one strategy for conflict resolution. Surely it’s far better to diffuse it before it begins than let it escalate and risk ending in the extremity of an insurmountable estrangement? I get that these strategies might seem very unfair to those who might want to kick against them, but from the other perspective, having people respect your boundaries is key. These problems often arise when people can’t or won’t do that.

OP I’m glad you have a nice relationship with your MIL. Some of us just don’t though. I’ve posted before about mine. She was nice enough and kind when I was only the girlfriend but once we got engaged it all changed.

Slight digs here and there. Nothing too obvious but something I kept an eye on. After our wedding she cropped me out of my own wedding pictures. She has a photo frame at home with “Our Engagement” “Our Wedding” “Our Honeymoon” with pictures of her and my husband in it from our wedding day.

Has commented on my weight. (PCOS gain after stopping contraceptives not much but noticeable as I’m quite short) Only comes over twice a year usually even though she lives 15 minutes away and criticises everything in the house to me because apparently I live here alone.

Demands presents with lists of expensive items for birthdays and Christmas but has wrapped up stuff she had lying about the house complete with dust for me.

She has told me it’s my job as a wife to cook for my husband and clean the house. I work full time too but fuck me I suppose. My husband got better at spotting the digs she would make and started taking her to task over it but in general he just wants an easy life and wants me to bite my tongue but I can’t anymore.

The rest of his family are very respectful and we get on well but his mother in the last few weeks with her carry on has driven a massive wedge between us. Not made any better by the regifting of crap this year from her house once again.

The biggest regret I have is moving away from my family and closer to his.

Totally understood and of course there are lots of people who have awful relationships with their MIL (I do with my own mother) but some of these on here don’t seem to be that. My relationship with my MIL isn’t great but better now DS is older.

And yes also understand that this is thankfully a place to vent. I do own fair share of that on here too. Long May it last 😊

I’m a mother in law, I like to think I’m appreciated, and liked. But ….. I do not get into their private life, I do not interfere and I also don’t try and take over my grandchildren, just like to help where I can.

I like mine! Voluntarily here for 4 days, at my suggestion. She's not perfect, but none of us are. She's warm, loving and wants what's best for DS which is what matters most to me. Also got me lovely thoughtful Christmas gifts, and cooked turkey yesterday even though we said it absolutely wasn't necessary and she's vegetarian. I have at earlier points in our relationship been a mediator/objective sounding board through some tricky family stuff with DH (not to do with me) , family ties are more important to me than absolute control over every element of life as seems to sometimes be the case on here, people do things differently and that's ok. So if I ever up with a DIL who wants everything her way even if I think it's not the way I would do it, fine, I've had my turn, it's get life and a relationship with adult DS and any children he may have is the most important thing

I can understand why you'd think this going from some threads on here but equally if this forum were an accurate representation of family dynamics you'd also need to write and post a letter giving 3 months notice of your intention to visit your relative for the stated time of 2 hours, not stay more than a minute after and a list of what you intend to bring. If in the proceeding month before you visit an eyelash falls out you will need to bring a medical fit note declaring you healthy. Oh and if you have touched a bottle of alcohol for the proceeding 3 weeks before your visit you are not to touch any children, I emphasise touch a bottle, because if you've had a drink then don't bother visiting at all!

I’m going to say the ‘MIL from hell’ types are mainly those who only have sons rather than a mix. They’re used to being queen of the castle and feel a bit threatened by another woman joining the family. My MIL is a bit like this - she’s been so used to, for years, dominating everything with the men nodding along for an easy life, that she is outraged whenever I don’t want to do exactly as she says.

I adore my mil
shes the strongest,most loving woman I’ve ever met-she’s more of a mum to me than my mother ever could be
she knows just when to step in,when to keep her mouth shut and everything she does for us is done with pure love
she never interferes and isn’t jealous of my relationship with dp like some mils
she never takes sides,she’s an amazing granny and she’s my biggest cheerleader
i couldn’t have asked for a better mil

if I’m half the mil and granny she is,if and when I’m lucky enough to have grandchildren,I’ll have got it right

she’s my role model

There is a bizarre amount of misogyny in this.

Is anything on here not misogyny?

Yep exactly this!

I am blamed as the DIL who keeps GCs away reality is my DH and my sIL struggle with their own mothers behaviour and selfishness but it'd easier for her to blame me then realise its her behaviour which causes it! She was like this way before me but has got worse as she's got older

Be a nice mil then.. simple

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Absolutely.

Going LC is painful and horrible.
I mourn the gp my DC don't have ,the family we don't have because their personality are too hard to deal with.

I prefer my DIL to my DS to be honest 🤣

My late MIL was a dote, I loved her so much, deeply miss her after over a decade.

My first MIL, haha now she was properly horrible, I had stolen her darling boy, as it turned out she was welcome to have him back, he was a rotter, a liar and a thief. (he went to prison for the thievery, she maintains he was Stitched Up)