If you've been together over 20 years - do you still spend time together?

[OrangeChocolateOrange]

If you've been with your partner or spouse over 20 years, do you still spend time together? If you do, what does that look like for you?

I still love DH, but we don't spend our evenings or weekends together, or do anything together. We see each other in passing, e.g. have conversations in the kitchen from time to time. Occasionally we'll have a nice walk together, sometimes with our teenager. We always eat together with our teen, and with our eldest when back from uni.

It makes me sad that we've grown apart and don't spend time together, but then maybe this is just normal and to be expected as we've been together so long?

I'd love to know what it's like in other long-term marriages or partnerships. Is this just how it is for most people?

Almost 30 years here and we still do loads together - I’m more sociable so I’m out more than he is, but we still eat together, go out together, spend most week together (both work full time so don’t see each other much through the week). When he’s not being annoying he’s my favourite person

We’ve been together well over 20 years. We’ve always had our separate interests and live fairly disparate lives. We have two young children and probably don’t spend enough time as a family but it’s fairly evenly spread between family time and time looking after kids/persuing our own interests which are fairly time consuming but also non-negotiable (in my case it’s horses). We plan nights out together but often get too tired to follow through and these end being the
nights we might actually watch tv together - we barely watch any as usually pass out or busy doing jobs.

We do have a lot of family holidays and get our time together then. We get on infinitely better the more time we spend together. The ages of our children don’t help at the moment but we are both look forward to them being more independent so we can be too!

Yes, absolutely.
Been together 30 years next month, married 23 years. Like to watch tv together of an evening, potter in the garden together. Like to walk the dogs together. Like to go to the theatre together a couple of times a year. Go out for lunch / dinner. Have day trips out, to nearby towns, museums, galleries. Weekends away a couple of times a year.

@OrangeChocolateOrange why do you not see each other or spend time together? Is it work, hobbies or family commitments? Apathy?

Yes. Been together 21 years. Dc are getting older so we take dog for walks together, spend evenings watching tv - binge watching Netflix. We have some evenings doing our own hobbies but spend 4 nights at least together per week. We try to have a weekend or 2 per year away just the 2 of us and do theatre/gig trips too.

Been married 21 years. Kids are finally at an age where we can leave them for a few hours/a day. We might go and catch a movie, go for a long walk finished with a drink, go to a spa, to a show, out for a meal or out with other couples. We have been away for a weekend without kids too.
Day to day we are both working, we always eat together as a family and evenings are spend taking teenagers to stuff or just chilling but most weekends we are together with or without the kids.

28 years, we don’t really sit together in the evening as we have very different taste in tv/movies - it was ok when there was only a handful of tv channels to choose from, but now with all the options, we watch our own preferences.

We do generally rub along quite nicely, try to walk or go out to eat together most days. Often shop together or occasionally go on a day trip somewhere.

I’d love to sit on the sofa like we used to and laugh at the same shows, but we both try to get 10k steps in per day so that generally at least encourages out for a walk together.

Last weekend was our 20 year anniversary. We spent it in a fancy hotel in london and went to winter wonderland, lots of eating and drinking and went to the theatre.

We have a 8 and 3 year old so it was nice to have some down time. We spend a lot of time together, he is my favourite person in the whole world.

Together for 18yeard and married for 17. When we first met, we really felt like kindred spirits. But since kids came along, we're drifted apart and generally aboid each other except when it's to do with the kids. So once they are in bed, we spend very little time together unless there is life admin to discuss. It's sad but we've become people who don't much like or respect the other so are only together for the kids. In my dreams, I'd find someone eho I connect with again and we can spend free time doing shared hobbies but alas thats no longer my life.

I've been married for 42 years.

We go for walks, go shopping, go out for meals/drinks, go on day trips, visit family together, do jobs at home, we cook together sometimes. (I no longer work, he works full-time)

No, I actively avoid his company because he’s irritating. I wish he’d go out and not come back.

35 years together, married 33.
Dh works long hours and is often home fairly late but we usually eat together and chill watching TV but he has to go to bed early and I'm a night owl. We have very different hobbies but I took up his (fair weather only in my case) last year to make an effort to spend more time together. I work part time and also look after my grandchild. I have my hobby but it's an instrument and don't have to go out to play it!
We are very different and I'm someone who needs alone time a lot, and sometimes feel it's a bit unfair on dh. Neither of us are very social, but we have our adult kids around us a lot. I don't think we are 'soul mates' but we are a good team, very fond of each other, still have a sex life. I think we are doing ok.
We annoy each other at times, but have never had a proper row, rub along ok and have the odd laugh together. We are good friends, which I think, as we get older is very important!

OP, @Stickmansmum is spot on. The way you have framed your question will have all the very happy long term relationship folks coming on to tell you how brilliant things are for them and it’s clearly not what you want from this thread and won’t make you feel good. You’re clearly not happy and I’m sorry things aren’t as you’d like them to be. Do you think it’s time to make some changes to your life or are you looking for validation from others who are similarly dissatisfied but have managed to find peace with their circumstances?

Yes we do. We go to the theatre together, to music and comedy gigs, concerts, exhibitions in galleries and museums - at least 2-3 times a month, often more. We go on walks together, away for the weekend very occasionally (DH is a home bird) and on holiday once a year, usually abroad.

We watch TV together most nights - not a lot, usually just one programme, but sit cuddling and chatting about the show. We do puzzles and quizzes together if we meet up at lunch time from our separate WFH offices.

We also spend lots of time in separate rooms on screens or reading and not communicating. but as we both wfh, we need time apart or we'd go mad.

Lovely post. ❤️

22 years. We spend every evening sat in the lounge watching a series, say GoT or Yellowstone. Hd watches football, I MN'et. We go out for dinner, or a 'cheeky lunch date' which feels very naughty every couple of months. We rub along together easily. Now ds1 is at Uni, once we've eaten at the dinning room table nearly every night, we don't see ds2 much, so we have tonnes of time to chat.

Is you relationship beyond saving? Or might it be retrievable if you just said : "could I talk to you? I feel we don't spend any time together anymore and I really miss that, and miss you, and I wondered if we could try and do more things together. "

What would he say?

We’ve been together36 years, married 32 years and spend a lot of time together. Theatre trips, meals out and at leat 5 times a week we sit and have a drink and a chat. To be fair at 20 years in we didn’t spend as much time together on our own as the kids were around. Now they’ve left it’s easier.

Together just over 31 and married just under 29.
We both have separate interests and things we belong to, go to, or things we enjoy doing that the other one doesn't so do lots apart.
We don't have many things we would watch together either - quite different tastes.
But we have always eaten our evening meals together as a family, so we do always spend that time together.
Since Covid, when we started going out on our daily hourly walks together, and since he has started wfh a lot more, we have started spending more and more time together. We still now walk around the local area sometimes.

I think, just due to stage of life, we now have more time, and due to the ability to work from anywhere for part of the time, we are also able to go away together more often (will go away for 5 days or so now one of us can connect in to a meeting one afternoon or whatever).
2 of our dc don't live with us and we are likely to go round to theirs together (whereas at home we would prob have all been in separate rooms).

Together 22 years/married 18/living apart the last 2 years

see each other every day/stays over nearly every night/holiday together/do everything together (sometimes in same room watching & reading different stuff - we both go off and do own things exercise-wise, but mostly together most of the time)

Together over 25 years and we do enjoy doing things together. We don't always spend the whole evening together, e.g., DH is lying on the bed upstairs right now and I'm downstairs on MN, but we walk the dog together most evenings, go out to museums, the theatre, walking, cycling, etc. DH wants to go canoeing next weekend, but I've put my foot down at that, it's too cold!

Having teenagers has made a big difference as we don't need to arrange babysitters now so we can be more spontaneous. We do have our own separate friends and hobbies as well.

OP, as a PP said, you've got into a rut, and you probably just need to pull yourselves out of it. As you don't need babysitters, suggest doing something together in the next few days and take it from there.

We’ve been together 21 years - married for 17. Best friends. We have a great balance of nights out with friends and family, and then nights out with our 2 DC. And 1 on 1 DC time too.

Best nights are cooking together, music on, wine poured, teaching DC how to cook. And then quality time once DC have gone to bed.

This is an interesting thread. Do you think it makes it better or worse if your DH spends a lot of time working away?

Married 20 years, together 23.
Sometimes it feels like our paths barely cross with work, chauffeuring kids around etc but we do try to make time for each other. We always eat together as a family and usually crash in front of the TV in the evening together but that doesn't really count - often one of us is working/reading/browsing and we don't necessarily communicate.
We try to do something together at the weekends even if it's just a walk and a coffee.

31 years together and we still spend time together. Weekends away, lunch when kids are in school, walks in the evening when he's not working (he works nights), Shopping at the weekend, all kids free.

.