Is this normal? Visits and kids' routines

[ElizabethinherGermanGarden]

I don't have kids; all my siblings do. One has two little ones (3 and 1) and I find their routines really strange. I can't tell whether this is just a young family doing what's right for their kids or quite rigid/difficult. For example, as a Christmas visit to give their kids presents, I've been invited at 9am. It is such a weird time to be invited round and - to me - it feels almost deliberately unwelcoming, as if they would rather we didn't come round or can only be bothered to squeeze us in at a time no one else wants. I was hoping they would come to us and spend a day together or at least come for a meal.

Is this just what people have to do when they have small kids? Is it normal to be restricted to small windows of time at odd hours that aren't normally visiting times? I've been quite hurt by this over the last year or so because it has very definitely felt as if they just don't see me and DP as 'proper' people who deserve to spend time with them at sociable hours

What a pp said, about pre emptying a melt down, this is definitely the case. They were far more eloquent than I!!

That doesn't seem normal to me. I have two kids and always fitted in around other plans, so long as kids can have a little nap during the day and when they were very young we would leave a little earlier or we would stay overnight with them at my mums. I wouldn't expect siblings to visit at 9am and I have always participated with family at usual social hours...

When I say we always fitted around others plans I don't mean all year long ofcourse! I meant at family celebrations like Xmas time where my mum was cooking etc and they invited us over afternoon time

It’s possible that they are thinking of you in the sense that they want you to see the children at their best - least likely to be hungry, tired, more likely to be able to interact with you and appreciate presents etc. It’s not necessarily about being a dickhead about routine with a stick up their arse. I can’t comment on the non-Christmas times, and I personally haven’t invited anyone round for 9am unless they also have small children, but I can also see how they might want you to experience their best family time rather than being meanies who expect people without children to fit in with silly children’s timings.

At 3 and 1 your sister could be completely knackered at the moment with sleep deprivation plus winter illnesses and more inclined to keep with any routines. That morning slot would have been best for us at that age as 1 year old often having a mega nap over lunch. It’s more odd though you’re only staying for an hour and a half. I’d have said something like ‘you’re welcome any time but if you want to see kids a morning arrival pre naps better’ and would have said 10ish rather than 9.

9am us not a time we'd expect people to be ready for or visit/ be visited.thats just reasonable for disturbing sleep hour!
And unless a planned event we wouldn't be socialising at That time ever.
If my brother asked me id say " wtf why the crazy time"
Christmas eve we went round the room and just about laughed at 10 for when we wanted to be up for pressies.and yes that's with 11week old for one couple.
But we are bed people so this would be incredibly unusual.

That's true

My sister would know I'd be fine only having a brief hello with a young baby and happy to put kettle on whilst they settled them for nap and then had a catch up whilst they slept.

(Obviously it changes as they get more interactive but still I mostly visit to see my sister and then others are an added extra, there or not as desired)

I’d also hate someone just turning up
at my house unannounced 🙈a quick text first is not hard

At that age mine would be asleep for hrs in the middle of the day. So if you wanted to see the kids that would be a good time

I always send a quick text. I'm not a monster!

Young babies don't really count. Most have no real routine and they are portable and don't move. Much less trouble than toddlers.

I think you sound really thoughtful and sensitive to your sibling’s potential situation, @ElizabethinherGermanGarden

FWIW, I have a sibling who had small children once (only slightly more than a year between them 😱) and never was I bidden to present myself at 9am. But in fairness they used to visit us more often than the other way round, they seemed to prefer that, strangely!

My SIL is like this - when our children were small we were expected to fit around her and her DH (then child free) and our kids just had to get on with it. Now ours are slightly older (young primary age) and they have a toddler we are required to slot into their strict routine (e.g. meet at 9am at an attraction for babies and toddlers and never mind your 7 year old, and we’ll be leaving at 11 so the baby can nap). I just stay quiet and inwardly roll my eyes, and if their dictated arrangements really don’t work for us try to tweak things to make it more manageable.

We were never strict routine types so our children were, and still are, reasonably flexible, but some parents (and some babies!) need a set schedule. From experience as we come out of the baby days, this kind of parent does improve and relax a little as their children get older, so hang in there OP, this should improve in a couple of years!

So, we went at the appointed hour, took presents - all went down well, especially the domino train - had coffee etc and now we're on our way home.

I take it all back: it obviously was a good time to visit - I've never seen the kids on such good form and it was lovely.

Thanks everyone for helping me keep perspective. I'm missing my mum this year and I've been getting upset about the wrong things.

I had one nephew who had a strict nap routine there as his younger sibling didn't. So when I came to visit him he would have his normal routine and I would be made aware of what times I need to be boring so he would go to sleep, while his younger sibling was more flexible.

With my other nephews and nieces who didn't need strict naps so once they were potty trained when I came to visit I had them dumped in me and their parents would disappear for a well needed break.

My own DD doesn't nap. Any of my relations and family friends she gets on with are welcome to look after her.

I'm really pleased it all worked well and you enjoyed it. It can be hard getting the balance right with kids and other friends/relatives. At 3 my DD was also on her best form around that time of day too!

That's a lovely update OP I'm sorry you don't have your mum with you over Christmas.

It's crazy how much your life changes after having kids. I've spent the morning dithering about nap schedules in the run up to taking my one year old to visit family. He's cutting teeth at the moment too and really struggling with it. Before I had him I never knew how much "nap maths" take over your life. They get ill so often in the early years, they're constantly cutting teeth, it's so hard when they're often uncomfortable and in pain with one thing or another. Everyone else just sees a moaning child but as their parent you know that good naps are crucial for their little day to go well- and for your own sanity!!

That’s a good result @ElizabethinherGermanGarden. Sorry to hear you’re missing your mum. Similar for me this year - sending hugs.

Good update op.keep the momentum going if you can( and get on).especislly as your feeling as you are.family will help heal.especially funny little kids. Build that relationship up.be the bestest aunty. It will give you head space from your grief too. Don't be alone with it.

Ahh bless you, that's lovely. Nothing like a bit of MN to shake your perspective around a bit 😆