A kind of AIBU - DH parenting our toddler?

[tiredtiredtiredmum]

My DH has been away all week with work. We have one lovely toddler who's at nursery part-time and I work part/time. So I've done all bedtimes, mornings etc obviously. I feel quite unhappy about the amount of work trips DH has and we are discussing potential future job changes so he can be at home more. But for now I've had to suck it up. I do feel exhausted and down about it all.
Today I was excited to have DH back and looking forward to it. This morning we all went to see Santa and this afternoon I have to work to prepare for a course I am teaching on tomorrow afternoon.

I suggested DH take toddler out for a walk in the park and then have some Christmas movie time. DH said he didn't want to take him out to the park. In his words it's cold and the World Cup is on.

My thing is that I try to take toddler out once each morning and afternoon (nap in between) even if only a run in the park. Toddler is extremely boisterous and I find an afternoon at home with him is long and draining, he ends up getting frustrated, plus I don't think it benefits his sleep. (We've had some trouble with bedtimes recently). DH said if toddler asks to go to the park he will but otherwise he won't. But the thing is toddler would always pick screen time over walk in the park if given the choice, but once he's there at the park he loves it.

We had a (non-shouty) disagreement about it and both got angry and I felt upset. I'm feeling pissed off after all the hard work I do during the week but not sure if I'm being unreasonable. This morning I asked DH to get toddler dressed and fed while I showered and he let him have snacks (2 x yoghurt pouches, berries and a dairyLea dunker tub) the last of which is not breakfast food. Toddler was emotional and erratic all morning and I wasn't sure if he was hungry, a bit overwhelmed by having his Daddy back or the change in routine suddenly, or if that was unconnected.

I feel structure is really important and I feel angry that DH has come back and just (in my view) been lazy. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm being an uptight cow (he didn't say that but said no-one needs to be the perfect parent).

Am I just being resentful and uptight or am I reasonable here?

I know there's a bigger issue with his work which we are discussing. I feel his work needs to allow him to contribute to family life more. I get the sense I'm spiralling into a depression I think (I don't have wider family to support to it's just us and nursery).

If I was unwell I don't know what we would do.

Sorry for long post - just looking for a shoulder. Didn't want to post on AIBU as people can be unkind.

I do think you're being uptight. He wants to relax after working away and he's spent time with you and caring for toddler while you do things. No one died from having a dunker for breakfast either. I've got 3 and I've learnt to relax and let things go over the years.

Kindky, i think yoi are being unreasonable and unfair to your dh.

I get it though. My dh works away too and it's taken a long time since we became parents to get into our groove because it's so different than work travel pre-kids. And although it sounds so appealing to be away from the daily deudge, he isn't on a jolly, it is work.

Cut him some slack. It is far too cold to be outside for any length of time today, especially at the park which is dire for adult s as they tend not to be running around to keep warm. His breakfast option doesn't seem unreasonable either, apart from the dairylea which isn't great but if you let your dc have them for lunch, what's 2 hours difference?

Sorry for the rubbish spelling!

Okay, taking both your comments onboard. Thank you.

Let him get on with it his way.

I don't usually key toddler have those dunkers. I bought it specifically to use for a picnic on a journey.

But you did buy them for your toddler so you consider them to be some times suitable.

While I do understand where others are coming from, I’m with you on this. For instance, if that was us and my ds (also two, and also boisterous!) ate those snacks, he then would have refused lunch. Then he would refuse his nap. Then he’d be an overtired mess. Then I would have a disturbed night because he’d wake hungry.

And I think this is the thing with toddlers - of course it depends and some are probably easier than mine but a ten minute catnap and mine won’t sleep, a snack at the wrong moment and mine won’t eat. It’s not about me being uptight or controlling, just that I know who will be dealing with the fallout - not DH!

I'm 100% on his side here. Breakfast wasn't that bad and you all went out this morning - nothing wrong with a lazy afternoon at home occasionally, especially when it's this cold.

You seem very very set in your ways.

@upfucked not sure why you feel the need to nitpick what I've said? Yes I already said I was prepared for him to eat that snack as a convenient option for a car journey, not for breakfast.

I think you do need to let go a bit and let him get on with it. He hasn't done anything wrong, just took a different approach from yours.

Toddler will be fine. Stop micromanaging. That way lies madness.

Have you made it clear what his routine normally is, and that he will be dealing with any fallout and bed time? If he still wants to break the routine and knows it's his responsibility, then tell him to crack on.

@Tiredallofthetime yes our toddler is very much like this - little things will knock his sleep.

However I'm taking onboard the general consensus that I've been too rigid or unfair. I think I'm in a bad place tbh.

Think you're being unreasonable. Your DH is an equal parent to you. It's not your way and he has to follow. Your toddler is presumably happy and healthy, so not entirely sure why this micromanaging style of parenting is necessary. Cut your DH some slack, sounds like he works hard and pulls his weight with parenting, albeit it not to your perfect standard.

I don’t know how old your boy is (I know two, but you know what I mean!) but I’m finding mine exhausting! He’s lovely and mostly quite well behaved, eats a wide variety of food, lovely with everyone but me but he’s started to get very difficult about his nap. He desperately still needs it, but getting him to have it …

I hope you’re in a better place soon

I think as you’re working this afternoon, your husband can deal with the frustrated toddler and deal with a long and draining afternoon with him, and do bedtime.

Fwiw I wouldn’t be taking him out to the park this afternoon either, having already been out visiting Santa this morning. Some down time and learning to enjoy time at home is important too. I learned that doing too much, with the idea of wearing DS out, was actually over stimulating him and contributing to his sleep issues.

Yeah sorry you’re being massively unreasonable. DH sounds competent enough, he just wasn’t doing it your way. Dunkers for breakfast, unconventional but meh, you bought them and it’s weird to say they’re ok only when you dictate they are and he also gave him yoghurt and berries which are healthy. One lazy day at home isn’t the end of the world either and it is very cold today!

You sound like extremely hard work.

If you want him to contribute to family life more you need to allow him to contribute to daily life more. Currently it feels like you are both acting as the default parent (your way is right) and not happy at being the default parent

Your DH has less time to learn the best way to parent for this particular child and therefore needs to opportunity for some trial and error to find his own groove and way of doing things

But tbf you are acting like his boss not his partner. For example if its okay for you to decided a child can have dunkers in one situation then it's okay for him to decide the same thing in a different situation. Your way isn't automatically right and his automatically wrong.

Maybe you would benefit from an activity out of the house on the weekend? A class or a club or just going to see friends etc? Time for you to relax and unwind and time for your DH to look after his child solo and find his way of doing things without being worrying about told off?

These sorts of comments really baffle me. I said how I'm experiencing poor mental health, and also specified how I wasn't posting on AIBU as some of the commentary can be unkind. I said I was seeking support, and yet you felt it was the right thing to post this comment to someone you've never met who's struggling.

As I've already said I'm totally accepting of feedback that I've been inflexible here. But the way you chose to phrase your feedback is uncalled for and unkind. Just letting you know.

@Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead yes I think that sounds like a good idea. Thanks.

Kindly you are being a bit unreasonable. Mainly because you can’t expect him to parent they way you do exactly. It’s freezing at the minute so a trip to the park is the last thing a lot of people want to do.

Also working away is really tiring. Especially when it’s frequent. He has agreed to look for something that will allow him to be around more for you both but right now this is the situation.

And just the dunker thing, unless you specifically said it to him or had labels on it to say it’s for something specific how was he to know? I’m not a toddler but I had a coleslaw and cheese sandwich for breakfast today! Followed by a mince pie!

Any chance when your little one goes to bed you can have a nice bath, a hot chocolate or glass of wine and some snacks? Have a chat with your husband about how you’re feeling and get it out there in the open?

Just try to sit on your hands and let him deal with the fallout.

If it happens regularly when mealtimes and walks have been messed with, he will learn to adjust like you have had to.

And if it doesn't, then you know all is well in spite of the odd dunker for breakfast.

Yes, but your DH wasn't to know that. When he's at home and with dc, let him get on with it in his own way. You want him to do more parenting, so in the kindest possible way you need to stop micro-managing.

As for watching the football, fine. Put toddler in living room with DH and the telly, which leaves you free to shut yourself away in another room to do your course prep.

thing is come 7pm your dh will want toddler to be asleep

taking the toddler out int he fresh air and running around at the park will have a positive effect on their bed time - as you've found the rest of the week

so I would have said, well its up to you but you'll find that toddler will sleep much better after a run around in the park and maybe your football will not be disturbed - but as ill be doing my work later its up to you what you decide