Is anyone awake? I’m expecting bad news and I can’t sleep

[MyCake]

My dh is unwell and we have no idea what is wrong. We are getting scan results this morning but they were only to rule things out so probably not conclusive. However, I can’t see how this isn’t going to be something serious as he has declined so rapidly.

I feel sick. We’ve already lost most of his income through him being off work so I’m also worried sick about money. We have enough savings to manage another 2 months at the most.

My dc are already suffering, despite them
mot fully understanding how serious the symptoms are, as dh is pretty much housebound and I can’t physically drive them to all the clubs and places they need to go by myself.
I also work full time although thankfully I’m a teacher and break up this week.

My heart is broken just looking at him disappearing in front of me. The doctors are slow to take his symptoms seriously so sadly by the time he was sent to hospital he was already unable to work and very ill. It could of course be something very treatable but at the moment I feel suffocated with the fear of the worst case scenarios.
I am writing this as I’m lonely and scared and wondered if anyone is awake to say hello.

I have name changed in case anyone recognises me from this post. If you do, please don’t mention this as I am doing a great job of appearing strong on the outside.

Oh OP, I've just come across your thread, sending strength and so many good wishes

@MyCake I also posted earlier in the thread about B12 deficiency, and I'm even more convinced after seeing he had low Folic Acid (the two are linked). It's honestly something that needs read up on by patients unfortunately, as most doctors aren't trained to recognise/diagnose/treat it correctly.

In my previous post I linked a website that is really worth looking at, but I'm also going to link to a documentary on YouTube that I think is worth you watching to see if anyone featured in it is similar to your husband

Your poor husband @MyCake. This is sounds absolutely bloody awful.

I presume he’s been tested for lymphoma? I only ask as night sweats and weightloss were the signs in a family friend, as well as enlarged lymph nodes obviously. I hope it’s found to be something that while it may be complicated, is not life-threatening and that with a treatment plan he can get back to fighting fitness. It must be a horrible, horrible time for you all. They have run so many tests on him already so take comfort that they’ll have probably focused on the worst case scenarios and ruled them out already.

OP just read through your posts. It all sounds hellish, I'm sorry.

But it also sounds like you - your DH and you - know what you have in each other, despite his recent outburst, and you're close, emotionally if not spatially, to your families. Not everyone manages that.

I hope you can sustain each other, hard though it is. And that you get a clear diagnosis of something treatable soon so you can start working the problem and living again.

@Herejustforthisone they are definitely looking for lymphoma as a possibility because I asked. He hasn’t had the ct scan yet though but it should be this week.

Another sleepless night. I feel sick with fear and angry that it’s taken so long for doctors to take it seriously. I can’t fault the consultant last week though and he’s doing everything he can.

I am going to ring Monday and chase all of these emergency tests. I am going to say he has lost more weight. Weight loss is a recent symptom but it’s been rapid.

I can’t stop torturing myself thinking about life without him. I feel utterly broken. I have such a busy day tomorrow and I’m now worried I won’t be able to manage everything if I don’t get more sleep.

Night time hugs and hand holds appreciated. Am crying as I type 😞

I am one of the most resilient and strong people I know but I feel so overwhelmed with fear at the moment that I don’t know how much strength I’ve got left.

I know it could be something treatable but he is so ill that my heart is completely broken and it’s hard not to fear the worst.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Easier said than done but sleep will really help with a clearer mind and your well-being.. which is also important.

Could you try some sleep meditation on YouTube? If it doesn't help you sleep, it might help you relax even just a little.

Hugs and a hand hold here, you poor thing. This is so unbearable. Just reading your posts I can feel my anxiety rising, so no wonder you're having a hard time. 💐

Oh oP, I'm up with a poorly baby but couldn't read and run. If you can't sleep can you get up and stick the telly or a podcast on, something to take your mind off the worry? Trying to be strong for someone you love while also stopping yourself from falling apart is very very hard xoxo

Sending lots of hugs and hand holds. ❤️

Big hugs and a hand hold. I hope you’ve managed to get some sleep.

I am really grateful everyone, thank you. I did manage to get back to sleep and am now up and ready for a busy day! I have my brave face on.

You are a hero.
Sending another hug...

Sending a huge hug here and oodles of strength for every day and every challenge right now. Try to find a go-to happy memory moment with your husband that makes you smile as a go to with a few deep breaths accompanying when you have a moment that's hard to get through. You're doing amazingly and really hope you get some answers soon 💜💜💜

No advice here, but sending so many good thoughts to you and your DH. Remember how important you are to him and your DC, and try and prioritise care of you. I know how irrelevant food and time for yourself feels when the world is crashing, and have no answers - but I hope there are people helping you IRL.

I’m not sure I can get through today as I have to be around a lot of people and I feel so miserable. I am so tired.

I don’t want to stalk the hospital but he’s getting thinner, weaker and more tired every day and I’m not sure how bad he needs to get before he needs to be admitted.

I don't think it's stalking the hospital at all to call and ask for advice. I am sure they would rather you called.
Hope today goes ok.

You definitely need to call them about that - do you have his consultant’s secretary’s number?

Don’t hesitate to take him back to A&E if he deteriorates.

OP can you pull out of today? This sounds such a stressful situation and you need to look after yourself. Don't feel guilty but take steps to lighten your load wherever you can. It's the worry and not knowing and you need to reserve your energy into pushing for answers. Don't be a martyr x

@Conkered its not stuff I can get out of as it’s work related.
To be honest, dh is at home all the time and normally lying on the sofa and I get very upset even looking at him (I try not to show this). Work related stuff is helpful as it’s a distraction. My job is complicated so even though I’ve broken up from school, I still have some stuff to do in the school holidays.

Just go easy on yourself, plan yourself in some rest and me time if you can, its important too x

I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time. Worry is a terrible, all-consuming thing and brings many dark thoughts along with a great deal of stress and anxiety.

Sending another hug to help you through the day
Do ring the hospital and give yourself permission to rest( I sense that you aren't)