Having such little money is not sustainable

[sadsomeone]

I'm a regular poster but have name changed for this post.

Does anyone else feel it is not sustainable to have such little money? We are literally getting by and no more. I am a single mum, work full time for not much more then minimum wage with 2DC (one of which has complex disabilities). This month I have not been able to pay my council tax, my sky tv (most basic tv and internet) has been cut off and I can only have the heating on for an hour a day.

Tonight I have been looking for second jobs that are wfh in the evenings but can't seem to find anything. I'm feeling so desperate about Christmas and no one seems to understand. My mum said she couldn't lend me any money (even though she has plenty) whilst I literally do not have enough money for food some days. I have £30 to last me until Friday and that will get me enough petrol to work and do the school runs and that's it.

I know there are people worse off then me but I just feel so miserable and like I'm failing at life. My daughter needs a new pair of shoes that I can't even afford to buy. I go out with my mum most weeks and she sees I can't afford to buy much whilst she piles her trolley high with luxuries and I feel like crying most days. Life is just so unfair sometimes.

I am so sorry op, this isn't right at all. I am so worried for people at the moment.

Please stop seeing your Mum. Why should she have the comfort and pleasure your company brings when she cares nothing for yours?

We lost our home last year and my Mother did nothing, despite having £2m in assets and savings.

I cut her off October last year and will never see or speak to her again.

I'm sorry I am no practical help. We are moving in with my in-laws after Xmas 200 miles away.

My husbands parents will be surrounded with the love of their son, dil and three gc while my Mum will be lonely (although wealthy).

So we don't make it all about that horrid comment (very long comment in-coming)

I grew up in a single household (with my dad) with a brother and very poor (balifs taking our stuff, paying for shopping with loose pennies we found around the house) not in the UK tho but still a european country

Ways we got through:
No TV, we had the most basic internet package going and that was it.

No subscriptions.

Cooked from scratch. We bought cheap frozen meat and veggies and ate a LOT of stir-fry. Went to shops on an evening and bought food from the whoops section and lived off that for other meals

Had electric heaters as cheaper than gas

Used to cover the windows with foil and blankets in the winter to keep the house warmer

Had fleecey PJ's and onesies to keep us warm

If you can get someone to buy you one for Christmas a one pot NINJA foodi is cheaper to run then an oven and has a pressure cooker built in which can make the cheapest cuts of meat tender and only takes 10mins.

No car, I know this might not be possible with a disabled child, but that reduced our income massivley.

And for Christmas we would get something we wanted (very little) something to read and something to wear and that was it, all normally from charity shops.

You can get through it, now we all look back and love how close we were through those very stressful times. It's taken 15 years but my dad is much better off and my brother and I know how to budget on another level.

How old is your disabled child? It would be worth asking for a social care assessment. I received direct payments during my son’s childhood which were reasonably flexible in how they could be used - (they do tend to be a bit tighter these days). Childcare to allow you to work is very much part of SS remit when you have a disabled child.

I don't see having Internet access as a luxury in this day and age, if its the basic package.

Please go to your local Citizens Advice Bureau or contact your local food bank directly. I know you this won't help you feel that you are succeeding at life, but we are in a cost of living crisis and it would take the strain off you if you could have support with your groceries. Also contact your local council. The government has just given councils billions (spread across the country) to support families like yours. It is not you. It is the dire economic situation that we have been put in. You are not failing. Stay strong.

Have a look at the government ‘help for households’ website too. I haven’t looked in depth but it might be a good starting point.

I third (fourth?) the advice to talk to your dc’s school. They’ll be discreet and more than glad that you’ve asked for help - so many people don’t and their only aim is help where they can.

(and no, internet is not a ‘luxury’)

Apply for carers credit, which is different to carers allowance, this is for people who earn over the threshold for carers allowance. Is your dc eligible for DLA, then claim this and have a look on turn it in to ensure you're receiving everything you're entitled to.

I am sorry that you are going through this, Op. I really would stop going shopping with your mum for a start, she doesn't sound very nice at all.

Behave! 🙄

OP - I am sorry - you sound like you are doing your absolute best and are at your wits end.

Have you tried being very direct with your Mum? As in “ DD needs new shoes and I absolutely can’t afford them and groceries for the week. Could you please buy them for her for Christmas”?

” I really need your help - can you please buy me a weeks worth of groceries this week so I can pay xyz bill”.

if your Mum is doing ok for money would she pay you for ironing/cleaning etc? It shouldn’t have to come to that. Maybe she thinks you are being dramatic - sometimes being very direct works.

take care

You know peoples circumstances can change from affordable to unaffordable after they've had their children?

if your Mum is doing ok for money would she pay you for ironing/cleaning etc? It shouldn’t have to come to that. Maybe she thinks you are being dramatic - sometimes being very direct works

Thats a really good suggestion, particularly if your dm is given to the notion that ‘hard work’ is all that’s needed.

Sounds so stressful, I really feel for you. Have a look at your local council’s website for Local Welfare Assistance (might be called something different depending on where you are). Lots of councils are providing small amounts of grant funding to help people in your situation. You could also contact your local citizens advice and they would be able to advise you on the support available in your area. It’s not a long term solution, but it might help a little right now.

Your mum sounds like a really crap mum. My son’s been really pissing me off lately but even that wouldn’t stop me buying him food if he was struggling. Have you tried Christians Against Poverty? Speak to the school about a referral to the food bank. If you’ve got any food whatsoever, there’s a website (may be more than one) where you put in the ingredients you’ve got an it suggests meals. If you haven’t got quite everything then it will reduce your food bill. Could you go through all your stuff and sell on FB market place? Could you pawn anything (preferably anything that you don’t actually want back) Use Olio and similar schemes. Look on your local Neighbourhood page. On ours, occasionally people are literally giving away a plate or two of leftovers where they’ve made too much.

@Sindonym in my trust direct payments cannot be paid to someone living at the same address as the applicant.

Why is everyone slating the OP's mother?! Where on earth is the Dad? I cannot believe in our society today that it's ok for him to not pay anything. He should be hounded by government and society to pay for his own bloody children.

OP you are amazing and all credit to you for doing your best. Have you discovered the Moneysaving expert forums? They have some fabulous advice on there

No one “hounds” them. CMS are useless. They can rack up thousand in debt against a parent but that doesn’t mean you’d actually see a penny of it.

There was a thread on here the other day where people had tens of thousands “owed” and then the CMS just wrote it off. It’s a system not fit for purpose.

I’m sorry your mum is no help OP. I’d give my children my last penny, one of mine is an adult and I could never, ever contemplate having more than them if they were struggling.

No it's not sustainable to be living hand to mouth but your situation like so many on Mumsnet is partly down to dc's father not contributing - the system of child maintenance needs to be strengthened especially those not in paye who seem to wriggle out of paying!

Yep, numerous refs to the grandparent's trolley piled high with non essential items etc, but barely a mention of the child's actual parent not providing for them.

Tbh they can’t be forced to pay, my kids dad hasn’t paid cms in 5/6 years and nothing has ever been done about it, no arrears because they get written off, but we are ok without it and I wouldn’t expect my mum to step in but that’s just me personally I would never rely on it.

I can’t believe your mother. You must avoid her.

I have adult DC. I’d give them everything l have.

You mention childcare for you son is expensive due to his needs. Somewhere in the recesses of my mind there lurks a memory concerning carers allowance. This may be outdated information and/or inaccurate -something like if deducting care expenses for a disabled person from your salary takes your earnings below the threshold for carers allowance you would then be entitled to claim it. Im not good with written explanations so apologies for that.

OP have you applied for help with your utility costs? There are extra grants available for vulnerable people, so worth a shot.

Also you can get a special broadband deal, which will be a bit cheaper than commercial contrats.

Unfortunately Sky is unaffordable, but you can get nearly the same service from Now TV for far less - you don't even have to pay the headline price as there's always deals available. We've had it for years, and usually pay £2-5 a month for the entertainment package.

There's also a special water tariff that you can apply for, if you qualify, which it sounds like you would do.

If any of the above applies, you can make a few savings that frees up a bit more money to feel more comfortable. If you're really struggling, then utilities are lower priority than housing, council tax and an appropriate amount of groceries. The amount that's considered reasonable is probably quite a bit more than you think if you're used to juggling a low income. Obviously you can't expect to walk round Waitrose throwing everything in your trolley that looks nice without looking at the prices, but you are allowed to buy sufficient food, and washing powder and calpol if needed.

For water and other utilities, tell your supplier that you can't afford to pay and ask for help and see what they offer. They should help you.

Have a look at Moneysaving Expert for a systematic run through of reviewing your finances and help with making the best of your budget:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/money-help/

www.moneysavingexpert.com/utilities/how-to-get-help-if-you-re-struggling-with-your-energy-bills-/

Also perhaps see your DM less, if you drive to meet her, tell her you can't afford the petrol. You're right to not expect your DM to help you out, but it sounds like she is able to and it's not nice to see her flaunting her comfortable lifestyle while you struggle. Does she work? Could she help you with childcare by just minding her DGC some of the time to reduce the amount of childcare you need to pay for?

I found an up-to-date link

www.entitledto.co.uk/help/carers-allowance-work-related-costs

Perhaps putting more into a pension could bring your income under the limit?