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Original poster

Is this normal? Visits and kids' routines

95 replies

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 26/12/2022 22:09

I don't have kids; all my siblings do. One has two little ones (3 and 1) and I find their routines really strange. I can't tell whether this is just a young family doing what's right for their kids or quite rigid/difficult. For example, as a Christmas visit to give their kids presents, I've been invited at 9am. It is such a weird time to be invited round and - to me - it feels almost deliberately unwelcoming, as if they would rather we didn't come round or can only be bothered to squeeze us in at a time no one else wants. I was hoping they would come to us and spend a day together or at least come for a meal.

Is this just what people have to do when they have small kids? Is it normal to be restricted to small windows of time at odd hours that aren't normally visiting times? I've been quite hurt by this over the last year or so because it has very definitely felt as if they just don't see me and DP as 'proper' people who deserve to spend time with them at sociable hours

OP posts:
Original poster
ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 26/12/2022 22:12

Pressed post too soon.

I meant to say that I genuinely don't know whether this is usual and reasonable - if I should not be upset by such a small thing, that's okay, I'll swallow it. It's just that none of my other siblings or friends with kids behave like this - they tend to be quite pleased to see us and want to arrange times to meet up that suit us all rather than saying 'you can have this slot and no other'.

Alternatively, Is it a sign that they are struggling? Should I be worried?

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 26/12/2022 22:12

It's definitely normal to be less "on ceremony" and more frank about what will work with your dc's routine with family members.

You can say if it doesn't work for you, but they can say that a full day and a meal doesn't work for them.

thelobsterquadrille · 26/12/2022 22:13

For families with young children, 9am is practically the middle of the day Grin

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Families
Clymene · 26/12/2022 22:14

No that's not normal. Are you supposed to go round, drop off gifts and then leave? How rude!

CatRatSplat · 26/12/2022 22:14

Hmmm do they give any reason? My two at that age were up at6am so 9am feels a lot later in the day. The kids may also be at their bestthen so you would get the better visit rather than later at nap times and the afternoon dip.

Talk to them and ask why, but I can see the reasons behind it.

Original poster
ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 26/12/2022 22:14

thelobsterquadrille · 26/12/2022 22:13

For families with young children, 9am is practically the middle of the day Grin

I can see that. But is it normal to assume that it's also the middle of the day for people without kids who have elderly relatives staying?

OP posts:
Beginningless · 26/12/2022 22:15

It’s hard to know without knowing more. It may be that for them their kids wake at 5/6 am and by 11/12 they need to nap. And nap time is totally sacred as that’s when they can relax/recover/get shit done. It’s possible that they want to maximise their time with you and have forgotten that 9am is early to a lot of people. Tbh I think most people with a 1 and 3yr old could be described as ‘struggling’. It’s survival most of the time. But I don’t know them and if there’s more to it relationship wise.

Thelongwayround · 26/12/2022 22:15

Yeah routine was the only thing that saved my sanity when DC was younger. I would have loved to socialise at more normal times but it just wasn’t worth it. Some people didn’t quite get it but that’s okay. It’s just a couple of years which isn’t much in the grand scheme of things. It’s important to remember (I think anyway) that most young children really need sleep at regular intervals for their health and development, and prioritising that is one of the things that parents have to do. For some that’s easier than others depending on if the kid will sleep at flexible times/on the go etc but it’s not always possible or even desirable to try.

Catterpillarwithconverse · 26/12/2022 22:16

When you've got young kids you have to be rigid about times otherwise you have over tired, over stimulated, tantrumming, grumpy and hungry children and then you can't enjoy the time with them at all.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 26/12/2022 22:16

I think more context would be helpful to give an answer here. What I would say, having two similar aged children, is that 9am could be several hours into their day! Their youngest will probably nap around lunchtime, and then there’s not a lot of time between waking up and the dinner/bath/bed routine. Plus towards the end of the afternoon little ones get cranky etc. Many of my child free friends are not up and about at 9, so it’s not a time I would suggest unless I know that they are early risers, but it’s not a bad time to see young kids.

pictoosh · 26/12/2022 22:17

Not normal to me but some people do beome so very precious about having children and being parents that they behave like this.

Whatnextarghhhhhh · 26/12/2022 22:18

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 26/12/2022 22:14

I can see that. But is it normal to assume that it's also the middle of the day for people without kids who have elderly relatives staying?

Show quote history

No, it’s not normal to think the whole world revolves around you just because you have small children.

And I say this as someone still trying to get their 2 year old to sleep after MIL thought it was ok to serve dinner to small children at 8pm. But it’s Christmas and I don’t have a stick up my backside so I’m just rolling with it.

Changechangychange · 26/12/2022 22:18

Maybe the one year old will be asleep later in the morning, and both kids napping in the afternoon?

It is a weird time. Will one of them be cooking later on in the morning? Is 9am the only time they can actually both sit down and socialise properly?

Ponypitter · 26/12/2022 22:18

In my experience there are some people who have absolutely rigid routines that lead to the sort of scenario you're describing. I think it's to do with coping with small kids who can be very demanding and tricky. At the other extreme you also get parents who just expect the kids to fit in with adult timings. Most people are in the middle somewhere - try and eat / sleep at the same times for eg but relax outside of those restrictions.

Catterpillarwithconverse · 26/12/2022 22:20

@pictoosh nonsense!
Most toddlers need routine and it's nothing to do with how their parents treat them...they are wired to tantrum if they are tired or hungry. So keeping to a predictable routine means they are not hungry or overtired and have less tantrums which is good for everyone.

Original poster
ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 26/12/2022 22:20

Okay, so it sounds as if it is a time suggestion that might seem totally normal to the parents even though it isn't that usual. It doesn't sound as if it's as much of a brush off as it feels and it's not a red flag warning sign that something's wrong. I might not like it but I need to suck it up to see the kids at a time that works for them.

Does that sound right?

OP posts:
KylieKangaroo · 26/12/2022 22:20

I don't think it's normal really! How do you get along otherwise? I wouldn't bother going at 9am!

laurwalsh · 26/12/2022 22:21

OP I did exactly this to my dad and step mum one Christmas because I didn't want to see them at all (they are toxic and I honestly find there presence so anxiety provoking and triggering) so gave them a shit early time that needed to be over before we went to mass. I was obviously obliged to see them because it was Christmas. Sorry but it sounds like they don't really want to see you.

laurwalsh · 26/12/2022 22:22

And I have small kids might I add. But nothing to do with them really.

Catterpillarwithconverse · 26/12/2022 22:24

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 26/12/2022 22:20

Okay, so it sounds as if it is a time suggestion that might seem totally normal to the parents even though it isn't that usual. It doesn't sound as if it's as much of a brush off as it feels and it's not a red flag warning sign that something's wrong. I might not like it but I need to suck it up to see the kids at a time that works for them.

Does that sound right?

Yes that sounds about right to me...but...that won't be the only convenient time. It's got to work for both of you. I would imagine 9am works because it's after breakfast but before lunch and nap. So after the nap would also be a good time.

Changechangychange · 26/12/2022 22:24

You don’t necessarily have to suck it up - have a chat to them about why they suggested 9am.

If they say “Olivia has been waking up at 5am recently, and then falling asleep by 10am, and we thought you might want to see her awake before lunch”, then fine.

If they say “we just wanted to see you as early as possible!” then suggest coming at closer to 10am and see what they say.

Marypuppuns · 26/12/2022 22:24

What have you been invited round for? To watch dc open presents or randomly invited for a 9am visit?

Marypuppuns · 26/12/2022 22:25

I can’t imagine a message that just says

dsibling be round for 9am on Xmas day next year
Thanks bye

WinterDeWinter · 26/12/2022 22:25

Some parents can only cope with young children if they head off every ‘could escalate’ scenario. They know their kids can’t cope with a change of routine or whatever and they can’t cope with their kids in that state. It’s really a ‘trying to protect my mental health’ thing rather than a controlling entitled preciousness thing. It took me ages to work this out, and also to work out that I would have benefitted from a bit more if this attitude myself. I’m a bit ashamed of being snooty about uprightness now.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 26/12/2022 22:25

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 26/12/2022 22:20

Okay, so it sounds as if it is a time suggestion that might seem totally normal to the parents even though it isn't that usual. It doesn't sound as if it's as much of a brush off as it feels and it's not a red flag warning sign that something's wrong. I might not like it but I need to suck it up to see the kids at a time that works for them.

Does that sound right?

I think it totally depends on their parenting style. Like PP say, some are quite rigid and others tend to be more flexible. I do think it could well be perfectly innocent, though, without any other concerns. Plus, even before kids I don’t think 9am is that early!