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Original poster

If you've been together over 20 years - do you still spend time together?

122 replies

OrangeChocolateOrange · 26/12/2022 19:09

If you've been with your partner or spouse over 20 years, do you still spend time together? If you do, what does that look like for you?

I still love DH, but we don't spend our evenings or weekends together, or do anything together. We see each other in passing, e.g. have conversations in the kitchen from time to time. Occasionally we'll have a nice walk together, sometimes with our teenager. We always eat together with our teen, and with our eldest when back from uni.

It makes me sad that we've grown apart and don't spend time together, but then maybe this is just normal and to be expected as we've been together so long?

I'd love to know what it's like in other long-term marriages or partnerships. Is this just how it is for most people?

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 26/12/2022 19:32

19 years. We moved to France together in 2021. Yes we still talk, eat together, garden together and holiday together. But we do have a downstairs snug for his sports. I cannot abide sports.

willowstar · 26/12/2022 19:34

We are quite similar to you. My husband is self employed and works long hours and I work full time. So I have to be self sufficient as he just isn't here much when I am. When we met he used to spend weekends away with his sport/hobby so from day one we have been quite independent of each other. We used to have more fun but children and financial difficulties have sort of changed us quite a lot. He just works all the time and I am full time as well. There isn't really much money or time for us. When we are in the house together we tend to watch different things. I also have misophonia which extends to breathing, so I get irritated quite easily.

I wish it wasn't like this but I have no idea how to change really. We have been together 20.years.

Tormundsbeard · 26/12/2022 19:38

We have been married for 23 years and have quite separate interests, so similar to you OP. Sometimes I think we should do more together, but we are both doing things we like…. I suppose in an ideal world we would share a hobby, but we are both happy..

Doyouthinktheyknow · 26/12/2022 19:38

27 years here. We spend every evening together, go for weekends away and meals out.

We basically spend most of my time away from work together in one form or another. Both dses are now at university so just us some of the year.

Cant lie, DH irritates me at times, particularly as he has now retired and I’m working my arse off (age gap) but we are a partnership. We love each other and still enjoy each other’s company.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 26/12/2022 19:39

19 years and we spend far more time together now than we did when we were younger.

Bumpsadaisie · 26/12/2022 19:40

20 years here.

We don't go out much together as little spare ££ but we do watch tv together all the time and if kids are in bed we do things to make it special eg nice cheese and biscuits. We tend to like similar things on tv and we get into watching box sets together.

Kids getting older so getting more challenging too made sure we get that "adult hour " in the evenings though!

Robin233 · 26/12/2022 19:40

28 years together
Silver wedding next year ❤️
He's my earth, moon and sun.

Both with full time and spend all our spare time together.
Though I have been to several Christmas parties with friends and dh's encouragement- while he had beans on toast.
It takes work and tolerance but marriage, for me, is a long term commitment that pays dividends untold.

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/12/2022 19:41

We do a good few times a week.

Is there a reason you can’t? I do think relationships take effort and management, it doesn’t just happen.

TheNoodlesIncident · 26/12/2022 19:46

We've been together since the late 1990s. We do occasional things separately - seeing our own friends or involvement with our individual hobbies, but mostly we do things together. He is my lodestar 😍

Theeyeballsinthesky · 26/12/2022 19:46

together for 23 years married for 20. We don’t have any DC & spend the majority of time outside work together

I’d rather spend time with him than anyone else 😊

ProfYaffle · 26/12/2022 19:48

Been together 23 years and spend most of our spare time together. We generally have a couple of hours to ourselves in the evening before watching TV together. We go for walks, eat out, see shows together etc.

You say it makes you sad, have you talked to dh? How does he feel?

DampSquids · 26/12/2022 19:49

Together 22 years and spend every spare minute together.

We both WFH so visit each other during the day, often have morning coffee and/or lunch together. Eat dinner together every evening. Spend evenings together watching tv or playing a board game or just sitting next to each other as we browse online. Spend weekends together- go out for meals or walks, go for drives together, some gardening etc.

I love him to death but sometimes I wish I was more independent. I’m at the stage where I find the house very empty if he’s not in it for a while, and that doesn’t feel very healthy. I need to get back to my own hobbies, and spend time nurturing friendships.

Chrysanthemum5 · 26/12/2022 19:51

21 years together and we spent more time together now that the DCs are older teenagers. During lockdown we got u to a habit of going for a walk every day and (when shops were open) having a cup of tea and a chat.

In the evenings we sit in the same room, I watch rubbish TV and DH reads. We don't go to bed at the same time as DD is autistic and needs support to get to sleep but sometimes we have a nap in the afternoon at the weekends 😂

Gamerlady · 26/12/2022 19:51

Almost 22 years together and still enjoy each other's company.. we don't see each other as much as we'd like due to work bit like passing ships but make up for it when we get free time.

Dillydollydingdong · 26/12/2022 19:55

Friends of mine have been married 50 years and spend most of their time together, walking, visiting friends, cooking, gardening. They love each other dearly.

Melon9 · 26/12/2022 19:57

We're 22 years and don't spend much time together because the dc still need a lot of input, get up early and settle late and we don't have anyone to take them off our hands.

We usually manage to get 30 mins in front of the TV together in an evening plus pub lunches on days we both wfh and a few times a year, when gp can do the school pick up and tea time, we have days out in town, theatre trips, shows etc.

We are planning our retirement which will involve a dog and pub walks. Dc are sen and likely to need care into adulthood so no idea whether it'll ever happen but we can dream.

verdantverdure · 26/12/2022 19:58

We do some things apart, but my husband is my person. We cook together, go for walks, read the papers together, watch tv, just chat and hang out.

User129867588 · 26/12/2022 19:58

Tormundsbeard · 26/12/2022 19:38

We have been married for 23 years and have quite separate interests, so similar to you OP. Sometimes I think we should do more together, but we are both doing things we like…. I suppose in an ideal world we would share a hobby, but we are both happy..

Exactly this!! We just celebrated our 23rd. We watch films together a few times a week but also spend a lot of time doing our own things. I love Greys anatomy, good doctor, This is life kind of shows. I love that we don’t make each other feel guilty about this and we love the time we spend together. We are definitely not joined at the hip

Titsywoo · 26/12/2022 19:59

Together 21 years and spend most of our time together including working as we run a business together (although he had to take a step back this year so I work 30 hours a week without him around). Still have a lot of fun together and spend every evening together apart from a few nights out with friends.

Silkierabbit · 26/12/2022 19:59

Married over 20 years and together pretty much all the time. Today stayed at hotel, saw ds in hospital then went to see seals on beach together.

Essexexile · 26/12/2022 19:59

Married for 35 years, spend most of our time together, although I have a couple of hobbies I do without him. We go out together at least once a week for either dinner or just the pub for a couple of drinks, holiday together and try to have several weekends away per year.

Snozwanger · 26/12/2022 20:04

22 years here and we don't do much together. Every couple of months we might meet with friends but we don't do out in the evenings as currently, we can't afford it but previously I don't think DH was that bothered. Unfortunately I've been a SAHM for a long time and don't have any hobbies that take me outside of the house. DH is starting up a new business with friends he's worked with for years and goes away for a weekend to do his hobby once a month. I feel like he gets all his social input from his work and hobby and therefore has no need to spend time with me really. Every evening he works on his laptop so there's no opportunity for conversation except over dinner.

It's not great I know but I'm hoping I'll feel better once I get back into work and gain some financial independence. I think once my confidence improves and we can both relax financially maybe we can concentrate on planning things to do together. It all feels a bit bleak at the moment.

ElbowsandArses · 26/12/2022 20:07

Been together 21 years. Very very rarely spend time just the 2 of us. DC, long work hours, demanding hobby (his), and £££ challenges have contributed. DCs are teens. Unclear to me where we go from here.

SleeptightDaisy · 26/12/2022 20:08

We've been together 28 years married for 15 years we hardly do anything together. Hobbies are different, he has stomach problems so sleeps sitting up so is in a different room. We don't watch the same TV programmes and will tend to be in different rooms in the evening or out at different clubs with the 7 or 10 year old. It's sad and lonely.

mydogisthebest · 26/12/2022 20:11

Married for 42 years. DH is self employed so doesn't work every day. We spend just about every evening together, usually watching something on tv. We love foreign subtitled dramas.

We walk our dogs together most days, we go out to museums, National Trust properties, gardens quite often. We go out for lunch at least once a fortnight.

We go away quite a few times a year, usually a couple of two week holidays and then quite a few stays of 2 or 3 nights.

DH is my best friend and I would rather spend time with him than anyone else.

We have no children which I think has made it easier to be closer