If you've been together over 20 years - do you still spend time together?

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If you've been with your partner or spouse over 20 years, do you still spend time together? If you do, what does that look like for you?

I still love DH, but we don't spend our evenings or weekends together, or do anything together. We see each other in passing, e.g. have conversations in the kitchen from time to time. Occasionally we'll have a nice walk together, sometimes with our teenager. We always eat together with our teen, and with our eldest when back from uni.

It makes me sad that we've grown apart and don't spend time together, but then maybe this is just normal and to be expected as we've been together so long?

I'd love to know what it's like in other long-term marriages or partnerships. Is this just how it is for most people?

We go away for one weekend every six weeks or so. I still love spending time with dh-we make each other laugh.

Not 20 but 16 years, we still spend a lot of time together in the evenings. We don't have a babysitter but go out together sometimes when the kids are at school for a meal.

Gotta keep the flame alive.

Married 21 years in 2023. We spend 90% of our time together and we are miserable when we are apart. He is my favourite human being on the planet.

No, we spend time in the same room watching tele or a film, then I go to bed to scroll MN or TikTok or read and he games until early hours. Can't remember the last time we had a 'date' night. Tbh don't know if I'd want one, can't stand him half the time. Been together 21 years

All the time, yes. We go for walks, cycle, run, work out, always eat together when he is home, go away overnight a few times a year (camping usually), go out for lunch and so on.

25 years. We spend most of our time together. Dh is currently asleep on the sofa. I can’t actually move because he’s cuddling my leg.

Married 21, together 28ish. Still spend most of the time together. Obviously we do some separate things too but we are still very much together.

Married 24 years, he's my favourite person to hang out with. We have our own friends and hobbies, but really focus on getting time together.
We both enjoy a lot of the same hobbies, tastes in movies and music, past times we can do together.
Even just going to run errands is more fun when we are together.

20 years this year, we don’t spend much time together day to day. We do eat our evening meal together and go out for walks sometimes, out for dinner just the two of us. Sleep in the same bed etc.
evenings though we usually hang out in separate rooms watching what we like on telly or I’ll be reading my book/having a long bath. We don’t like the same things on tv, he loves films and I hate them, both appreciate our own space and time.
We have a weekend away together a couple of times a year without the dc and have a lot of fun, this year we had a week on holiday on our own to celebrate 20 years.
Never been one of those couples joined at the hip though; we have our own identities and friendship groups, hobbies and interests. Both very independent and happy with our set up.

Yup. Most of all evenings together, weekends away usually twice a year we try to do a date night at home when the kids are in bed once a week but, in reality, it’s more like once a fortnight

What did you used to enjoy doing together? Now that your children are older it sounds like it might be a good chance to go back to things you enjoyed and have a chat about what you might want to try.

I will just preface this by saying just because you may have gotten into a bit of a rut in your relationship, it doesn’t mean anything bad per se - it might just be one of those times when you do a bit of a stocktake (which it seems you’re already doing), talk to one another and agree a way forward.

DH and I have been together over 19 years, so nearly at your cut-off.

Yes, we do spend time together. Our DC are a bit younger - teens and still living at home - so life is very busy, but yes we do, where we can.

We had a weekend away together for a concert in another town a couple of weekends ago, and it was magic. We had so much fun, laughed ‘til we cried, exactly how it was when we first got together.

I say this often on threads - but love isn’t the glue in a good relationship. ‘Like’ is. Much less dramatic and all encompassing - but utterly critical.

Like is what keeps you together, healthy and functioning and enabling you to get through the tough times.

Maybe have a think - do you still like him? Do you feel as if he likes you? What do you do that shows that? What does he do? That could be a starting point for a conversation. If you think things have slipped there, maybe there’s some simple things you could re-introduce to (re)strengthen the foundation of your relationship.

22 years. Spend a lot of time together, but mostly also with the kids. Not alone together, except watching tv.
drifted apart I guess. We’re content, but fireworks have gone, which makes me a bit sad and lonely sometimes. I love him though, and he says he loves me.
I think I will be lonely when the kids leave home, and I intend on filling the house with rescue dogs.

Together 19 years (married 12). We are best friends more than lovers at this point but still enjoy spending time together. He is my rock and puts up with my perimenopausal mood swings. We spend most of our time outside work together.

Absolutely yes, my husband is my favourite human along with our girls. We spend lots of time together, often doing the stuff that is mundane taking girls swimming, or to school for example. Having each other there makes it fun.

27 years.
We do spend time together. Just things like watching a drama or going for walks. Today we went for a drive , it is nice to have time to chat without the dc (teenagers). When he is working long days we see each other less so make the most of time together when we can.

Think depends on your stage of life too. We’ve been married 20 years but have 5 children so managing that side of life takes up most of our free time anyway. We try and go away for our anniversary (without children) and a drink/meal every now and then, but in between also try and go for a walk together or something just to get out of the house for a bit. He’s got more hobbies that he goes out to but I’m happier at home tbh.
So I guess it’s about making the most of the time you have, even if kids etc make things busy even going out for a coffee can be enough to keep a proper connection.

Together for over twenty years. I love spending time with DH, he is great company. I love my family and see my friends and enjoy that very much but DH and I love one to one time without the teenage DD whenever we can.
As a PP said, what did you previously enjoy together when you first met? Could you take up a joint activity?

Yes we do. We have a young dc as well as teens and always get on well without the natural noise from dc

Together 23 years. Youngest child is 4. Try and eat lunch together at least once a week. Have dinner as a family 99 percent of the time. Still go to bed "early" a lot.

Married 30yrs, we eat together every evening, have our own friends and interests. We do chores together, with him my life is never boring.

Been together 22 years.

Yes, we still spend time together, even at home, with the DC around. We like to play cards, so even if we've got 10 minutes, such as when tea is cooking, we'll have a couple of hands of cards and chat whilst we play.

If there's no football on (football is life for 2 out of the 4 of us in my house), we'll watch films and shows together. Even if it is on, I'll sometimes join him in the room and read/crochet/scroll and we'll chat a bit.

If I have a day off that the DC are in school (rare as I work in Education), DH books that day too. We like to go to Bingo lunch club! We're 40, but have enjoyed occasional bingo since our 20s.

We're still affectionate with each other, so will often approach the other for a hug, kiss or squeeze of the bum in passing.

We've been away without the DC twice, both for three nights. The first time was for our 10th wedding anniversary in 2019 and I did worry that we wouldn't have anything to talk about as we'd not been alone for that length of time since DS1 was born in 2011. I needed have worried. The second was this year for DHs 40th (we went as a family for mine).

We're married. But we're friends too. We like each other (most of the time) and we enjoy spending time together.

Not loads. We both work FY and have pre-teen DC. Weekday evenings I have marking etc to do so I sit in another room. We always have a meal together just the two of us on Friday nights. Weekends are often spent on family stuff so we might sometimes do things altogether or might have to be taking the DC to different places.

To be honest I think not spending too much time together is the secret to a lasting relationship! I do like having a set time each week where we definitely do something together though.

Been together 43 years, married for nearly 38 (we met when we were 16). We do a lot apart, he plays golf on both Saturday and Sunday mornings but I honestly don't mind. We both still work full time and I like to have some me downtime at the weekend to meet up with friends or go shopping. Having said that we socialise a lot with friends together and now we are mortgage free and have a bit more spare cash we like to go away for weekends (he's happy to forgo his golf if we have something planned), or go to the theatre.

I needn't have worried that should have said.