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Original poster

If you've been together over 20 years - do you still spend time together?

122 replies

OrangeChocolateOrange · 26/12/2022 19:09

If you've been with your partner or spouse over 20 years, do you still spend time together? If you do, what does that look like for you?

I still love DH, but we don't spend our evenings or weekends together, or do anything together. We see each other in passing, e.g. have conversations in the kitchen from time to time. Occasionally we'll have a nice walk together, sometimes with our teenager. We always eat together with our teen, and with our eldest when back from uni.

It makes me sad that we've grown apart and don't spend time together, but then maybe this is just normal and to be expected as we've been together so long?

I'd love to know what it's like in other long-term marriages or partnerships. Is this just how it is for most people?

OP posts:
Amboseli · 26/12/2022 20:13

We're married 22 years next year. We always snuggle on the sofa after dinner every night and watch TV, chat, hold hands.

Both wfh so have lunch together most days. Breakfast in bed at the weekends.

Go out for lunch or dinner at the weekend occasionally.

I love spending time with him, never run out of things to say.

WhatWouldHopperDo · 26/12/2022 20:13

32 years with DH. We eat dinner together every night unless one of us is out. Weekends are a mixture of our own thing and doing things together.

We love our time together and make each other laugh, have some deep and interesting conversations. We often go on a longish walk with the dog on a Sunday. Maybe out for coffee or breakfast.

DH isn’t as sociable as me so I probably go out more evenings than him but we do also see friends together.

Girlintheframe · 26/12/2022 20:19

20 year in 6 months time.

We spend 90% of our free time together. We make a point of going out out once a month. We take it in turns do plan and arrange it. We share a lot of similar interests like hillwalking, cooking, music etc.

We are still very affectionate with each other, holding hands, together on the sofa etc.

The longer we've been together the more effort we've had to make. It's easy to get in a rut and take each other for granted.

ItsACrater · 26/12/2022 20:21

We chat during the day if he’s wfh. We have young kids so do lots with the kids. We spend pretty much every evening sitting together, watching telly.

we sleep in same bed etc go to bed same time .
we go out for family meals together. Go to each other’s friends/family together.

holiday together… have sex lol!

neighboursmustliveon · 26/12/2022 20:22

We spend all our non working time together. Every evening. We both go out separately maybe once a month but that's it. Before Christmas I was out on both the Friday and Saturday nights and my DH was low as he missed me.

We ho away for new year and he is going out on the Friday with my DB but other than that and the odd hour each day, we will have been in each other company 100% of the time for best part of two weeks.

Francisca459 · 26/12/2022 20:23

Together 22 years. We spend almost all of our time together as we work together. A few times a year he travels to see his family for a couple of days. The rest of the time we are peas in a pod. We have been through tragedy most people have not - which is often make or break for a couple. In our case, it was "make". I love him way beyond the romantic love that it began as. He is part of me.

Mangolist · 26/12/2022 20:26

We've been married 22 years and still spend time together but not in the same way. We tend to spend evenings in separate rooms but pop in and out for a chat, talk in bed together in the mornings and have one or two holidays alone each year as well as the odd night away at the seaside, just walking and talking.
Of course things are very different now but we still have a really tight bond. We're lucky I guess

Stickmansmum · 26/12/2022 20:27

OP you are ONLY really gonna hear for the loved up smugs with a question like yours, seriously. And probably at this time of year half of them are 4 drinks in and just had a nice ‘moment’ with their DH in the last 48hrs.

Truth is all relationships are different. Some people work by being ships in the night and others are best friends and live in each other’s pockets.

A LOT

Mangolist · 26/12/2022 20:27

Oh, I still work and he's retired so we have different ways of filling our days. Two children still at home (for another year) then it will be the test I expect!

Iamblossom · 26/12/2022 20:35

Together 31 years, married 22.

Don't spend any time together during the day but do eat together and watch TV in the evenings. Have days out together, holidays just us, lots to chat about, he makes me laugh, fancy each other.

Have had a huge row this evening as he is a total arse when drunk, so not all roses round the door, but by and large we are OK.

Grass is never greener trust me.

Faircastle · 26/12/2022 20:38

We've been together since the mid 1990s.
We often go out for a walk or lunch together.
Our children are young adults but they still live at home some/all of the time; we've bought a campervan so we can go away for weekends on our own.

pompomdaisy · 26/12/2022 20:40

Married 23 years. We pretty much spend every evening together apart from maybe once a week when we have other plans. We go out for a night out once a week. Sometimes we meet up with other couples. I enjoy spending time with him.

DevilinaCardigan · 26/12/2022 20:40

Just had our 20 year anniversary. We don’t spend much time together usually so he’s really getting on my tits lately as we’re both not working over Christmas.

I don’t think I like him that much either and prefer time alone or with friends. It’s not great and I know it’s something that we need to work on, but as I feel I’m the one that puts all the effort in, to be honest, I can’t be bothered anymore.

Hatemymiddlename · 26/12/2022 20:40

Married 18 years, together 21. In the week we are like two pasting ships due to work and DC's. Friday nights are our date night. We go out for a couple of drinks together at our local pub, come home watch a film with a bottle of wine and spend quality time together. Saturdays is our DS's football matches or training when no matches are taking place. DD has her club so busy with the family. I love our Friday nights. Saturday eve ings we see friends or spend it with our DC's. Back to bring two lasting ships come Sunday due to work commitments.

Ragwort · 26/12/2022 20:41

35 years married ... we lead quite separate lives but generally fairly happy. We don't really have many shared interests or shared friends ... can't stand sharing a bedroom but we get along most of the time without needing to be in each other's pockets. We are both very independent minded. Been away for three days visiting family (thankfully we could sort out separate sleeping arrangements but still seems a long time together Grin).

kitcat15 · 26/12/2022 20:42

I’m 58… weve been together 37 years…DP is my best mate….we spend our evenings together sat in front of fire…chatting or a companiab
e silence whilst on our phones…..we go the pub just the 2 of us every Friday…we go dog walking together several times a week..we spend time together with our young GDs …..we go festivals together….holidays together…..go the cinema together…..go for meals together….there is no one’s company I prefer

TheScottishPlay · 26/12/2022 20:42

DH and I have been together 25 years and married for 21. We didn't live together before we married and I don't think we've ever really lost appreciating being able to cook, read, watch TV and just be together (with DS, now 18 and at uni too) We have lots of outside interests and I work shifts so we aren't together 24/7, but I love being with him. He's 8 years older than me but I've never met anyone I connect with more.

DrunkOnHim · 26/12/2022 20:43

I’ve been with my partner almost 25 years and we still spend time together. We go out for a meal together about once a fortnight without the kids, watch a film together in bed once or twice a week, walk the dogs together a few times a week, go to concerts and the theatre regularly. We spend time with friends together too as over the years our friends have become one big group. And obviously spend time together with the kids too.

But we have different interests and do lots apart, I go running and hiking and I’m involved with animal rights groups, he goes to watch football and likes gaming. I’m a lot more outdoorsy and into nature than he is.

I don’t know what’s ‘normal’ and I don’t think it matters. But if you would like things to change to spend more time together, mention it’s to him. He may feel the same, start with a regular meal out or regular film night with some nice snacks and some wine.

Whattheladybird · 26/12/2022 20:46

20 years together. Our youngest (of 3) is 4, and we don’t have any family help, and babysitters are too £££ so time out together is a rare occurrence most usually a lunchtime date. We also like (always have) different sorts of pastimes - he likes tv, I prefer to read, he doesn’t really have friends, I tend to meet a friend for dinner once a fortnight or so, etc. but yes, we still do lots of things together but occasionally try and do fun things rather than stuff that feels like we’re cooperative housemates rather than lovers and partners.

BeyondMyWits · 26/12/2022 20:53

Married 22 years and we spend most evenings together. We play scrabble, chess, watch box sets (Bones at the moment, just finished The Mentalist), do a jigsaw puzzle together, sit reading in companionable silence. Anything to stop the mindless scrolling on the phone.

Witchbitch20 · 26/12/2022 20:53

26 years together.

Other than me telling him dinner is ready, or him talking at me about things only important to him we barely communicate.

Christmas day, I spent mostly on my own, apart from lunchtime (although I cooked in a relative’s house so was in the kitchen).

Within an hour he’d created an argument (stormed off locked himself in the study with his laptop), so I took myself off to bed. Today he didn’t get up until 3pm, only spoke to me at 6 because he couldn’t find something and I’m now upstairs in bed watching a film. It’s been the shittest Christmas ever.

Tomorrow I’m loading myself, the dog and my kindle into the car and finding a lay-by to park up to escape.

This is the norm now, unless he’s talking about himself or talking at me we don’t communicate. Not sure why this year he felt he needed to create an argument but I’ve given up trying to work him out now.

Just two people sharing a house, that he can’t afford without my contribution to all the bills.

Tulipvase · 26/12/2022 20:57

Witchbitch20 · 26/12/2022 20:53

26 years together.

Other than me telling him dinner is ready, or him talking at me about things only important to him we barely communicate.

Christmas day, I spent mostly on my own, apart from lunchtime (although I cooked in a relative’s house so was in the kitchen).

Within an hour he’d created an argument (stormed off locked himself in the study with his laptop), so I took myself off to bed. Today he didn’t get up until 3pm, only spoke to me at 6 because he couldn’t find something and I’m now upstairs in bed watching a film. It’s been the shittest Christmas ever.

Tomorrow I’m loading myself, the dog and my kindle into the car and finding a lay-by to park up to escape.

This is the norm now, unless he’s talking about himself or talking at me we don’t communicate. Not sure why this year he felt he needed to create an argument but I’ve given up trying to work him out now.

Just two people sharing a house, that he can’t afford without my contribution to all the bills.

I’m sorry, that sounds miserable.

Witchbitch20 · 26/12/2022 21:00

It is @Tulipvase and this year has definitely made me fully realise how miserable and lonely I am.

DevilinaCardigan · 26/12/2022 21:03

@Witchbitch20 i feel like I’m a year or so our relationship will be similar to you and your H.
I hope you can work it out -if that’s what you want. Or at least find peace with it.

BuwchGochGota · 26/12/2022 21:05

Together for 25 years, married for almost 21. Three DC, the eldest two are away at university.

We always eat together in the evening, but other than that don't spend loads of time together. We have different interests, like to watch different TV programmes, have different circles of friends.

I do wonder what it will be like when the youngest DC is also in university and there is just us here.